Springtime Relaxing.

Greetings on a beautiful sunny spring afternoon. It is about time we had warmth and sun. Soon be dry enough to walk in the woods. 

A couple of weeks have gone by since my last post. Things have been going well. I had that week off. Made it to Borough Market which was fun. I relaxed and mainly switched off. The break was needed. 

Back at work last week and concentrated on my studies. First summative piece is done barring a handful of references. 6 weeks before the deadline. Also been recording supervision which forms another submission later in the year. 

The culinary adventures continue, lots of fine food, good wine and the indulgent things in life.

What happens next week will all be more frenetic, term starts. But I'm confident, thriving and mainly anxiety free. 

Still not had a lot of contact with people though. Rarely does anyone answer the phone, comments too are sparse. The silence from south London goes on eternally. There are still shades of loneliness, of self doubt and of self sabotage. Why do I always feel I'm the reason when in reality it is about others not me?

They will come back when they want something. So be it though. 

Enjoy that sunshine. 

I Heard a Voice. 

A Joyous Easter to All!

Happy Easter all! Whatever Faith, whatever creed I wish you all a joyous day as Christians all over the world celebrate this Holiest of days.

I walked away from religion years ago but I enjoy festivals of all Faiths and the music that goes in the Christian Faith. Good Friday, Holy Saturday and Easter day.

In times past I sang over Easter in Cambridge as a child and in many of the great cathedrals of Europe more recently. I may have paid a price for singing but there are many great memories. 

In my world I am unwinding after a relentless term. Yes I'm on holiday until a week tomorrow. 

Mentally all is well at the moment. Late winter and early spring have brought some darkness and fear but today I'm good. 

I'm listening to Madame Butterfly and cooking roast turkey breast with sage and thyme wrapped in bacon. A smoked salmon starter with English fizz. Two friends will be joining me. English Bacchus to accompany the turkey. Just wish we could see the sun, it's freezing here.

My week off will include a trip to Borough Market. Might even go to Cambridge for a day. I have therapy on Thursday. 

As the world continues on its self destruction remember today is a day of peace. It will be in my small flat in a small town north of London. Happy Easter. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Three Decades and Three Weeks

It is three weeks since I last came on here to write my thoughts to an empty and silent world. I've had things to say but no time to say them.

If you're a regular reader, not many left after fourteen years of writing, you will recall how hard I find anniversaries. This weekend marked three.

Two years ago yesterday an important person walked away from my life. Two years ago another important person started the process of leaving me too. And today marks thirty years since my second and final admission to a psychiatric ward.

Words cannot describe what that feels like. I tried and failed to convey the horror in A Pillar of Impotence. Put simply you wear that badge or you don't. 

Almost everyone from that place is dead. A few years ago a survivor got in touch because she stumbled across this blog. She's disappeared again. I'm left alone with those memories. 

Today I feel flat and lonely despite having a visitor. I seek merely to get through the day. 

Mozart plays and I'm silent with my thoughts. 

Tomorrow life goes on, today is to be endured.

I Heard a Voice. 

What Do You Want?

Had I posted yesterday as I'd hoped you may have seen an angry rant. I was not in a good place and facing something I didn't want to do.

I could and maybe should have cancelled my plans. But I did follow them through and as with all things my anxiety touches it was better than I feared. 

Apparently it's inappropriate to talk about work on here so I can't tell you what happened. But in the stoney silence of the day I got stuck on the thought that people only contact me when they want something. 

Who do I want to be? Normality seems alien. To an extent I face the world alone. No partner, no family of my own. A lot of friends granted but there remains a deafening silence from the one person I want to be with. It's hard when people disappear from the face of the earth for months at a time. 

So on this cold Sunday morning once again I'm alone. I've got yet another cold, I'm tired because I couldn't sleep and my neck hurts.

Life will right itself. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow. It just doesn't feel good to be me today.

I Heard a Voice.

The Harbour's Edge.

It's grey, wet and cold down at the coast. I've escaped to Kent to see a friend. Living just a stone's throw from the harbour. It was beautiful out there last night as I stood at the harbour edge at low tide. Not so inviting today. 

I'm pretty good. Fatigue aside the last vestiges of the flu have gone.

My working life remains incredibly busy but I'm thriving. Half term next week so mainly working from home.

Soon spring will come. Flowers, green leaves, Jersey Royal potatoes, English asparagus. A plethora of joys await us when it warms up.

We are now in the Christian lent season. A time of abstinence and prayer. Not for me, the culinary decadence goes on. Did some beautiful roast pork on Thursday. Have some rabbit in the freezer. 

Tomorrow I journey home. Not going to be easy at King's Cross is closed until Wednesday. Trains are so unreliable at times.

Until next time. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Back to the Fens.

My association with the fenland of East Anglia goes way back to 1978. 46 years in September. Back then I had just turned 9 as I went to boarding school to join the most famous choir in the world. 

Occasionally I wonder what life might have been like had I not taken that path. Even today people erroneously say to me you were sent away at 9. I actually chose to do it.

That decision altered all our lives. We are who we are today partly because of it.

This weekend I've been back in the fens. Yesterday lunchtime I passed through my beloved Cambridge and on to Ely. 

Seeing Miriam and Nigel for my annual Super Bowl pilgrimage has been great. Wonderful home cooking yesterday. Epic Sunday lunch at The Prince Albert today followed by a lovely walk around Ely. And the sun shone on the fens.

Sometimes a change of scenery is needed. I've certainly done that this weekend. 

