Saying Goodbye and Hello.

On a mild and intermittently sunny late December Day I saying goodbye to what was and hopefully hello to a glorious tomorrow. 

That this year has been tumultuous has been recorded in my posts on here many times. A year ago another hammer blow was about hit. People can be so unkind. There would be more hammer blows up until Easter.

Somehow I was able to stagger up from the canvas of life each time. Resilience I suppose. 

Now as I listen to The Nelson Mass on New Year's Eve I'm doing much better. It's funny when support comes from unexpected places that we can not only survive but Thrive.

The weight of expectation continues to weigh on me but I have done some good with my words.

What tomorrow brings I do not know. 2024 is less than twelve hours away. I know I will cook, listen to opera, read, drink my wine and hopefully bring a smile to people. 

Without smiling where would we be. When I started on Risperidone in 2001 a couple of weeks later I bumped into a former neighbour. She asked me what had happened? Bemused I asked her what she meant. "You're smiling! I haven't seen you smile in years".

My battles with mental health goes on but today I'm winning. 

Happy New Year to you all. Prosper in 2024.

I Heard a Voice. 

By the Pale Light of Dawn.

It's nearly 8.30 am in the heart of East Kent. I've been awake since 6.00 am. Some days I just can't sleep. 

I watched Dawn breaking over the beach. There no sun to be seen, just the pale, eery dawn light of a late December morning.

The sky was alive with gulls. The sky a threatening slate grey. And the sea rising to heights then crashing down on the beach.

I'm not a morning person. In fact I hate mornings. Today though I was at one with nature in all its brutal savagery. 

The celebration of Christmas was grand this year. We nailed the roast goose. The pudding divine. And the cheese awesome. Much wine too. I was so tired I could have gone to bed at 5.00 pm.

Boxing day saw roast gammon before Miriam and Nigel disappeared on their travels. 

The world may be in turmoil but for two days at least I was at peace.

A year ago I also woke early. My mind was destroyed that day. I saw inside the gates of hell that day. Not today though. 

I'll tarry here a little while longer. Then out for breakfast and after get my hair cut.

Work is still a week away. There are people to see and things to do before then. I hope the drive home on Saturday will be a simple as the journey down here.

I Heard a Voice. 

A Windswept Sea.

The wind is blowing across the shingle beach. Waves rise and crash. And the sky a threatening grey. Mum would not have swum today. 

Yesterday I escaped to Kent for Christmas. It was an unusually good journey. Work is done for the year.

The anger and paranoia of my last post has dissipated and I'm good. 

I didn't get that job but I am not disheartened. There will be others. As I said to people at the time it was an opportunity rather than a desire burning or otherwise. 

A year ago on Boxing Day I descended into hell. The worst crash in 30 years. For a long time I was paralysed by fear, by failure and by expecting too much of me. But fought back.

As the world grapples with war, famine, disease, climate change and man's propensity to destroy itself I can only control parts of my little world. 

And today I'm with my family, near the beach in East Kent. 

The great day awaits us tomorrow. A sumptuous feast of roast goose will decorate our table. We will go to the beach as the sun sets. Christmas pudding will follow. Then cheese and wine late into the night. 

For a day or two the gesture of peace on earth goodwill towards men will mark my life even as darkness encloaks the world. Please be kind to yourself and to others  

I Heard a Voice. 

Fear and Paranoia.

This last week was hard. Not all bad but it was hard. Being angry and paranoid never sits well with me. But I know my critics sometimes rage and that makes me rage. But tomorrow is another day and I will stay true to myself. 

33 years into my journey in mental health I am who I am. I speak out and not everyone appreciates that. Yet if I don't speak out who will?

A former colleague once said to me "you're the only person I have ever met who talks about the shadow". I asked what that meant and she said it is a term in Jungian psychotherapy that is the truth no one ever speaks. 

Where I've got in trouble in my career is when I speak the truth no one wants to hear. Many find it hard to hear the truth.

Troubling though the first part of the week was Faith was restored on Thursday. Facing an interview for the first time in over two years I don't think it could have gone any better. My presentation was so comprehensive the panel had no questions. The interview questions were all answered I hope eloquently. Just as important they answered my questions. 

At the end I said it would be controversial for a non qualified person like me to be appointed. The response was "you were shortlisted for a reason, experience counts".

We will see in the week. 

Back to today Mozart plays. A shoulder joint of pork will go in the oven at 2 pm. I do like Sundays!

I Heard a Voice.