Goodbye 2011.

And so the final day of the year. I shall for ever remember 2011 for the final part of a journey that started in 2002. The release of "A Pillar of Impotence" almost exactly 9 years after I started writing it will always stay on my mind. No I haven't sold 1000s of copies nor made any money but then again I never expected to. But it is the comments of those few who have read it that I will always cherish.

As the last day of the year runs out I'm focusing on the sequel which I have decided to call "Charon's Ferry". Over half way now having written another 4 chapters since I started my holiday. Hoping to get another 3 chapters done before I go back on the 9th.

I have needed the break and have focussed on sleeping, writing and cooking. The goose was a huge triumph. I managed to rescue last night's lamb following a disastrous start. Tomorrow I will be doing chicken casserole in cider. Happy days.

I'm trying to avoid mental health whilst I'm off although a couple of days my mood has been a bit flat. Who knows what 2012 will bring me?

Happy New Year to all of you out there and hope you come back to read more in 2012.

I Heard a Voice.

Nearly Christmas.

Just a quick post today. I've done all my shopping and preparations and much to my relief the half goose actually fits in the oven! The even greater news is that thanks to a small Christmas bonus voucher from the university it cost me almost nothing.

Hope all those who have read my blog have a wonderful Christmas and if I don't get on here before then, Happy New Year!

I Heard a Voice

A Week of Writing.

Greetings from a surprisingly mild Hertfordshire,

All is good in my world. I'm catching up on precious sleep, cooking fine food, listening to excellent music and writing the new book. I have made some really good progress having completed 3 more chapters this week. Very pleased with how it is going and I'm over half way.

But I have not just been doing that. The preparations for Christmas continue. Following an epic shopping trip spending my Christmas bonus on Monday I am almost there. Tomorrow there is the unenviable task of trying to find a parking space to collect my goose. Might even walk down and get a cab back. Also need a ham and have found the excellent Campo Viejo Reserva rioja on offer some must get some of that too.

So what the mad world? Yes I'm away from work but I can rarely get away from madness. On Monday I went to secure unit a few miles from here to talk about recovery and my book. Seemed to go quite well with just a small group to talk to. Let us hope my story helps those who are locked up in some way to move towards managing their madness better. I did it for free but am quite happy to do that if it helps in any way.

Tomorrow the chaos begins then it is back home for a weekend of feasting and cooking-really hope the goose comes out okay!

I Heard a Voice.

A Holiday Triumph.

Well it has finally arrived-I'm on holiday! It is very rare that I run out of steam at work but I did this time and felt I was running on fumes for the last few weeks. But of course I wasn't bored. I have more than 70 people on my books already-a care co-ordinator in a CMHT likely will have 25-30-some of whom are really quite complex. Last year was very tough and full of risk. This year it has been just as complex but less risky-might mean less of my hair falls out this year!

So to the holiday. For the first time ever I have decided to stay at home and do it myself. And I have 3 weeks which I will dedicate to cooking, drinking, and writing. Am about half way through the new book and hoping to make some really good progress over the next 3 weeks. It is coming on well but I have lurking doubts that I can never match the intensity of the first book. But I will keep going.

And the cooking? Well I did a very nice beef rendang yesterday. But little I have ever cooked can surpass the rare roast beef I did for lunch today. It was quite simply sublime! Add to that "Cosi fan Tutti", good rioja and my newly bought bottle of port it has been a fine Sunday indeed.

Continuing the decadent theme I have gone the extra mile this year and ordered half a goose for Christmas. I've never cooked it before and am concerned if I can get it in the oven but am really looking forward to that one. I've invited a couple of friends if they are free but if not I will spend my day alone feasting and drinking to the sound of the Puccini opera my parents bought me. Could there be anything better than that?

I Heard a Voice.

A Stand In.

Greetings from a rather chilly Hertfordshire.

It has been a most interesting week. As I mentioned in my last post my friend Beka came to visit last weekend. Her and Mike took me out for a delicious Sunday lunch at the Waggoners at Ayot Green.

It's not often that I am stunned by news but this was one such occasion. Beka and Mike are planning to get married next year. What I really didn't expect was that she would ask me to give her away! What an amazing offer. Of course I said yes but it was only later that the enormity of it dawned on me.

Beka's dad who very sadly died a few years ago was the pianist Ronald Smith. Hailed as a genius for his ability to play the fiendishly difficult works of Alkan he was an astonishing larger than life character. So how on earth could I possibly stand in? I am good at speeches, am quite happy to wear a morning suit if required but will definitely stop short of dancing-I simply don't do that!

It is a great honour and privilege to stand in for such a distinguished figure and has been on my mind all week. So it has been a good week.

And what of today? A quiet day. Got my hair cut then accidentally bought a couple of things in a sale-that certainly wasn't planned. I'm now cooking some Greek lamb steaks marinaded in dill, olive oil, garlic and lemon-smells good. And tomorrow that old favourite, roast shoulder of pork!

Only two weeks to go then I'm on holiday. It has been a long term so I could do with the rest.

More soon.

I Heard a Voice.

A Domestic God.

For any of you who know me I am, how should I put it, domestically challenged. Yes I work my way around the kitchen with enthusiasm and a little skill. But when it comes to everything else domestic I'm a disaster. My flat is chaos, my desk is chaos and my office is chaos. But at least I know things are there somewhere.

When it comes to cleaning and tidying up I do a little bit at a time with the occasional blitz. I had no plans for a blitz today until I got a text from my friend Beka on Friday saying she will be visiting on Sunday. So I was spurred into action.

Much to my surprise I did the recycling, the rubbish, the hoovering, washed the floors and cleaned the bathroom. I'm amazed! Even more amazing though is I managed to write another chapter in the book as well!

So now it is me time. I have West Ham playing on the TV-they just equalised,- a Vietnamese beef stew on the go-it smells amazing-and I'm doing some blogging. Quite why I'm doing this I'm not sure. October was my highest number of visitors to this site. November has been one of the worst-perhaps everyone is on holiday. Or maybe they are bored of my ramblings. Who knows?

Stew will be ready at 7 pm. Think I might open a beer to go with it. Then look forward to seeing Beka and eating rare roast beef at the Waggoners tomorrow. Talking of Beka she designed the cover of my book. If anyone ever wants a portrait done she is the woman to do it. Check her out on http://www.bekasmith.com/ .

Take care.

I Heard a Voice.

Miserere Mei.

Ever have days where you feel you changed the world? Where something so astonishing happens that you don't know how to respond?

Sounds very grand doesn't it but very occasionally my work allows me to have such days. And today was one of them. I was not expecting it but in my life I always expect the unexpected. I don't know if it is that I am highly skilled, my life experience or that I just got lucky. Who knows? The question is will it work?

I have never been trained to do a single thing in mental health. I have no significant pieces of paper-I do have a joke piece of paper called an NVQ. It is all based on my life. I fell into the abyss of psychosis 21 years ago. 10 years ago with help of brilliant if somewhat junior Doctor I came out. Many others helped along the way but without her I would never have been able to sustain it. What I do is entirely based on the opposite of what was done to me. In the main my experience of mental health services was shit with a capital sh! It was a disaster for 9 years. Then came salvation.

I'm not sure where I go from here and I fear the fallout of today but I came home with feeling of "God I'm good at this"! Then came my come down. There was a great sadness in what I had done however necessary it was.

Which brought me to tonight. I ate a fine curry I cooked last night. Then I switched the lights off and listened to Allegri's Miserere. One of the most powerful pieces of music I know even if the setting we have today is fraudulent. And I was tearful.

I feel better now. Here's to tomorrow and whatever that brings.

I Heard a Voice.

PS I have a new title for my new book-all coming along very well!

Beauty in and Urban Hell.

The town where my university exists is horrible. Run down and chaotic it is a melting pot of people and has areas of extreme poverty. It is not exactly big but feels very urban and ugly. Not the nicest of environments. During the summer I was not happy to discover that for the second time in a year I would be forced to move offices. This time to a site off campus. The folly of that move is plain when one realises I had my 38th visit to campus today since September. There is a plus side, hopefully the exercise will reduce the size of my beer gut.

The new office is just that, an office block. But it does have one redeeming feature, a beautiful if very small lake with a fountain. On the sunny days, and I guess we have been very lucky with those this autumn, it is nice to sit there when I go out for a cigarette. But it has been even better the last two weeks as my calm has been enhanced by a beautiful and large heron that has taken up residence there.

I know nothing about birds but can marvel at such beauty in an otherwise desolate place. I wonder how long it will stay?

As with my last post it has been another tough week. Feeling shattered so very glad it is Friday. My friend Katherine is coming to visit from London tomorrow. Slow roast Moroccan shoulder of lamb is on the menu with two middle Eastern salads. That should be fun.

Take care and have a great weekend.

I Heard a Voice.

A Triumphant Night Followed by a Scary Storm

Greetings,

I seem to have been away from here for ages. Had my highest monthly numbers of viewers ever in October but seems to have quiet again in blogland now. I guess that is the way it goes.

Anyway, what of my life? Well last week we had a most triumphant night with the Kent launch of "A Pillar of Impotence" and my friend Beka's "Stories" exhibition. What an amazing night, so many people came we couldn't fit them all in the room. I had to speak twice and was apparently very good. I can't even remember what I said-the plan went straight out of my head when I got up there. I am hugely endebted to Beka for creating the links with Folkestone Literary Festival.

