Home and Safe.

A few days have gone by since my last post. Boxing Day was so low and overwhelming I was in the blackest of places. 

I'm home now in the warm with Radio 3 and trying to make sense of things. I'm safe and getting by an hour at a time. 

People have been so kind reaching out to me but I cannot apply my own advice. I've made a lot mistakes and poor decisions in my life it's a wonder people take my advice. But they do.

Living up to that can be hard. Sometimes people expect too much of me. But I always try to give and to support people in need. Is that out of guilt and shame? Therapy a lot of that in it. But it helped. 

This afternoon I will cook roast pork. Mood wise I remain low but the anxiety isn't as bad. Hoping rekindled love for cooking will help. I've not invited anyone round for months. Maybe that can be my CBT experiment. I don't have another session until the 10th. Let's hope I'm on a more even keel then.

I Heard a Voice. 

And Come With Fear and Trembling.

A day on from a glorious Christmas Day with my family the curse of anxiety has bitten back. The title line of this is from a magnificent piece of music Bairstow's spine tingling "Let All Mortal Flesh Silent" . I suspect but I don't know that it is about Judgement Day.

Today I'm stalked by fear. The trembling has gone but I do not feel good. 

Waking early and having wave upon wave of anxiety is destroying me. People say kind things about me but I cannot hear them. I know how to treat others when they face but I can't face it myself. 

I am not going to hide under the duvet though. I'm not going to switch off the phone. And I'm not going to run. All three sound options but they are not. As the legendary Bob Marley once said "you can't run away from yourself ".

Instead I will meet my friend for a walk. I have managed to cook today, to wash, put my lenses in, brush my teeth and walk to the beach. Small things maybe but huge mountains today. 

Tomorrow will be better. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Chianti, Ragu and Christmas.

Greetings from a grey and dull Kent. The sea was full of foreboding, the gulls few and far between and Christmas is almost upon us.

After a tumultuous year of highs and lows I drove safely down to dad's yesterday afternoon. Work continued to the very last minute and remains a challenge. 

Yet so much has gone well. I'm away from the past, I own my flat, I still have my amazing friends and my break is upon me. Still finding it hard to switch off. 

Down at dad's I'm reheating ragu, Miriam has brought fresh gluten free tagliatelle. We both forgot the parmesan but managed to get some before Waitrose shut.

As it cooks I'm drinking a seriously good Chianti. Beka will join us soon.

The feast tomorrow will be an epic affair. Thanks for reading this last year. Merry Christmas to you all.

A Snow Capped Land.

The snow that fell heavily on Sunday night continues to blanket the land. The air is freezing, the roads treacherous and the pavements icy. And on Monday my boiler failed.

Five days of no heat and hot water has been tough going. Washing with a kettle and basin is not ideal. I managed to grab a shower at my friend Zoe's one day but she is tied up this weekend. Back to the kettle. 

Mentally I'm holding up quite well. My mood has been stable and my anxiety reduced from two weeks ago.

My thoughts go out to those in war zones through the northern hemisphere where winter is so bitter. My thoughts also go out to those in this wealthy country who cannot afford to heat their homes.

Tomorrow we will buy the boiler and parts ready for installation on Wednesday. Just have to grit it out until then. 

On a more optimistic note I have four more days of work until the Christmas break. Given all I have been through personally and our team collectively professionally we all need a break. 

This time next week I will be in Kent with dad. I will walk along the beach, eat, drink and see friends. 

Let's hope the snow melts soon. I need to warm up!

I Heard a Voice  

Puccini on a Freezing Night.

Brace yourselves for the cold in the UK! It's bitter out there. Plummeting temperatures across the country, frost and ice.

I'm at home in the warm listening to Puccini's Il Trittio as is my won't on a Wednesday. 

Thoughts that my life might stabilise after buying my flat have proved a slightly false dawn. Work remains busy and hard at times. Anxiety has been on a rollercoaster ride the last couple of weeks. 

Each day brings a different challenge that makes me doubt my knowledge, my experience and my life. Yet I bounced back and face each day however battered I am.

I spoke recently of a desire to return to mania. That would be great but not for those around me.

The weekend did bring a calming influence with my lovely friend Jayne visiting on Saturday. We have seen so much, and shared so much, and separated and come back together since we met in 1994.

Over an epic 4 hour lunch we reminisced, wondered what was, what might have been a contemplated what might be to come. We both made it out of the pit of hell.

We're hoping to meet every couple of months to indulge, imbibe and support each other. I'm lucky I have such amazing friends. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Red Kite Over the Woods.

Saturday night here in Hertfordshire. A little warmer today and it's been okay. Finally banished the last vestiges of the virus I picked up 10 days ago.

I supped on seasoned fresh sardines pan fried in butter with new potatoes and green beans. I'm slowly consuming a bottle of Picpoul de Pinet and listening to Britten opera.

My week was long and tiring but the Christmas break is not far off.

Today I have been thinking of nature. My mum was in awe of the natural world. A keen gardener and bird watcher I think she would have liked here.

I live on an estate but the woods are only across the road. And they are patrolled by beautiful red kite. They soar effortlessly on the thermals. So graceful. 

I drove to The Waggoners today after food shopping and there was another kite surveying its dominion. Nature is beautiful and savage.

Tomorrow brings Sunday, roast pheasant and the NFL. Thank goodness for weekends. 

Will it Come Again?

The sun is shining on a beautiful Sunday morning here in Hertfordshire. Bitterly cold though. Winter is beginning to knock at our doors after a mild and wet autumn. 

I find myself flat and uninterested. The virus that afflicted me in the week is receding. Still have a cough but I can eat and drink much more easily. 

What is happening with my mood? It remains stubbornly around neutral or in the low region. I long for a high! Even completion on the flat did not send me into the delights elevation. Will it ever come again?

Wherever my mood is I still have to get through the day. It just feels hard.

Part of what troubles me is the silence that echoes from South London. It was so lovely to see my friend Charlotte at the party. She disappeared into the night and although I know she is safe the silence since troubles me.

