Saying Goodbye and Hello.

On a mild and intermittently sunny late December Day I saying goodbye to what was and hopefully hello to a glorious tomorrow. 

That this year has been tumultuous has been recorded in my posts on here many times. A year ago another hammer blow was about hit. People can be so unkind. There would be more hammer blows up until Easter.

Somehow I was able to stagger up from the canvas of life each time. Resilience I suppose. 

Now as I listen to The Nelson Mass on New Year's Eve I'm doing much better. It's funny when support comes from unexpected places that we can not only survive but Thrive.

The weight of expectation continues to weigh on me but I have done some good with my words.

What tomorrow brings I do not know. 2024 is less than twelve hours away. I know I will cook, listen to opera, read, drink my wine and hopefully bring a smile to people. 

Without smiling where would we be. When I started on Risperidone in 2001 a couple of weeks later I bumped into a former neighbour. She asked me what had happened? Bemused I asked her what she meant. "You're smiling! I haven't seen you smile in years".

My battles with mental health goes on but today I'm winning. 

Happy New Year to you all. Prosper in 2024.

I Heard a Voice. 

By the Pale Light of Dawn.

It's nearly 8.30 am in the heart of East Kent. I've been awake since 6.00 am. Some days I just can't sleep. 

I watched Dawn breaking over the beach. There no sun to be seen, just the pale, eery dawn light of a late December morning.

The sky was alive with gulls. The sky a threatening slate grey. And the sea rising to heights then crashing down on the beach.

I'm not a morning person. In fact I hate mornings. Today though I was at one with nature in all its brutal savagery. 

The celebration of Christmas was grand this year. We nailed the roast goose. The pudding divine. And the cheese awesome. Much wine too. I was so tired I could have gone to bed at 5.00 pm.

Boxing day saw roast gammon before Miriam and Nigel disappeared on their travels. 

The world may be in turmoil but for two days at least I was at peace.

A year ago I also woke early. My mind was destroyed that day. I saw inside the gates of hell that day. Not today though. 

I'll tarry here a little while longer. Then out for breakfast and after get my hair cut.

Work is still a week away. There are people to see and things to do before then. I hope the drive home on Saturday will be a simple as the journey down here.

I Heard a Voice. 

A Windswept Sea.

The wind is blowing across the shingle beach. Waves rise and crash. And the sky a threatening grey. Mum would not have swum today. 

Yesterday I escaped to Kent for Christmas. It was an unusually good journey. Work is done for the year.

The anger and paranoia of my last post has dissipated and I'm good. 

I didn't get that job but I am not disheartened. There will be others. As I said to people at the time it was an opportunity rather than a desire burning or otherwise. 

A year ago on Boxing Day I descended into hell. The worst crash in 30 years. For a long time I was paralysed by fear, by failure and by expecting too much of me. But fought back.

As the world grapples with war, famine, disease, climate change and man's propensity to destroy itself I can only control parts of my little world. 

And today I'm with my family, near the beach in East Kent. 

The great day awaits us tomorrow. A sumptuous feast of roast goose will decorate our table. We will go to the beach as the sun sets. Christmas pudding will follow. Then cheese and wine late into the night. 

For a day or two the gesture of peace on earth goodwill towards men will mark my life even as darkness encloaks the world. Please be kind to yourself and to others  

I Heard a Voice. 

Fear and Paranoia.

This last week was hard. Not all bad but it was hard. Being angry and paranoid never sits well with me. But I know my critics sometimes rage and that makes me rage. But tomorrow is another day and I will stay true to myself. 

33 years into my journey in mental health I am who I am. I speak out and not everyone appreciates that. Yet if I don't speak out who will?

A former colleague once said to me "you're the only person I have ever met who talks about the shadow". I asked what that meant and she said it is a term in Jungian psychotherapy that is the truth no one ever speaks. 

Where I've got in trouble in my career is when I speak the truth no one wants to hear. Many find it hard to hear the truth.

Troubling though the first part of the week was Faith was restored on Thursday. Facing an interview for the first time in over two years I don't think it could have gone any better. My presentation was so comprehensive the panel had no questions. The interview questions were all answered I hope eloquently. Just as important they answered my questions. 

At the end I said it would be controversial for a non qualified person like me to be appointed. The response was "you were shortlisted for a reason, experience counts".

We will see in the week. 

Back to today Mozart plays. A shoulder joint of pork will go in the oven at 2 pm. I do like Sundays!

I Heard a Voice. 

Slumbering Change Before the Snow.

Greetings on this cold late November day. Actually it has been freezing all week and we're bracing ourselves for snow tomorrow. 

Opera night is in full swing with Madame Butterfly and dinner is in the oven. Greek baked prawns with tomatoes, pepper, oregano and feta. Smells great. 

You find me trying to shake off the latest autumn lurgy. Seem to have caught everything bar covid the last couple of months. 

