It's wet and horrid outside, so dull, where has the sun gone? Today my mood seems to be mirroring the weather. I feel nothing, neither happy nor sad, just nothing.
If one lives with a mood disorder it is hard to work out what is the optimal target for mood. Anyone who experiences elevated mood always wants to be a bit high. We as professionals want things to be neutral. But my experience of neutral means feeling nothing. Not sure I like that.
Since I had a major relapse in the summer of 2006 I have kept a mood diary. Sometimes I forget to do it for a week or two so I have to try and remember. My scale goes from +3 to -5. This reflects the mini highs I get and the devastating lows that threaten to destroy my life. Where I like to be is +2 and I have been there or there abouts for the last few weeks. Today I feel at 0, not good, not bad, just nothing.
Perhaps that comes of being on anti depressants for the last 20 years. As a friend of mine who takes them sporadically said recently "I would rather feel something rather than nothing". I guess I echo that sentiment.
Hope the mood elevates soon. Perhaps the loin of pork on the bone I will be cooking later will help.
More soon.
I Heard a Voice.
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