Spectre of the Genie.

Is it wise to revisit the past? Maybe, maybe not. My past never leaves me however much my cousin Cedric says let go. Actually since completing the writing of A Pillar of Impotence in 2005 my ability to stop my past dominating my present has improved. 

Anyway twelve days ago I revisited my darkest past. Reunion is a tricky thing. I have long talked of that darkness in therapy, with trusted friends and a few others. Just not overtly in public. The NHS calls it Adverse Childhood Experiences. That doesn't even come close to the horrors I've witnessed and heard over the last 30 years. 

It was hard that Wednesday and shook me to an extent. Not because I didn't understand my own life but that others are openly talking about what happened, how they'd buried it and then came to the realisation what it really was.

The genie sealed in a bottle for five decades feels like it's finally going to pop out. And that has triggered real mental struggle for me ever since.

Coupled with being physically ill and news that a more recent past is also coming to haunt me I've been a mess.

Yesterday I started to fight back. I cooked for the first time in a week, threw out the rotten consequences of not cooking, did the washing, tidied up and took the rubbish out. My flat is back to normal chaos after being neglected. 

Where I go from here I'm not sure. Today I will lunch at The White Hart, eat roast beef and drink Rioja. Tomorrow I will go to work. Just take it one day at a time.

I Heard a Voice 

Springtime Relaxing.

Greetings on a beautiful sunny spring afternoon. It is about time we had warmth and sun. Soon be dry enough to walk in the woods. 

A couple of weeks have gone by since my last post. Things have been going well. I had that week off. Made it to Borough Market which was fun. I relaxed and mainly switched off. The break was needed. 

Back at work last week and concentrated on my studies. First summative piece is done barring a handful of references. 6 weeks before the deadline. Also been recording supervision which forms another submission later in the year. 

The culinary adventures continue, lots of fine food, good wine and the indulgent things in life.

What happens next week will all be more frenetic, term starts. But I'm confident, thriving and mainly anxiety free. 

Still not had a lot of contact with people though. Rarely does anyone answer the phone, comments too are sparse. The silence from south London goes on eternally. There are still shades of loneliness, of self doubt and of self sabotage. Why do I always feel I'm the reason when in reality it is about others not me?

They will come back when they want something. So be it though. 

Enjoy that sunshine. 

I Heard a Voice.