Despite that I'm making progress. A plan is afoot for change that I didn't seek. More an opportunity than an aspiration. I'm not very good at attention to detail but of the five hurdles I face in my operation three are complete. Sequential as they are I've needed to be unusually methodical in my approach.

The next hurdle will be faced at 11 am on Thursday next week. Then is my opportunity to talk and hopefully blow the audience away. Everyone believes I will smash it to use the parlance of today. 

Before then though I have to deliver to a number of 6th form students on university, mental health and change. That's scheduled for Friday morning. Looking forward to that. 

The weekend beckons, quite fancy Sunday lunch at The Waggoners. Last weekend I went to Borough Market which was sublime on Friday. The lunch at The Waggoners on Saturday. Sarah and I are booked there on 14th December, we want to catch the visiting Carol Singers.

Advent Sunday approaches; I get to hear the epic Low He Comes with Clouds Descending. One of the greatest hymns I know. 

Take care.

I Heard a Voice. 

Death of a Book Case.

When I first moved to this part of town in 2009 my very dubious landlord kitted out the flat. Cheap junk which just about summed him up. I had told him of my love for books. What I ended up with was a flimsy wobbly book case.

A move later to the flat I now own the book case came too. Then after having a pint more than was perhaps wise I lost my balance and crashed into it. The book case is dead and there are books everywhere!

Despite this calamity you find on a Sunday morning tired but good. 

Things are afoot. A plan is in place. In a couple of weeks I must do the presentation of my life and shine. An interview is looming. And I'm good at interviews. But that can wait.

Today though is more sedate. Opera plays, belly pork is in the oven and a quiet day is underway. 

Happy Sunday all.

I Heard a Voice. 

The Loneliness of Being

I slept poorly again, my mood is low, it's pouring with rain and I wish I was back in bed. Today is not good. 

Tired and hungry, not even the smell of roast beef has lightened my mood. 

Sometimes living alone feels hopeless. That terrible adage of depression is that I desperately want to be with people but I desperately want to be alone. 

My lovely friend Ruth did ring and Katie left a voice note but other than that no human contact today. My neighbour Leo is coming for lunch but that is making me anxious. 

What has brought this on remains a mystery. The fall out of yesterday's post? A natural shift in mood downwards? The culprit may never be known but today being me is no fun.

I feel in need of a break but nothing on the horizon until Christmas. And that seems a long way away today. Stop the world I want to get off.

The sun in my life will rise again. Today, tomorrow, who knows. Wish it would hurry up.

I Heard a Voice. 

The Dark Past.

You may be wondering where I have been the last few weeks. It's not that I didn't have anything to say but more how to say it.

The darkness came the Tuesday before last and things long buried and misunderstood came crashing out. It felt like the sky fell in.

A man at some point in the past settled in a French village. He was clever with words, was charismatic and had a penchant for bow ties. He used a local name. And back in the summer he disappeared. 

If a stranger comes into my community for no apparent reason my question is what is he running from. 

I know what that man was running from. And I know his real name.

My working life and my mental health life have exposed me to unimaginable darkness and danger at times. But I have very rarely met evil.

Stunned into silence by the news that the missing man had killed himself. My thoughts exploded and I didn't know what to do. Was he evil? I think he may well have been. One friend who is a priest had no qualms in stating he was glad of the death of another child abuser. 

I don't know what to think. But what I do know is that I must go on as me and not be tainted by badness and the manipulation of one so absorbed by his own need.

I Heard a Voice  

Another Week Done.

The chill of autumn has arrived. The sun is shining and the air still. I like this time of year. 

In my small world a very long working week is done. Tiring but it went well. 

Tuesday marked World Mental Health Day which is very important to me. The team did their bit and I spoke out. It also marked the 10th anniversary of the publication of Charon's Ferry my second book. 

My cold has finally lifted and I feel better. The weekend will be marked by good food. Last night there were Moroccan sardine balls with garlic, cumin and tomato sauce. Pan fried duck breast with a blackberry and cassis sauce is on offer tonight. And roast partridge tomorrow. 

Bought a good bottle of Toscana to go with it all.

Have a great weekend if you can in this troubled world. 

I Heard a Voice.

Late Summer, Early Autumn.

What a beautiful few days it has been. The warmth of summer in October autumn. You find me as I'm wont to be on a Sunday morning listening to opera and reading. 

Despite the lovely weather I have been under the weather since Friday. A seasonal cold that is doing the rounds. But I will be fine. 

Last week started off poorly. Sometimes I have to go to difficult meetings. But it got better. In the main part stemming from a call on Monday evening from my lovely friend Charlotte who has more or less been missing in action for nearly a year. Always lights up my day when we speak.

It was her birthday yesterday, would have been lovely to speak but it wasn't to be.

I make little comment on the current geopolitical situation our unstable world other than to mourn the losses all round. War is a terrible thing. 

