Warm Fire on a Wet Day.

Despite a night of un-nerving and disturbed dreams I'm feeling a lot better. I have spoken before about the mirror test when one lives and works in the world of mental health and one is confronted by the one's own story back from a student. Rarely happens to me but it did this week. And it was not a memory I wanted to be brought up from my past foolishness and greed. That figured in my dreams. I woke fairly early for a Sunday and was surprisingly okay.

Don Giovanni was today's chosen opera. A marvellous salad of courgette, orange and feta with dill and a date molasses dressing set me up on a miserable day. Having switched to Haydn masses I put the shoulder of lamb in to roast then headed out for a drive and pint. The rain had just started when I left the flat so it was splendid to enter The Waggoners where the fire was warm, the beer good and the company from my teacher friend Sarah and her family out with the dog welcome. I do feel sad though as I passed what looked like a fatal accident on the other carriageway outside of Sherrardswood School. I do hope I'm wrong.

Back at home in my cosy flat the aroma of lamb, garlic and rosemary is pervading the room, I'm listening to Beethoven and thinking about a glass of wine. Tomorrow can wait. Tonight I relax and indulge in some culture.

It feels good to be more myself. Worrying though that stress and pressure can drive me to making foolish assumptions and mis-communicating. Clearly I have a long way to go in righting what is wrong. See you in the week.

I Heard a Voice.

Deceived by Fear

Well that week is over. Almost every evening I came home annoyed, anxious, on edge and racing away with my thoughts. Worrying about work at 1 am when I go to bed is not conducive to feeling well and in control.

As I have got older my mood has mainly been better but the fear keeps creeping closer to me. Fear of work, fear of the bank, fear of fire, fear of the estate agent, and fear of pretty much everything I cannot control. Making good decisions and communicating well is never good when that happens. The interpretation and reflection on the world around me is impaired. The tendency to panic keeps coming. Why I do not know.

We work on resilience in therapy. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. That terrible sense of powerlessness and weakness has been with me much of my life. A day on from the terror of running out of money I feel foolish, deceived and ashamed. So many people have told me for so much of my life how clever I am. Well all I feel today is stupidity. How can I not see what the world is really showing rather than what my terrified mind tells me? On days like today I feel I have utterly failed.

Complicating matter is guilt. I'm good at what I do even if it never seems enough. The many calls and messages from outside work for my assistance keep coming. But sometimes I am not able to respond and can let people down. Now with one friend recovering from an overdose so large I cannot see how he survived, and another friend on section 2 that feeling of letting them down weighs heavily on me. What if I had answered Julia's calls? What if I had taken the effort to keep tabs on George? What if, what if?

Ros always tells me to be kind to myself. I say the same thing to all my students. Today though I cannot be kind to myself.

My hope is I can redeem that sense this weekend, tonight with Sarah for the Chinese New Year and tomorrow with slow roast shoulder of local lamb and home made mint sauce. I had a culinary catastrophe on Tuesday but I fought back. Once more unto the kitchen dear friends.

So I will leave you on this grey Saturday afternoon. With luck the fear will dissipate and I can get on with my life day by day, task by task.

I Heard a Voice. 

Eight Years Gone By.

How can any of us forget this day in 2012? My mum was 80 and we all braved dad's terrifying driving to have a memorable dinner at Froggies at Timberbats. My mum still thought I was six even though I was 42. I had a colossal T bone steak and mum fretted on whether it was okay to have glass of wine on her medication.

Within a couple of months she was dead. We mourned, we were in shock, we struggled and eventually we had a hugely attended funeral. Can time go by that quickly?

Here in 2020 Froggies is long gone, dad sold the house and has a lovely retirement flat. I am 50 and still doing the same job with mixed emotion. I live next door to where I once lived. My cooking has improved. My practical skills have not. And today? On this day of memory I have not been overwhelmed. It has been at the back of my mind but in its place.

We are coming to the end of another weekend. I'm feeling pretty good despite the anniversary. Are things looking up? I don't know. Am I taking it day to day? I'm trying.

The week will unfold how it will. I will be closer to Easter, closer to another weekend and getting there.

For all you who are troubled by anniversaries my thoughts are with you. My life has been plagued by dates, memories and what if? Will 2020 bring me good things? I do hope so. Stay well out there as time marches on.

I Heard a Voice.

Two Weeks Down, a Long Way to Go.

My friend Annabelle lost her mum last year. In the week she felt the agonising heartbreak of what would have been her birthday. I well recall January 2013 when we all tried to fight our way through that. Since then it is still intense, still difficult and still mournful. Tomorrow on what would have been her 88th birthday we all go through it again.

I'm not despairing, or anxious, or frightened. I'm just aware. Two weeks on from going back to work I'm doing well. Better than I feared I might. Yes all the nastiness is still lurking quietly in the background but we are moving on day by day. The action hasn't really kicked off yet as last week was exams. I had to stay a little late yesterday but so be it. There is a long way to go before it dies down.