Sadly all good things come to an end. The following day I discovered my sales figures were very poor. I didn't expect much but it was somewhat disappointing. Unless I misread the e mail-entirely possible-the publisher seems to have completely discounted sales on websites other than their own. Need to chase that as I know it sold out on www.amazon.co.uk 3 times.

Back now in the madness that passes for my work life. I have been very busy but all straight forward until now. Then was engulfed by an unexpected storm on Monday. Things were very touch and go yesterday but we seem to have stabilised the situation now. It's on days like that that if they trebled my salary they still wouldn't be paying me enough. But those are the days I live for-crisis management has been my forte for years.

Tired after all that so now relaxing with the TV and about to open a beer. Have prepared sticky citrus marinaded pork chop in the fridge for tomorrow-it smells divine!

More soon.

I Heard a Voice.

A Forgotten Voice.

Doing what I do it is extremely important to learn and remember that the unexpected is only just around the corner. When I worked at Rethink my plan for the day usually went out the window by about 9.10 am. Here I never know where the next phone call will take me. It makes the job more interesting.

But if the expected comes from the dim and distant past it is even more surprising. So it was that I came home on Wednesday evening to see a letter on the floor. Turning it over I saw the return address of my publisher. I have been expecting to hear from them so I thought it was breakdown of how many books I have sold-I'm certainly not holding my breath on retirement.

When I opened it there was 5 page handwritten letter. I read it slowly. It was little confused and paranoid. Indeed the writer openly talked about having paranoid schizophrenia. She talked about how inspiring my book had been to her. She also repeatedly thanked me for writing it.

As I got to the end, there was a name. And it was name from my past. We knew each other as children. In fact we had been a primary school together before my nomadic life really began. So nice to hear from her. I recall picnics in her back garden with her brother and paddling in streams on walks. It was a good voice to hear.

But there was a sadness. Yet another person I know having a psychotic breakdown What a small world it is.

And today I cook. Am slow braising beef skirt in stout with carrots and mushrooms. Just gone in on a low heat and should be ready in 3 hours. I had planned to write this afternoon but I got delayed in town so haven't got round to it. But there always tomorrow. Let's hope the sun shines once again.

I Heard a Voice.

PS my reviews on Amazon magically re-appeared later that day, I am now up to 10 5 star reviews!

A Mysterious Disappearance.

Greetings,

Back for the first time in nearly a week. One of the reasons for my absence is that life have been like riding out a storm recently-things have not gone smoothly. There are two things I have to do to stay well, manage my stress, and get lots of sleep at the weekend. And of course risperidone. But there is a third and thankfully very rare risk that can lead to relapse. If someone really annoys me, the end result is usually a rapid plummeting of my mood and the risk of psychosis.

Fortunately, most of the time I am very calm and nothing worries me. But leading into last weekend I was seething with rage. I won't bore any of you with the details but it was bad. I was fully expecting to have to have to hit the risperidone when the inevitable slump happened. But it never came.

Since Thursday life has been much smoother although the issue may not be resolved for some time.

This weekend I am recovering. All is smooth in my world. I went into town today to discover a new book shop has opened. Our old one closed a few months ago but I was delighted someone else has ventured into the murky world of book selling. I do so love books.

Talking of books I finally got round to writing chapter 18 of the new book today. I had not written for two weeks which was beginning to irritate me. But I had great success today and am once again back on the march.

I cooked a delicious curry tonight called a Gurda Keema, a dish of lamb mince and kidneys. Not to everyone's taste but I love kidneys. I didn't quite get it right as it needed more chilli but I will remember next time.

On a sadder note, something strange happened today. Yesterday I had nine 5 star reviews of my book on Amazon all of which were amazing. Today there are none. They have completely disappeared replaced by a button saying "be the first to review this book". Am utterly mystified, irritated and wondering how to get theme back

I suppose I will have to do some research. That's all for now, time to get back to my beer.

I Heard a Voice.

I Thought it was Fixed.

I had a visit yesterday from my friend's son to try to sort out my computer problems. It all was looking good yesterday but for some reason seems to have reverted to type again today. Have no idea what is wrong with it. But this site is working so I thought I'd do a quick post.

Today is actually quite a quiet Sunday. Had some very nice roast shoulder of pork and was very restrained not to open any rioja. Might have some tonight though. Now wondering what to do next. Feeling a bit restless. I had a terrible couples of days at the end of last week but things have calmed down and the expected plummeting mood did not come on. That is a good thing.

Had hoped to write some more of the book today but not really motivated enough to do that. Feeling I'm falling behind on that but maybe I will make some progress in the week.

Tomorrow takes me back to work a day that on paper looks fairly quiet. I doubt it will stay like that though. Maybe next time I'm on here I will have to say. But for now I'm off.

I Heard a Voice.

Money Well Earned.

Today has been one of those days. The days when all hell breaks loose, no one knows what to do, and I end up getting called in. So we had the first crisis of the new academic year.

In truth sometimes I have no idea what on earth I'm doing. Sometimes you just need to talk bullshit to bring people back from the brink. That was what happened today. Somehow we got through it without having to go to hospital and avoiding assessment and admission. Tomorrow I will have to follow up, then the day after and for however long it takes.

Knowing the System as I do I can usually see who they will admit and who they won't. I knew it would be futile to go there. But still a man is in great mental pain. He unfortunately has the wrong diagnosis to be giving crisis help so it falls to us.

I earned my money today.

Had planned to write tonight but I'm too tired. So it will just be a TV catch up, a beer, and a programme on Tracey Emin. I had really hoped to go to her exhibition at the Heyward Gallery in the summer but sadly that, like so much else, fell victim to my austerity cuts. The country cuts then we all cut. But sometimes we have to do that.

I Heard a Voice.

Inching Forwards

Welcome to my quiet Sunday. A day of rest; well not entirely. I've just written another chapter in the new book. Still very pleased with it alhtough progress has slowed considerably now that term has started. But I ma inching forward. No idea when I will complete it but I think like last time I will have another party.

So what else of this weekend? England crached out of the Rugby World Cup. Quite glad I didn't get up early to watch it. In fact I haven't seen any games as they were all too early for me.

Cooking which was planned as the mainstay of my weekend has not been up to my usual standards. After yesterday I realise I really do not yet grasp the point of beef brisket. Cooked it twice now and both times were poor. The lamb today was somewhat better but not my best. The rioja was good though.

Tomorrow looms and as you may know it is World Mental Health Day. For the first time ever we have an event at the university to mark the day. The timing is very poor for us as it always occurs in week 2 when chaos is still reigning. I volunteered for Time to Change two years ago which was fun but not managed anything since. Hope it goes well. Then it is back to normal and the increasing work load that the new term brings. But I guess that's what I get paid for.

Time for tea I think. More soon.

I Heard a Voice.

The Autumn Wind Blows Chilly and Cold.

Greetings.

I had intended to post during the glorious spell of weather we have had recently but owing to various things have had very little time. That, coupled with ongoing problems with my computer at home have compelled me to write today during my lunch break.

I am fine as I usually am at this time of the year. As I have mentioned before it seems that the coming of the new academic years brings a rise in my mood. Whilst I am nowhere near at danger point I am very much on the plus side of my mood scale and judging by my relapse in January 2009 I do need to keep an eye on that.

As expected life has become very busy at work. So far we have had no major crises to deal with but that will change. There has been a change though in my referral routese. Normally early in the year I get many calls from residencies but that has not been the case so far. I have seen a big rise in referrals from Disability Services which I suspect is due the restructuring that went on over the summer. The good news is that they are now furnishing me with more information than in the past.

I also did my annual lecture to the second year Social Work students last week. As ever it seems to have gone very well and had a very nice e mail this morning from one of them saying how inspirational my talk was. Always good to hear but I'm never really sure if such comments are deserved.

Work continues on the new book but has slowed somewhat as I now have less time. But I will keep going and keep you updated as I go along.

So now that autumn has arrived properly and the cold wind is beginning to blow, I go into another year of expecting the unexpected. How knows where I will be in a couple of months time? Hopefully still well and thriving.

I Heard a Voice.

Honey Roast Ham.

Hi to anyone who is out there, seem to have been away for a while. I have actually been quite busy writing the new book. Making some really good progress but decided to take this weekend away from it. There was little plan other than cooking but that all changed on Frieday night.

I had a text from Izzi at http://www.juggleglass.com/ asking if we might meet to go the a mental health exhibition at the Old Vic Tunnels by Waterloo. As it was free-yes I am still on my economy drive-I decided to go. It was great to finally mean Izzi with whom I have been communicating for a while. She took me the South Bank Food Market-what a site for a foodie. Had a nice lunch of Moroccan Harissa chicken then headed for the exhibition.

As you can imgine we were not so amused when we got there and were informed that there was an error on the website and they were charging £12! We didn't go in which as a shame but in these chastened times I didn't have the cash. But other than that the day was good.

Today I turned once again to cooking. I had fancied a chicken but they had sold out so I had to settle for ham. Well I can live with that. What emerged was a wondeful honey glazed ham with crackling-heavenly! That done I plan a quiet afternoon of reading before the storm.

That storm of course is the return of the students tomorrow. From then until April I won't stop. But it is good. My mood always rises at this time-getting back to what I really do best and that is help people.