Such events are beyond my control. In my little world I'm enjoying the solitude, looking forward to roast lamb for lunch and a glass of Rioja. 

Tonight I get to watch the Rams. 

Have a good week all.

I Heard a Voice. 

That Autumn.

As the heat of summer dissipates, the days get shorter and a chill is in the air I always cast my mind back to the early autumn of 1988.

A lonely, clever but angry young man was in East Kent was preparing to go to Cambridge. I was kind of confident but fear also stalked me. Is it really 35 years since I was prepared for Selwyn?

Looking back now my life was already wracked with anxiety. That sense of struggling to fit in. That expectation that everyone piled on me. That weight I put on myself. That burden of others glorying in my achievements. 

Oddly enough I have fond memories of that autumn. The truth when I got to Cambridge in October was that I spent a year desperately lonely, too frightened to make new friends, too uncomfortable at all the parties I was invited to because I played rugby. And too overwhelmed. 

I got through though before another very lonely summer in 1989.

None of us can rewind the clock. 33 years of mental illness have punctuated my life. Cambridge came and went. I had a breakdown. I was locked up and eventually told I was untreatable. 

Who would have known that was my fate? Other than as it transpired my cousin Cedric who years later told me he always knew I'd have a break. 

On this quiet Saturday afternoon in my small part of Hertfordshire people view me as a wise man. Am I wise? Towards others maybe but towards me no. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Sultry Saturday, Grey Sunday.

The shift from summer to autumn has come today. After some time of warm humid conditions a change is in the air. 

You find me at home listening to Mozart's La Clemenza Di Tito and just taking things easy. 

After my last post a couple of weeks ago mentally I've improved. Not flying but in a good place. 

A lot of that has to do with Charlotte coming back into my life after months of deafening silence. 

I've had enough people walk away from my life with no warning so it was hard having months of absence. 

Whilst others hold me in high regard I do not. Always overthinking and second guessing myself I usually end up thinking I've done something terrible to others when actually it is usually issues they have and not me.

Having her back lights up my day even though life remains fraught with vulnerability for both of us. 

I have decided to make a change over recent Sunday habits and eat this evening. This allows me a chance to have a pint in The White Horse at Welwyn. Been a while. 

There will be roast duck leg with roast potatoes and vegetables tonight. Nice glass of Chianti with that.

Have a lovely Sunday everyone. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Sinking Fast.

Sunday morning with the sun shining. Madame Butterfly plays, some belly pork is in the oven and I'm trying to make sense of yesterday. 

After several weeks of mental stability my mood fell through the floor. I've always said that we never remember how low we can get when doing well. But then it comes and the world sinks and descends into darkness. 

It didn't hope that I was isolated most of the day and when I did go out the level of aggression and cocaine and testosterone mixed with alcohol by some of the people there threw me.

A day on I'm feeling better. A passing reminder that for all the alleged inspiration of my journey sometimes the darkness bites back. 

Not seen anyone today yet but I will later. I must admit I'm looking forward to my lunch. 

The holiday is drawing to an end. Sixteen years ago today I started at the university. What a long time ago that was.

With that I take my leave of you all. Promise me you will all look after your mental health; it's very precious and can be fragile. 

I Heard a Voice. 

A Year Older.

Greetings on a grey autumnal day. Summer is over and there is chill in the air.

There are but a few days left of my summer holiday. I've been to Kent, I've been to London and I have generally indulged.

On Wednesday I turned 54. Miriam took me out to lunch at The Waggoners. Beautiful food, beautiful day.

It has been good to be off. Not much planned today except get a phone upgrade. That fills me with anxiety. I have no idea how to get on the WiFi at home. Neither do I know passwords to get on things. Do they still offer to transfer apps, messages and pictures? Too many questions and too much fear.

Over the weekend I will cook and I will sort. Beef short rib tomorrow and roast belly pork on Sunday. 

My final day off is Monday. It has gone so quickly. The autumn and winter will be hard, I will only have 4 days leave to us excluding Christmas which I've already booked. 

Have a great weekend everyone. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Pickled Fig and Caramelised Goat's Cheese.

The sun show on us as we strolled along the beach this morning. I've escaped for my annual summer holiday to Kent. Dad and I took refreshments at The Waterfront. An E Type Jaguar was parked outside. I know little of cars but I knew that was special. 

Dad is now playing bowls and I have been a man of leisure. Stunning lunch of caramelised goat's cheese with pickled figs and prosciutto with some local English fizz at The Truffle Pig then shopping for the planned roast beef tonight. 

Two years ago today my life changed. A 25 minute interview, a 10 minute break then the call that allowed me to finally escape the university. 

Who could have known the tormented and tumultuous journey that ensued but I don't regret any of it.

Today I'm still standing, still thinking, still making a difference and still just being me.

