To Smile Again.

A couple of days on from my last post there is finally some movement in my mental health. A four day blitz of extra medication seems to have started the ball rolling. I certainly don't feel there yet but I am improving. Last night I noticed I smiled. Not just with the face but the eyes too. Those eyes that hid from the world for so long shine and dart again. For that I'm grateful.

My plan is to go back to work tomorrow. How I will fare I don't know. But any longer and it would have meant trying to get a GP appointment-almost an impossibility at the moment-and politely ask for a sick note.

The darkness of the last week has been truly intense. I always say to my students and friends we never really remember the astonishing intensity of madness when we get better. I do not wish to share all that went on. Suffice it to say I tried to run from the world but the world found me. I tried to run from me but me followed.

It is hard to believe that June is marching on. July next week. And what have I achieved? Last week it seemed like very little. But my posts on mental health do seem to inspire my friends to look at their lives and see where they are. My friend Nikki calls me a mind reader. Sarah says I can see into her soul. I just view myself as deeply flawed middle aged man who has failed at a lot but survived.

One thing that didn't disappear in my dark times was my cooking. Extremely hard though it was I cooked some nice food. Just back from shopping there is tuna on the menu tomorrow. And trout after that. Tonight will be a roast lamb chop seasoned with rosemary, thyme and garlic, roast potatoes and vegetables.

Take care out there and celebrate being half way through the week.

I Heard a Voice. 

Aimless Wandering and Fear of Fear.

 The once promising month of June has descended into grey and wet dullness. Things my end remain troubling. My mood is stubbornly low, my fear is great, the dreams are bad and motivation has deserted me.

On Saturday night I made the decision to increase my medication. That means sacrifice of a few days at work to get better. I don't feel quite as blown away as usually happens but that grey numbness persists. 

Wanting to escape for a while I went into town and wandered aimlessly through the rain drenched streets and bought nothing. 

The sense of being overwhelmed was especially strong in the M&S food hall and I was forced to withdraw. 

But does it really matter? The fact that I'm up and out on such a day is an achievement. So too was all I achieved in my flat on Saturday. And not cancelling lunch with Miriam and Nigel yesterday. 

I will get there soon. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Hidden Eyes.

 For many years I hid my eyes from the world. Whether behind shades or avoiding eye contact. I didn't look at people. I didn't want them to see my pain and sadness. 

There is a portrait of me at dad's flat painted shortly after my breakdown and my first time on a psychiatric ward. Dad says he can the sadness in my eyes.

I'm not doing well today. Nor indeed yesterday. It was the anniversary of when my world imploded at the age of 20. I cried my tears, I hid from the world, I listened to my music and I looked at my photos. 

I'm surprised I haven't bounced back. But today I feel utterly overwhelmed. I sat through a meeting at work then gave up the ghost. 

Now I sit alone in my flat blankly staring at the TV. I don't want to talk to anyone today but I will force myself out to order my medication. 

When will normality return to my life? I don't know. But I hope it comes soon, today isn't nice.

I Heard a Voice. 

Sun, Sea and Sunday Lunch.

 Hello there from the seaside! How are you all? I'm really good. Have escaped to see my dad, soak up some rays, meet friends and indulge.

So good to be back down here. Mentally relaxed, a gentle pace of life and no worrying thoughts of work.

Actually if I do think about work it too has been going well. A break was needed though. 

I return home tomorrow after entertaining Beka, Anne and dad to roast belly pork. Smells amazing! Have a great Sunday. 

I Heard a Voice.