A Final Post.

If there is a way to good sleep surely it is spending a long leisurely lunch with my good friends Dory and Sarah, laughing, eating, drinking and catching up. A gentle day led to better sleep. It was fun.

The morning always comes though and whilst I slept on the day has been flat and detached. I'm not sure why. I don't feel like cooking although I have invited a friend. I can't settle on much, Beethoven's C Minor Mass mainly passed beyond my listening. A touch of the NFL failed to interest me. Now it is nature programmes with which to move on through the hours.

This is my final post of 2015. What a storm that year has been. Not exactly my best. Yet there were good times. I graduated. I saw Madrid and Toledo up close. I met new friends. And I survived. I do not feel back to my best yet. Will I ever get back or do I need to make those changes Sarah suggested yesterday? Probably both. Change has come but not much has gone in my favour in the day job. On Wednesday I must return. Taking Peter's advice that it is just a job and keep it separate will be my challenge for 2016.

I will see in the New Year as I have the last few years with my friends in The Hedgehog. May you all have a wonderful night and prosperous 2016.

More Than a Decade.

I can't quite remember when I last went to the cinema. I had thought it was to Return of the King in I think 2003. Then it crossed my mind that I took a load of service users to an awful disaster movie that might have been the following year. Whichever is right I don't suppose many people go more than a decade between trips to the cinema.

That all changed today when I first attended the rather quaint cinema in the town I call home to watch Star Wars-The Force Awakens. It was a very enjoyable afternoon although the 3D glasses took a bit of getting used to.

When I got up earlier I was in two minds whether to go or not. My throat was sore, I was congested and coughing a lot. I didn't really want to spread anything nor interrupt people's viewing by the noise. Several hours later and the film complete I feel a little better.

What is it with me and New Year illness? Two years ago I woke on New Year's Day with whooping cough. Last year tonsillitis. This year I'm hoping it is a simple cold.

Mentally I think I'm okay. Dark thoughts of next week have not taken over yet. Tomorrow Dory will also be joining Sarah and me, she has asked for a trip to The Sun at Lemsford. I wonder if the same vain waiter will be there?

And now to a quiet evening. TV or Beethoven? I haven't decided yet.

I Heard a Voice.

A Plague of Locusts.

We're in the strange in between days with Christmas over and New Year to come. The University is always shut then so I get a fairly generous holiday. A year ago I was desperately trying to complete my final MSc assignment having little or no idea what was expected over me. A year older I have the letters MSc to add to my MA, I'm fatter and probably not wiser. The last couple of months haven't been easy, the deaths, the burnout, the uncertainty and that anxiety. As New Year approaches what awaits me?

On a lovely sunny day I went to town to check out the sales and to fill up my fridge with food for the next few days. The sales were like a plague of locusts, too many people and too little to buy. Well not in shops that I have vouchers for. In past years we have received a John Lewis voucher as a small Christmas bonus. This year they changed to a card that is used in more shops but few I use. Only place worth buying anything was the aforementioned John Lewis so no use today. So it might have be £100 worth of books from Waterstones-marvellous but I already have way too many unread books and not enough time to read them. Never mind though.

My Kiwi friend Sarah is coming to visit on Wednesday. A nice lunch in a country pub and an afternoon of indulgence. Splendid eh?

Talking of food I kept it simple today. A couple of lovely lamb chops with mint sauce and vegetables. Proper stay at home food. Time now to watch the cricket highlights. It's looking likely England might pull of a glorious victory in South Africa. With West Ham winning as well as the Rams upsetting the Seahawks in Seattle it has been a good few sporting days for me. Catch up tomorrow?

I Heard a Voice.

Traffic Standstill.

There wasn't much chance of getting clocked for speeding south of the Dartford Crossing today. Each gantry and bridge flashed a speed limit of 40 mile per hour but no one could get anywhere near that. Clearly my cunning plan to drive home on Sunday lunch time was not quite so cunning-half the south of England was on the road.

I finally made it home after a 2 hour 40 minute journey to go 100 miles. It is still grey and dull but I'm glad to be home. Beans on toast, Earl Grey tea and a bath and I'm refreshed now after feeling rather jaded. Not a surprise really, we have been partying pretty hard. Boxing Day saw many old friends, not enough to eat and memories of those we have lost recently. I must return next weekend for Sue's funeral.