Tonight I will witness another Super Bowl. Tomorrow I travel home. And Tuesday I go back to reality.

Until next time. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Recovering One Day at a Time

Greetings on a grey but mild Sunday afternoon. I'm slowly recovering from the flu. Really just a cough and immense fatigue left now. Was so tired last night I was in bed by 11.15 pm and slept for 11 hours. 

The last couple of weeks have been a sharp reminder that however life appears to be going we are all vulnerable to microbes. If I'm honest I have not been so sick since having whooping cough in 2014.

I'm reminded too that the human immune system is very powerful but takes time.

The week was mainly okay. Two more days of study, rushing around between sites. Trying to fit everything in. And speaking to the big boss late on Friday afternoon. 

As for the weekend a bus trip to St Albans yesterday. Lovely lunch but all the shops seem to have shut down so nothing worth buying. 

Today brings Haydn opera, my book and later roast chicken. 

Mentally I'm pretty good. Just have to shake off this fatigue. 

Viewing figures on here have been healthy but it seems much of that is bot activity in Singapore. Why any bot would be interested in my musings I have no idea.

Next weekend I'm off to Miriam's. Yes the Super Bowl coming up once again. 

Have good week. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Silence of the Death Rattle Cough.

On this non descript Saturday afternoon in late January I am contemplating what has happened in my life over the past two weeks. I have been sick, really sick.

For almost nine days I felt like death. Boxes of paracetamol were consumed, I froze, I sweated, I barely ate and at night time terrifying paranoid nightmares. 

Now the fever has broken, the dreams have dissipated and the sachets of paracetamol lie unopened. 

All that's left is utter exhaustion and the hack of a death rattle cough. Around me is silence. Not many reached out to me and my social media silence went largely un noticed.

Despite being so ill I should have retired to my bed and asked the doctor for a sick I carried on working for four days this week. Three solid days of online university. My fourth enrolment at a university in my lifetime. Then yesterday trying to play catch up. 

This weekend will come and go, I will improve and spring will keep marching towards us. Roll on the spring!

I Heard a Voice. 

Seasonal Flu.

On this dull Sunday afternoon I feel dreadful. Have done since Tuesday. Banging headache, backache, shivers, fever and sore throat. Add in insomnia and I'm not doing so great. 

I've only truly had flu twice in my life. This feels as bad, definitely worse than covid. Maybe it is flu once again. 

It's beginning to impact mentally too. Loneliness. Isolation. Insidious self doubt. Replaying the wrongs of recent years. Fear. The whole package is there. But will not let it defeat me. Too much at stake.

Staving off the sneezing I write to you whilst listening to Palestrina. One of the first recordings I did. Beautiful but fiendishly difficult to sing the Ave Maria mass is so renaissance Europe. 

The world outside continues to go mad as the conflagration in the Middle East spreads ever wider. People here are polarised. I do not know what to think other than to just focus on what I can control. 

I haven't been out since Friday barring getting paracetamol and takeaway. Somehow I have to be ready to start my fourth university course on Tuesday. This time at the University of East Anglia. Not my choice but will see how it goes. Currently it won't even let me into their system as it doesn't recognise the correct password. I've requested a reset but it has been sent to an email address I cannot access without said password. Not an auspicious start!

Back to today I have to log on to send some work emails, not good when sick, and tie up loose ends. Then I will cook roast lamb. 

Have a great Sunday. 

I Heard a Voice. 

A Little Mozart.

Greetings on a cold January Sunday morning. I'm told it's set to get colder.

Home alone Mozart plays and I'm trying to stay warm. I feel very little today, neither manic nor depressed, neither anxious nor at peace. I just am today. 

The week was long but not without success. There were irritants of course but all jobs have those. I'm making progress one day at a time. 

Much of my surrounding cast have been struck by the latest in a whole series of overlapping cold and viruses. After myself being affected all through autumn I'm relieved that at the moment I am okay. 

As is my wont today will focus on my kitchen. A nectarine salad with feta will be my lunch. Roast beef tonight. I've finally used my tagine our team gave me for my birthday. Twice in fact with great success. Last night was lamb and apricot tagine. 

Later the Rams will play their wild card playoff game against the Lions in Detroit. Too late to watch live but I will watch the recording after work tomorrow. 

Enjoy your Sunday everyone. 

I Heard a Voice. 

A Day of Doubt.

Today has been miserable out. Heavy rain and gusting winds. That was after a New Year's Day full of doubt, overthinking, loneliness and flat mood followed by a night of insomnia. Not a good start.

Those days and nights come to be sometimes. The legacy of all these years of ups, downs and mental illness. On those days I just try to let it play out and learn to fight another day. 

Despite the the storm raging outside I'm in a better place. I popped out to The Waggoners to see off the lovely Helena who is off on her travels. A kind, smiling, intelligent 21 year old she has looked after me on my visits the last few months. 

Back home now in the warm my travels seem long gone. I have travelled extensively in my life, 17 choir tours between 1979 and 1996, travels alone to Holland and Spain, travels with friends and more recently trips with dad. 

Whether I do another trip I do not know. Today it feels too overwhelming. 

I do though recreate the marvellous cuisine of other cultures in my kitchen. People like my cooking. 

On this bleak winter day my adventure is closer to home. Lamb casserole using scrag end is bubbling away slowly on the hob. I believe it's called comfort food.

Tomorrow my holiday ends. The world is moving on its very dangerous way. But each it gets a little lighter. The bulbs will come in a few weeks. Spring will bring back the greenery. And I return to study for the first time since 2015.

I Heard a Voice.