The Immediacy of the Moment.

One of the great challenges of the modern world is the immediacy of life. Phones, texts, e mails, Messenger, Instagram. Are we ever allowed to switch off? Having been caught out in the early hours of Thursday morning by a phone being on and a call I should never have received last night I switched my phone off to sleep. This morning when I turned it on I was greeted by an unexpected, unpleasant and unwanted message. The curse of immediacy and expectation was not nice on what I had hoped would be a happy day. I am not always good at getting back to people but I do try. Sometimes though I miss things but that is being human. I am buoyed by the fact that I know that particular person has significant issues with mental health but it feels unnecessary and hurtful.

After a not so good and slightly hungover start the day dawned dull but mild. Now it is chilly. Too early for heating but getting that way. I had a wander in town and lunch with Yang. I bumped into Sarah which was nice. I'd spent a couple of hours with her sons last night, another unexpected turn of events. Good fun even if I paid the price today. Back at home I settled down to watch the AFL Grand Final. And what a win for the Richmond Tigers!

You may be wondering how the start of term went. Well mainly well. There's a lot of change and it will take some getting used to but we are getting there. Thursday was fraught and tense on many fronts but I have made it to the weekend. Mainly spent on my own it will involve steamed monkfish with ginger, soy and sesame oil tonight and roast beef for lunch tomorrow. The Marriage of Figaro is on Radio 3 tonight so perhaps that and a book. I'm behind on my reading as I am watching too many NFL games.

This coming week I will see my therapist and my supervisor. Be good to get some input on both fronts. Not that I feel in need but sometimes reflection away from the day to day can be most helpful. Monday brings pay day and Tuesday October. Can this year really be going so fast? Enjoy your weekend and see you soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Awaiting the Dawn.

Greetings on this beautiful day. I'm told the rain will come tomorrow At home I'm listening to Tosco, coming to talk to you all and about to set the beef rendang going.

So on this day where am I? It's been a weird and turbulent few days. Things are very unsettled but I can feel stirrings. My mood may be about to make a leap upwards. Can I transcend the chaos that will come with the dawn on Monday? Were my mood not going up I might fear the coming tidal wave and darkness that has happened many times. But not now. Not with this mood. The dawn will come and it will be light. Not darkness and foreboding.

The challenge will be to stay calm, not irritate and alienate people. And to manage not to go over the top as I did last October in my car to the sounds of The Dead Kennedys. It has been twelve years since I started here. Yes I've made many mistakes. But I have also helped many many young people and I hope taught some of them that it is not only possible to live with mental illness but to thrive.

Whilst I've felt stuck at a crossroads for several years now, the motionless traffic does not worry me today. What my fate will be in two, or five or ten years I do not know. I do know that I can do this and sometimes do it well.

Before the dawn there is food and music and books. Never run away from the joys of your life whatever they may be. For a life without purpose, time for you and time shared is no life at all. Hiding away breeds thinking, worrying and collapsing mentally. The darkness of that hole in January 2018 is no longer where I am now. I never believed I would get back to this place. But we always do. It takes courage, will and sacrifice but it can be done.

Next time I appear on here I may have crashed, I may be flying but I know that I am me with all the faults and virtues, all the knowledge and all the frailties. That is a given. On this day though be thankful for this all, good and bad. See you in the week.

I Heard a Voice.

Sullen Skies, Smooth Ride.

The sky was sullen and grey. The air mild but damp. And the sea was very calm. Thus I set forth this morning to return home. A sharp contrast to the glorious weekend, more than a hint of autumn was about. Catching the train at midday I mused on how my journeys have been transformed by investment in the dozen years since I left Kent. The fast train has cut my travel time almost in half. The stations I use most regularly have morphed from tired, decaying, dirty chaos into shiny new and modern stations. We all moan about the price going up each January but it has certainly made my experience so much better. Off the train at St Pancras, walk across the street and straight on at King's Cross. They don't always get it right but it was a very smooth ride today.

Back at home a gentle drizzle fell as I went food shopping. A pan fried herring is on tonight's menu along with some new potatoes and watercress. Tomorrow prawns. I cooked and ate well at dad's. True yesterday's unplanned three hour lunch left me stressed and fraught but the food was good. Wood pigeon was a revelation roasted on the bone although I under-cooked dad's slightly bigger bird. The roast pork was great.

After supper I think I will watch the West Ham game. I relived the Rams win last night via a recording this afternoon. Thoughts of work are far away although I know I will wake with a jolt tomorrow and think I can't do this. We are close to chaos but I will stick to my mantra of a day at a time a task at a time.

In a couple of weeks who knows what I will be feeling but I have a greater support network now, a therapist, a psychiatrist and supervisor. In that respect I'm better equipped to return than for some years.

I will give you an update on opera night. Now I must go and cook my herring.

I Heard a Voice.

Glittering Sunlight, Shimmering Sea.

The bright sunshine reflected over a shimmering sea as I caught the bus from Folkestone down to Hythe early this afternoon. I have escaped for a long weekend in Kent by the sea. Such a beautiful day, hard to believe autumn is here. The moon will be full tomorrow I think. All troubles of work are cast aside for a few days and I'm back in my homeland relaxing.

My return to work passed without much incident this week. Yes long meetings. Yes fears of what is to come. And yes we still obsess about process when reality is not like that. The onslaught begins a week on Monday and I will be stretched to every sinew of my emotional being but I'm as ready as I will ever be.