An evening of the NFL awaits although I am going out to eat, barely a morsel in the flat. My plan is to rest more this week. Sleep has become a lot more uneven which is a little bit of a worry. I'm not thinking much of work but it will come and it will start all over again. More of that later in the week.

My musings will probably keep coming as I'm off. See you then.

I Heard a Voice.

Massive Consumption.

Well, I feel fat. The goose was glorious, the ham divine, the Rioja splendid and the company magnificent. Another Christmas Day of massive consumption. Having cooked all day I'm tired as well as fat. Just supping Rioja until bed time now. Tomorrow is the epic Boxing Day Run. I hope all my lovely friends out there have had a great day. Chat soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Christmas Day!

To all my lovely friends out there in the crazy blog world, Happy Christmas! I will message tomorrow after roast goose!

I Heard a Voice.

The Pale Light of Winter.

The sun finally put in an appearance today-thank goodness for that. All these grey wet days have done nothing for my fragile mood. I slept on, no change yet on that front, but emerged to a beautiful sunny morning. Dad was off delivering cards and visiting mum's memorial stone. I braised the ham in cider as I planned. Looks great. Next to stud it witrh cloves and glaze it for Christmas Day.

This afternoon I managed to catch up with my great friend Beth. She used to be a regular visiter to my lovely cottage in Chapel Street but it has been increasingly hard to catch up with each other now we have both moved away. Norwich is not the easiest place to get to from mine but I'm determied to do it some time.

Back at dad's I managed to chat to Beka, she seemed much more with it today than the very depressed state of yesterday, and am now doing a chicken casserole in cider with mushroom. I've only cooked it once before but it was very nice.

Miriam arrives tomorrow so reinforcements on the organisation front. Dad is holding his own despite the dreaded Christmas card expectations that are a legacy of mum's life. I'm hoping that on the day he can relax, drink champagne, nibble canapes and generally be his affable self whilst Miriam and I do the cooking. That relaxed approach is definitely an improvement on the stress of yesteryear.

Hope to be on here again soon. Take care out there.

I Heard a Voice.

Howling Gale, Pouring Rain, Welcome to the Seaside!

I'm staring out from the spare room in my dad's house over a riotous sea, lashing rain and a gusting wind. It is not British seaside weather. This morning I battled the weather and crowds to complete my Christmas shopping, buy the canapes and pick up all the things that dad forgot. Waitrose at its worst.

Thankfully it is warm, dad's cleaner's friend very kindly wrapped up the presents-she is far more skilled at it than I am-and I made a shepherd's pie for tonight. Now I'm wondering what to do next.

I feel a little restless and in need of air but it is not very enticing. So decisions to be made. Strangely enough despite the terrible blow of the loss of my friend Izzi so soon after my other friends Trapper and Sue I feel rather calmer than of late mentally. The sleep continues in abundance but I don't feel low or anxious today. Some friends are having a Christmas party tonight so I heard on the grapevine so I may pop along to that for a while. I'm a day out in my thoughts, feels like Wednesday. Only a couple of days to go now. I plan to braise the ham in cider later then glaze it and heat it on the day. The goose will arrive on Christmas Eve.

So things to do, people to see. It is good to be away even on such a wet dreary day.

I Heard a Voice.

Another Day Another Loss.

Having lost 2 friends in a month or so I was left reeling once again today by the sudden death of a 3rd. I have said before that I have seen so many deaths in my time I'm almost anaethetised to it. But not now. Regular readers may recall my fellow blogger Izzi who have I have spoken of before on here. Well I was once again stunned today to learn on Facebook of her passing. I'm not sure of her exact age but I think it is no more than 27.

Life did not exactly deal her many good cards. Bipolar, autism and Crohn's had a huge impact on her life. But it didn't stop her completing a PhD and and MSc just in the time I have known her. To say I'm shocked doesn't really convey the grief. And it is grief for all 3 of my recently departed friends.

Given the setbacks I have had in recent weeks I really didn't need any more bad news. I have escaped to Kent for a week to see dad. It was a surprisingly good journey down. And then the news.

