Is there any way of stopping feeling fraudulent and guilty when one is depressed? My re-entry into that world of low depressed guilt is now in its third day. It has not been quite so grey out today but that empty detached feeling continues. I'm dead tired but sleep remains hard to come by at the right time. People tell me I'm right to stay off when like this yet all I feel is that I'm letting people down and conning them.
Thus far I have resisted the increased medication. Fight on as best I can despite that foolish thought that all around me think I'm making it up. For all those years I lived as that man who did nothing because he was mad. Now I do a lot but not all the time. Is it so wrong to need a few days away? Probably not but all the same it hurts.
To fill my afternoon I'm guiltily listening to Handel's Sosarme, Re Di Media. It seems I'm not alone in my setback, both Dory and Hannah are also battling the same demons at the moment. I must still eat though so I'm braising a ham in cider which I will later stud with cloves and glaze with demerara sugar and mustard. My appetite diminishes when I'm like this but I usually manage to eat something.
What will tomorrow bring? An upturn I hope. I tried and failed to get a Doctor appointment today, do I try again for tomorrow? Maybe I will feel better. In the meantime I fight the emptiness and slowing of time for I know I will right myself sooner or later. A weekend with dad is looming, a change of scene will be most welcome.
I Heard a Voice.
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