Will let you all know how it goes.

I Heard a Voice.

Long Overdue Greetings.

Hi all,

I'm back! It seems so long since I have been on here. I had hoped to post on 9/11 to commemorate that black day but got rather tied down with chapter 11 of the new book. That is now done and chapter 12 is underway, hoping to complete it tonight. Still making good progress though.

So what of my world? Well I've been back at work nearly 2 weeks now. Slightly too busy for my liking considering the students aren't even back yet. But I am surviving. I had a trip to Leeds last week for a conference which might have yielded a friendly journalist with the Guardian. Had a quick chat with him as he has an interest in mental health. But my real motive was to try get the paper to take on doing something with "A Pillar of Impotence". We shall see but I took the plunge today and sent my last copy to him in the hope that he can help.

Also had a really interesting proposition put to me yesterday-more on that when and if it happens.

I've been doing a lot of cooking which is great. Going back to one of my favourite Thai curries tomorrow. Not sure what else to do over the weekend but I have the urge for pork crackling so maybe I will see if I can get a small joint for Sunday.

Mentally I am very well despite some rocky events. It would seem now that there is usually a rise in mood come September which might be a surprise considering the storm that always engulfs me at the beginning of the year-all hell breaks loose on Monday 26th September. But I will be back well before then. So for now onwards and upwards, chapter 12 here I come!

I Heard a Voice.

A Long Journey.

It has been a long and arduous journey that brought me to where I am now. Why might that be relevant today as September heralds the start of autumn? Well actually it is very relevant for it was four years ago today that I began my job at the university.

One of my old Cambridge friends once described it as "poacher turned gamekeeper"; my transformation for unemployable psychiatric case to a mental health professional. Maybe he was right. I certainly never set out to do that; in fact the complete opposite was true. But they gave me job when no one else would and now I find myself here.

Packing up and moving one's whole life into the unknown is extremely stressful. Creating a new job from scratch may have been just as hard. But now I find myself in the most interesting job in the world, and, contrary to what happened in my long time in the System I have a voice that someone wants to hear.

Back to it all again on Monday. Who knows what the new term will bring me apart from the unusual chaos? In the mean time I will continue on with my new book-have written 9 chapters and nearly 14,000 in the last month. It seems so much easier than the first one.

As for this weekend, generally quiet. I exhausted myself yesterday visiting an old school friend and her two adorable but very boisterous young children. Just heating up leftovers today but I do have some Chinese BBQ ribs marinading in my fridge for tomorrow.

I Heard a Voice.

Back Home, Time to Cook!

Greetings all,

I meant to post yesterday but didn't get round to it. It was the day on which I turned 42. It never ceases to amaze me how fast time goes when we get older. I had a good birthday. Had a Chinese lunch with parents and a couple of friends then had a couple of beers with my friend Tom in the evening. It was great to see him in the light of his recent family tragedy.

I have a few days left of my holiday. Hoping to get on the with the new book and am going to meet my friend Tory for a picnic in London on Friday-weather permitting of course.

I'm keeping the food simple tonight. A Carbonnade of Beef courtesy of Rick Stein. My sister gave me a signed copy of his latest book on Spain so I guess I had better try it out before I go back.

Nothing to report on the mad front so I will leave you all. See you in September!

I Heard a Voice.

Tapas in the Rain.

It was quite late in my culinary career that I discovered North African and Middle Eastern food. I'd always been slightly put off by the propensity to mix meat with fruit-never been a fan of that. But my tastes are changing and I'm discovering what I had been missing.

So this morning I set off to Canterbury with the express idea of going to my favourite cafe, Cafe Mauresque in Butchery Lane. Check out the website if you are ever in these parts http://www.cafemauresque.com/ . It is well worth a trip.

As the rain hurtled down outside I indulged in tapas that was very good. I mused on the idea of whether it really was right to call it tapas-should it really have been mezze? Or is that just if it is Turkish? There are few things better than merguez sausages and tabbouleh to go with flatbread and hummus and finally a nice aubergine and feta stew.

Not sure of the authenticy but I did enjoy it. Suspect I had a rather better day than my friends who went to the St Lawrence ground today to see Kent versus India-no play before 5 pm. I was thinking of them as I went past the gorund in the bus.

I'm in Kent until Wednesday-my birthday on Tuesday. Hope the weather picks up and I can make it to the beach. And there are plans for a BBQ on Sunday so hope the sun comes out.

I Heard a Voice.

Escape from Hell!

Well I'm down in not so sunny Kent for a few days. Actually it has been much sunnier here than in Hertfordshire-I drove down through torrential rain.

The nightmares of this week's invasion were compounded last night by my flat door jamming and being locked in all night. So I was calling a locksmith at 8 am and having somehow clambered through the window he finally managed to open an escape route and fix a temporary lock 3 hours later. Sometimes I wish I had never moved to Hertfordshire-both flats have been a disaster. I wonder if my dubious landlord will fork out for his responsibilities-on past experience I doubt it!

Hopefully now I'm away I can enjoy my holiday. Have a birthday BBQ to go to on Sunday-I guess I had better think up some kebabs to cook.

I Heard a Voice.

Heady Days

Just a very quick post today. After my bad day last week I am feeling much better. My holiday has started and despite the light rain outside that is also hanging on over the Oval things are looking up.

I've just written chapter 4 of the new book and all is looking good. Am tempted to get on with chapter 5-it is already in my head-but will have to pause as I'm waiting for my friend to come round for tea. So killing time now and wishing the cricket would get started again but Wales vs Argentina will have to suffice in the meantime.

Beef Bourguignon is marinading in the fridge so am looking forward to a feast later.

Here's to holidays!

I Heard a Voice.

Not the Best Week

It has been a very wet and dreary day here. A bit like my mood. I had intended to try to forge ahead with the new book this week but it hasn't worked out that way.

A series of domestic problems have derailed me somewhat and now my mood is beginning to sink a little. Sometimes I think this flat is cursed. In fact there have been endless domestic problems ever since I moved here 4 years ago. My first landlord was great. My present one has a curious habit of charging me way over the odds but not actually living up to his responsibilities. So it is that if anything goes wrong I end up having to pay for it.

This was not what I expected in the lead up to my holiday. One more day of work then two weeks off. I do hope my mood lifts soon and I can get on. Tomorrow brings me packing up my office for the second time in a year and moving. So it's all looking rather forlorn.

The good news is my friend Anthony is coming to visit on Sunday-hopefully that will provide a boost. I've not seen him for ages-we trained as teachers together in Cambridge.

Until next time.

I Heard a Voice.

A Change of Plan.

This weekend was intended to be devoted to cooking and watching cricket. Great plan except England demolished India by tea time yesterday. So I had to come up with another plan.

It was not very exciting, just domestic things like washing and cleaning. All very boring  although strangely enough of all the domestic tasks our lives give us I actually quite enjoy mopping the floor-how weird is that?

The cooking part stayed with slow cooked ribs with sherry and rosemary-not my greatest success-and slow roast shoulder of lamb today. That was excellent along with the rioja I am now consuming.

But it was not all boring stuff. Am very pleased to have forged further ahead with the new book. Now have the prologue and chapters 1-3 completed and I'm very pleased with it so far. Chapter 4 is fairly straight forward; gets a bit harder after that though.

Back to work tomorrow for one last week before my holiday. Part of it will be spent packing up my office-yes for the second time a year I'm being forced to move. But I will cast all that aside when I'm off. Recharge the batteries before the expected onslaught of the end of September.

So back to rioja. More soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Burnin' and Lootin' Tonight.

During the my year in Cambridge doing my PGCE I did many things other than teaching. One of those was to collect all the Bob Marley albums on CD. I'd never had a CD player before then-I couldn't afford one. But during the years of my madness Marley's music played an important background for me. I have never been to the streets of Kingston Jamaica, least of all during the political carnage of the 1970s. But if one is mad, judged, rejected and stigmatised as the mentally ill are it is easy to feel opprssed in one's life. We were the dispossessed, rejected by a more modern society.

The greatness of Bob Marley is still debated 30 years after his untimely death. Some ignorant people blame the cancer that killed him on the copious amounts of cannabis he smoked. In fact he died from a skin cancer virtually unknown in African Caribbean people courtesy of this white Scottish father. To many the iconic album is "Catch a Fire". But my tastes differ great though that album is. The one I like is "Burnin'". That eery title song, the music of the oppressed.

As I watched the carnage unfold in London last night and the streets burning I could not help but think of that song.

I don't know what the fall out will be of the last few days. Undoubtedly many people suffer a great deal in these difficult financial times. But are we, in 21st century Britain really that oppressed? Would it be different with a different government? Somehow I doubt it. Who have we become of people can unleash such ferocity on London's streets? Many I know who live there are now living in fear. I am glad I live in peaceful Hertfordshire. Let's hope we stay immune here.

Bit sombre that I know but felt I had to comment. More soon.

I Heard a Voice.

A New Venture.

So, to another Sunday. As you can tell by reading this blog I do on the whole like Sundays as a day of rest. A day for cooking, reading, and relaxing. There was a chance some friends were going to visit today but they didn't make it. Perhaps they will come another time. So I switched to plan B.

Cooking went fairly well, a Puglian dish of peas, bacon (couldn't get any pancetta) and shallots for lunch, then a slow roast belly pork for dinner. The latter was rather better than the former. I read the Sunday Times whilst listening to the "Messiah". And then I got on with my new venture.