She will get back to me at some point. Or is she another friend who walks away with no explanation? It happened twice earlier in the year. 

Much of the last few months has been brutal but I have made it through. Mozart plays for which I'm grateful. Roast belly pork awaits later. So Sunday rolls on.

I Heard a Voice. 

Taking a Toll.

As the days of November march on the rain, darkness and gloomy outlook does not abate. 

So much has happened since my last post. I became a home owner. We had a big party. My anxiety took over. My treatment for said anxiety began. And now I have an upper respiratory viral infection. 

After so much in recent months perhaps it is no surprise I paid a price. Teachers always say the keep going and going then collapse at half term.

So for now I must rest, take paracetamol and drink lots of water.

I have put off work next week. That may diminish the guilt I feel that I'm letting our team down. I did inform them but now seems that was the wrong thing to do. But I cannot undo what is done. Clearly I have a lot more to learn about management. Boundaries were always a challenge for me. 

Although it is uncomfortable what is worse is the horrific dreams I had overnight. Viral infection has done that to me before. I hate dreams, rarely dream of anything nice. 

The troubled world will carry on in my absence. Just listening to the financial statement which the government hopes will get us out of this mess.

I think we need a change of government. Rare that I make political comments on here.

The coming days will see me recover. And then onward a day at a time. 

I Heard a Voice. 

A Worn Looking Hotel.

As I sit here and write for the first time in a while I'm in a hotel room in Reading. It's comfy enough but looking a little worn out. A once great Victorian house converted to a hotel like so many across the country. Canterbury is very similar. 

I'm here for a work seminar tomorrow. Been dreading travelling but I gave myself time  I didn't panic and I made it.

A much more significant event is marked today. It was exactly a year ago I left the College Lane Campus of the University of Hertfordshire for the final time. As I drove away the song "Road to Nowhere" came on the radio. An omen? Maybe but I've actually arrived somewhere. 

The journey has not been easy, work has been hard, I've lost people emotionally as friends and to death, I had covid and I've been through the stress of having to buy my flat.

On Friday we complete. I will be a home owner for the first time in my life.

Back to this evening I'm not sure if I will see the quasi legendary drinking talents of some of my colleagues.  But I will see my Selwyn friends Matt and Kay who are picking me up for dinner later.

I Heard a Voice  

Tired and Flat.

On a grey and wet October Sunday I'm tired, lethargic and flat in mood. Not what I expected of a weekend visit from my old friend Marie. 

In truth neither of us has been up to much. She is recovering from a heavy cold last weekend which she said hit her as hard as covid. Me feeling the effects of working too long without a break and the stresses of buying my flat.

Actually we're really near to completion. The postal strike has held up the paperwork but should be done this week. 

The other factor is Kelly's funeral on Tuesday. We're all still feeling battered and bruised by what happened and the atmosphere is subdued and sombre. Together we will get through it through. 

For now though I am listening to Don Giovanni and thinking nothing. We have a table booked at The Waggoners for 1.30 pm. Lovely roast beef. 

So on my tired and drained emotion I bid you all goodbye for today. See you soon. 

I Heard a Voice. 

I Never Say No.

Greetings! A couple of weeks have elapsed since I was last on here. It is a beautiful sunny autumn day here. I'm listening to Beethoven's violin sonatas and cooking slow roast shoulder of lamb.

During those last few weeks I have done a lot of reflecting. Of triumph. Of disaster. Of loss. Of being lonely. Of comforting others. And of never saying no.

My business is beset with an oblique thing called boundaries. I did not change side when I started working in mental health as some claim. But I was shocked at how my working world strove to shut me down from my real world. Us and them. Them and us.

In truth the success of my career has been that I went beyond those boundaries. My credibility is my madness. 

Years later I am plagued by giving too much. I never say no to anyone struggling with their mental health. 

Sometimes I need to switch off. This week I've been supporting five people beyond my work. As we all struggle with Kelly's death, with the chaos in the world I am in great demand. 

I live in that world but sometimes like today I just want to be alone with my music, with my cooking and my wine.

Hang in there everyone, I'll be back soon.

Acorns and Conkers.

Autumn is beautiful up here. A time of acorns, conkers and russet hues as the leaves turn and shed.

The sun is shining here and it is mild. Today I went to the butcher and opticians. No new glasses or lenses despite a deterioration of my right eye.

Trying to describe this week. Emotionally challenging, long and exhausting but mainly been anxiety free. A week on from losing our beloved friend Kelly we are turning to each other. 

We all have dark forlorn thoughts. To mourn is human. I've seen too many deaths. This one has hit harder than any since my friend Tom lost his 6 old son.

If there is a god of any description or belief or creed, he, she or they tore us apart so cruelly. 

Many have taken comfort from the words I posted on social media. I have my words and my words have power. 

As the afternoon drifts on I must look after myself. I'm cooking moussaka which is a pain to put together and wash up but tastes great.

Take care in this a times cruel world. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Sudden Death.

The greatest tragedy of my three decade battle with mental illness is the friends I've lost. I may talk in stark and brutal terms about mental health but I have seen so much death I've become almost anaesthetised to it.

That makes me feel I'm a bad person. Guilt can be horrible. Have I let people down? Could I have done more? Those awful what if questions. 

Up until about half an hour ago this weekend had been going well. Tired yes but less anxious  

I spent more than an hour this morning talking to someone from my past who is really depressed. She turned to me eleven years after she heard me talk about mental health. Apparently I inspired her and she looked up to me.

When I finished the call I saw a couple of messages had come through. My friend Kelly died in the night. Only 50 and the life an soul of every party. I was her last night. 

Life and death exist side by side. One minute life, the next death. I'm bewildered and not sure what to think or say. People will turn to me for support and I will gladly do that. And they will support me.

Later I will gather with her family and friends and we will mourn.  

Another day another death. Seen too much of that. Stay safe and never take anything for granted.

I Heard a Voice  

The Monarch.

I'm sat alone in my small flat. It's cold. And I'm emotional. Before me is the march of the cortege from the Cathedral to the Palace. And spectacle of colour on a difficult day. 

