That Autumn.

As the heat of summer dissipates, the days get shorter and a chill is in the air I always cast my mind back to the early autumn of 1988.

A lonely, clever but angry young man was in East Kent was preparing to go to Cambridge. I was kind of confident but fear also stalked me. Is it really 35 years since I was prepared for Selwyn?

Looking back now my life was already wracked with anxiety. That sense of struggling to fit in. That expectation that everyone piled on me. That weight I put on myself. That burden of others glorying in my achievements. 

Oddly enough I have fond memories of that autumn. The truth when I got to Cambridge in October was that I spent a year desperately lonely, too frightened to make new friends, too uncomfortable at all the parties I was invited to because I played rugby. And too overwhelmed. 

I got through though before another very lonely summer in 1989.

None of us can rewind the clock. 33 years of mental illness have punctuated my life. Cambridge came and went. I had a breakdown. I was locked up and eventually told I was untreatable. 

Who would have known that was my fate? Other than as it transpired my cousin Cedric who years later told me he always knew I'd have a break. 

On this quiet Saturday afternoon in my small part of Hertfordshire people view me as a wise man. Am I wise? Towards others maybe but towards me no. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Sultry Saturday, Grey Sunday.

The shift from summer to autumn has come today. After some time of warm humid conditions a change is in the air. 

You find me at home listening to Mozart's La Clemenza Di Tito and just taking things easy. 

After my last post a couple of weeks ago mentally I've improved. Not flying but in a good place. 

A lot of that has to do with Charlotte coming back into my life after months of deafening silence. 

I've had enough people walk away from my life with no warning so it was hard having months of absence. 

Whilst others hold me in high regard I do not. Always overthinking and second guessing myself I usually end up thinking I've done something terrible to others when actually it is usually issues they have and not me.

Having her back lights up my day even though life remains fraught with vulnerability for both of us. 

I have decided to make a change over recent Sunday habits and eat this evening. This allows me a chance to have a pint in The White Horse at Welwyn. Been a while. 

There will be roast duck leg with roast potatoes and vegetables tonight. Nice glass of Chianti with that.

Have a lovely Sunday everyone. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Sinking Fast.

Sunday morning with the sun shining. Madame Butterfly plays, some belly pork is in the oven and I'm trying to make sense of yesterday. 

After several weeks of mental stability my mood fell through the floor. I've always said that we never remember how low we can get when doing well. But then it comes and the world sinks and descends into darkness. 

It didn't hope that I was isolated most of the day and when I did go out the level of aggression and cocaine and testosterone mixed with alcohol by some of the people there threw me.

A day on I'm feeling better. A passing reminder that for all the alleged inspiration of my journey sometimes the darkness bites back. 

Not seen anyone today yet but I will later. I must admit I'm looking forward to my lunch. 

The holiday is drawing to an end. Sixteen years ago today I started at the university. What a long time ago that was.

With that I take my leave of you all. Promise me you will all look after your mental health; it's very precious and can be fragile. 

I Heard a Voice. 

A Year Older.

Greetings on a grey autumnal day. Summer is over and there is chill in the air.

There are but a few days left of my summer holiday. I've been to Kent, I've been to London and I have generally indulged.

On Wednesday I turned 54. Miriam took me out to lunch at The Waggoners. Beautiful food, beautiful day.

It has been good to be off. Not much planned today except get a phone upgrade. That fills me with anxiety. I have no idea how to get on the WiFi at home. Neither do I know passwords to get on things. Do they still offer to transfer apps, messages and pictures? Too many questions and too much fear.

Over the weekend I will cook and I will sort. Beef short rib tomorrow and roast belly pork on Sunday. 

My final day off is Monday. It has gone so quickly. The autumn and winter will be hard, I will only have 4 days leave to us excluding Christmas which I've already booked. 

Have a great weekend everyone. 

I Heard a Voice.