Once again on a dull grey autumn day I find myself alone at home. It was another bad night. Almost wrote a post at 4 am. When it got to time to get up I couldn't. So again I abandoned the day and tried to get my precious sleep at the wrong time.
Whilst I made it up earlier than yesterday I'm still flat, detached and anxious. The usual guilt of not working is adding to my anxiety. But what would I achieve if I went in? Tomorrow I'm supposed to be teaching and have done no preparation. I'm not up to doing it now. So do I make a decision on that today on the basis that tomorrow may be bad?
A couple of my most disturbed students over the years have gone into complete day night reversal. I have never gone that far but I feel part the way there now. The question is how do I stop it? In truth I need to make a decision on medication consumption. The right thing to do is increase for a few days but that would sacrifice those days. If so do I empty my mind and enter that pale nether world I fear so much? If I do nothing and things get worse I will be forced into doing that. Not much of a choice is it?
I am lucky that my mental illness is under control most of the time. But when it goes it goes. Am I there yet? I'm on the cusp. In a way I'm surprised it didn't happen before. All the signs have been there. Yet I fought on. Once the sleep is sorted then maybe I will be back in control. May it happen more quickly than I fear.
I Heard a Voice.
No comments:
Post a Comment