On a beautiful sunny spring afternoon I'm at home trying to make sense of the last few days.
Calls, letters and messages that come completely out of the blue have always made me struggle. Especially when someone is slamming the door on my life.
Who wouldn't struggle as a compassionate caring person to be effectively told to fuck off? Relationships of course, that why I stay single, but also friends. More troubling is never knowing why.
Two communications have come in three days. Not both saying fuck off but really from the battering of the first to have another incredibly difficult conversation has made me feel quite vulnerable today.
Vulnerable is not a word many would apply to me but when mentally down that is exactly how I feel.
I will never get an answer to what happened nearly 32 years ago when someone walked out of my life with no word of explanation that cast into the free fall of madness. I still have no answers on that but mainly I don't ask the what if questions.
With Mother's Day tomorrow and the anniversary of my mum's death on Monday being me doesn't feel good at the moment.
I will bounce back but right now it hurts. Let us hope the salvation of my kitchen tonight will help. But please think of me in the coming days.
I Heard a Voice.
I need to pour out my soul about my own painful circumstances,and I hope you don't mind. When I lose my Mum I will be cast into the "free fall" of stress-induced dementia. Therefore I can PAINFULLY identify with your grief about your Mum.
ReplyDeleteI still miss my dad 36 years later. He was a living saint! I cry for him every day. Losing my Mum will be even worse. Getting stress-induced dementia will be a blessing for me. It will be a blessing because then I will think she's alive in a nursing home in San Juan, Puerto Rico, where she is from. And I will think that my dad is at sea (he had planned to become a professional fisherman when he retired from his college professor job. He loved fishing very much.)
I'm a highly sensitive person and bouncing back doesn't ever work for me. I'm glad it works for you even though it doesn't work for me. (I hope that doesn't offend you, sir.)
My condolences to you about your Mum. Losing a mother is horrible even for an adult. I wish America was less individualistic and more interdependent! And more sensitive! Toughness is extremely overrated, IMO.