On this beautiful but cold Saturday I'm taking things gently. Saw Gareth today and came away with a large joint of belly pork and two sirloin steaks which were on special. Going into town afterwards I was finally able to use my gift cards that have been sat in my wallet much of the week. So I came home with a lovely rugby shirt, some fine wine and a few things for my fridge.

Having done the washing up and tidied up the afternoon has brought Radio 3 and some reading. A keema muttar will adorn my table tonight. Not sure yet whether to do a big batch or to split the mince and make kefte kebabs on Monday. Decisions decisions.

I'm away at the end of the month for my annual pilgrimage to Miriam's to watch the Super Bowl with Nigel. It looks most intriguing. At last the New England Patriots are on the wane. The Baltimore Ravens were unexpectedly slain last week. The competition looks open. Just as long at the San Francisco 49ers don't win I don't mind.

With that I will leave you to your Saturday. Have fun.

I Heard a Voice.

By the Light of the Wolf Moon

The twilight sky was lit up by a huge, brilliant and low full moon as I drove home from work yesterday. I'm told it was a wolf moon although I do not know what that means. My affinity with the full moon has been noted on here many times before. This was as special as any I have seen. The days are getting perceptibly longer although there is a long way to go.

I survived the first week back mainly okay. Was seething with rage on Wednesday having cancelled my therapy for an important meeting called by an academic. All fine except he failed to turn up. I mused for hours on the word sorry which has littered my life. That little word that exonerates everything, why do I find myself apologising when I'm not in the wrong? The angry e mail I wrote in my mind was never sent. I try to be better than that.

The true onslaught will not begin until Monday. Exam week. I do feel for our students having to go straight into exams after the holiday. No doubt we will have scores of requests for letters that are a get out of jail free card. Never feel comfortable doing that.

I took my first look at the new Student Mental Health Charter yesterday. Some good, some bad, and much impossible. The bit that made me laugh out loud was the section on preparing students for life after university. How are we helping with that when we give so many people adjustments that don't exist in real life and as no one is allowed to fail to write letters to excuse people's anxiety or whatever else they come up with?

Being put in a position where a young person's academic career falls into my hands as with the hit of the return button on an e mail I can save or destroy a person's future is un-nerving. I'm not in this business for that.

As for today I woke late, did the washing, went to the butcher, got stuck in traffic and eventually abandoned any plan to do something interesting. Instead I will stay in the warm, listen to the radio and read. A fiery Thai yellow prawn curry awaits tonight. Will make a stock with the shells and hopefully surpass my high expectations of myself.

I Heard a Voice.

A Gentle Walk, Some Domesticity and a Lack of Sleep.

The sun was low in the sky peeking out from behind the thickening cloud. After a sunny but cold morning I set out after lunch for a walk. The day had not started well as I struggled to get to sleep, woke early and could not go back into my slumbers. Work has been playing a lot on my mind the last couple of days which hasn't helped. I am thus approaching the end of my holiday.

I did manage to tidy up, clean the bathroom and do the hoovering. Needed to be done as Jess had the flu last time she was due round. At least it gave me something to do waking up obscenely early on a Saturday. I cancelled today's plan on Thursday. I had been due in Balham by 12.30 pm for a 50th birthday party but after a mixed and mainly anxious week I didn't feel up to it.

The walk I chose was the shortest of the three in my usual repertoire. Really ought to get out and do the long walk but can't muster up the motivation to do so.

Although I have been off a number of my friends have needed my help at various points over the last couple of weeks. Do I ever stop working? Sometimes it doesn't feel like it.

Back at home after a pint I'm listening to Beethoven String Quartets and wishing time would slow down. I'm dreading that Monday morning alarm. But time stops for no man, woman or beast. So onward I must go.

What awaits me I fear. What is behind me I mourn. And what is present is vaguely comforting. To China I go tonight in my kitchen. Thought perhaps Hoisin glazed chicken with some extra vegetables thrown in. I have some local beef for lunch tomorrow. Hopefully nice and rare, with crispy roast potatoes and a variety of vegetables.

If like me you are approaching the end of your holiday good luck for the coming week. It's a long way until Easter.

I Heard a Voice.

A New Day, a New Year, a New Decade.

Well I limped into 2020 with a party at The Hedgehog, far too much to drink, the glories of The Nelson Mass and a long but interrupted sleep. Not entirely sure how I feel, hungry yes, tired yes, sick yes but no headache. I'm tempted to say I'm never drinking again but I know that is a lie.

So on a dull grey afternoon I'm in my flat listening to Classic FM and contemplating going over to Sarah's. She said come over any time after 3 pm. So the hour is approaching. I did get out for a short walk earlier so I know I can summon up the energy. But can I be inspired, interesting and funny? Somehow I doubt that. But I will give it a go.

Looming thoughts of going back to work are beginning to gather like storm clouds. Have I had enough rest? It doesn't feel like it. Do I have the stamina to make it to Easter? On the evidence of today probably not. I must try though.

A new year is upon us as the 2020s beckon. Who knows where I will be at the end? Seems too far away to contemplate at this stage. I will take it day at a time and a task at a times. We're all wise to do the same.

See you all soon.

I Heard a Voice.