Later our Queen will be laid to rest alongside her husband at Windsor Castle. The streets are packed as we witness history. 

My thoughts are jumbled, I feel empty and I feel sad. We all pass one day but it is hard to fathom what is going on today. 

Although I never met her the Queen was the one enduring constant in my at times troubled life. A great Monarch. A great leader. And a great woman. 

Who would have thought back in 1952 when accession to the throne that a single woman in a political world dominated by men could do so well?

The coffin is approaching the Palace now. With that I will leave you. Farewell to you and goodbye to her Majesty.

I Heard a Voice  

Overwhelming Bewilderment.

A day to go and I've still not made any sense of recent events. I am overwhelmed and bewildered by scale of what is going on. I just don't know what to make of it all.

The Majestic spectacle will play out in the eyes of the world tomorrow. I've been so impressed with the Royal family; carrying on with the same dignity of our late Queen. 

In my little corner of the world my thoughts and mind continue to whir away. I wish I could switch off.

A wise man said to me a few years ago that life is made up on three parts. Home, work and people. Instability in two is manageable but all three is a no go.

Since March all have been unstable. We still haven't completed on the flat. Although I had a better week at work we've still got a lot that we need to fix. And as for people living in the mental health world leads to unstable friendships and relationships. It is thus now.

So on this Sunday morning as Mozart plays life feels confused. That said though I'm infinitely better off than I was a few years ago, or even 18 months ago. Problems can be overcome. What's harder is overcoming my anxiety. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Progress Royal and Progress Slow.

As the extraordinary pageant of a Royal funeral and accession of King continues to unfold I'm still stunned. The King is on his progress as a medieval King might have done. He has visited all the countries of his realm in these Isles with dignity  humility and stamina. I have been impressed. 

The days tick by until Monday when we will say goodbye to our extraordinary late Monarch. Our country goes through the passing that we all knew was coming but none of us would know how it would proceed. 

The lives of the great and good are far removed from my little life. No work today as I have a new router being installed this afternoon. 

I won't worried but have stabilised since. I did food shopping, ordered my medication and dropped off a letter at the estate agent. Still not completed yet on the flat.

My shopping trip took a while. Lots of older people in Waitrose going slowly. That's what I remember of the last years of mum's life. Slowing down rapidly. 

The afternoon is wait and see. Lunch shortly, a fig and mojame salad with walnuts and a sherry vinegar dressing. I have sardines, prawns and veal steak to cook in the coming days. Even when I struggle I try to keep cooking. 

Having really laboured over last weekend about my many failings this week has been much better than expected. We'll see what tomorrow brings. 

Take care.

I Heard a Voice. 

A King, a Full Moon and a New Era.

On Thursday our world changed. The second Elizabethan era ended. The country is in mourning, in shock, in uncertainty. 

King Charles III was proclaimed this morning. What do I feel? A sense of loss, a fear of change and worry that not only the country's world is unravelling but mine too.

Life feels tough. Desperately tired too. I had forgotten how hard the start of term is. Emotions ran high this week so we must all switch off and prepare to ground and reset ourselves next week. 

So often I reflect and ruminate on my many failings. In the grand scheme of things I'm inconsequential. 

Coinciding with this momentous week was a glorious full moon the day we lost the Queen. Nature is a thing of awe, to be beholden by us mere mortals. In this time when I feel vulnerable I will take comfort from nature.

Please look after yourselves in these bleak feeling times.

I Heard a Voice. 

Cracked Mirror.

Many people say amazing things about me. They respect my work, my compassion and my wisdom. My consultant asked me in  January what people would say if he asked my friends how they view me? Most would say amazing. Or inspirational. 

So why is it on this grey but mild September day that all I do is see the flaws? If I look in the mirror I see distortion, cracks and fog. Is my self esteem really that low?

Today I feel tired, scared and lonely. A woman I once worked with said to me that living with depression is like being in a glass box. She could hear and see the world but they couldn't hear her nor could she touch them. And she was surrounded by a loving family.

My demons are abroad today. They haunt me and make my mind teem with negativity. My friend Charlotte always sticks her tongue out at me whenever I say something kind.

The world sees us one way and we see us another. 

I'm speaking to a wise man I  an hour or so, hope it helps. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Pressure Off.

Although I've been off since Friday 19th it took some time to decompress from work. Now, the pressure is finally off and I've had two anxiety free days.

That is always needed. On an overcast but mild Sunday afternoon I'm listening to Tosca and doing some reading. 

My return journey from Kent was uneventful. Trains ran OK and I was home by lunchtime on Friday. Good to see so many friends. But I could have done without the anxiety. 

Next week will be busy. Occupied by domestic stuff tomorrow...defrosting the freezer is an awful job. Tuesday brings my birthday and Miriam visiting. Hope to fit in a trip to Borough Market. Friday brings my school friend Ernest to town. 

Hope to fit in a video call to my retired therapist Peter one afternoon. 

That said I never really stop working. I continue to support the daughter of a Cambridge friend who has been struggling with her mental health. Also to support another Cambridge friend who just lost a relative to suicide. Thus us the world of mental health. 

There will be roast beef and horseradish for dinner. A while since I cooked beef on a Sunday.

If you're UK based enjoy the Bank Holiday tomorrow. Until next time. 

I Heard a Voice. 

At the Setting of the Sun.

I watched the sun set over the beach last night. Not in its complete cycle rather frame by frame every 20 minutes or so. The kaleidoscopic ofcolour was amazing. Dad, Beka and I were at The Waterfront restaurant having an early birthday dinner. Next Tuesday I turn 53.

Where have those years gone? People now seem to view me as suave, cultured and sophisticated. I've felt pretty distinguished since turning 50.

On an overcast but mild morning we buried Beka's mum today. I've known Beka since 1995. I gave her away at her wedding. And I have joint power of attorney on her estate. I will be busy signing documents in the coming weeks. 

Tomorrow morning I go home. Another week left on my holiday and I eventually switched off from work. 