The reponse to "A Pillar of Impotence" has been so overwhelming and so many people have said what happens next that I decided to write a sequel.

The working title is "Beyond the Boundaries" and I spent much of Wednesday evening writing the prologue. Today I turned to the body of the book and by 5.30 pm had a very satisfying chapter 1. I actually have the first 3 chapters written in my head and I'm pretty sure about chapter 4. It will take time though. The excitement of the beginning will wear off when I'm struggling with where to go next but I will do it.

If you have read my previous work you may remember the care I took in choosing my chapter titles. The Bible and Latin produced some of the more interesting ones. So far on the new work I have done Latin, the Bible, and Gilbert and Sullivan!

Hoping to get more done in the week. Now for a beer and watching the rest of "Revenge of the Sith" that I started last night.

I Heard a Voice.

A Plan Gone Awry.

My friend Mailk got married yesterday. I've known him for 12 years having trained as teachers together in Cambridge. So it should have been a marvellous day but somewhere along the line things did not go to plan.

I got the train down to Bromley and my friend Katherine drove from there. But if you follow the news you will have seen that there was a dreadful accident on the M25 and they closed the road. Result? Utter chaos. We ended up all the way down at Gatwick and trying to find our way back the exhaust pipe fell off just south of Reigate.

For someone who struggles to adapt when things you worng, a stange thing happened. I stayed completely calm. Katherine was extremely distressed but thanks to a the AA we did eventually get back to Bromley-despite the stress she got us back in one piece. So a 7 hour road trip to nowhere. Did manage a partial rescue by a very nice chicken doner when we got back.

But I guess in the light of my last post, who cares? There are far more serious things than getting stuck in traffic.

Home now having wasted £40 I can barely spare. But I have the rugby on, Assam tea made and am planning to cook the legendary Chinese dish "The Ants Climbing the Tree" later.

I Heard a Voice.

Thunder Clouds Gathering.

Contrary to what it says at the bottom of this post it is actually 9.05 pm UK time. It has been a hot and humid day. The darkness of night is coming and outside my window black thunder clouds are gathering. A storm to break the heat and clear the air.

Having lived in or around the world of mental illness for 21 years very little shakes or shocks me. I have been through the deaths of so many friends; 9 of those have been to suicide. Some think it is strange that someone like me at the age of 41 has been to so many funerals. But that is part of the territory for the mentally ill.

But yesterday I was shaken. At 10.14 am I had a text from a friend. It announced another death. But this one was a different, it was the  tragic death of a child. For once in my life I was completely lost. I thought of leaving work early but decided being busy was a better option.

When I got home at 5.30 pm I cooked then stared blankly at the TV, numbed by circumstance. For a day I felt enveloped by a blackness. But it was not the blackness of depression but that of shock and despair. If there is a God I ask him why?

My despair will pass but the event will forever change the lives of my friends. So my thoughts are with them now.

As I wait for the gathering storm to clear the air I know that tomorrow the sun will rise again. I will see it as will my friends but I doubt they will notice.

I Heard a Voice.

A Roast Chicken Sunday.

It has been an exceedingly quiet day. Actually I've really needed that. Although work is quiet, it is afterall the summer, my weekends have been frenetic; too much to do and too many people to see. Won't get a weekend to myself for another fortnight-have a wedding next Friday.

So what have I been doing today? Well there is a chicken roasting in the oven. I rarely do roast chicken but quite fancied it today. Par-boiling potatoes and have bought my first fresh peas of the summer; sounds divine.

And I have the cricket on! Last time I posted Kevin Pietersen had just scored his 18th test 100; he went on to a double 100 and England won a crushing victory. Fast forward a few days and it was all India. They were so dominant there seemed no hope. But brilliant bowling after tea yesterday turned the tide and now England are forging a possible winning position. It has been controversial though.

The other good news this week was a great review of "A Pillar of Impotence" in my local paper-I will share it when it is online. And now up to 5 on Amazon. Had an interesting lead on Friday when I met someone who runs a book club-she is really keen to get it. Let's hope they like it!

So we come to the end of July. A Month to my birthday. July has seen the second highest number of hits since I started this last September. So many thanks to my readers. Enjoy the rest of the weekend.

I Heard a Voice.

Exciting News.

Well, it's the end of another week. Only 4 more weeks of work before my holiday. So what of today? Work was quiet, had a cancellation and just managed to catch up on my notes. The nice thing about Friday is that I finish at 4 pm. I drove home to Pink Floyd's "Delicate Sound of Thunder"- isn't "Wish You Were Here"  amazing live? No live cooking just some heated up stuff, was good though. And now a few beers and recorded episodes of Shameless.

But something really important happened today. I got my first professional peer review of "A Pillar of Impotence". The Madness and Literature website is an internationally recognised mental health source run by the University of Nottingham. And what a review it is:

http://www.madnessandliterature.org/literature.php?id=187&resultpage=1

I wonder where it might take me? The second great thing that happened today was Kevin Pietersen scoring his 18 test 100 for England and his 5th at Lord's-202 not out! A sight to see especially after he got his first 100.

Tomorrow brings boring domesticity, but at least I can watch the cricket while I clean. Then am out for dinner for my friends birthday. A day to look forward to.

I Heard a Voice.

Speaking in Tongues.

There's a blog I have following for over a year now written by a young woman under the name of Izzi: http://juggleglass.com/ . She put a post up a week or so ago with the lyrics from a David Bowie that I know well by have never taken the time to explore. Not sure what it is called but it talked about being safer with the madmen rather than the rest of the world. Prompted by this I contacted Izzi last week and commented. A most interesting woman. One of things that attracted me to her blog was that it is predominantly about mental illness and university. Of course that is precisely what I do.

But what was quite diffuclt to hear was how lonely she feels in her illness. It got me thinking. I see nearly 100 students and staff a year. Some are mentally ill and some struggling mentally. But none of them know each other. I remember doing my PGCE in 1999/2000 and keeping my illness a secret. How different it might have been if I had spoken out.

There is something about living with mental illness. We have our own language; the words are the same but have different meanings. One of the great strengths I have in my work is speaking that language, the language of foreign tongues.

Yesterday I spent time with 2 friends in London. Both have a mental illness and there was something very safe about being with them. Almost like being home. The hardest part of my recovery was stepping from the mad world into the world of the sane. I am eternally grateful to my friend James for getting me to do that. Now I live in both worlds. I didn't change side in the world of mental health; I merely climbed to the top of the barrier that divides them from us and looked both ways!

So to a quiet Sunday. I went to a country pub to indulge my new found passion for real ale with a friend and am now roasting a ham for dinner-it smells most splendid! And there's a honey glaze to go on there for the last 30 minutes.

I Heard a Voice.

Another Great Review.

Keep checking amazon to see if I have 1. sold any more books-no, and 2. for new reviews. Thankfully I now have 3 and they are all great. See link below:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/1849913951/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1

But I guess great reviews are no good if no one knows the book is there. Problem is I'm not sure where else to try for publicity and also seem to have so little time. If only I could get one of the nationals to take a look. But alas in the wider world I am but a nobody!

For some reason there was a big spike in viewers of the blog at 7 am UK time today. I wasn't up but thanks for looking.

So what of my fine beef and extravagent Iberico Jamon? Bit mixed to be honest. I overcooked the beef on Sunday, maybe 10 minutes too long so it wasn't as perfect as I'd hoped. But the supreme quality of the meat meant that it was still fantastic. As for the jamon, there is but one work-divine. Still got some left too.

I'm feeling quite well at the moment which is quite ironic in that I have finally got an appointmnet with my Doctor tomorrow. He is exceedingly hard to get hold of. When I booked it some weeks ago I had been experiencing some prolonged and unexplained tiredness. But now it's all gone. It will be good to see him though and I know that theoretically he likes to keep an eye on me. Oh that the rest of my mad friends could stay as well as I do most of the time. But the sad truth is that most of my friends never got out of that world. Here's to them.

I Heard a Voice.

Bring on the Black Pigs!

One of the great delicacies that I know is the Iberico Jamon from acorn fed black pigs. If you've never tried it do, it's fantastic. The only problem is the price-that's why I rarely buy it.

There are few places on London I like to visit more than Borough Market. And it has been ages since I went. So today I took my friend Katherine there. She was a Borough Market virgin! Can you imagine living in London and never having been there?

Wherever I go I always seek out food markets. There are so many throughout the world but in the UK there are few better than Borough. Had a great day despite the crowds but by God did I spend some money. Came away with Iberico Jamon, Chorizo, paprika and some wonderful rib of beef from the Ginger Pig. So rare beef tomorrow. I guess I'd better go and buy some rioja.

Actually it has been three days on trains. On Thursday I travelled to Leeds for a conference. I didn't really want to go but it is sort of insinuated that I should. And much to my surprise it was great. Men's mental health is something that vexes us all in the business. It is so hard to get them engaged. But we had some great speakers all of whom work in the same way as me. Also looks like I will sell some books and may have a couple of speaking engagements to come in the future. Travelled home yesterday tired but pleased.

I plan to have a quiet rest of the weekend to catch up on my sleep. Beginning to get hungry again now so may go and visit Joey in Hakalok-something light I think.

More soon.

I Heard a Voice.

