My holiday is drifting towards its inevitable conclusion. All too quickly. There have been good times but a lot has gone wrong. In fact yesterday nothing went right.
There followed a terrible night of insomnia interrupted by short periods of sleep and awful dreams. All my doubts and fears have been revisited.
Looking back over the last six weeks my fearful being has been battered again and again. The way one bad thing follows another, then another.
This has left me feeling pretty vulnerable. I'm constantly overthinking and my long learned lessons and techniques to master mental instability do not seem to be working.
Glimpses of good do appear sometimes. That helps but they are often fleeting. Keeping occupied is usually a good strategy. Indeed I have done some cleaning since I got home on Tuesday. Little triumphs.
What if questions plagued my life for too long. I thought I'd beaten that with Risperidone. Yet today and in recent days it is very evident.
My many friends are trying to reassure me but feeling depressed always makes me feel worthless. And that doubt, terrible doubt.
I'm hoping today's plan comes off. A trip to Misya this evening with my barrister friend Mark. And tomorrow I get to have a "blather' with my now retired therapist. He's always wise.
I Heard a Voice.
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