As the black of night descends on my part of the world the wind is howling and the rain brewing. Whilst other part of the UK were hit by storms last week where I live is being struck for the first time. Is this the first sign of winter?
My life seems to teeter on the edge of a mental winter. I have tried to work this week but was sent home early today. They told me to take tomorrow off. My musings are decidedly odd at the moment. My thoughts are not raging as they usually do. I feel very heavily medicated despite being on my normal working levels. The plan is to see my GP tomorrow-they tell me he has some slots if I ring after midnight. If he tells me to take time away I will feel like it is a defeat. Can one lose at mental health? After so many years in the main winning when the madness fights back I always feel I have been defeated.
People have been hugely supportive which is great. I never expect that. My friend was laid to rest yesterday. It's not a phrase I use but I'm ashamed to say I do not know whether he was buried or cremated. Just as I feel ashamed it is so many years since I saw him. Another thing to beat myself up over.
Will a rest help? If so can I manage the inevitable mental desert I will face if I max up the pills? That is the swiftest way to right myself. I guess I will see what my Doctor says. He usually lets me decide but he has been known to order me to stop when I wanted to battle on. The fear of how much worse things could get will inevitably guide his guidance. Let us hope I can get a slot.
I Heard a Voice.
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