I will cook for dad, bought some lovely sardines which I will butterfly and grill and serve with new potatoes and a tomato, shallot and parsley salad. My reintroduction to fish continues; last night I had oysters and hake. 

Take care out there in the world. 

I Heard a Voice. 

The Sea Beckons.

The sun is shining, the air is warm and wispy clouds mark the skies. Down by the sea it is peaceful and pleasant. 

Yes I have escaped for my annual summer holiday. I got down yesterday afternoon and am staying until Friday. Dad is on good form. 

Despite having left work at 5 pm on Friday I still haven't managed to decompress. The last few months have been hard there. My confidence is dented and at times I flounder. But I am happier. 

A year ago today my life took a seismic shift when I was appointed to my job. Optimism and fear pervaded the next couple of months when I handed in my notice. Fear has haunted me much of my life. 

Not everything has gone right. And I dwell and ruminate on that. But I have done some good.

The sea always draws me back so I head for the beach shortly. I'll enjoy the sun, marvel at the waves, smells the sea and hear to sounds of seagulls. 

Until next time. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Opera on Holiday.

Greetings all on this overcast Sunday. The heat has dissipated but there's little sign of rain. The grass is parched and the trees are fruiting early and leaves already turning brown and falling. 

My holiday is finally here. The challenges continued right up to my last hour of work on Friday. Yet I will persist a day at a time. 

As it my wont I'm listening to Turandot and reading this morning. No big plans today but tomorrow I'm heading down to Kent to spend time with my dad and to go to a funeral. 

My original plan was to travel yesterday but the trains were on strike. As the cost of living rockets more and more industries are striking. And I can't see it stopping any time soon. We live in an uncertain age.

Mentally the anxiety is ever lurking. At times I feel very lonely and isolated. People I've relied on for emotional support in the last year or so are rarely heard from now. I continue to support a lot of people away from work but getting that for me is not as given.

Moodwise I think I'm OK. Tuesday week I will turn 53. Miriam will take me out for lunch. Hopefully also have an early birthday lunch with dad too by the seaside. 

I miss the sea but tomorrow we will be reunited. 

Enjoy your Sunday everyone. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Heavens Opening.

After so many weeks of searing heat the rains finally came today. And the heavens opened. I managed to escape the worst of it, no floods driving home, no lightning to knock out the power and I didn't get too wet going to the shop. 

I relish the cooler temperatures on this Wednesday opera night. Mozart's Lucio Silla is my opera of choice. Steak and chips...Steak was awful...and a very small glass of Rioja. 

On a day of unexpected events I'm reflecting on what was and what might be. But I hope we have a less confrontational way of going forward. I hate confrontation and anger, had too much of that when mum was alive. 

Thinking back to March when covid kicked off an avalanche of fear, anxiety, bewilderment and loss it has been a hard road. I felt very vulnerable last night. Less so tonight. 

Just because people don't always reciprocate when I need something is not a reason for me to stop trying to help people. So many do help me though. Just that in my world friendships and relationships can be very unstable. I find it so hard losing people.

At my most cynical I might say they are only lost until they need something. But I will set that aside.

I will battle one day at a time. And with that comes progress.

I Heard a Voice. 

Resistance in the Sun.

Greetings on this blisteringly hot Saturday afternoon. Once again we reach the weekend and once again we're in the middle of a heatwave.

Looking at the world it seems a time of war, pestilence, famine and man made destruction. Who could have seen this even three years ago. 

A state of drought has been declared in many parts of the UK. People are desperately worried about the cost of living. I'm in a position to hopefully ride out the storm but many are not.

Reflecting on my own it has been pretty unstable since March. Covid, people walking away, work then facing homelessness. 

Yet thanks to Great support from friends and family I'm still fighting on. Facing something similar in 2018 I crumbled into a deep state of depression and severe anxiety. 

Today I'm at the end of another week. Not without problems but not being attacked as sometimes happens.

My weekend is quiet, many of my friends have gone camping. I'm staying home. I did shop for food. I resisted the lure of another Cookbook. And I picked up a spare contact lens.

Tomorrow I will do roast chicken. Not had it for some time. 

A week today I will be on holiday, hurrah!

I Heard a Voice.

Shaken Thrice

Once again Sunday is upon us. And for the third Sunday in a row it is accompanied by chronic shaking. My anxiety has been simmering since a Friday setback. That day I paid the price of medication leaving me in a state of confusion. 

Tomorrow I must go back and pick up what I left off. It feels difficult to judge how I'm doing, conflicting messages are precisely that.

As surely as the morrow will come I must enjoy this sunny day of rest. The Magic Flute accompanies my morning, I have read the paper and I'm looking forward to cooking roast belly pork for dinner. 

Miriam and Nigel went to Glyndebourne in the week then drove on over to Kent to spend the weekend with dad. Beka joined them for a curry last night. 

With luck I too should be in Kent in a couple of weeks. Be lovely to see the sea again. Let's just hope the fear doesn't follow me down there. Can't have my holiday spoilt by irrationally ridiculous anxiety. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Cloaked in Grey.

It is a grey and humid day here. The clouds have enveloped us and maybe there will be rain. The summer has been very dry here and high temperatures have parched the grass. Talk is in the air about a hosepipe ban. That won't affect me but will many.

The country has suddenly woken up to the brilliance of women's football and at 5 pm the country will be roaring on the Lionesses at Wembley. It has taken so long for well deserved respect for women's sport.

Over the last few years at the university I worked with half a dozen top class athletes both women and men. For all their brilliance they all struggled to cope with the pressure. One potential Olympian said there is only one way to go after winning a gold medal. 

When I was younger sport was my escape from music. I was infinitely more talented in the latter rather than the former. But it served its purpose. 

Back in small world I inhabit I had a much better week. The anxiety is at bay although the shakiness was in evidence today. 

As is my wont on a Sunday morning I'm listening to Verdi's Rigoletto and reading. Lunch will be soon, a halloumi and grape salad with lemon juice and oregano. Then tonight roast turkey. 