My journey back from the seaside is sadly tomorrow but I don't have to work until 5th September. 

Enjoy your summer!

I Heard a Voice. 

A Sigh of Relief.

Haydn plays as this Sunday morning slips into Sunday afternoon. You find me home alone. The flat feels tranquil after the high tension of last week. 

Last time I was on here my life was lonely and frightening. Sudden urgent health referrals will unsettle anyone. And I was unsettled. 

On Friday I went into hospital for a procedure that we hoped would bring clarity. The NHS staff were amazing. By 12.50 pm I was home relieved and exhausted. Whilst we still don't know what is wrong with me we do know what it isn't. There is no sign of the feared tumour. 

Uncomfortable though the rest of Friday was, they warned me about abdominal pain, the relief was huge. Mentally the dark clouds that had enveloped me lifted.

So the weekend commenced. My friend Emma and her family have been visiting. Friday we dined on Malaysian food. Yesterday we went to St Albans, lovely Greek lunch, a wander in the market, going around the Abbey and then a couple of beers. 

They are picking me up from home to lunch at The Waggoners before they return to Kent. Roast beef it is.

I only have a week of work until my summer holiday. Well needed. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Alone and Bewildered.

The rains have been coming down most the day. It's cold and miserable. What happened to August?

A couple of weeks short of my 54th birthday my life is once again at a crossroads. I do not know which way to turn. The road is shrouded in fog. The destination unknown. 

My life has stabilised somewhat in recent months. Now turbulence is once again upon me.

A couple of weeks ago I woke up with what felt like a constricted throat. I was not in pain. More that I had something stuck in my throat. 

Last Wednesday the symptoms increased and I stayed home. For two days I tried in vain to get a GP appointment. 

Yesterday I saw a GP. Lovely young woman who had just started her rotation at my surgery the day before. 

Within hours and urgent referral to ENT had been made, bloods and chest x ray organised. 

My mind was on fire yesterday. None of my friends were around as they are off camping. I was left alone with my thoughts. 

I feel lonely and bewildered. My mind is not torrential as it was. But I'm hanging in there.

The coming couple of weeks may see the mist parting. I may be fine. I may not be fine. What I do know is that 33 years of mental illness has shown me resilience, strength and a remarkable ability to survive. 

Whatever happens I will take it a day at a time and I will fight.

I Heard a Voice. 

I Thee Wed.

Greetings from the seaside. The air is salty, the gulls are screeching and the sun is trying hard to come out.

I'm in Kent to witness by friend Beth getting married. I've known her since she was 15 and at times we've been really close.

Her journey has not been without pitfalls but after many false dawns, impediment that is part of being human she will be married today. 

I'm actually quite anxious about going. I struggle with social situations, I don't do small talk and find it really hard meeting new people. 

But today is not about me, it's about Beth and Paul. The day I met him was one of the scariest days of my life. Dad nearly died that day. 6 years on though we are all good. 

Sunday lunch with dad tomorrow and then go home. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Praying for Rain.

Not often one sees the Australian Test Cricket Team praying for rain to save the day. But are on the run in the 4th Ashes Test of an epic series. England smashed them all over place yesterday. Today their prayers are answered and no play so far.

You find me on a wet July Saturday indoors with just the radio for company. 

The school year finished yesterday and after the tumultuous last couple of years I'm finally in control. It is incredibly busy but I got a lot done and everyone sees I'm doing well. Even those who have been so negative are praising me.

Sadly I don't get the long school holidays so I'm back in the office on Monday. We have decided to have a team lunch on Tuesday so we're off to The Turkish Kitchen after our meeting. Halal caters for the needs of an inclusive lunch. I for one am really looking forward to it.

So back to today and this weekend I lunched on clams with garlic, white wine and parsley. A Navarin of lamb is on the menu tonight. Roast beef tomorrow. 

Have a great weekend all.

I Heard a Voice  

A Grey July.

During what should be the height of summer with Wimbledon coming to an end it is unseasonably cold. Wet and windy at times too.

My friend Marie has been staying this weekend but the cold and rain have somewhat curtailed our adventures. 

Not the food though. Lunch at The Waggoners, a Khmer pork and pineapple curry were sustaining us yesterday and I'm just about to cook roast rack of lamb. 

Mozart plays and I've been reading. Going to Cambridge last weekend allowed me precious reading time on the train. 

It's been a busy summer of friends and travelling. Kent two weeks ago, Cambridge last week, Marie this week, Beth's wedding in two weeks. Emma will visit in mid August and I travel to the town of my birth to see Annabelle at the end of August. 

With that I'll leave you. Have fun.

I Heard a Voice. 

No Sun at the Seaside.

I've escaped to the seaside! The trains were awful and weather terrible but I made it. Bitterly cold wind, leaden skies and some rain have not put me off though, great to be away.