PS If I'm very lucky I might some beef dripping tomorrow!

The Cherry Season is Here!

For someone who doesn't like nuts I have a strange passion-florentines. Decided to indulge in one today only to discover that the only place that sells them here has put the price up by over 15%! Outraged!

So if I'm talking about florentines, what you might ask has that got to do with the cherry season? Well it's a bit of tenuous link but most of the time I can't afford cherries either. So it is always a great pleasure come July when the cherry season arrives and the prices become more reasonable. I love cherries so I guess I'll be buying a few in the next couple of weeks.

Yesterday was gastronomic decadence for me, slow roast lamb with honey, rosemary and garlic followed by a big bowl of cherries. Fantastic!

In the world away from food I went back to work today. Spent most of the day dealing with or deleting some of the 170 e mails in my inbox. Most were very boring but some were useful.

Also had a look at some other blogs. An interesting one on the MIND website about Personality Disorder and how people are being cast aside by services because of such a dubious and ludircrous diagnosis. Services are changing and I'm not sure it is for the better. When I work with people with PD labels it is usually very hard and complex but do I work any less hard than with others? Of course not! For years I've referred to personality disorder as the psychiatric dustbin-they are the damned. No one seems to give a shit as I knew only too well to my cost for all those years.

Diagnosis is by definition subjective. Those with the real power, the psychiatrists, sometimes get it wrong. They got it very wrong with me; wrong for 10 years. But I'm okay now. Sadly not too many people are as lucky as I am.

I Heard a Voice.

Do We Change with Age?

I had a terrible night's sleep. For years I have been plagued by nightmares and they certainly came out to play last night. Was also rudely awakened by the postman. Much to my surprise though I woke up in a buoyant mood well on the plus side of my scale. But back to nightmares.

A haunting face from the past appeared not once but twice last night. Before I went on risperidone I saw visions of her although rarely did she have a face. Last night she did. But it was the face of someone I knew 15 years ago. I wonder how much she has changed in that time? We all change with age but I'm sure that when we dream we can only conceptualise people as they were the last time we saw them.

Talking of change, my taste has changed radically in the last few days. I was in Cambridge on Thursday visiting an old friend. Purely by chance we went to a pub for lunch which had a beer festival on. I've always hated real ale but on Thursday I bit the bullet and tried some. And bloody good it was too! So this afternoon I went out to another country pub and had some more. Can't believe what I have been missing. Finally at the age of 41 maybe I have developed a real taste for proper beer.

Turning to Puglia tonight to eat. Something of a change of plan as I was supposed to be going to London today to sit for a portrait. So it is sausage and potato braised with lemon and bay. All courtesy of Rick Stein. Will let you know how it goes.

Back to work Monday; not looking forward to it after my week from hell before I was off.

I Heard a Voice.

Thunder and Lightning.

I'm back in Hertfordshire. Good trip back but marred by a tremendous deluge as I got off the train. Huge thunderclaps that sounded really close and forked lightning! Managed to stay undercover until it cleared and got a cab back home.

So it is back to cooking. As I am not working until Monday I can devote myself to the culinary arts. Moroccan today, I'm told it is called Kefta Mkaouara, a spicy egg, meatball and tomato tagine. Never done it before but it looks nice. Not sure about tomorrow-having to be fairly frugal until I get paid on Thursday. Then we shall see.

I Heard a Voice.

Time to Hit the Beach!

Well the sun finally arrived with avengence-God it's hot out there! So I took myself off for a stroll down to the beach. Surprisingly quiet there actually but I guess it will get busier.

Before I got ill I was a real sun worshiper. Then when the madness struck I could no longer tolerate heat and cold. I used to freeze in winter and burn up in summer. So for years the beach days went. I can now go there but not for too long.

There is something about the sea that always draws me back. I've been away from it for nearly 4 years now but it lurks in the back of mind and I love going there when I'm down.

Home to Hertfordshire tomorrow. Can't make too many plans as I don't get paid until Thursday and this last month has been a hell of an expensive one. What I do know is that I'm headed for Greenwich next weekend to take some photos for a portrait. All to do with the Literary Festival.

I Heard a Voice.

Where is the Sun?

Weather forecasters in the UK are famous for getting things very wrong. Well today they promised me a heatwave and glorious sunshine-so where is it? Woke up to mist and cloud. Quite warm but not what was promised. But it is only 12.15 pm so maybe there is hope for later.

I'm in Kent and very glad to be away from Hertfordshire. It has actually been the toughest week I've had in the 4 years since I moved. Sometimes it is horrible working in mental health and it has been just like that this week. My friend Lisa with whom I worked at Rethink used to say "I want to get a job in a sweet shop" when the going got tough. Sweets were most appealing this week.

No more work until Independence Day-yay!!! Am returning home on Tuesday, might perhaps go to London or Cambridge or even St Albans. But if I achieve nothing else this week I hope to get the ball rolling on the upcoming Literary Festival. More on that soon.

I Heard a Voice.

A Bad Journey

Today has not been my best day. Was travelling back from Exeter only to be let down by both the trains and the tubes. When I finally got back my mind was made up to have salt and pepper ribs and crispy aromatic duck at the Fu Hao. I there was therefore thoroughly unamused when I discovered it was full! Not pleased! But the silver lining is that I will go to Hakalok for slightly less good food but will see my great friend Joey on her birthday.

More when I'm in a calmer mood (and less starving).

I Heard a Voice.

The Sun has Risen Again.

An odd title I know on a day that is grey and threatens rain but in the world of my madness that is precisely what has happened. After two very bad days the increased medication worked and I am back to normal now. Tuesday was much better, mood back to a level of around +1 on my scale.

Today is a milestone in my life, an anniversary of sorts. For it was 21 years ago today, at almost this exact hour that I plummeted into my madness. That day is so clear in my mind, each little detail frighteningly recreated both mentally and in "A Pillar of Impotence". I have now lived with mental illness for half of my life.

It's not going to go away but, recent events aside I remain exceedingly well most of the time. The funny thing is tonight I will be with the same friends once again as on that fateful day in the early summer of 1991. It's a Selwyn reunion in Covent Garden tonight. Nothing formal just a chance to sup and chat about old times. There were many times I doubted I would make it to 30 but now I am heading for 42 it never ceases to amaze me how life can change with time and a little help from the right medication. These are lessons I try to extol on my young students. It's an alien concept to most of them but life is long and it does change.

I Heard a Voice.

And Darkness was upon the Face of the Deep.

Well after my post yesterday my mood went into a precipitous freefall. Hit -3 which is danger levels. So I increased my risperidone by 50% and doubled my trimipramine. Within an hour as I tried to sleep my mood lifted to the + side but was low again when I woke up. So going back to morning meds for a while.

I clawed my way up to 0 today but found everything such a struggle. Didn't want to do anything but made it to work anyway. Didn't get much done though.

Not quite sure why this has happened but I suspect it may be response to the extraordinary tiredness I have experienced since Easter. But none the wiser as to why that happened.

Those of musical bent may recognise the title of this post as coming from Haydn's "Creation". Wonderful piece of music. The story is of course resolved through God's will when he created light. Let's hope he does the same for me. Perhaps the coming of risperidone is God's will but I don't really understand such things. That said risperidone has been my "Holy Grail" for the last 10 years. On Thursday we have the 21st anniversary of my descent into madness. Hope I'm clear of that by then.

I Heard a Voice.

What a Dull Day.

It's wet and horrid outside, so dull, where has the sun gone? Today my mood seems to be mirroring the weather. I feel nothing, neither happy nor sad, just nothing.

If one lives with a mood disorder it is hard to work out what is the optimal target for mood. Anyone who experiences elevated mood always wants to be a bit high. We as professionals want things to be neutral. But my experience of neutral means feeling nothing. Not sure I like that.

Since I had a major relapse in the summer of 2006 I have kept a mood diary. Sometimes I forget to do it for a week or two so I have to try and remember. My scale goes from +3 to -5. This reflects the mini highs I get and the devastating lows that threaten to destroy my life. Where I like to be is +2 and I have been there or there abouts for the last few weeks. Today I feel at 0, not good, not bad, just nothing.

Perhaps that comes of being on anti depressants for the last 20 years. As a friend of mine who takes them sporadically said recently "I would rather feel something rather than nothing". I guess I echo that sentiment.

Hope the mood elevates soon. Perhaps the loin of pork on the bone I will be cooking later will help.

More soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Lost in the Post

There is something exceedingly irritating about the British postal system-it simply isn't reliable. I have had two letters forwarded on from my parent's house take 4 months to get to me recently. And now I have discovered that a copy of "A Pillar of Impotence" that I sent off for review on the Madness and Literature website failed to arrive.

Not good! Especially when I had to buy all the books I had for the launch rather than being given some by the publisher. Not at all happy. Only have two books left so I guess I will need to spend some more. Have been waiting to hear from a friend in Cambridge about a possible review, now wondering if that copy too has been lost.

There are a couple of positives on this bad day though. My friend Beka has managed to secure me a slot for the book at the Folkestone Literary Festival in November. That should be fun. And I also have a friend working on getting me a talk to people from South London and Maudesley MH Trust at some stage in the future. For those not in the know, the Maudesley is one of the pre-eminent MH teaching Trusts in the world.

If you read the last post, my talk to the psychiatrists went very well. In fact two of them wanted to have their photos taken with me. I guess I must have made an impression.

