Brahms or Study? That was the Question.

Owing to traffic and over running meetings I was late home tonight. I had food in but it took 40 minutes to cook so found myself somewhat behind. When I did finally get sorted I faced a toss up of whether to listen to the Brahms double concerto for violin and cello or listen to another interminable lecture on academic databases.

Brahms won. But this adds to my feeling of always chasing and and never quite catching up. So as a compromise I will spend the next hour or so trying to make sense of the copious notes that I have made so far.

I'm not really sure what I feel today. Am I flat? Am I verging on depressed? Or am I just tired? I need one of my mini highs-that will sort it out. Yet I've not had one for ages. No always a bad thing as I tend to piss people off then. So back it is to the radio and study. Until next time.

I Heard a Voice.

Spirituality or Enlightenment?

Ever since I came to Hertfordshire in 2007 I have been meaning to support our chaplain Allan's weekly time for contemplation. I met Allan very early on. We share an interest in American football and many times he has asked me to come and coach with him. Every Tuesday in the multi Faith venue known as the Key Centre he holds a 15 minute slot for contemplation or worship.

I was brought up in a devout Christian family. The church was a huge part of my life. I sang for all those years and know the Christian music so well. I have a good knowledge of the bible although some I need to dredge up for classes 30 years ago. I do not know why I lost Faith. Perhaps it was never real. Perhaps I was too young. Perhaps it had been a means to an end. Mental illness destroyed all that was left of it. That illness led me to the edge of Buddhism. That said I do not regard Buddhism as religion.

At the age of 44 with all my experiences behind me I do not consider myself wise enough to know that there is a God. And beyond that which faith is right. Am I enlightened? No, not sure even the Buddha got there. But I can recognise spiritual experiences and acknowledge there are many things in the world I do not understand.

Time is always against me at work but today I found half an hour between meetings and for the first time in 6 1/2 managed to join Allan in his contemplations. He read the story of the Tranfiguration. I recalled it but only vaguely. Then he challenged those of us gathered, and there were only 6 of us, to recall a spiritual experience. No one spoke so Allan shared. As I reflect now I have had spiritual experiences but usually by osmosis when it proximity to those with Faith on particular days. Singing in the Duomo in Florence and the cathedral in Seville over Easter showed me that. Remembrance Sunday always does too.

So maybe there is hope for me. Who knows if 1 day I might return to Faith. Singing too perhaps? But not now. For now I struggle on in my own way and do the best I can on any given day.

I Heard a Voice.

Confusion Reigns.

My attempts to catch up on the next module of my course are leading only to more confusion. I understand the concepts but the complexity of the IT work involved simply baffles me. No matter how many notes I take I'm still confused. That took up 90 minutes of my afternoon and I'm now none the wiser. I don't like distance learning. That will always be my downfall.

Okay I may have got 78% in my first module but the most difficult part was understanding the technology needed. As a result it was much more laborious task than it might have been. The concepts are not hard.

I've put all that aside for now and can focus on the rest of my Sunday. The ham is studded with cloves and about to go in to roast. The potatoes are par-boiled and I managed to listen to Choral Evensong on the radio. Wonderful to hear Rubbra in A again-that takes me back to my childhood. Later they have the Mozart C minor mass, fantastic stuff.

My mind is calm and I feel some gentle reading coming on to accompany my Mozart. Perhaps an opera after that; Haydn I think.

What will tomorrow bring? I guess I will find out soon enough. Besides there is good rioja to be drunk before then; let the 'moro be the 'moro.

I Heard a Voice

Generous End to the Week.

This week has been full of surprises. Yes Wednesday happened and it was not quite as I planned. Then last night the phone rang just as I was thinking of going out for noodles. It was my old school friend Mulumba. We've known each other 35 years and last spoke almost exactly 3 years ago a couple of weeks before the launch of "A Pillar of Impotence". He sounds on fine form but really shocked me with some things from all those years ago. It appears I was perceived by others back in those singing days in a totally different way from how I perceived myself. He also re-affirmed the belief that I should not under estimate my achievements or intellect. So the narcissist was false. Try telling that to the men with power who laud it over others as Doctors. As I repeatedly say in the first book, no one ever listened to the words of those who knew me before. My life was not a delusion. It was great to hear from him.