Three weeks remain before my summer holiday. Planned rail strikes will disrupt me somewhat but I will make it to Kent to see my dad and walk along the beach. 

Have a lovely Sunday everyone. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Crashing Waves.

It is Sunday lunchtime, the sun is shining and I'm listening to Mozart opera. After the week that just happened I'm not sure where to start. Or whether even to post.

As we approach the 12th anniversary of me launching this blog I'm not sure I should carry on. Readers are few and far between. I worry I'm too negative. And I worry quite where or what my mental health has become. 

Since finding the salvation of Risperidone on 2001 it felt my battle was almost won. Two books later the war goes on. I didn't expect the pernicious scourge of anxiety to get quite so bad.

Wracked with self doubt and a life long belief that I'm not good enough. But good enough for what?

People sometimes call me inspirational. Others call me life saving. To me I've just seen many things. Yet for all I have achieved it is never enough. 

On a week where the temperature record in UK was broken twice in quick succession I did not exactly cover myself in glory. But I didn't expect the tidal wave that engulfed me on Thursday. 

That age old good or bad, brilliant or a failure thinking that blights so many who live in the mental health world dealt me another hammer blow.

I've been ruminating for several days. Now on this sunny afternoon my mind is no longer racing but I'm left with a terrible sense of what my future holds. And that plays havoc with the anxious mind.

Yet I will bounce back. As I said the sun is shining, it's payday tomorrow and my summer holiday is approaching. I'll settle for that after Thursday.

I Heard a Voice.  

Steaming Hot.

Greetings on this Sunday afternoon in England. The temperatures are rising, the humidity building. Tomorrow we will hit a record 40°.

I'm staying in listening to Puccini. I've been very shaky but otherwise OK. 

Last week was uneven, terrible anxiety for four days.

Brought on by poor sleep, obsessional work worries and dreams and overdoing it supporting too many people too much.

On a steadier trajectory now after some time off.

I'm a little apprehensive of next week but I will get through. 

Certainly need my summer break. Still a few weeks to go before I switch off the laptop at 5 pm on Friday 19th August for my long awaited rest.

Despite the heat roast lamb is on the menu with home made mint sauce. 

Take care in the hear and enjoy your Sunday. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Too Early to Wake.

The sun is shining, the opera is playing and I should be relaxed. Sundays are for relaxing. Yet today I'm tired, full of self doubt and dreading tomorrow. 

What brought this on is obvious and not obvious. Waking early full of anxiety is always a recipe for disaster. Each morning for the last week I have woken early worrying about work. But why? It's going well according to most sources. Just not my own view. If I can overthink I will. 

Looking from another angle it may be little surprise given that four people connected one way or another to my life are having significant mental health issues. Two have been detained. The other two probably will be too. 

Keep in mind I never say no but I need to take time out. It's not that my mood is dipping. More that I'm doing too much.  Need to slow down. 

There will be a little respite as I have some time off this week. Must promise myself to use it wisely. 

Back to today though I must summon up motivation, have to cook lunch. Have a sea bream fillet for lunch and roast gammon for dinner. Hope that helps. 

I Heard a Voice 

No Longer Under Siege

Hello out there. Assuming anyone is out there? It is a mild but overcast Saturday afternoon in July. I'm home with the cricket on and will shortly get going on shin of beef in ale for my supper. 

I'm pretty tired after a really challenging couple of days and I didn't sleep well.

Yet I feel OK after a night of contemplation. Thursday brought out that old adrenaline of a crisis day. I had to take control when no one was answering the phone and I had to act.

It was exhausting but we did what we needed to do. In my contemplation that evening I realised that every day was like that at the university. Being under siege for 14 years took it's toll on me.

Now I know I can still do it but it is rare. I'm relieved about that.

The weekend will be quiet, I've shopped, I've washed and I've cleaned. Now to the kitchen. 

Have a great weekend. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Words to Humble Me.

So much of my life is underpinned by self doubt, self fear and self criticism. Those terrible anxious dreams that once again cut my sleep have left me unsettled on this beautiful summer day.

Yet I take heart from those around me who praise me, are inspired by me and supported by me. I am humbled by what people say.

The past few weeks when I've been away from my largely unnoticed online presence there has been a lot of praise and gratitude for what I do for others. 

Later today I must go into battle once again for an old friend facing the darkest of outcomes for her family. In 2017 when dad was so desperately ill she came through for me at 3 am. Now I can reciprocate. 

On this Sunday I plan to do little the rest of the time. I'm listening to Carmen, I'm reading and I will cook roast beef later. Maybe also a walk in the woods.

Enjoy your Sunday if you should stumble across this post.

I Heard a Voice. 

Rain Stops Play.

The drizzle falls outside. It is cold. And it is grey. After a mainly glorious long weekend to celebrate the Queen's platinum jubilee it has turned into an underwhelming end.

Once again I'm reminded just how quickly the weekend goes even when it has an extra two days.

My sleep has been interrupted during the break by obsessional worries about work. Last time I worked it was a day of meetings,  contradictory messages and doubt. What will tomorrow bring?

That aside I've had a pretty good time. My friend Charlotte came to visit on Wednesday. Hadn't seen her since August. We had a lovely Turkish dinner then stayed up late drinking Medoc. Getting a bit too old for really late ones.

The pub had a jubilee party on Friday and yesterday we attended my friend Mel's 50th birthday party. So a pretty hectic few days.

So today I'm taking things gently, quietly and slowly. Mozart plays, I've done some reading. 

Later I will turn to dinner, slow roast shoulder of lamb today. 

Enjoy your Sunday everyone!

I Heard a Voice. 

Awaiting the Postman.

Once upon a time I used to write a lot of letters. With no Internet or texting, no e mail and no mobile phone that was what people did. I have a box on my desk filled with letters. The fateful journey that drove me into madness is recorded letter by letter in there.

Nearly 32 years later I can't remember when I last received a personal letter.  Neither have I written one. All those years of medication and the shakiness that brings has more or less destroyed my ability to write by hand. Oh what the world might be, fun to remember but we can never go back there.