On this mixed day I guess I must take solace in listening to Thomas Weelkes in the car on the way home-Tutor music can be most refreshing-and buying something splendid to cook when I get home.

I Heard a Voice.

PS Have had some interesting thoughts on a sequel to "A Pillar of Impotence"-could even write an opening chpater today!

A Good Day.

It is always nice when the day goes well. And today was one of those days. A few times a year I get to do mental health training at the university. So I took 13 people through the starnge world of mental health and all went really well. I have actually been doing freelance training for a number of years now. Mostly it goes quite well.

In fact over the years I have had various people come up to me in the street, in the supermarket, the pub or various other places and told me they had been on one of my training courses. I can't even remember people's names when they are in the room let alone ages later. But it is the power of the story that is memorable. I didn't do the full version today, not enough time. But I did enough to make a couple of people feel safe enough to disclose their own experience. It is so much easier to teach if one has a responsive audience.

Tomorrow, there is another audience. I get to teach psychiatrist then! One of my favourite occupations. All those years of being controlled by egotistical morons who looked, read the notes, judged and condemned. Now I get to tell them the truth. Perhaps I might even sell some books.

Will update you on that another time.

Kept it simple tonight on the food front; a salad of melon, tomatoes, cucumber, mozzarella and a mint dressing. Absolutely delicious. From the Rick Stein French Odyssey book. One may ask why an Italian cheese in a French salad? Simple, I don't like the goat's cheese in the recipe. So I improvise.

I Heard a Voice.

Another Holiday Weekend.

It's another long weekend. Had a friend staying, had fine food and nice beer-the rare beef for lunch was particularly good. Shame about the kebab I just had. I occasionally have an urge for a kebab and today was one of those days. Am usually disappointed and so it was the norm this day.

The nice thing about long weekends is managing to catch up on my sleep. Sleep is critical to maitaining my recovery-if I don't sleep Mr Psychosis comes a knocking.

Sadly it is the last long weekend until the week of my birthday. Another year older. Amazing how fast time goes when one gets older.

I Heard a Voice.

PS Perhasp I should take a week off soon.

Hurrah!

Hurrah! I've finally managed to get on here from home! Not sure what the problem was but let's hope it is straightforward from now on.

I Heard a Voice.

Strange Bed Fellows.

Is it wrong to follow Handel with Pink Floyd? The Coronation Anthems to Dark Side of the Mood? I set my sights on that course of action a couple of days ago. I like being slightly odd and some would say eccentric. Thought it might make a funny post but as I drove in this morning and switched from one to the other a strange connection emerged in my mind.

On the face of it the only connection is the iconic nature of the works. Few in the UK will not have heard of Zadok the Priest even if they don't know they know it. Equally sections of Dark Saide of the Moon are well known from the advert circuit. There is a hint of madness in both-Dark Side of the Moon being about madness and Handel having bipolar. But the connection to many may seem curious.

But in my mind it is different. Throughout my illness-at least days before risperidone-Dark Side of the Moon was the album many nutters adopted as an anthem. Few I knew did not recognise some of their own madenss in that great album. But Zadok the Priest held a special place too.

In the summer of 1996 I spent a week singing in Chartres cathedral in France. It was during our final performance on a glorious summer's afternoon that my psychosis button switched on. As the organ played the introduction I heard a voice. A voice that it knew well-it haunted me so much. A voice that shouldn't have been there echoing round the great vault of that ancient cathedral. I wanted to run but there was nowehere to run to. Somehow I made it through the service and several hours later my psychosis subsided. That was the most disturbing experience of my madness

It was also the greastest missed opportunity; how different might my life have been had a response been risperidone? In real Life I had to wait another 5 years to get the help I needed.

21 years into my illness I still sometimes think I made it all up. The words of "A Pillar of Impotence" a figment of my imagination. Afterall that was the response from so many psychiatrists-it was all my delusion. I've not heard voices for so long I've almost forgotten what it is like. But then I remember back to that summer's day in France in 1996. That was very real.

I Heard a Voice.

PS Note to self, Bangbang chicken doesn't travel well. Kebabs went down well though!

Dining al Fresco

It's the day before our proposed picnic at work. Judging by the wind today I suspect we might have to adjourn indoors.

As expected I couldn't make up my mind what to cook so have gone for 3 different things. Real Chinese Bangbang chicken; don't you just hate it when restaurants pass off peanut sauce rather than the genuine sesame sauce? Moroccan chicken kebabs are currently marinading in my fridge. Then just need to cook them and make my Turkish coleslaw and I will be ready.

I do so miss blogging at the weekend-still having PC problems. But it was a relaxing one which I needed as have been inordinately tired recently.

Very well otherwise. My mood has on the whole been on the plus side of my scale in recent weeks. Work has gone fairly quiet but that could change at any moment. The most interesting thing on the horizon is an upcoming lecture to some shrinks. Never ceases to amaze me just how far I've come.

Well lunch break is over so have to get back to things. More soon.

I Heard a Voice.

An Odd Thing

If any of you have been waiting for my next post, my apologies. For some reason my computer at home is no longer allowing me access to the Blogger site so posts from now on will likely be more sporadic. I will try to blog during my breaks at work but that is entirely dependent on how busy I am. If anyone has any idea how I can rectify the IT problem at home, please let me know. As I've said before I am a complete technophobe!

I Heard a Voice.

A Day of Nothing

It's turned cold in my small part of the world. Not really that cold but after recent good weather I found myself scurrying for a jumper today.

So what of this weekend? I've actually done very little bar cook. Did a culinary first for me yesterday with a Singapore curry crab. Pretty good but needed more seasoning. Today a melon and mozerella salad with a mint dressing and will be roasting a small joint of lamb later.

Other than that all I have done today is listen to Beethoven and read the paper. But I guess I need to relax sometime.

Work has gone quieter. It's not that there are fewer people suffering mentally it is just that they are all tied up with exams at the moment. Only a couple of weeks until the end of term. My summers are usually quite quiet but I never know what the next phone call will bring.

And tomorrow? I don't want to think about that yet-my diary is staying firmly closed!

I Heard a Voice.

An Editorial Apology

My sincerest apologies, the march was actually yesterday! I thought this week was going far too quickly. Apparently 5000 people turned up-most impressive.

I Heard a Voice.

PS I feel like the editor of the News of the World having to make a groveling apology!

The Marching Season Continues.

There's a very strange programme on the TV in the background as I write this. It's an animation with conversations from actually counselling sessions. So that is what they do! I spend all day with such people and I certainly don't work like that. Maybe I get it wrong but it seems to work for me, and, more importantly the people who come to see me.

Talking of work and counsellors, apparently I have to bring along so culinary delight for a team picnic in a couple of weeks. For years I refused to eat picnic food, I'd done it too many times before. But now, being the foodie that I am my mind is teaming with endless possiblities. I want to bring enough for everyone but perhaps that would be greedy and self indulgent. Can't decide though between Far Eastern, Middle Eastern, North African, or French. Or maybe an old favourite of mine, Spanish. No doubt my mind will vascillate a great deal between now and then and I will probably bring many things.

Well, enough of food. Not sure if I mentioned it on here before but I was visiting a friend in London a few weeks ago and had intended to go to the Boat Race. Sadly, a massive anti cuts march paralysed London that day and I was unable to go. But tomorrow there is another march, one that I'm sure will not get out of hand. It is march by disabled people against cuts in benefits and services. Mind has been heavily promoting it and working hard to protect people's mental health on the day.

I fear it will change nothing but if I was not working tomorrow I would consider joining. Never been on a march before. If you're going, have a good day.

Not sure I can take much more in this counselling. Time log off and turn over.

See you all soon.

I Heard a Voice.

May Day Holiday.

I'm never really sure what to make of May Day. Seems a big celebration particularly if you can get to Padstow. But to me it is just another holiday. Actually this holiday has lasted rather a long time. 4 bank holidays in 2 weeks-great stuff. But it's back to reality on Tuesday.

So I'm having another lazy Sunday. There is big joint of beef in the oven-plan to cook it really rare! A bottle of rioja sits as yet unopened; another will come when my friend arrives for dinner. Hope not to drink too much though.

It has been nice here today, just a little windy though. Went to country pub this afternoon, nice to sit in the sun. Then back home for tea. Also did plenty of Mozart is is my wont, listened the rest of the Magic Flute in the car and to the clarinet quintet when I got home. Now watching West Ham losing yet again. I wonder what tomorrow will bring?

Happy holidays.

I Heard a Voice.

And So Back Home Again.

Well, I made it home. Roads were virtually empty and did it in almost record time. Shame I missed the wedding but as it will be replayed for days to come I can catch up.

So what of my adventures? From a culinary perspective it has been great. Spanish tapas http://www.london-eating.co.uk/39219.htm in London; Bangladeshi Kushboo in Hertfordshire; Moroccan tapas in Canterbury; a hog roast  at Brabourne Lees at another wedding yesterday; and who can resist a quick Pad Thai on my return.

It has been fun. Saw loads of old friends too. The great news is that I'm still on holiday until Tuesday. Will have to start cooking again tomorrow.

No news from the mad world. I actually try to avoid it whilst away but I did get an amazing book review on Amazon http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/1849913951/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1 . Once you read it you will realise how good I feel about that. Don't know who wrote it but she is most welcome with her review. It seems some people want me to write a sequel!