When I did get out for my noodles I bumped into a couple of friends who had very kindly come to my launch. And one of them Sarah paid. She is really bright, training to be a teacher, and has a bright future enlightening our youngest friends.

Today I popped by to see Yang for a Tsing Tao and hot and sour soup. She refused payment. It never ceases to amaze me what kind and generous friends I have. Did some study when I got back. Not sure if I'm more confused now than when I started but I will get back to it tomorrow.

For now it is England and Ireland in the rugby and the prospect of twice cooked Szechuan pork for dinner-an old favourite of mine.

I Heard a Voice.

Waiting for a Call That Never Came.

Crisis management in my world can give me quite a buzz. In the run up I'm full of nervous energy. Yes there are nerves but there is the thrill of for once in my life being important even if only for a brief few hours. The athlete in the starting blocks is full of focus. My athletic days are long behind me but the buzz is still there. Yet sometimes I have to spend hours in those starting blocks.

As I predicted the fallout from my bizarre book launch continued to run. I was put on alert last night. An update at 8.30 this morning filled me on what might occur today. That took up all my focus in a taut morning. The call never came and I stood down at lunch time. The upshot is I'm still behind and yet again my plan did not work out.

It has been an odd week. The strange triumph followed by finding out I had achieved enough for a distinction in my MSc module. I cannot get a distinction over all as I have been granted 90 out of 180 credits already but still very pleased and surprised.

Late this afternoon my great friend Geri asked why it was I always downplay what I do and my achievements. The answer is simple, being deemed a narcissist at the age of 23 and told my whole life was a delusion did for that. That is what underlies my apparent modest exterior. It is only when my mood is too elevated that the truth comes out about what I really think. That usually gets me into trouble so I try to avoid that.

And now the weekend. Study, rugby and a roast ham. No idea what's on the menu tomorrow; I will see what the shop has to offer tomorrow.

I Heard a Voice.

An Interesting Launch

For the past 24 years I have lived among the mentally ill as one of them. I do what I do but I never changed sides. I champion their rights but sometimes, when the world is not all okay, they say and do things they regret. Yesterday was one of those days.

That aside, the launch was a triumph. I had about 50 people come and they seemed to rave about my talk. Sold some books, saw old friends, shared fun times and realised I still have my moments. I have a voice now and I'm good at using it. Learning that art took a long time. I was first tipped off to the need to do this by the late American historian Mark Kaplanoff who said early on, "I understand all that you say but until you stop ranting no one will listen to you". He was right. So now I use my voice judiciously.

Tomorrow the world moves on but I suspect yesterday will echo for some time.

I Heard a Voice.

The Big Day.

Hi all,

Today is University Mental Health Day. It is my big day. For at 1.00 pm I will be delivering a talk and launching "Charon's Ferry" on the world. Such a journey for me. All started on 16th June 1990. Does it end on 19th February 2014? An ending of sorts but maybe more a new beginning. I'm delighted that even on only 8 days notice we may get 50-60 people coming to hear me speak. I guess I had been be good.

For those of you who want to read it it is now more widely available. I'm hoping this link will work-it can be a bit hit and miss on here! http://www.amazon.co.uk/Charons-Ferry-Mark-Edgar/dp/1783820233/ref=tmm_pap_title_0 . Looks like it is miss today.

I will report back either later or tomorrow. Better get back to my talk now.

Mark

A Taste for Simplicity.

Sometimes it is good to go back to basics. You will all recall my fondness for the British roast dinner on a Sunday. Can it get more straightforward than a beautifully cooked stuffed roast chicken? I did that today and the results were stunning. My friend Richard came round to join me and we drank a lovely bottle of French Chardonnay.

That was how I rounded off a productive day. I managed to do 3 hours study and have now caught up on what I missed. That is a huge relief. Now my thoughts must turn to Wednesday. The outline of my talk is already written down in short note form. I have done it before. I don't expect to match the attendance of last time-too short notice- but last I looked there should be 30-40 people coming. Further publicity will go out tomorrow. If we make 50 people I'll be really pleased.