I lunched on tapas in The Old High Street in Folkestone with Beka and Marie. Marinated anchovies, Padron peppers, meatballs in tomato sauce, garlic prawns, squid and the special of pan fried asparagus wrapped in serrano jamon. Sublime with a couple of beers. 

The sun did actually come out for a while. 

After I bought local honey and organic Dijon mustard. Saw some interesting prints in the Artists' Quarter. Need to buy some pictures for the flat.

Tomorrow I'm cooking rare roast rib of beef with Yorkshire puddings, roast potatoes, carrots, savoy cabbage and tenderstem broccoli which I will serve with freshly grated horseradish cream, gravy and fine red wine. I'm hosting dad, Beka, Laura and Emma. 

Here until Monday. In a good place mentally, hurrah!

I Heard a Voice. 

The Weekend of Sun and Fun.

Greetings on a beautiful sunny Sunday morning. It is glorious here. You find me in a good space mentally. 

I'm listening to Turandot and have a table booked at The Waggoners for 1 pm.

Yesterday I caught the bus to St Albans, lovely lunch at Bar Meze followed but a couple of pints with a friend and her son. Also bought a linen jacket. 

So all seems well. 

There has been a huge spike in hits on the blog. All from Singapore which makes me suspicious it is just a bot rather than actual people. But who knows?

July will be a month for travelling. Kent next weekend, Cambridge the weekend after and then off to Kent again for Beth's wedding at the end of the month. 

Not sure what culinary adventures I have in the coming weeks. Something lovely I hope. Enjoy Sunday everyone. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Summer has Finally Arrived.

After months of cold, wet and grey skies summer is finally here! At last! My uncertain mental state has not been helped by the cold.

You find me on a quiet Sunday morning listening to Handel's Julius Caesar and drinking iced water. Last week I had an awful cold but feeling much better now.

Despite feeling terrible I triumphed at work, lit up a huge room of some 80 teachers in a really high performing school with my workshop on self harm. I helped some young people. And got involved in getting experts by experience into roles in the Trust. 

As for my last post I did not walk away. I got pragmatic by adopting the difficult stance of just accepting the contact I have as a bonus and just work through the silence in between. 

Last weekend I had a visitor and we had a lovely time. Even walked through the woods to The Waggoners. The roast beef was sublime. 

Got a few plans in place for the next 6 weeks or so. Hope to see dad in Kent at the end of the month. My long awaited return to Cambridge is coming up in early July. Going to stay with Jayne and attend a reunion at King's. Then at the end of July I'm going to Beth's wedding in Kent. Must get my linen suit cleaned for that.

With I'll leave you from a position of relatively good mental health and the thought that I will cook roast turkey later.

I Heard a Voice. 

Walking Away.

On a sunny but cold and windy Bank Holiday Monday I'm not really in a very good place. Not much has gone right this weekend. I slept poorly until today, I had to abandon my plan to go to London because the train was packed and no one could get on. A friend cancelled yesterday. And all my friends were so drunk and absorbed in their own stuff that they ignored me. 

In many ways I like living on my own. But today I feel very alone and isolated. Funny how everyone reaches out to me when they are struggling but hardly anyone picks up when I'm struggling. 

Sometimes I think I should walk away from people who don't reciprocate. But I've never been able to say no.

Please people who are important pick up once in a while rather than just reaching out because you want something. 

That said I'm listening to Mozart's Great Mass, I have a glass of wine and I hope to cook a lovely dinner in a bit.

Just got to get through minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day.

Let's hope tomorrow's plans don't fall through as well. 

I Heard a Voice. 

A Weekend Interrupted.

The sun is shining on this Sunday morning. The air is mild and Mozart opera aside there is silence. 

I've had a long weekend with a friend visiting. Sadly it was interrupted by her being unwell. What appeared to be a hangover has now morphed in what seems like a sickness bug. She stayed in bed for 15 hours and looked pale and tired when she emerged 20 minutes ago. 

She's now headed home. Shame as we were both looking forward to sharing roast pheasant for Sunday lunch. 

Back to solitude I'll left wondering why I haven't been sleeping well. The bad dreams that plagued my life before I gave up smoking 9 years ago today. 

Life marches on though. Suspect I will need to stay away from the office having been exposed to a sickness bug. It is mainly going better but still have moments of extreme anxiety. 

For all the challenges of the last few months I have not had to increase my medication. Just try to ride the wave and let it pass. 

Enjoy your Sunday everyone. 

I Heard a Voice. 

I Was Glad!

I was glad! Glad when they said unto me. The opening of Parry's glorious Coronation Anthem exploded round the vault of Westminster Abbey as King Charles III entered the building. And I got to hear the Vivat section reserved only for the Coronation. Actually I have sung it and sung in the Abbey. 

What fabulous music punctuating an extremely long service. Zadok the Priest is glorious but tinged with memories of psychosis in another grand cathedral in 1996. Yes mental illness at its worst.

