Sunday of Opera, Reading and Roast Lamb.

It has just gone midday on a quiet Sunday. Handel's Julius Caesar is playing. A half shoulder of lamb is slow roasting in the oven. And I've read another two chapters of my book.

Not been here for a while. I have been exploring other areas of social media. My posts on TikTok about mental health, communication, barriers, challenges are attracting some interest.

In my working life things are going well. Busy last week. I'm off to the Royal College of Psychiatrists on 16th...hang out with the self appointed important people. At some point this week I'm talking to important people about getting candidates onto Clinical Psychology Doctoral programmes. Number 1 priority is being strong enough to stand up to consultant psychiatrists.

Therapy continues each Wednesday afternoon in same brutalising, intense, humbling and shocking way. I knew it would be hard though. One day at a time.

I'll heading to the coast after my trip to London. See my dad, my friends and to walk along the beach.

England play tonight in the World Cup but as kickoff is not until 1 am I won't watch as I have to work tomorrow.

Enjoy your Sunday.

I Heard a Voice.

Heat and Echoes of the Past.

I was musing with Sarah in the week on what friendship actually means. People say "you can count the number of true friends on the fingers of one hand". Just over a week ago I lost a friend of 15 years because she misinterpreted something I did. The wisdom of Sarah rightly pointed out "if she was a true friend she would have challenged you on it during a conversation not just told you to fuck off".

I struggle with self esteem and sense of self. Try as I might to use my knowledge of language to do good sometimes I get it wrong. My therapy sessions have a heavy dose of loss, endings and the actions of others.

The week that the devil addressed me directly three times has been very difficult. But hour by hour, day by day I got through. I have not opened the latest missives from her but the fact they were sent is really unsettling.

Back on a quiet but stifling hot Sunday morning I'm listening to Puccini, reading and roasting a chicken. A friend popped round to fix a small plumbing issue in my bathroom. Having spent most of yesterday seeing no one it was good to have a visitor.

Going back to friendship some years ago I was privileged to share a panel with the then CEO of MIND Paul Farmer at a mental health conference. His comment was interesting, "the problem with Facebook is it has redefined what a 'friend' is". Friendship is not a numbers game. What matters is authenticity. I know many many people but how many are there for me when I'm struggling? 48 hours of silence usually raises the alarm with my true friends. I must stop trying to be there for anyone especially if it is to my detriment. Devil go.

I Heard a Voice.

An Avalanche of Nightmares.

Two weeks have passed since my last post. I had hoped to post after therapy two Wednesdays ago but was too emotionally exhausted to do anything. But so much has happened.

I returned to my office for the first time in more than a year two Mondays ago. It felt alien, bewildering and overwhelming. Very similar to going back to campus after lockdown. But I did it.

My real emotion was being stunned by the welcome I received from people in health and education. The narrative has changed. They missed me and needed me. The struggles they had without me are getting clearer.

An exhausting experience set against the backdrop of therapy and the devil reappearing. That therapy is having an impact is clear from the avalanche of nightmares I've experienced recently. Really hard going at the moment but I will persevere.

As for the devil life is not looking good but I'm resisting the desire to reach out. You reap what you sow. No longer will I prop you up.

Lost another friend on Friday. Maybe I should cut myself off from people who drain me. As my friend Rebecca who is a therapist said to me yesterday do not keep giving when it is to your detriment.

Away from that though I listening to The Magic Flute and preparing lunch for a friend. Roast rib of beef and a bottle of Amerone. She's bringing the cheese.

Until next time.

I Heard a Voice.

Roast Duck, Grey Skies and Puccini

The skies have turned grey, the air is cooler and Puccini plays. Sunday afternoon on an edgy, listless weekend. A week full of travel wore me out. Then the paranoia set in.

Forever worried and anxious being spied on from I know not where is very unnerving. The devil may have gone at least for the time being but I'm fearful of who trust.

That is the nasty part of my mental state. But I have my kitchen, my opera and my books. A duck leg and potatoes just went in to roast. Not had roast duck for several months. The devil once joined me for roast duck. Maybe been the last time I roasted duck.

Tomorrow summer starts, I go back to my office and remember a profound, beautiful but doomed meeting four years ago. That changed so much in my life. It is fodder for my therapy sessions. They remain brutally hard. A nurse on the ward in 1994 said to me "it will get worse before it gets better". I wasn't expecting that 32 years later I'm still at times in the grip of a mental health vice.