Yet there is a very important letter somewhere in transit. Not to me but to my dad. The last two pieces of the puzzle of my imminent home ownership future is held up in the post.

Please Mr Postman, hurry up!

On this sunny Sunday afternoon though I can do nothing about that. All I can do is listen to Mozart, stay hydrated and contemplate roast pork later. Sarah is coming round for that 

This weekend has been a bit out of kilter. Both my plans for yesterday were thwarted. One by someone else's search for a property and the other by someone having a close exposure to covid. So no lunch with another Sarah and no visit from Charlotte. 

I'm not downhearted though. There will always be another day and another weekend. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Beethoven on a Sunday Afternoon.

Hello from a mild but rather grey Hertfordshire. It is Sunday afternoon and thus far the day has been uneventful. I'm listening to a wonderful recording of Beethoven's Violin Sonatas and contemplating how fast the weekend has gone.

My week was mixed as I had something of an upset stomach on Tuesday. Infection control protocol required me to stay away from the office for three days. Although not feeling great I did manage to work from home.

Feeling better on Friday my long awaited return to presenting to a year 3 class occurred. And by all counts I triumphed.  That was a boost. 

Also last week I put in an offer on my flat. The agent has been away so no word yet but fingers crossed. 

On a glorious sunny and warm Saturday I met my friend Katherine and her little boy William and we went to a food festival. It was heaving but we had a lovely afternoon. 

Back to reality tomorrow. Can I carry over my good end to the week on into Monday?

Before then though there will be roast beef, looking forward to that.

I Heard a Voice. 

Stepping Forward.

Well May has definitely improved since my last post. Outside is glorious sunshine and brilliant blue sky.

You find me on Sunday afternoon tired but well. I really must not talk to friends until 3 am if I'm going to function for the upcoming week. 

The week that beckons will not be without its challenges. I have a meeting with my manager tomorrow...after last time I'm certainly not looking forward to that one.

I will also speak to the estate agent. I'm now in a position to make an offer. A late complication cropped up yesterday when I discovered the freeholder is redecorating and doing some work which I will be liable for. Funny how this was never mentioned by the owner or agent; even when I raised it. So that will drop the offer price.

For now though tomorrow can wait. I'm listening to Handel's Saul and have read the paper. 

Must have some lunch soon followed by a walk in the sunshine. Then at 4 pm a beautiful piece of belly pork will go in the oven. I will season it with thyme, sage and salt and serve it with roast potatoes, carrots, tenderstem broccoli and peas, some gravy and a little apple sauce. 

Have a good Sunday everyone and hope your working week goes well.

I Heard a Voice. 

Grey May.

On a very grey May Day I'm here to say hello. Around the world people celebrate this day. Sadly I'm in no mood for celebration. 

My life has spiralled since I was last on here. Just over a week ago the estate agent that manages my flat called out of the blue saying it is to sold. That blew my mind, overwhelmed my capacity to think and unleashed the most terrible anxiety. 

Family and friends are rallying round in these dark times. It helps but doesn't take away that awful sense of dread. 

We're working on a plan to try to buy it. God it's grown up thinking like that. I never believed I'd own a home. Maybe it won't come off but we will try.

I did make it to work last week but it was very hard. With the long weekend I don't have to worry about that until Tuesday. 

There is nothing I can do today so will try to live in the now. My lovely friend Ros always espouses the power of mindfulness. Can I keep going with that?

Mozart plays, roast chicken awaits and I must focus on that.

I Heard a Voice. 

Age Old Doubt.

My holiday is drifting towards its inevitable conclusion. All too quickly. There have been good times but a lot has gone wrong. In fact yesterday nothing went right.

There followed a terrible night of insomnia interrupted by short periods of sleep and awful dreams. All my doubts and fears have been revisited.

Looking back over the last six weeks my fearful being has been battered again and again. The way one bad thing follows another, then another. 

This has left me feeling pretty vulnerable. I'm constantly overthinking and my long learned lessons and techniques to master mental instability do not seem to be working. 

Glimpses of good do appear sometimes. That helps but they are often fleeting. Keeping occupied is usually a good strategy. Indeed I have done some cleaning since I got home on Tuesday. Little triumphs.

What if questions plagued my life for too long. I thought I'd beaten that with Risperidone. Yet today and in recent days it is very evident. 

My many friends are trying to reassure me but feeling depressed always makes me feel worthless. And that doubt, terrible doubt.

I'm hoping today's plan comes off. A trip to Misya this evening with my barrister friend Mark. And tomorrow I get to have a "blather' with my now retired therapist. He's always wise.

I Heard a Voice. 

People of Faith.

I don't recall in my lifetime Easter, Passover and Ramadan all at the same time. The three great monotheistic faiths celebrating together. Oh that peace would follow. 

My admiration for the chaplaincy at the University was based partly on friendship and partly because Allan and his successor Fiona promoted it as being for all faiths and none.

Our team in the new job have people of faith and of none. As I've worked my way through the appraisal process in recent weeks I have celebrated our diversity. 

That Easter hasn't exactly gone to plan is a given, rarely do things run smoothly when I'm with dad. Him suddenly announcing yesterday that he is playing bowls this afternoon blew a away my long laid plan for Easter lunch. Caught between that and a guest having an evening appointment at hospital left me angry and despairing. 

We will get our roast beef but not until this evening; her appointment was postponed. My fear is though that I'm getting as anxious as my mum was.

A couple of weeks on from my mental downturn I still haven't resolved things in my mind. And though off next week my perceived failings at work are making me worry.

Why would I do that? Why does anxiety so cripple me after four years of therapy?

Prevail though I will, just need to take it one day at a time.

To all my Muslim, Jewish and Christian friends I wish you well in this holiest of times. And to all of other faiths or none a message of peace and happiness.

I Heard a Voice. 

Sunshine and Seagulls.

Greetings on this beautiful spring day! The sun has been shining, the air was warm and the seagulls as loud as they ever were.

After a near four month break I have returned to the seaside to visit my dad. The journey wasn't brilliant but here in reasonable time. Glad I didn't drive seeing the state of the lorry park on the M20 as I passed on the train. 