There is nothing I can do other than play each day at a time, rest and cook. Slow roast lamb is on right now and perhaps a glass of Rioja. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

I Heard a Voice.

And on I Slept.

Everyone who has seen me since I made my first tentative steps back to work on Tuesday has commented on how tired I look. Given that I have had at least 10 hours sleep almost every night since the wheels fell of the bandwagon this is truly amazing. Yet I am still so tired. Another late start as I slept on and on. The question is when will this lift? I have time now but will it be enough?

When I did emerge at lunch time a day of nothing seemed on the horizon. The anxiety of the dodgy plumbing remains although it has been looked at by a friend with some knowledge. The contractors cannot get out apparently until 14th January. Absurd. Fingers crossed for the next month.

In town I bought nothing except a light lunch with Yang at the Fu Hao. Not as busy as I feared it might have been and I managed to park okay. Tomorrow I pack for Kent. Let us hope Sunday's journey goes without incident or hold up.

I have made small progress in my culinary endeavours for Christmas. Roast lamb, shepherd's pie, a chicken and mushroom casserole in cider and the mighty slow roast belly pork with fennel seeds and garlic with a sweet sherry sauce on Christmas Eve when Miriam arrived. I must also braise the ham beforehand. So lots to do.

There may be a final post tomorrow before I go. See you then.

I Heard a Voice.

Limping Into Port.

It's done. My dealings with the University this academic term are over. I am away now for 2 1/2 weeks. Is there still a lot of recuperating to do? In all honesty yes. A number of people commented today that I looked less well than I had on Tuesday. I'm relieved it is over for the time being. People have been hugely supportive-they usually are when I'm not well.

My overwhelming sense this minute is of emptiness. I am back in my eternally flawed flat. Still waiting news on a plumber. I have completely ignored my work with the Trust and at present still feel I need more time away. That creeping sense of fraudulence seems to be coming back. But why? Why should I beat myself up for being on holiday? It is I suppose part of the eternal battle I fight on mood.

The University is holding its annual Christmas Party tonight. I certainly don't feel up for a big party. I've not had turkey dinner yet which usually occurs a couple of times a week in December. Quite fancy some turkey. I had some rather second rate sushi for lunch.

So back in the home port and no longer buffeted by the storms of my job perhaps I should just relax, appreciate the sentiment of the season and look forward to seeing dad, Miriam, Nigel, Beka and Anne as well as all my many friends back in Kent. I drive down on Sunday. Then let us hope I can relax.

I Heard a Voice.

A Touch of Verdi.

The unseasonably warm weather here in the UK continues. Apparently we are on course for the hottest December ever. It remains dull and uninspiring though. Not much desire to go out really but I had to sort my prescription and see my Chinese friend in Hatfield market. Then just domestic stuff and once again wrestling with problem plumbing. It is only 10 days since a plumber came out, now I need him again.

Problems aside though on this quiet day at home I'm revisiting Verdi's Aida, working my way through Sunday supplements I had yet to touch, and wondering what of tomorrow. It will be my last day, albeit a short one. Will a 2 week holiday get me to where I need to be going forwards? I certainly can't continue as I did before. I will not see any students until January. My return date has been postponed as Sue's funeral is the day I was due back.

I have got no further in my Christmas preparations. Need to chat to dad really but I know he will be out this evening. I suppose it will have to be tomorrow.

Mentally I'm anxious but mood neutral. The anxiety purely relates to the aforementioned plumbing. Why did I ever move to this flat? Endless problems ever since I came here. Can't believe I will have been here 7 years in January. Where will I be in a year or so? Still here? Fate currently lies in far off as yet unannounced opportunities. Or maybe it will just be another year past, older, fatter, balder and greyer. Let us hope wherever I am I am wiser.

I Heard a Voice.

Glorious Tapas.

A couple of years ago you may recall I put up a post on here entitled "Bring on the Black Pigs". It was a glorious tribute to one of the finest food stuffs in the world, Iberico Jamon. I always buy it from Brindisa in Borough Market. Amazingly I haven't been there since February-must rectify that soon.