Away from my little world life looks uncertain, unstable and unsafe. Why do we do all this to ourselves? Intent on destruction. I fear for the world.

I Heard a Voice.

Vindication and Anger and Emerging.

In my year long venture into all things ADHD I repeatedly hear two words. Mainly these words come from women diagnosed late. They are powerful. Vindication and anger.

After a 4 1/2 year nightmare I emerged into dazzling light vindicated on Friday. A new way forward sweeping away the toxic cloud that has seeped into my very being, my core and my self. It is over.

No ego driven, power crazed and control obsessed poison any more. Life changed on Friday.

Going forward I will play to my strengths, bring compassion, bring teaching, bring knowledge and a fierce sense of right and wrong to my work life.

On a sunny Sunday morning I'm listening to Mozart opera and cooking roast pork. I read two chapters of my book and am looking forward to opening a bottle of Rioja.

Yesterday I was in Cambridge with Jayne to watch the American football Varsity Bowl. Glorious win for the Pythons followed by drinks in the Granta and dinner at Sala Thong.

Not without its bad memories. Two events occured in the Granta many years ago. Both very significant and damaging. But I will not let that overwhelm me. Past mars my past but I shape my future. The storied story goes on.

Back in my current world the devil has shut down all contact with the world beyond her twisted, damaged little life. It is both good and bad. Tinged with what might have been. Harry says I always talk about endings in therapy not what went on before. There is a long way to go with therapy and it remains brutally hard.

That, however, can wait until Wednesday. Today is Sunday and tomorrow is a public holiday. Enjoy this sunny long weekend.

I Heard a Voice.

A Day of Indifference.

The skies looked thunderous when I went out earlier to collect my medication. Angry, threatening clouds but no biblical showers.

On a working day I'm finding it hard to get going with anything. In truth today there's not much to be done. When I woke up I felt a sense of apathy and indifference. Odd given that Friday was good. Glimmers of hope and possible dissipation of darkness. That that darkness had descended more than 18 months ago was purely due to vindictive, manipulative and aggressive behaviour by one person obsessed with power.

No one who knew me before changing jobs could understand why my skills were not embraced but threatened. Sanction may be about to lift and what I bring praised, adopted and heralded. It has been a long and tough road.

My long weekend with Marie did not go entirely to plan. Poor weather and her being unwell dented our Saturday. Fortunately she felt much better on Sunday and we had lovely roast beef at The White Horse in Welwyn.

Tomorrow brings therapy and next week brings me to see my psychiatrist. Been a while as my appointment was rescheduled as I was in Kent for dad's birthday.

The Varsity Bowl is coming on Saturday so plan to go to Cambridge, meet Jayne for the game, a couple of pints in The Granta then dinner at Sala Thong.

Have a good week all.

I Heard a Voice.

Division and Hate.

The fallout from the recent local elections has been dominating our lives the last week. I tend to avoid talking about politics especially online. Last Wednesday I bumped into a friend who is a former Tory councillor on my way to therapy. He had gone back to his roots and not voted for Reform. I mused that our last two governments had blown massive majorities in the space of 18 months. What is happening to our country?

In truth we are lurching further into division and hate. Yesterday a big right wing nationalist march took place in London. The right to protest in vital to our democracy but the demonisation of different parts of our people is alarming. Please let's unite not tear ourselves in to small hate filled pockets.

For many the streets do not feel save. A Jewish friend recently said "if I see someone wearing a keffiyah I am filled with fear". I've worn keffiyahs for decades. I do not want to to be a figure of fear.

In a similar way the cross of St George flag has become a symbol of fear and division. That flag belongs to us not bigoted ring wing people who sow the seed of hate in our communities. Who knows if said flag will be embraced in more positive way during this summer's World Cup.

Away from that my mental state has mainly improved. I don't know for sure yet but the dark, toxic cloud that has enveloped my working world since October 2024 may be about to lift. I'm certainly getting noticed in high places. Change must come and I will try to help bring it about despite losing allies.

My friend Marie is here for the weekend. She was unwell yesterday but feeling much better today. We're off for lunch at The White Horse in Welwyn.

The devil murmured last night but is not much on my mind. Enjoy your Sunday everyone.

I Heard a Voice.