All this has shifted my mood upwards. Still under control but must watch out things getting out hand if Wednesday is as triumphant as my chicken.

For now I will have a beer and watch the first hour of the Baftas. I know my friend Jacob will be watching-he's a brilliant but not well known film maker. Let's hope he rises one day to such heights. Take care out there everyone.

I Heard a Voice.

An Expensive Day.

The world does not seem to know what to do with itself today. Beautiful sunshine one minute then pouring rain. I got soaked in town. Back home now and exhausted. Although I'm much better I still struggle at times with exhaustion. It is amazing how much it takes out of us when we are ill.

Today I finally managed to sort the debacle of my water supply. Cost a fortune as my landlord simply refuses take responsibility for upkeep. Would never have moved here had I known it would be like this but I can't afford to move. So my quest to be solvent will be delayed another couple of months.

Having been extremely anxious about my studies I now feel a little more in control. I've missed less than I thought and I will meet with my tutor when she gets back from her leave on Thursday. Sadly that day also brings the dreaded appraisal; another waste of a couple of hours.

Yet that can all wait. It is the weekend. I "Have War of the Worlds" on, there is a chickpea and chorizo stew in store later then roast chicken tomorrow. My mood continues to modulate but only in manageable parameters.

I might blog tomorrow, depends on how long it takes me to catch up on my missed lectures. See you all soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Books for Sale.

Hi all, you can now get the book more widely on line:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Charons-Ferry-Mark-Edgar/dp/1783820233/ref=tmm_pap_title_0

Also available in the USA.

I Heard a Voice.

Launch Date.

The day is approaching when once again my voice will be heard in public. After my recent illness I had thought I would need to postpone the planned launch of "Charon's Ferry". However, strange interventions have led to us going back to the original date.

So to any of you who are local I will be delivering a talk entitled "Us and Them, Crossing Mental Health Rubicon" and launching "Charon's Ferry" at the University of Hertfordshire on Wednesday 19th February. The event will take place on the College Lane Campus in the Lindop Building between 1.00 and 2.30 pm. If you want to come leave a comment-need to know refreshment numbers.

It has been a long hard travel from the day we launch the first book to now. I am a different person. My life is by no means perfect, but then again whose is? Maybe 1 day I will write a third book.

As the days tick by to the launch the storms are still battering Britain and most people are miserable. I'm in the warm listening to Mahler and about to plough my way through the notes for tomorrow's HPFT Governors meeting. It will be my first formal council. I wonder if anyone will listen to my voice there. That is if I can find it. More soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Restless Afternoon.

This afternoon has been odd. I have felt flat and restless but I have no idea why. Felt fine when I woke up. Popped into town to shop and share a beer with Yang then came home planning an afternoon of rugby. It did not happen. I couldn't focus on it and found my mood sinking. Hopefully just one of those days.

It appears as if my book launch will unexpectedly go ahead at the university on Wednesday 19th February. I had originally earmarked that day but had felt we needed to postpone as a result of my recent illness. Others intervened though and I will now be marking Universities Mental Health Day to what I expect will be a very small audience. Funny how when the important people get involved events have a habit of getting out of control. Let us hope at least few people turn up even at such short notice.

My kitchen reverts to curry tonight. I've always loved eggs and will be a doing a rather nice egg curry from Rick Stein. Tomorrow, along with opera and reading I will be  roasting a pheasant. Not done one of those in ages. See you then.

I Heard a Voice.

Return to the Lake.

Amid beautiful morning sunshine on an otherwise cold day I finally returned to the lake by my office. I had not been there since before the holiday. The water was clear and ripply as the sharp wind got up. My haven during long days. Yes I returned to work yesterday. It has gone okay but has been exhausting. Much appears to have happened in my absence and some at least feel they missed my crisis management expertise. It is a good question who does my work when I'm not there. We don't have a good answer to that. Maybe that is why we need change. None of us are indispensable but I do have some allies.

