Sudden Death.

The greatest tragedy of my three decade battle with mental illness is the friends I've lost. I may talk in stark and brutal terms about mental health but I have seen so much death I've become almost anaesthetised to it.

That makes me feel I'm a bad person. Guilt can be horrible. Have I let people down? Could I have done more? Those awful what if questions. 

Up until about half an hour ago this weekend had been going well. Tired yes but less anxious  

I spent more than an hour this morning talking to someone from my past who is really depressed. She turned to me eleven years after she heard me talk about mental health. Apparently I inspired her and she looked up to me.

When I finished the call I saw a couple of messages had come through. My friend Kelly died in the night. Only 50 and the life an soul of every party. I was her last night. 

Life and death exist side by side. One minute life, the next death. I'm bewildered and not sure what to think or say. People will turn to me for support and I will gladly do that. And they will support me.

Later I will gather with her family and friends and we will mourn.  

Another day another death. Seen too much of that. Stay safe and never take anything for granted.

I Heard a Voice  

The Monarch.

I'm sat alone in my small flat. It's cold. And I'm emotional. Before me is the march of the cortege from the Cathedral to the Palace. And spectacle of colour on a difficult day. 

Later our Queen will be laid to rest alongside her husband at Windsor Castle. The streets are packed as we witness history. 

My thoughts are jumbled, I feel empty and I feel sad. We all pass one day but it is hard to fathom what is going on today. 

Although I never met her the Queen was the one enduring constant in my at times troubled life. A great Monarch. A great leader. And a great woman. 

Who would have thought back in 1952 when accession to the throne that a single woman in a political world dominated by men could do so well?

The coffin is approaching the Palace now. With that I will leave you. Farewell to you and goodbye to her Majesty.

I Heard a Voice  

Overwhelming Bewilderment.

A day to go and I've still not made any sense of recent events. I am overwhelmed and bewildered by scale of what is going on. I just don't know what to make of it all.

The Majestic spectacle will play out in the eyes of the world tomorrow. I've been so impressed with the Royal family; carrying on with the same dignity of our late Queen. 

In my little corner of the world my thoughts and mind continue to whir away. I wish I could switch off.

A wise man said to me a few years ago that life is made up on three parts. Home, work and people. Instability in two is manageable but all three is a no go.

Since March all have been unstable. We still haven't completed on the flat. Although I had a better week at work we've still got a lot that we need to fix. And as for people living in the mental health world leads to unstable friendships and relationships. It is thus now.

So on this Sunday morning as Mozart plays life feels confused. That said though I'm infinitely better off than I was a few years ago, or even 18 months ago. Problems can be overcome. What's harder is overcoming my anxiety. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Progress Royal and Progress Slow.

As the extraordinary pageant of a Royal funeral and accession of King continues to unfold I'm still stunned. The King is on his progress as a medieval King might have done. He has visited all the countries of his realm in these Isles with dignity  humility and stamina. I have been impressed. 

The days tick by until Monday when we will say goodbye to our extraordinary late Monarch. Our country goes through the passing that we all knew was coming but none of us would know how it would proceed. 

The lives of the great and good are far removed from my little life. No work today as I have a new router being installed this afternoon. 

I won't worried but have stabilised since. I did food shopping, ordered my medication and dropped off a letter at the estate agent. Still not completed yet on the flat.

My shopping trip took a while. Lots of older people in Waitrose going slowly. That's what I remember of the last years of mum's life. Slowing down rapidly. 

The afternoon is wait and see. Lunch shortly, a fig and mojame salad with walnuts and a sherry vinegar dressing. I have sardines, prawns and veal steak to cook in the coming days. Even when I struggle I try to keep cooking. 

Having really laboured over last weekend about my many failings this week has been much better than expected. We'll see what tomorrow brings. 

Take care.

I Heard a Voice. 

A King, a Full Moon and a New Era.

On Thursday our world changed. The second Elizabethan era ended. The country is in mourning, in shock, in uncertainty. 

King Charles III was proclaimed this morning. What do I feel? A sense of loss, a fear of change and worry that not only the country's world is unravelling but mine too.

Life feels tough. Desperately tired too. I had forgotten how hard the start of term is. Emotions ran high this week so we must all switch off and prepare to ground and reset ourselves next week. 

So often I reflect and ruminate on my many failings. In the grand scheme of things I'm inconsequential. 

Coinciding with this momentous week was a glorious full moon the day we lost the Queen. Nature is a thing of awe, to be beholden by us mere mortals. In this time when I feel vulnerable I will take comfort from nature.

Please look after yourselves in these bleak feeling times.

I Heard a Voice. 

Cracked Mirror.

Many people say amazing things about me. They respect my work, my compassion and my wisdom. My consultant asked me in  January what people would say if he asked my friends how they view me? Most would say amazing. Or inspirational. 

So why is it on this grey but mild September day that all I do is see the flaws? If I look in the mirror I see distortion, cracks and fog. Is my self esteem really that low?

Today I feel tired, scared and lonely. A woman I once worked with said to me that living with depression is like being in a glass box. She could hear and see the world but they couldn't hear her nor could she touch them. And she was surrounded by a loving family.

My demons are abroad today. They haunt me and make my mind teem with negativity. My friend Charlotte always sticks her tongue out at me whenever I say something kind.

The world sees us one way and we see us another. 

I'm speaking to a wise man I  an hour or so, hope it helps. 

I Heard a Voice.