Yesterday I went to London to meet my old friend Rebecca to attend a Carol Service in Chelsea. But first she took me to Brindisa the restaurant. Oh my God, spectacularly is not the word. I do not even know if I have the words to describe such wondrous food. Jamon, manchego, membrillo, padron peppers, chorizo, spinach with pine nuts and sultanas. It was amazing. I'm not sure I will go too often given the price but what a lovely reunion.

Rebecca and I go back to 1989 when she was 16 and I was 19. As with so many of my friends we met through singing. And we dabbled at the service. She has just started lessons again. I'm not ready for that. So nice to catch up.

That morning after feeling took very little time to kick in. For today I went back to work. Having asked to do a slightly shorter they then told me to slow down. So I will just be in 2 days this week and then only a few hours. In truth that is probably a good plan but doesn't help my fragile confidence. They have managed without me so I guess when I get stronger I can come back to where I was before. The evidence of the last few weeks is that what was expected was unsustainable. So something must be done differently from now on in.

My colleagues have gone out for a Christmas dinner tonight but I didn't really feel up to that. Day at a time, hour at a time. It helps me set about the Christmas preparations that I have singularly failed to address in my time off.

So tomorrow is a rest day. That's good. I'll let you know how I get in shortly.

I Heard a Voice.

Handel, Mist and Cold.

A grey mist has descended on my part of Hertfordshire. Sums up the day really, grey, cold and dull. I haven't felt like doing much today after yet another late start. I have worked my way through the paper and a Handel opera. Now put a second one on, it is a day for Handel.

I'm edging closer to my return to the day job. Having thought very little about it this week it is beginning to loom in my consciousness. Tomorrow is my final day away. I'm travelling to London to attend a Carol Service down in Chelsea. Hoping that I will meet a couple of old friends I once sang with. I chose not to join the choir even though I was invited so to do. For now I just want to listen to music not perform.

Talking of performing I went to the launch gig of Hope's second EP "Optimist". What a performance from a girl so young, such power and control. Check her out on YouTube then download her work from iTunes. It really is worth it.

Rare rib of beef awaits me tonight. I have made the batter for the Yorkshire puddings and will parboil the potatoes after this post. I'm hoping fine beef will lift my flat and flagging mood. I'm not depressed just not where I would like to be.

This time in a week I will be in Kent psyching myself up for Christmas. I really must think today what I will cook during my stay. Invariably I take a couple of cook books down with me. Just a single present left to get, something for Beka. I received a most unexpected present on Friday when my colleagues sent me a lovely bottle of wine as a get well present. We don't always see eye to eye but they are very good a looking out for people when they are unwell.

And so I leave you today with buoyant viewing figures on here and a near run down to the holiday. I hope you are all coping with the coming festivities, it can be a pretty stressful time. Take care out there.

I Heard a Voice.

No Worries.

Yesterday took a most unexpected turn after I posted. I learned shortly after of the sudden death of my great friend Sue back home in Kent. An extraordinary and kind eccentric she launched the career of many a local musician, housed the waifs and strays of youth culture, led a decadent life style, was both a white witch and a Catholic-go figure that one-and was an all round superstar. She leaves a son James, a daughter Georgina, the grandchildren Lola and FiFi, and almost forgotten in the tributes a step son Anders. Anders and I go way back. Many a wild party was had a Sue's houses and who can forget our epic trip to Puerto Banus in the autumn of 2004? I will miss her terribly.

To say I'm shocked is an understatement and coming on a day in which my anxiety was a bit raised not very easy for me.

Added to that anxiety was picking up a message from my GP surgery asking me to call. Given I just had a blood test my mind went into overdrive. That anxiety again, Dory and I conferred on what it does to us over lunch, we are both only just realising how mental illness is fuelled by that anxiety. I had a lovely afternoon with her though. Of course she was appallingly flirty with the rather vain waiter-no change there then.

Yet I could not shake that fear. Expecting the worst and hoping it didn't wreck my weekend I called. Transpires it was just a clerical error. Oh how the mind winds itself up. Why can't I listen to myself? It is fear of what might happen not what does happen.

So now I'm home watching last night's Cardinals - Vikings game, the fear is in check and I'm ready for the weekend. Still on course for Tuesday and it has been agreed to shorten the day. Tomorrow St Albans awaits. Back on here at the weekend.

I Heard a Voice.

Another Year, Another Defeat.