It is beginning to look as if I will be running my planned book launch after all. Given my recent illness I had hoped to postpone but some have other ideas. I'm looking forward to it but worry that the short notice will stop people coming. I have a supply of books and tomorrow I will send off some to be reviewed or to people involved in the writing.

For now though I plan a very quiet weekend. I need to recuperate still. Energy is not back yet although in the main the coughing has subsided. I suspect it will get busy from now on in. Usually until April although last year it went on well into July.

Might blog again tomorrow-see you soon.

I Heard a Voice.

A Spot of Handel.

On a day that promises yet more storms I have decided to stay put and use my last day before going back to work on domesticity, reading and some Handel. "Saul" is playing as the washing goes and I will settle down with "Brighton Rock" for a couple of hours.

That will be interrupted for a short lunch break when I will finish the last of my parsley soup. As a measure of how much better I'm feeling I'm eating properly again. I suspect I have lost some weight over the last few weeks of illness-good thing I guess. Tonight there is slow roast pork on the agenda. My friend Richard will be joining me for that. Can't beat good pork although I'm sure the fat is not too good for me. But then again, how am I supposed to get good crackling without a layer of fat.

Back in the realms of reality tomorrow I suspect it will take me pretty much all day to catch up on the last couple of weeks. At last look I have 197 unopened e mails. Most will be junk but it takes time to sift the wheat from the chaff. I'm hoping by Monday I will be up and running again. Next week also brings a Council of Governors meeting. I missed the last one as it was my study day. I feel somewhat fraudulent about that role-I have done so little. But I have a 3 year term so there is time enough yet to make my mark.

I Heard a Voice.

Closing Down Sale.

It was with great sadness that I learned today that my local book shop is closing down at the end of the month. For all the world's use of the internet-and my books can only be found there-I used to pop into the shop most weeks to try to keep it going. Unfortunately the lease is up so they are closing down. Everything was half price so managed to get hold of a copy of Graham Greene's "Brighton Rock" very reasonably. No doubt I will make more purchases before they finally shut. It seems the way of there world, so few book shops left.

I remain on course to go back to work on Thursday. I feel fine-better than I have done since December-but the cough still comes from time to time. Mentally I have weathered that storm that could have sent me into free fall.

Part of this afternoon was spent pounding out a fierce Thai curry paste for tonight's dinner. The beef has been slow cooking for an hour of so and judging by the number of chillies I used I suspect I will need a large glass of milk afterwards.

There has been unusual activity on here today. A huge spike from viewers in the USA at about 8.00 am UK time. Wonder why that is. Always good to be read though. Still waiting for world wide release of "Charon's Ferry" but it will go on here as soon as it is available.

I Heard a Voice.

An Ethnic Football Blow Out.

My old tutor in Cambridge Christopher Kelly used to described my chosen sport as ethnic football. In March 1991 the Varsity Bowl was won for the third year in a row by Oxford. Although I played in Varsity Bowls I, II, and III I was never victorious. That was the year I was president and my final agonised year at Cambridge stuttered to its finale that summer. Within 6 weeks I was locked up in the old asylum in Chartham near Canterbury.

23 years later I still retain my passion for ethnic football although I have not played since then. Each year I take a trip up to see Miriam to watch the Super Bowl with my brother in law Nigel. Last night we witnessed a blow out no one was expecting. I have felt all season that the Seattle Seahawks were the best team in the NFL. And by God did they show it last night.

My mind was cast back to the overthrow of 2 previous dominating and record setting offenses that foundered again devastating defense. That last year in Cambridge the New York Giants held off the Buffalo Bills by beating the hell out of them physically. The same is true of my beloved Rams losing to the New England Patriots in January 2002. Such has ever been the way, being physical will most often prevail. Now I face the long off season until it all starts again.

Over the years I have sometimes struggled mentally in February and March. This year I have been ill for the whole of January. The good news is I'm feeling much better. Still coughing though. My plan is to go back to work on Thursday. Let's hope there are no setbacks.

Until then I will continue to recuperate my strength. For now it is "Madame Butterfly" and "Seven Pillars of Wisdom". Might even open a beer. See you all soon.

I Heard a Voice.