Although not many people are reading at the moment some may be wondering how I am. My last two posts reflect how battered and bruised I was for a while. Things are a little better now although for the life of me I  cannot fathom just what happened in that time.

The age old doubt, fear and anxiety remain lurking below the surface on what otherwise looks like normal life.

Mentally I'm neither depressed nor manic, I just am. Someone once said "no man is an island". However much I run from the world when life is not good I'm still reliant on others. Especially for emotional succour. And when people walk away with little or no explanation it is hard.

I heard something interesting yesterday from a woman I have met a couple of times who openly espouses her diagnosis of BPD decrying why the label has been changed to emotionally unstable personality disorder ask the question "what emotion is stable?" I've not thought of it like that and she is right. 

The myths and lies told about me in 1990s have now been debunked. It only took 30 years. But I am just as vulnerable to the terrible emotion of loss as anyone else is. Who wouldn't struggle as I did in the last few weeks?

Yet I will enjoy the sea, the sun, the people and the cooking over this most important of holidays. To have a longer break is definitely needed.

I Heard a Voice. 

No One Noticed.

The sun is shining but there is a chill in the air on this late Sunday morning. April is here but it feels more like September. 

You find me listening to Handel's opera Acis and Galatea trying to make sense of the last ten days or so.

All those years ago when mental illness grabbed me in an iron fist no one noticed. Maybe I'm good at hiding it. To me it felt like no one cared. Back then it nearly destroyed me completely. It did take away all I believed in but I survived. 

Dealing with people walking away from my life has always troubled me. In truth only someone with no compassion and empathy would feel nothing in those circumstances. 

Yesterday after a second person in ten days walked away no one noticed. I sat in the pub surrounded by my friends but they seemed to barely notice.

I needed them last night but no one came. A day on it has a feeling of the morning after.

Experience tells me it will take 48 hours before people come looking for me. 

So all I can do is enjoy my lunch at The Waggoners, my opera and my reading. The emotion will sort itself out, I just need to give it a little bit of time. 

Slamming the Door.

On a beautiful sunny spring afternoon I'm at home trying to make sense of the last few days.

Calls, letters and messages that come completely out of the blue have always made me struggle. Especially when someone is slamming the door on my life.

Who wouldn't struggle as a compassionate caring person to be effectively told to fuck off? Relationships of course, that why I stay single, but also friends. More troubling is never knowing why.

Two communications have come in three days. Not both saying fuck off but really from the battering of the first to have another incredibly difficult conversation has made me feel quite vulnerable today.

Vulnerable is not a word many would apply to me but when mentally down that is exactly how I feel.

I will never get an answer to what happened nearly 32 years ago when someone walked out of my life with no word of explanation that cast into the free fall of madness. I still have no answers on that but mainly I don't ask the what if questions. 

With Mother's Day tomorrow and the anniversary of my mum's death on Monday being me doesn't feel good at the moment. 

I will bounce back but right now it hurts. Let us hope the salvation of my kitchen tonight will help. But please think of me in the coming days. 

I Heard a Voice. 

On the Eighth Day.

On a day of pouring rain and gloom I remain stuck at home with covid. The eighth day has seen some improvement but nowhere near 100%. I did manage the washing and some cleaning so achieved something. 

I had hoped by now to be out and about but will take a little longer. Perhaps I will test again tomorrow. 

Mentally I'm holding up quite well. There are anxious dreams, I have the disappointment of not making it to Kent today but mood feels good. 

Shortly I will listen to Choral Evensong on Radio 3. Always fun to listen to. This week a recording from Truro cathedral. 

The cooking adventure continues with a pork chop with shallot and sage in a cider sauce. Much as I love my kitchen and my cooking I really do look forward to eating out when the virus goes. 

Hopefully tomorrow it will be gone.

I Heard a Voice  

Taking it for Granted.

It's amazing how much we take for granted in life. Well at least if one has the money to pay for convenience. You find me on day 5 of covid. It's raining out but not sure what else is going on, haven't been out for 3 days.

Just popping to the shop around the corner from my flat has sometimes been a twice daily occurrence until no longer possible. Even during lockdown I could still shop.

Now I'm totally reliant on the kindness of my friends and neighbours. And now I'm realising we don't think or worry too much about supplies being low. Also just how much I spend on myself, good food and good wine.

The virus symptoms themselves seem to be evolving each day. Yesterday I had back pain, a cough and exhaustion. Today I ache all over and the cough is worse.

Looking back though aside from the terrible first 48 hours when I was wracked by fever it seems less severe than when I last had flu over New Year 1998/1999. Then I hallucinated night and day for a week and lost 3/4 stone in weight. 

Of huge comfort to me though is that I can still taste and smell. Despite the huge effort it takes I'm still cooking. And cooking well. Thoughts of roast beef excite me in painful times.

I'm listening to Don Giovanni as I write. Also as I write war rages in the east, many are dying and have no chance to take anything for granted. As I've said before I wish for peace and my thoughts are with all the victims of war.

Enjoy your Sunday. We will see what covid has in stall for me tomorrow. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Covid Strikes

Greetings out there. Some time has gone by since I last spoke to anyone on here. For that please accept my sincerest apologies. 

You find me stuck at home on a grey afternoon three days into covid. Having led a charmed and lucky life for the last two years the virus struck me on Wednesday. 

It was quite odd in that my first symptom was a very sore back. As I was going through health and safety training at work including chairs and posture and given I have a new chair that I don't know how to adjust I assumed it was that.

Then a terrible night of fever, intense headache and continued back pain. I barely slept and felt terrible. After e mailing my manager to say I wasn't coming in I did a test and as I feared it was positive. 

Last night I slept better and the fever seems to have broken. A sore throat is replacing it and my head and back still hurt but it is manageable today. 

The worst thing though is I'm forced to stay home and not travel to Kent for dad's birthday. Just didn't seem worth the risk even if I test negative 

A PCR test is ready to do this afternoon then just have to sit it out.