The event has divided people in these troubled time but it is and was part our history. 

Pouring rain did not drive away the crowds just as it didn't in 1953 when Queen Elizabeth II was crowned. My mum was in that crowd. 

Now it's over I'm struggling to know what to do with myself. I did do some food shopping but little else today.

As the rain continues to hammer down I think I will just stay home for the time being. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Coffee and Carmen.

After weeks of grey, dark and wet light and sun have returned to my world. Always good to see the sun.

When I was last on here I was low and lonely. Today I'm tired but good. Mood behaving and little sign of the anxiety that haunts so much of my life.

On this Sunday morning I'm listening to Carmen with a cup of coffee. My usual Sunday that I've followed for years. The difference is I no longer buy a Sunday Times. No particular reason. 

We have mental health awareness week coming up and we are in demand with our schools. I'm actually doing so much better in my work now I'm able to do what I'm good at. People. I will never understand IT but I will always understand people. 

It's a long weekend here, May Day holiday tomorrow. And next week too to celebrate the King's Coronation. My mum was actually in the crowd when the Queen was crowned in 1953.

In my small world though things are less grand and regal. I will listen to my opera and then cooking slow roast shoulder of lamb. My neighbour Zoe is coming for dinner. 

I Heard a Voice. 

On Loneliness.

Ever get those days when it feels the world isn't listening, isn't thinking and isn't caring? I've lived alone for the best part of 20 years. Mainly it's good once one gets used to one's own company. I don't have to worry about other, I can come and go as I please, eat what like and generally not worrying. But today my world feels a lonely place.

I've been off all week but few have been in touch, few have answered my calls or post and I'm left wondering who is out there?

I have many friends but they are busy. Wrapped up in their ongoing lives. People don't contact me unless I precipitate it. It takes 48 hours of silence before people notice I'm struggling. I wonder if anyone will reach out today. 

Low mood and the associated apathy are horrible. Okay I have made a career out of it but on this lonely and grey day I don't care about career, platitudes and smiling. I just want my mood to lift.

I will of course emerge sooner or later but living in the here and now of today feels lonely and bleak.

Not sure what or where I'm going with this. Just a shout out to a silent world I suppose. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Music and Reading.

Greetings! The sun has finally arrived after a grey wet day. I'm at home having a glass of wine, listening to Radio 3 and reading.

Yes I have made it to mu Easter holidays. No work until the 17th.

Hard to describe the last two weeks. I experienced five days of mania followed by a 24 hour mental crash on Sunday. Iy all felt like I needed to hit the Risperidone brakes, didn't but then felt like I had. The devastating emptiness was horrendous. 

I did make it out of bed, I did force myself to work and I got a lot done.

Yesterday brought an all day course on Body Image in girls and young women. All very interesting but very vulnerable as the only man undertaking the course with fifteen woman. Not easy.

Today I got up late, did my Easter food shopping, took some jumpers for cleaning then had lunch at The Waggoners. Stunning meal of salt cured mackerel followed by grilled chicken. Best meal I've eaten there in a long time. 

Tomorrow I'm cooking for my friend Jo. Saturday I'm off to Borough Market. Then on Sunday I will host a big Easter lunch, English fizz, crab and apple salad followed by roast leg of lamb seasoned with salt, garlic and rosemary and served with home made mint sauce. 

Maybe post again but until then after a tumultuous year I'm in a good place. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Sunshine and Showers.

A couple of weeks have gone by since my last post. I was in a dark place then. It would seem that the virus doing the rounds then had an unusual symptom that made people really depressed. A couple of friends reported the same thing. Whatever it was it was not nice. 

I'm feeling much better now. Last weekend I spent in Kent with my dad. Owing to train strikes I had to overcome my fear and drive. Actually both journeys went well. 

Last week I was on an online course. It was good and exhausting, validating and painful but I think worth it.

Now on a Saturday afternoon where the sun shines then it tips it down with rain. Spring in England. 

I'm cooking a Sumatran goat curry and listening to the radio. No big plans this weekend except the usual cooking. 

Bellini's opera Norma is on the radio this evening so thought I might have a listen. 

Today I am content in my little world. In a couple of weeks it will be Easter and I will take some time out. I realised in the week that I have had no stress free break since being between jobs in November 2021.

Yesterday marked an unpleasant anniversary and the reminder that I've been buffeted in a storm of other people's making for a year. Please let the coming weeks be calmer.

I Heard a Voice. 

Glimpsing the Devil.

For nine days I have battled what feels like covid but isn't. The fever, the headaches, the freezing cold and burning up, the cold symptoms and the throat that feels like it has been sand blasted. Yet worse than all of that the devastating depression. 

Tuesday and Saturday I was once again at the gates of hell which had unleashed its devilish demons. Utterly overwhelmed the old friend of all those years ago came to visit. All day yesterday I fought against it and somehow came through. 