Well that didn't exactly go to plan, Cambridge lost a very tight Varsity Match 12-6. I have yet to receive any abuse from my old friend Tory from Oxford but I have no doubt it will come by the end of the day. Oxford won for a record 6th year in a row. What has happened to men's sport at Cambridge? Losing rugby and rowing consistently is not what I want to see. It may seem strange but in my 9 years over 3 different periods we never won the Boat Race. The last time we did win was only really brought about by an Oxford rower seeing his blade explode in a clash-no one can win 7 oars to 8. Oh well I suppose there is next year.

In my world it has been a mixed day. I'm still on course for a return but once again I was out of sorts this morning. It's the bad dreams that are impacting. Tense, anxious affairs they make me feel like I haven't slept. It got better though. A nice drive in the country, I dropped into The Horns for the first time in a while. Quite busy for a Thursday lunch time.

It doesn't happen often but today I will have a rare packet meal. Didn't find anything worth cooking in the shop so had to compromise. It never ceases to amaze me just how much sugar, fat and salt are in such meals. But ever once in a while is not too bad.

My mind has turned once again to my mood scale. I did update last week and although I am making progress I'm not sure I have gone into + territory, more around the rather dull 0 mark. Better than it has been I suppose

I can't believe how fast this week has gone. Not long until I have to set the dreaded alarm and take the plunge back into reality. I suspect I may need to negotiate a shorter day but we will see.

See you all next time.

I Heard a Voice.

Shades? In Winter?

For the first 58 minutes of Monday night's Redskins and Cowboys game it was turgid rubbish. I found myself wondering why on earth I had bothered to record it. But that final 2 minutes, what a finish. The upshot of this was that I went to bed far later than I had planned.

When I woke after a series of bad dreams I felt very out of sorts. The gains of yesterday seemed far away. Was I going back into the morass of the last few weeks? Sometimes madness is like that, a good day then a couple of bad. We do get better incrementally and never believe it will ever end until we reach that strange point in the journey where life returns to what passes for normal.

Given that I've not had a walk in some time I thought a brisk mile and half each way into town might help. That low in the sky winter sun brought the shades out of cosy hibernation. The walk was punctuated by a lunch in the Fu Hao with Yang. After that the day began to get more balanced and somewhat better.

Handel and Mozart have been on this afternoon's agenda along with a chat with Beka. Dory will once again visit on Friday. Tomorrow I will find myself watching the Varsity Match from Twickenham for the second year in a row-illness strikes in the same time frame a year apart.

I expect a return of some of my anxiety as the days tick by to my planned return next week. I've had some contact with people there all of whom urge me to only come back if ready. I feel I'm getting there. I have to go back at some point. If not now it won't be until the New Year. Not too far now. 2016, this year has gone so fast.

Back to Handel now so check in later in the week for more musings.

I Heard a Voice.

PS Szechuan twice cooked pork awaits tonight, a good choice!

Lost and Found.

Given how long it took me to get to sleep last night today has been reasonably good. The sun has shone, it's not too cold and I didn't feel as tired as I feared I might. In truth the last couple of days have been fairly busy in the grand scheme of me doing very little for the last few weeks.

My car MOT was due yesterday so I had to get up and get down to Hatfield. With a couple of hours to kill I window shopped and lunched in the Galleria. It was not until I got back in my passed car that I realised I had left my keffiyeh in the restaurant. Those who know me will recall how important keffiyehs are to me in a non political way. No it is not to support the plight of so many in the troubled Middle East but rather a cherished memory of my visit to Jordan in 1997. It was not my Jordanian one so not my most treasured but important enough to go back today.

I had spotted a marvellous coat in a sale as I was perusing but decided against buying it in case the car needed things doing. This time I couldn't resist and managed to get a bargain. Probably not too sensible in the run up to Christmas but as Ros repeatedly tells me and I usually fail to heed to be kind to myself.

Back at home La Finta Semplice has been playing for the last 2 1/2 hours. I will get in the kitchen later to roast some belly pork strips.

Amazingly despite a fairly good day I'm not beating myself up or feeling guilty. Have I finally acknowledged that it is okay to be off when I'm ill? I do hope so. If all goes to plan I intend to go back to work next Tuesday. This is the longest break I have had since I started working. But it was needed. See you soon.