I saw my therapist on Wednesday for the first time in a month. As ever it didn't quite go as I'd expected. I spoke of things I've rarely voiced from long ago. Back in the days after my breakdown I would have expected a gasped, sympathy laden response. All these years down the line I'm more capable of dealing with that not happening than I was then. That is the way of therapy. Maybe I wasn't ready then. Maybe I was too ill. And maybe I was still too angry. But I emerged more upbeat than I had imagined and am now a little clearer on what I must do going forward rather than the fog of suspicion, mistrust and self aggrandizement that was evident before.

For now though that can wait. Passing through St Pancras on my journey I found a bookshop and much Graham Greene. It transpires there is currently a republishing of many of his works. I found and bought a copy of The Honorary Consul which I've been after for a while. The chap in the shop also pointed out a book I'd not heard of before. I didn't take in what it was called but it is there for future reference.

I face an hour or two of nothing as dad is at the bowls club. I'm cooking bangers and mash with peas and onion gravy for supper. A shower shortly and a little reading will pass the time until I cook. Not worked out what else I will cook this weekend. Maybe more to come in the coming days. Until then, enjoy the sun.

I Heard a Voice.

Treading a Familiar Path.

Half a life time ago I used to walk up Charing Cross road perusing book shops, eating cheap Chinese food and generally escaping from life in London. I've never lived in London but from March until July 1994 I spent time in a psychiatric clinic near London Bridge. It was the elite treatment for the un-treatables that everyone else had given up on.

I met amazing people, behaved in a very juvenile way and generally struggled for that time. The treatment had a non existent impact on my illness and they abandoned me when I didn't do what I was told.

You will know what happened down the line if you have read my books or read here regularly. I did find my way, I found a career, and unlike most of those I knew I got out.

On Thursday I walked gently up Charing Cross Road and remembered those times. The shops, the restaurants, the bars. Most have gone now. Even Foyle's is no longer where it once was. My emotion was mixed but it felt good.

The purpose of me being there was to meet my lovely friend Krishna. She was once one of my students. She regards me as a wise man, her Buddha who guides here life. More than two years have passed since we last met. But as she battles serious and debilitating physical illness that at time has her in a wheelchair she has finally brought up the courage to fight back. That is the way with illness like mine, you choose to live or you choose to die. Many many that I knew all those years ago chose death, either real or metaphorical, rather than life.

A long time ago a psychiatrist told me that being mad was not a career choice. I felt terribly threatened by that back then. Now I see she was right. I don't always get it right. I fuck up. I rant. I cry. But I nearly always find a way to fight back and to live.

My holiday is at its end. On Monday I return two weeks before the tidal wave breaks. Am I ready? Who knows? Time will tell.

I Heard a Voice.

Early Rising.

Every now and again I wake early and simply can't get to back to sleep. I had set an alarm today anyway as I have a psychiatry appointment. What I didn't expect was a 6.45 am wake up and no further sleep. Not the best start to the day but felt surprisingly good. An early visit to the supermarket beckoned and on the way suddenly my tooth started to throb. Only intermittent but irritating. Is this the long feared infection that may precipitate root canal? God I hope not.

Will have to see how I go but for now I can't do anything. The fear is that it brings on insomnia tonight and that growing fear that I will become unwell again if I don't sleep. So I look forward to this day with some trepidation and fear.

For others it is an auspicious day. That day when all the mums post on Facebook photos of their kids going to school for the first time, a new school or a return to school. It fills my timeline but why shouldn't they indulge? Sometimes the mums have more tears than the kids. To all of you out there, hope the small ones have a brilliant day.

I'm thinking of going to the Galleria after my appointment. Really shouldn't spend if the tooth continues to trouble me. But a little indulgence is needed every now and again. Last night I indulged and dined with our former Dean of Students. He appointed me to the job which I started exactly 12 years ago today. Is it really that long? Time flies. Thoughts of the coming term are not greatly prevalent today but will grow as the week progresses.

Hope to catch you all again soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Hitting the Half Century.

Wow, what a weekend! As promised I said I'd post at 50 and here I am. After celebrations all day Friday with friends and family, a fine lunch, an amazing surprise cheese and wine party, presents, even more wine, a bad hangover followed by a tired day I am still simply stunned. People are so kind and generous.

Who would have thought this even possible in that fateful summer of 1991? But make it I did. My mood is buoyant, anxiety is hiding and I'm on top of the world. No I'm not too elevated, annoying or unpleasant, feeling just right.

So on this Sunday I'm relaxing with Handel's Arminio, supping red wine and making stock for pho tomorrow. The rare rib of beef this afternoon was a triumph. My friends may have been hungover but we had a splendid time.

Another week before my return so I'm putting thoughts of work away, trying firmly to live in the today, and looking forward to seeing even more of my friends in the coming days. Sarah is coming for said pho tomorrow. I must see my psychiatrist on Tuesday, well a psychiatrist not my psychiatrist. Then on Wednesday I will hit Borough Market then meet the fantastic Krishna in Chine Town after. Not see here for a couple of years so that should be fun.

For all of you have your kids starting school this week or going back I wish them well, hope the tears don't well up too much and that you can finally slow down after such a long break with the kids. They are adorable to many but utterly exhausting so I'm told.

On Thursday the NFL starts. The fourth Test beckons and there is a rugby world cup to look forward to. It could be a great autumn!

I Heard a Voice.