I'm safe and today the gates are shut, the devil is nowhere to be seen and my false and deceiving friend called suicide has gone. 

So my war with mental illness goes on. 33 years in June it will have dogged me. But in all those years I have prevailed.

After a week away the thought of returning to work is daunting. All the old problems still there and many more emails. 

I need a break where I'm not hounded, surprised and harried by the unexpected. In truth I've not had a proper switch off and stress free break since that short time I had off when changing jobs.

Feeling better today I turn once again to the culinary arts. A courgette and nectarine salad with mojame, walnuts and a date molasses dressing for lunch and roast beef for dinner. Before that though I listen to Puccini and remember that after darkness there always comes light.

I Heard a Voice. 

Cold, Snowing and Defeated.

The snow has been coming down all day. I'm really cold. And still full of cold. Five days after waking exhausted and unwell not much has changed. The fever of Sunday night and Monday morning has gone. But I'm still gripped by fatigue, my throat is sore and up until today a strong headache. 

That was not the worst of it though. Yesterday my mood plummeted and the anxiety came in waves.

Funny how few have reached out to me. My friend Gary did on Sunday morning. I spoke to my friend Ella on Monday and Tuesday but that was when she was struggling. 

There was a message of note from my friend Katie. In the course of voice notes over the weekend she responded by noting the clear physical and mental decline in recent days.

I'm still at home although did get out for a couple of hours yesterday. Part of me thinks I should abandon the week and just sleep. But with that comes the guilt. 

It occurred to me yesterday that weeks of cold air and grey skies have taken a toll too. Please I want some sun and warmth. 

I will pull through though. Peter my former therapist has kindly offered a video call at 3 pm. He's a wise man and usually helps when we speak. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Summoning the Dead.

Twice in my life I have been felled by flu, once by covid. The last brought of flu which started when I was at a funeral on New Year's Eve 1998.  I hallucinated night and day for a week and lost 3/4 stone in weight and one of my mum's friends told me afterwards she thought I was going to die.

The first couple of days of covid were similar but it eased once the fever broke although it took 11 days to clear the virus. That was a year ago. 

On Saturday I was felled by what seems to be the latest virus going round  I cancelled my plans. Getting progressively worse I stayed home in the evening and went to bed.

What a terrible night, wave after wave of terrifying dreams, fever, sweating and freezing. After 11 hours I staggered out of bed.

That I seemed to summon the dead in those dreams was most unnerving. Mum featured. Many of the casualties of mental health journey appeared. And final one a car crash with my friend Ross driving and another car going on the wrong side of the road. 

I cancelled today, I'm shattered and took paracetamol.  Need another dose shortly. There seems not much optimistic about today. 

I did need to get on my laptop to check my diary for the rest of the week and to change 2 passwords to read a document. Needless to say neither worked and I'm stuck. Why is the online world so filled with such barriers? It has left me not only feeling rough but now anxious as well. 

Maybe tomorrow will be better? Going nowhere the rest of today. The only good thing is my covid test was negative. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Running Away.

It's a cold and grey Saturday afternoon. The day has not gone to plan. Originally I was going to take advantage of the trains actually running and go to China Town to meet Krishna. But waking late very tired and full of cold I couldn't face it.

Why do I run away from everything in my life? It all feels too frightening at the moment. I had been making strides with my CBT and was even brave enough to watch a band without feeling overwhelmed. They were brilliant and for the first time in my life I heard and enjoyed rap. Always hates it.

Today though I hit a wall. The stress of work continues to dog me at times but not today. 

That said I continue to do things piece by piece. I made it through the working week. I did food shopping, I made lunch and washed up. The washing is on. And the culinary adventures will resume. 

People often ask me when they learn of my passion for cooking what my signature dish is. If anything it is slow roast belly pork with fennel seeds and garlic. And that is on the menu tonight. 

Served with good bread, a fennel salad and a wine sauce. From Sam and Sam Clark's Moro Cookbook it is simply sublime. 

Tomorrow I have booked a table at The Waggoners for roast beef.

I Heard a Voice. 

An Ill Wind Blows.

Bitter, freezing winds have swept over the country in the last few days. Winter is hanging on.

Feels a little bit like my life at the moment. Having been battered by ill winds for the best part of q year I'm wondering when things will brighten up. Where will the next knife come from?

I feel very isolated. Isolated even in a crowd. There was a crowd this afternoon as I sat in a freezing cold garden waiting for someone to turn up for a surprise birthday party. My days of parties feel long ago. In my loneliness this afternoon I remembered all the parties I've been to and realise they all made me anxious.

That awful thing that bedevils me so much. Friends try to help, to support and to praise but it all feels so empty. 

I do still have my kitchen though. Tonight there will be Dover sole. A chilled bottle of Picpoul de Pinet, some new potatoes and some green beans I think. 