On a wider view the world seems a frightening and dangerous place as war rages in Ukraine. I only know what Western journalism tells me and I know the broadcasts in Russia are very different. But I wish for peace for everyone's sake regardless of nationality, creed or agenda.

Take care out there.

I Heard a Voice. 

Sunshine on Dark Days.

As the world grapples with war and the news is bleak all I can do is be thankful for small mercies. I will not make political comment on here, I have readers from many countries but I will say is that war is terrible and too many people die.

In my small part of the world the sun is shining and my mood is bright. A little too elevated I fear but I will enjoy it while I can.

Today I have shopped, topped up my car, did washing and cleaning, a covid test and there is rolled and stuffed breast of lamb slow roasting in the oven.

This was courtesy of The Farm Shop at Smallford. Not been there for ages as my work is little too far to go at lunchtime and with extra driving due to more office time I don't really want to venture far on a Saturday. 

Talking of work it is going well. The staff I manage seem to think I'm going great. They are too. So important to maintain high morale. This was tragically lacking at the university. I do get tired though. 

I did think of posting last week after the great storm. I stayed indoors but against advice dad decided to venture out to aid the community. Blown over he gashed his head and lost his glasses. After 11 hours in hospital he got home badly shaken and with 3 stitches. But he on the mend.

Stay safe in this scary world. 

I Heard a Voice  

In the Depths of the Fens

Greetings from the cold and windy fens. As is something of a tradition I am visiting Miriam and Nigel for Super Bowl weekend. 

My beloved Rams take on the Bengals tonight in their home stadium to fight for Super Bowl LVI.

After what at times was a tough week it is good to be away.

Friday was very difficult. I got hopelessly lost in my car in the morning. Then in a break between meetings in the afternoon I was accosted by a very intelligent but hostile and aggressive homeless man. Whilst I like talking to people sometimes the streets make me anxious and I just want to go unnoticed. 

Eventually I escaped him but it left me feeling pretty vulnerable.

But it's Sunday, I'm off on Monday and Friday with working from home in between. 

Lunch will be at The Maid's Head in Wicken with an old friend. Perhaps a walk after. Then a late one watching the game. 

Have a wonderful Sunday all.

I Heard a Voice. 

Promising Week Turned Sour.

Had I come on here to write on Thursday things would have been optimistic and good. Slowly but surely I am getting to grips with the job. I had bought some wonderful produce from a newly discovered fishmongers in Hatfield Market. And I was looking forward to a long weekend with my friend Marie who was visiting from Kent. 

All was going swimmingly until I slept poorly on Friday night and came down with an upset stomach on Saturday. By Sunday morning I was crippled by anxiety and my stomach was still doing cartwheels. 

Add in overcooked rack of lamb and the optimism of last week has evaporated. 

That it is a temporary setback I have no doubt. Just a shame that a promising long weekend has been marred by malady.

Yet it being Sunday there is opera. The Rams take on the hated 49ers in the NFC Championship Game tonight, too late for me to watch as I'm working tomorrow. But a victory will go a long way towards righting my ship.

The week ahead will come one day at a time. And I intend to thrive if I can. I have my final therapy session on Wednesday. It will be a shame to say goodbye but he has indicated he wants to stay in touch. All the greatest practitioners are mavericks and break the rules. Therapy is a human interaction not a boundaried inhuman exchange that suits the needs of the therapist more than the needs of the individual. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Stalked by Fear and Doubt.

It is never good to wake up early and be battered by fear and self doubt. That is what happened to me at 8 am today. Not pleasant at all.

Thinking back though to Friday, a late unscheduled meeting over a computer screen I struggled to read was never going to end well. Thus my awful start to the day.

Trying to rescue something and stabilise things I thought back to last night. I was not at work but I worked.

Confronted by one close friend on a video call with a ligature round her neck and a dying battery then another friend reeling from the news that his sister only has two months left to left it was hard not to go into work mode.

I think I did well. So why can't I rid myself of this terrible fear that haunts me like a spectre?

In therapy on Wednesday I made a sudden connection that it had made a difference. That other spectre of guilt is now partially under control. And that is a good thing. 

Feeling a little more stable now. The belly pork is going in the oven at 4 pm and I am thankful for all that is good in my life.

I Heard a Voice. 

That Day is Coming.

Had she lived my mum would be turning 90 this coming Wednesday. Can it really be a decade since she died? It was something of a jolt that hit me when I realised and that we are all getting old 

My relationship with her was fraught much of my later life. She was difficult, angry and challenging much of the time but I try to remember how the children liked to see her as a governor of St Peter's primary school in Folkestone. Once a week I would drive her over there and we would teach the children to read.

19th January is always a day of reflection and asking what if. I tried to help as she deteriorated mentally and physically but she always thought she was right and I could do nothing for her.

Back in my little world it is a grey day. The winter sun that pervaded much of the week has given way to January greyness. So too the freezing temperatures. So cold in the week I couldn't even get the key in my car door.

I'm exactly two months into my new job. I'm still struggling with a lot but so are all the other new managers. So will get extra training. 

Covid has not helped as three of our team plus my manager have gone down with it and people are anxious. Hard to manage that.

That can wait though. I'm home now just relaxing. I double booked myself tonight so had to turn down a party invitation. Instead I will join my friend Zoe for her birthday. 

Steak coming up tonight then roast belly pork tomorrow. Enjoy your weekend everyone. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Good Things are Coming.

Happy New Year everyone! Welcome to 2022 and may it be great for you all.

It is both fun and odd to reflect on the last year for me. I started alone, defeated, burnt out and lacking in hope. Then came August. 

My life has been transformed by circumstances. What might have been had I not looked at LinkedIn that day? Firm in my belief I would never get a new job. Well at least one I could afford to live with. But it has happened. 

The old enemy of anxiety continues to haunt me especially when I sleep poorly as I did last night. The new job is hard and still overwhelming. But it's been less than two months, I learn a little more each working day and I'm much happier. 

The grey skies outside do not seem to want to go away. But there is light and optimism on my life which hasn't happened in a long time.

I Heard a Voice.