Home and Safe.

A few days have gone by since my last post. Boxing Day was so low and overwhelming I was in the blackest of places. 

I'm home now in the warm with Radio 3 and trying to make sense of things. I'm safe and getting by an hour at a time. 

People have been so kind reaching out to me but I cannot apply my own advice. I've made a lot mistakes and poor decisions in my life it's a wonder people take my advice. But they do.

Living up to that can be hard. Sometimes people expect too much of me. But I always try to give and to support people in need. Is that out of guilt and shame? Therapy a lot of that in it. But it helped. 

This afternoon I will cook roast pork. Mood wise I remain low but the anxiety isn't as bad. Hoping rekindled love for cooking will help. I've not invited anyone round for months. Maybe that can be my CBT experiment. I don't have another session until the 10th. Let's hope I'm on a more even keel then.

I Heard a Voice. 

And Come With Fear and Trembling.

A day on from a glorious Christmas Day with my family the curse of anxiety has bitten back. The title line of this is from a magnificent piece of music Bairstow's spine tingling "Let All Mortal Flesh Silent" . I suspect but I don't know that it is about Judgement Day.

Today I'm stalked by fear. The trembling has gone but I do not feel good. 

Waking early and having wave upon wave of anxiety is destroying me. People say kind things about me but I cannot hear them. I know how to treat others when they face but I can't face it myself. 

I am not going to hide under the duvet though. I'm not going to switch off the phone. And I'm not going to run. All three sound options but they are not. As the legendary Bob Marley once said "you can't run away from yourself ".

Instead I will meet my friend for a walk. I have managed to cook today, to wash, put my lenses in, brush my teeth and walk to the beach. Small things maybe but huge mountains today. 

Tomorrow will be better. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Chianti, Ragu and Christmas.

Greetings from a grey and dull Kent. The sea was full of foreboding, the gulls few and far between and Christmas is almost upon us.

After a tumultuous year of highs and lows I drove safely down to dad's yesterday afternoon. Work continued to the very last minute and remains a challenge. 

Yet so much has gone well. I'm away from the past, I own my flat, I still have my amazing friends and my break is upon me. Still finding it hard to switch off. 

Down at dad's I'm reheating ragu, Miriam has brought fresh gluten free tagliatelle. We both forgot the parmesan but managed to get some before Waitrose shut.

As it cooks I'm drinking a seriously good Chianti. Beka will join us soon.

The feast tomorrow will be an epic affair. Thanks for reading this last year. Merry Christmas to you all.

A Snow Capped Land.

The snow that fell heavily on Sunday night continues to blanket the land. The air is freezing, the roads treacherous and the pavements icy. And on Monday my boiler failed.

Five days of no heat and hot water has been tough going. Washing with a kettle and basin is not ideal. I managed to grab a shower at my friend Zoe's one day but she is tied up this weekend. Back to the kettle. 

Mentally I'm holding up quite well. My mood has been stable and my anxiety reduced from two weeks ago.

My thoughts go out to those in war zones through the northern hemisphere where winter is so bitter. My thoughts also go out to those in this wealthy country who cannot afford to heat their homes.

Tomorrow we will buy the boiler and parts ready for installation on Wednesday. Just have to grit it out until then. 

On a more optimistic note I have four more days of work until the Christmas break. Given all I have been through personally and our team collectively professionally we all need a break. 

This time next week I will be in Kent with dad. I will walk along the beach, eat, drink and see friends. 

Let's hope the snow melts soon. I need to warm up!

I Heard a Voice  

Puccini on a Freezing Night.

Brace yourselves for the cold in the UK! It's bitter out there. Plummeting temperatures across the country, frost and ice.

I'm at home in the warm listening to Puccini's Il Trittio as is my won't on a Wednesday. 

Thoughts that my life might stabilise after buying my flat have proved a slightly false dawn. Work remains busy and hard at times. Anxiety has been on a rollercoaster ride the last couple of weeks. 

Each day brings a different challenge that makes me doubt my knowledge, my experience and my life. Yet I bounced back and face each day however battered I am.

I spoke recently of a desire to return to mania. That would be great but not for those around me.

The weekend did bring a calming influence with my lovely friend Jayne visiting on Saturday. We have seen so much, and shared so much, and separated and come back together since we met in 1994.

Over an epic 4 hour lunch we reminisced, wondered what was, what might have been a contemplated what might be to come. We both made it out of the pit of hell.

We're hoping to meet every couple of months to indulge, imbibe and support each other. I'm lucky I have such amazing friends. 

I Heard a Voice.