It is hard for me to describe how much I fear insomnia. Sleeplessness haunted me throughout my illness. That has been countered somewhat since going on Trimipramine 20 years ago on doses so high that most would not wake until the evening. The power of the sedation means I need to reduce the dose in the week to go to work.
You may recall my long sleep yesterday. Although I have been doing better mentally I have been tired. Some days there is a price to pay for sleeping late. Today is one of those. Tormented by insomnia and anxiety I barely slept last night. The biggest indicator of relapse is not sleeping. And so with each passing hour my anxiety grew.
A little after 7 am I gave up the ghost and abandoned the day. I hate taking time away but the levels of anxiety were so great I had to give in. It was no coincidence that my week 1 meltdown came the day after a night of no sleep.
Whether this is a portend of disaster or not I don't know. It has been a day of flat mood, listless thought and a sense of letting people down. And it is so grey out. I don't even feel like eating so have cancelled my planned dinner out with my friend James.
Let us hope tomorrow brings a rising of mood, a lessening of anxiety and an increase in motivation. An aberration of illness is okay to manage as long as it is just that, a passing day in many.
I Heard a Voice.
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