I Heard a Voice.

Beef Dripping-How Terribly British!

Last night, as I try to do most Tuesday nights, I attended a pub quiz. Normally we have four of us in our team. Not entirely sure that any of us phenomenally bright but as a team we usually do quite well. We add different areas of knowledge which always helps; individually each of us would fail miserably. Collectively we do okay. And last night we won.

Sometimes, rather than fritter away the money, I use is towards having a nice meal. So at lunch time today I headed off to a local Chinese restaurant for a quick lunch. Wish I hadn't bothered-bland, overcooked and horrible. So how to make up for that? Stocks are low as I'm going away on Saturday but I had one item of sheer decadence-beef dripping! My Doctor will shoot me for using it, and in truth I rarely do, but what results, Heaven! Never done bacon and eggs in it before but will definitely try it again.

It is terribly British so I'm told. In Gascony they use goose fat. In Sri Lanka coconut oil. Parts of the Indian subcontinent favour mustard oil. All are great. But sometimes my gastronomic tours come home! I rarely eat fish-too many memories of being ill-but rumour has it fish and chips in beef dripping is amazing!

Anyway, away from food. What about the mad world? Well my mad world is currently deluged with amazing responses to my book. Keep getting messages saying it is so hard to put down people are struggling to get on with things they need to do. All great to hear if probably not true.

But I did something today to try to raise the profile. I sent it of to http://www.madnessandliterature.org/ for review. Here's hoping it works out!

One more day of work then holiday. London on Friday then Kent at the weekend. Can't wait!

I Heard a Voice.

A Voice Heard From the Wilderness

What a day it was on Tuesday! Only just recovering now. Wanted to post before but no energy so have waited until tonight. Quietly at home with a beer and Mozart. Nothing interesting on the food front-will attend to that tomorrow.

So to the great launch. I first became ill very suddenly on 16th June 1990. Whilst I have had my illness more or less under control since September 2001 there has always been a burning desire to wrote a brutally honest account of my illness, or more specific the appalling treatment I received under the System. I actually completed "A Pillar of Impotence" in 2005. Thinking it was most unlikely ever to be publish I decided to have a party to celebrate whatever the outcome may be. That took place on 1st April 2005 in Bar Vasa, Sandgate, Kent. That was one hell of a party that is still fondly remembered.

I then spent the next 6 years having my silence kept by wave after wave of rejection. There were false dawns but nothing ever panned out. That was until I switched to plan B, Chipmunkapublishing. This  is a social enterprise which specialises in helping people like me tell their stories. As you may have seen earlier in the blog that it came out at the end of January.

But the real launch was on Tuesday 12th April. And on that day I finally arrived, 6 years and 11 days after the finish party.

If you know me, you will know that I relish public speaking. In fact it is extremely hard to shut me up, especially when I talk about mental health. But Tuesday was very different. I rarely speak with notes and pretty much had all I was going to say etched in my mind.

Then my manager spoke so eloquently of the book that she read over one weekend. After that, for the first time in years I was lost for words. They tell me what I did say was both moving and eloquent. In reality I forgot most of it. But I did get through.

Nearly 70 people came and I was utterly overwhelmed not only by the numbers but the extraordinary generosity of people's comments. I retired to the pub after utterly shattered! Hence having only recovered today.

All the books I had are now sold or promised. Amazon only has one left so if you are interested go to the link below:

http://chipmunkapublishing.co.uk/shop/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=2&products_id=1801

There is also an amazing review on that site:

http://chipmunkapublishing.co.uk/shop/index.php?main_page=product_reviews_info&products_id=1517&reviews_id=1005 .

And so back to reality. But at least it is the weekend tomorrow. More soon.

I Heard a Voice.

My Voice is Heard.

Today is a very big day for me. The book I conceived so many years ago and completed in 2005 will be offically launch at the University of Hertfordshire today. My voice will finally be heard! It has been a very long time in coming.

More here soon on the launch.

I Heard a Voice

A Medication Explosion!

It has been a long day. Spent much of it catching up on my notes-I've been miles behind for weeks-and sorting out the final touches for book launch on Tuesday. Lots of people hoping to come-I fear I will run out of books. Also went to very interesting talk on Palestine. I had planned to go to an evening event as well, but feeling somewhat tired so I decided to go home at the normal time. Big mistake-it took me nearly an hour to drive 6 miles through inexplicable gridlock.

But home I am now, refreshed by some fine Thai BBQ ribs which have been marinading in my fridge since last night, and nice cold beer-time for a post.

Today the BBC decided to make it known that prescriptions for SSRIs in the UK are up 43% since 2007. Perhaps what we would expect in a recession. Suicide rates locally have rocketed in that same time period but remain low compared to other parts of the country. But I ask the question, how on earth does prozac help with people's financial problems? It doesn't!

I've been on anti depressants since July 1991. Now that is a long time. I have been through virtually anything that was on the market in the 1990s. None have had any impact on my mood. Only risperidone affected any change in me. But my old tricyclic anti depressant does serve a purpose for me; I can't sleep without it.

Judging by evidence I have collected over the years many people will be disappointed in the failure of such drugs. They don't always solve the problem but if they help take them.

The story is on the following link:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-12986314

More soon.

I Heard a Voice.

A Busy Week

I return after something of an absence-I'm back! Much has gone on since I last came on here and most of it has been good. The last week in particular has been quite intense.

On Wednesday I had the great privilege of delivering a lecture to the Islamic University-Gaza on mental health recovery. No I didn't travel there-I'm told it is very hard to get a visa-but rather worked on videolink for the first time. A truly memorable experience despite the translation breaks an interruption by 3 of the most senior people in MH in Gaza. Went really well and came away buzzing.

Thursday took me to a conference at Hatfield House. Never been there before-most beautiful. It was an interesting day but we spent much of it trying to reinvent the mental health/employment wheel and realising that there is way too much duplication going on. The odd thing is that no one dared raise the question of where are the job for service users to go to? Perhaps people were too scared to ask. Had two lovely ladies from DWP there talking about benefits-I asked a searching but not too scary question of them.

But the point remains, who is going to employ all these people deemed "fit for work"? You never know with our cuts in funding, maybe I will join them soon!

Completing my marathon week I travelled to Birmingham on Friday to speak a conference on wellbeing for staff in the HEI sector. Went very well, just wasn't too impressed with the 5.45 am get up!

So after all that it has been a weekend. Friend visiting, lots of cooking and a couple of trips to the pub. Went to watch some American Football this afternoon but the home team were so bad I gave up at half time!

Back home now doing the washing and slow roasting some belly pork-Sundays were made for the latter!

I Heard a Voice.

Ever Thought About Relationships? Does Like Attract Like?

Have you ever noticed that people form relationships with their own kind? Teachers marry teachers; Doctors marry Doctors; musicians attract musicians. But what of professional services users? Ever been on a date and had to stop to take medication? I have; it's not good.

The reason I bring this up today is that I ran a training session for some colleagues at the university on Thursday. We were talking about tips to maintain wellbeing. Someone said avoidance of what he called "co-dependent relationships". It was an expression born out of bitter experience. I think there was some substance in what he had suggested. That said I have no doubt that some relationships between people with mental illnesses can and do flourish. But I suspect many others fail.

Over my years roaming the strange world of mental health, I have noticed that a huge number of sufferers are single. This seems to be particularly so of men. I'm lost count of the number of young men who felt that getting a girlfriend would make their lives better. Not sure that is the case. Likewise there are many women who avoid relationships because of their experience at the hands of men.

I rather like being single; my life is so much less stressful then. I'm not looking for anything in particular but I know what I'm not looking for-forming a relationship with another service user. I spend too much time looking after my students and myself without having to come home to it every night.

So what else has been happening in my world? Lots of complex case work. Suspect I will have to work late much of next week. But it will ease off. And anyway, however complex my work can be it is almost never dull and is always rewarding.

Now back to a quiet Sunday. I indulged my passion for pork earlier-lots of delicious crackling. Was also very restrained in that I didn't open the fine bottle of rioja I have waiting. It is indeed a quiet Sunday! Now to enjoy the rest of the sunshine

I Heard a Voice.

A Quiet Sunday.

Greetings from a cold but sunny Hertfordshire. Today is a day for relaxing. Mood quite good even if I am a little tired; time to just relax.

It has been week of voices from the past. I went down to Kent last weekend and saw an old Cambirdge friend-not seen her since 1989-God that was life time away, even before my illness. Spent a very pleasant evening in the pub passing away the last 20 years. Very much hope to do it again soon.

Then on Thursday another voice from the past appeared in my life; my friend from the Cayman Islands called. She moved away from the UK in 1998 and have only really had sporadic e mail contact in the last year or too. Sadly she was in Scotland and me here but we plan to meet in town next time she is over.

So what of the rest of the week? Nothing important to tell really, just another week. Had planned to go to the food Mecca that is Borough Market yesterday but sadly tiredness and a minor hangover led to a change of plan. Did manage to put together a fine beef bourguignon and then polished off the remaining claret. Today I turn my attention to my old favourite belly pork. Talking of which I almost forgot to put it in the oven! Nice slow roast and a leisurely dinner later.

More soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Back to Cooking.

Hello from a wet and cold Hertfordshire. Maybe winter is coming back-I do hope not!