I Heard a Voice.

A Short Intermission.

Hello! How are you all? After my somewhat prolific writings of November on here no doubt you are probably surprised by my days of silence. Or maybe pleased? It was but a brief intermission as I had a friend staying for the weekend.

We had quite a nice time topped off today with rare roast beef at The Waggoners. I think I needed a change. I think I'm inching forwards towards what one might loosely term recovery. But I'm not there yet. Having been told to phone at midnight on Thursday to get an appointment with my GP it was somewhat disappointing to learn there wasn't a single appointment with any GP that day. When I went into the surgery I was informed my GP has no pre bookable appointments until 5th January. Clearly ludicrous. But for once a receptionist helped and sent him a message asking for an extension of the sick note. Assuming that is okay I aim to return on Tuesday 15th. It will only be for a few days but it is a start.

I do however have to move tomorrow as my car is booked in for the MOT. Always a nervous day I hope it is okay.

Back to Sunday though my beloved Mozart has just gone on, the paper is beckoning and I intend to take things really gently. I hope to be back on here some time in the week. Enjoy the rest of Sunday.

I Heard a Voice.

The Scornful Drunk.

Those who read my blog last week will recall that exactly a week ago I had a rather better day but felt terribly guilty for so being. Today has not been a repeat of the former but definitely a repeat of the latter.

It has been a day after a bad night. A lot of dreams most of which were bad. Waking from that makes me feel even more tired, more anxious and think I'm more of a fraud. Many times I have spoken on here of my sense of guilt. Going somewhat stir crazy being home I did go for a drive in the country and stopped off for a drink. Cue more guilt. And with guilt comes the questioning.

Rarely does a day go by, good or bad, on which I did not question with much sincerity whether mental illness exists. Through my journey in the world of the mad most I have met were good people, damaged but good. There have been exceptions and invariably those people were also drunks. Not drunks in the sense that they drink more than they should. No, drunks who reached for the bottle the moment they woke up and were still going the moment they crashed into the uncertain sleep of alcoholism.

I knew a man once who was so angry his psychiatrist described him as an iconoclast. He was due in court for stabbing a man when I first met him. He was deemed fit to plead but he did not go to prison. Not only was he a nasty drunk he was utterly scornful of anyone who he deemed not to be mentally ill. Not so different from shrinks in a way but he was downright nasty. Today I thought of him in my condemnation of my own deluded weakness of pleading madness. Am I for real? Or was he right?

He may no longer be alive. His sidekick who he said was his friend but they fought as drunks do killed himself many years ago. Maybe said man joined him or drank himself to death. The last time I saw him was some time before I moved when he was so drunk at 9 pm the pub kicked him out and he was later arrested for drunk and incapable passed out in the High Street. I wondered what had happened to him in the in between time.

I struggle on today with that wavering belief. Haydn didn't help much even though I enjoy The Creation. Maybe Mozart can save the day, I think Cosi Fan Tutte after supper.

I Heard a Voice.

The Sublime Faure.

It's Tuesday night, it's grey and dull out, I had turkey curry, and another day away from what I expected to be doing a few weeks ago. The medication is kicking my mood in the right direction but stamping down my energy as it is wont to do. But for the first time since this all started I feel I'm doing the right thing. I will pick up, reduce then go back to reality. It is merely a question of how long it will take.

In the meantime I'm listening to a concert that was recorded in King's on St Cecilia's Day to commemorate the life of David Willcocks. I did not know him personally although I saw him up close on a number of occasions. Some would regard the Ledger years of that famous choir to be amongst the weakest in decades. That's when I sang but I cannot be held wholly responsible for that. I suspect we suffered too much from over exuberance and fear to match some of the great incarnations.

The sublime Faure Requiem is currently filling my flat in all its glory. What a wonderful piece of music. Our recording was terrible. Willcocks' is one of the great recordings of this wonderous work.

I was invited to come to the concert live as an ex chorister but felt that as I didn't know him nor had I sung for him a ticket might better serve someone else.

And what of tomorrow? I won't be going back just yet, I plan to go back to GP on Friday and get a little more time. That will allow me to improve but also reduce the dose so I can function favourably.

I Heard a Voice.