What will tomorrow bring? Hopefully the latest knife wound will start to heal. I need that.

I Heard a Voice. 

Through the Brooding Fens.

In a beautiful but desolate fenland landscape we walked in the morning through the black earthed fields past skeletal trees. Bleak but stunning. 

The sky is grey but it is mild. I'm on my annual trip here to watch the Super Bowl. 

So good to get away. Work anxiety followed me when I woke but I'm feeling good. 

Lunch at The Prince Albert in Ely, lovely Black Sheep ale, dates wrapped in bacon then grilled and served in a mustard sauce, roast beef and a glass of Malbec. 

My return home commences late tomorrow morning. It's half term but we are still going to the office. Seems odd but that is the expectation. 

Time is passing quickly. How events unfold I don't know but I do know I'm working very hard, I've learned from the many mistakes I made a year ago and hopefully the outcome will be good. 

See you soon.

I Heard a Voice  

Tudor Music on a Sunday.

The sun is out. The air is cold but the days are getting longer. Is winter on the retreat?

You find me in my little part of Hertfordshire tired but good. The working week was exhausting, some triumph and some not so triumphant. In the end though at least I did some good. 

Not been out yet or seen anyone. Starting the morning with a change of music. First to Beethoven's String Trios and now to a trio of wonderful Tudor masses. A time of fear, paranoia, disease and turbulence but what music?

Singing it all as a child we didn't understand it nor appreciate the brilliance of it. Another day so it's Byrd. Or Weelkes, or Tallis, or Gibbons. A rich period in history. 

The culinary adventures today included a mojame and nectarine salad with pine nuts and a date molasses dressing. Tonight there will be roast pork. 

This coming week will be busy and challenging. But next weekend is a long one with my annual visit to Miriam and Nigel for the Super Bowl. 

That's enough for now, enjoy your Sunday and have a good week. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Smashing It.

Greetings on this grey Sunday. There has been a recent spike in viewing figures on my little blog. That's good. 

You find me listening to Don Giovanni and generally doing better. 

On Friday I had to once again get my brain in the right place and cast aside my fear. I say that because it was the first time I've ever delivered a webinar and also to see my first young person one to one since I left the University. 

Smashed it apparently! Yes I can still do it! Little by little I very much hope my confidence comes back. Having my three trainees logged in as well as some colleagues it was pretty daunting. But the words fab, amazing and precious indicate how well it went. 

For once I will let someone else into my treasured kitchen to cook for me. My friend Dale is cooking beef Wellington. Never tried it before. 

Enjoy your Sunday. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Frosty Outlook.

A heavy frost has turned the land white. The bitter cold has been here for a week. I'm in the warm of home listening to Mozart and drinking coffee. 

I can't remember where I was at when I last posted but today I am in a fairly good position. Work has been very busy but going much better. Next Friday I get back to what I'm good at, people. 

The Lunar New Year is upon us. I won't be doing my traditional trip to see Yan at The Fu Hao but I will wish her and Lin a Happy New Year. 

Instead I will cook roast beef for dinner. My culinary adventures have been fun. Last night I cooked wild boar ragu for Sarah. First time I have cooked for friends in months. 

All part of my CBT programme to get my anxiety back under control. Much to my surprise it has been helpful. 

Enjoy your Sunday. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Prevailing in the Face of Fear.

A cold Sunday afternoon in my little part of Hertfordshire. I'm listening to Turandot and reviewing recent events. 

Life has not been easy for me recently. The dark despair of Boxing Day is gone but my battle with my own fear continues. 

My return to work has gone better than I expected and although hard I think I'm holding my own. 

By way of triumph over adversity I overcame my fear and visited Borough Market yesterday. It was packed but I did it. Lovely lunch at Brindisa then some lovely ingredients for culinary adventures. 

So there will be roast wild mallard for dinner tonight. 

I must continue to celebrate my victories over my demons. They have certainly been out to play the last months but sometimes I overcome.

I Heard a Voice. 

Emerging at Dawn.

The last time I posted I was in a very dark place. Getting through Boxing Day was horrendous as I was totally overwhelmed. 

Almost two weeks later I'm much more stable. My return to work went well despite my fears. Effectively I have a new team. I will try to work having learnt the lessons of the many mistakes I made last year. 

That can wait though. It is Sunday and after pouring rain this morning the sun is trying to emerge and I can glimpse blue skies.

I'm listening to Madame Butterfly and just being me in the warmth of the flat that I now own. 

Roast chicken is on the menu tonight and I'll have bacon and lamb's kidney for lunch. A long time since I ate kidney. A love it or hate it ingredient. I love it.

The final weekend of the NFL regular season is upon us. A disastrous year for my Rams but sometimes injury destroys even good teams. 

Enjoy your Sunday. 

I Heard a Voice.