Well, another week starts. Back to full strength now and that does of course mean cooking once again. Have a rib of beef in the oven and some fine rioja-heaven. Of course normally being terribly British I would do this on a Sunday but I went for a curry with my parents yesterday so felt I had to make up for it today.

Actually I feel quite good for the beginning of the week. Lots to do but so far so good. Didn't realise that this week is Eating Disorder Awareness Week. That was something that was new to me when I took up my job 3 1/2 years ago. But I've certainly learned since, particularly this year.

If you are reading this it might seem ironic that I open my post with food then go on to talk about eating disorders. As you will gather it has never been an issue to me although when I was at my worst, and that lasted many years, I had little appetite and my weight dropped. But risperidone put paid to that.

But more to point, although it is not an issue for me, I do like to note that eating disorders are serious mental health difficulties and there are many out there who battle day to day against these conditions.

So if you have an interest, have a looks at what is out there this week. There is an interesting blog on the Mind website about eating disorders in men, http://www.mind.org.uk/ .

I Heard a Voice.

PS My book is now also on sale at the Waterstones and WHSmith websites.

A Most Unexpected Day.

Hail and salutations!

So what news? I guess the biggest news is that I am back in the land of the living. Having struggled with headaches, exhaustion, and whole range of other symptoms for most of the past 3 weeks, I emerged back to life this week. Lesson learned, it is far harder to recover from concussion ages 41 than it is ages 21!

I returned to work this week full time. Some trepidation but much to my surprise my energy has returned. But it was challenging week to come back to. Last night I mused to a degree on why I have a job in the first place. And on paper, today looked rather scary.

So from 10 am until 4 pm I worked non stop. Most unexpectedly it went fantastically well! A day of surprises. I learned a long time ago that if you work in mental health, no day is ever as it seems. And today that proved right.

I drove home listening to the late great genius who was Bob Marley, mood elevated for the first time in while and looking forward to the rest of the day.

Tomorrow is all change. I'm headed to the seaside although at this time of the year that can be pretty bleak. Will see my mum and dad, catch up with friends and hopefully forget about the world. Happy days for me if not for some others in the troubled world of today.

No food news today, just heating stuff up, but I will mark my return to normality next week by going once again on my culinary adventures!

I Heard a Voice.

Knock knock, Who's There?

Blogging is a strangely fickle business. Since discovering the stats on here is has been really strange watching trends change. Audiences wax and wane for no apparent reason, and areas of the world where people are accessing this blog change very quickly. At the moment, no one seems to be out there.

I suppose I ought to speculate as to why that is. Perhaps my lack of recent blogs has led to a drop off. Maybe I have nothing interesting to say. Is my writing poor? Or is it that people just think I'm full of shit? Maybe all of those but I do know that I can't control whatever people do so I try hard not to worry about that. (that only works sometimes!).

So what has been going on in my world? Most significantly I have more or less stopped cooking in the last couple of weeks. I'm only working part time and really don't have the energy to do much else. Strange the ways of minor head injuries.

But fatigue apart, I am recovering. My mood was affected quite badly for a couple of days but on the whole it has remained relatively stable if a little lower than before.

Very much hope I can get back into this when my energy returns. In the meantime, I'm off for a curry!

Take care.

I Heard a Voice.

I'm Still Alive!

Has it really been that long since I last posted on here? Well actually it has. But I am still alive and thought it was about time for an update.

So what has been happening since then? Work has been exceedingly hectic but have had to take a step back from that. Had an accident at work last Tuesday so haven't been back since. Nothing serious or causing lasting damage but might take a while to get over it. Saw a Doctor yesterday who told me I have post concussion syndrome-so tell me somehting I don't know! Nothing can be done but time.

Much more importantly though, my book finally came out! It took almost 9 years to the day since I started writing. Have been reading all week but sadly have been somewhat disappointed, I did not do a very good job on the editing! I just hope the whole thing holds together despite the flaws.

In the unlikely event anyone wants to buy it it just went on Amazon:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Pillar-Impotence-Mark-Edgar/dp/1849913951/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1296915585&sr=1-2

Plan to take it very easy for the rest of the weekend. Superbowl tomorrow but certainly won't be staying up for all of it if I continue to feel like this. Might have to take out shares in the makers of paracetamol!

I Heard a Voice.

An Anniversary.

Well, it was a year ago today that I crashed. I had being running hard for weeks, life was great; as it turned out it was too great. What goes up must come down. And by God did I come down.

When I was better in about April, I reflected on a very different period of illness. There were no voices. I didn't feel suicidal. I was certainly very low. But more than anything else was a chronic feeling of emptiness.

Anniversaries always played a huge part in my years of illness-16th June; 10th August; 26th September; and of course Christmas. But those days are I hope long gone. In recent years I have only had 3 relapses none of which really lasted at its most intense any longer than 3 weeks. Now I treble my medication, take a step away from life and sleep. A year ago I slept 14 hours a day. Sleep is so precious to me; for years I had so little. Simple precaution now-get lots of sleep especially at weekends.

So what of today? A year on I am doing very well. Not as up as I was before Christmas but still on the plus side of my moodscale. I've survived my first week back at work. It's the weekend. The cover of my book is complete. My friend is coming over for a curry later and I have a Corsican style stew marinading in the fridge-supposed to be boar but couldn't get any so making do with pork. Life looks good!

And what of tomorrow? A task-check the proofs of "A Pillar of Impotence". Once that is done it all goes off to the printers. After that the culmination of 9 years project. There will be a mighty celebration when that day finally comes!

I Heard a Voice.

Benefits, Anger, and Suicide.

Well I've been back three days now and already tired. For years I was plagued with insomnia. To a large extent that is now sorted by one of my two medications. But I'm sometimes badly affected by nightmares; the last few weeks has been one of those times. So I woke up at 6.30 am today and could not get back to sleep; too much on my mind. So I actually went into work early today-that's quite unusual.

So find myself at home, tired, listening to the Jam, and digesting some fine Malaysian prawns I cooked earlier and contemplating the day. And a small part of today was taken up by looking at various MH blogs.

There is one theme that keeps dominating at the moment-benefit changes. I talked briefly in previous postings of my battles for benefits when I needed them and the fact that despite the fact I have what is probably a life long disability I am entitled to nothing as I'm too well.

When I was on them it seemed as if the various guises of what is now the Department of Work and Pensions was fighting a personal crusade against. I felt judged, attacked, threatened and lied about. On more than one occasion I was driven to the brink of suicide. Fortunately I'm not in that place now.

But many people out there are in that terrible place right now. I was particularly saddened to see a heart rending post from someone who seems to have had MH difficulties for years and endured homelessness setting out precisely what will happen to her if her next assessment goes badly; she will kill herself.

I talk towards the end of my book about the dangers that the DWP poses to the lives of the vulnerable. The Department of Health set targets to reduce suicides (and if we believe official figures which I don't there has been some improvement in the last 10 years) and the DWP sets out to reduce the benefit bill. The two are not compatible! The suicide figures will inevitably rise.

Over the years I have become acutely aware how few people really know anything about mental illness. Many of the public don't care, GPs have many specialisms but few are experts on mental health, and many MH professionals are not very good.

So who conducts these assessments for the DWP? People who on the whole know fuck all! They can't even agree what the best way to assess mental health is.

I fear for the lives both figuratively and literally for all those who are at the mercy of such tests.

I Heard a Voice.

PS I now have the proofs of the book; just need to check them then they finally go to the printers. We're getting there!

The End is in Sight!

Well, here I am on cold and very wet day contemplating the end of my long holiday. Today is the last day. I've never actually had 3 weeks of holiday in one go since I started work. Was a bit concerned I might get bored but on the whole it has been pretty good. Managed to visit London a couple of times and St Albans. And of course my week in Kent.

This afternoon I went out to a quiet country pub and watched the world go by. Simple pleasures. Came home to for tea and have been contemplating what to cook. Decided to try something different, a tamarind chicken casserole. I do like trying new things; usually they come out okay but occasionally it goes disastrously wrong. Let's home today is not one of those days.

My mood remains on the plus side of the scale but not as up as it was before Christmas. I've tried to shy away from mental health during my holiday. But that is hard to do when one lives constantly with returning threat of illness. But I try not to worry about that too much.

On Monday I go back to that world. I always expect the unexpected; that's what makes my job fascinating.

I Heard a Voice.

The Morning after the Night Before!

Well, 2011 dawned with quiet, soft rain and the mother of all hangovers! Back up to speed now though, had some rare beef, am listening to Cosi fan Tutti and drinking a fine rioja. As you can see normal service has returned.

I reflect on the last year with a curious mix of delight and sadness. A year ago I thought I was headed back to my beloved Cambridge to live, my mood was flying and all seemed rosy. Then the crash happened. Cambridge did not work out and I had the worst relapse in 9 years. Funnily enough I had no psychosis that time. I had to take time off which I hate doing for my madness, and then worked part time for a few weeks.

So what of now? My mood has been flying again for several months. Then just in the last 10 days or so it has slipped back somewhat. I'm not depressed just a little lower than I have been. I wonder if that will last.

Still have another week off before my return to the university. Nice to have a break but I'm sure normal chaos will resume when I'm back there. Hoping to hit St Albans on Wednesday and maybe another trip to London at some point.

More soon.

I Heard a Voice.