Dazed and Confused.

A few months ago I met a man named Gary in my local pub. He comes in mainly at weekend with his friend Ali. He is local and she lives up the road in Bedford. Gary is a poet and a depressive with a passion for music. Not so differnet to me although it is some years since I wrote a poem. I don't know him that well but we usually have a chat when they are in.

Last night Gary said to to me that he thought I was a bit manic. He was apologetic and not certain whether he should say it or not. I went out early yesterday so had drunk far more than I normally do. I mentioned this to him to which he responded you were like this 2 days ago. So glad he told me as I hadn't noticed. The strange thing is though that at the moment my mood is on the - side of my scale. Manic and depressed at the same. Is this the mystical mixed state that my bipolar friends Brian and Izzi describe and fear?

Today I feel confused. I don't want to go out but I don't want to stay in. I'm anxious about going to London later. I want to hide from the world. I'm all over the place. Maybe it is one of my feared depressed hangovers but I don't think so. My confusion is so great that when I woke at 9.30 am I was convinced it was actually 3.30 pm. Not good.

The conversation with Gary was not the only mental talk I had last night. I was semi confronted by an angry woman I don't know well. She comes across as angry, aggressive, loud, obnoxious and always drunk. I was trying to tell a story which she didn't like. Out came a tirade on all the diagnoses she had, most contradicting each other, and of how useless we professionals are. Of course what she didn't know is that I am one of us not one of them. I told her some of my story and her attitude changed. I hate being dismissed as the enemy. I am better than that.

Yet today I battle a sense of failure, an emptiness, and that feeling of being dazed and confused. I want to tell the world to fuck off but I can't. No one must notice. I don't know how to deal with the mixed state if that is the right term. I guess I just have to ride it out.

I Heard a Voice.