What If?

Fear. Naked fear. That is what struck me from the moment my mind slipped from unconsciousness to consciousness this morning. As I posted yesterday I was expecting a return of the dreaded anxiety. It just came early and for a different reason. I am due to attend a meeting in London. Suddenly every detail from parking to tickets to alarm to tube to train strike and just about everything swamped my brain. Why does this happen? I hate it.

Anxiety is a disease of what if. When I say disease I mean in a literal sense that it makes me uneasy. I do not consider anxiety to be a mental illness whatever the Equality Act 2010 might say. We can have long and challenging and ultimately fruitless debates as to what is a mental illness. But I will not get into that today. What I do know is that the anxiety that is increasingly affecting me as it did my mum is the fuel that stokes the fire of depression. It always plays its part. Whilst my mood issues are a little more complex than what some term unipolar depression it does play a huge part in the struggles I have in my life.

After an hour or so fighting such ridiculous demons I gave up and got up. A few hours later I have life a little more in perspective. Haydn is calming me. My lunch of simply pan fried sardines dusted in seasoned flour with a squeeze of lemon was inspiring and I have roast beef to look forward to. Gary and Ali are coming for their last Sunday roast for a while as for the next few weeks they are hosting family from Canada. Much as I'd like to cater for all of them my flat is too small.

The wider picture shows political mayhem. I rarely make political statements on here but is it just me that thinks Theresa May is trying very hard to lose an election she should be romping away with? Why alienate your core voters? Actually I see all the manifestos as being fantasy, arrogance and alienation making me reconsider what I will do and who to vote for. That I am now unenthused is a shameful place to be for someone who relishes the great gift and privilege I have to vote for my future. Political comment now over for what I hope is a very long time.

In other news, today marks exactly three years since I gave up smoking. Never thought I would say that. I did balloon in weight as evidenced by my graduation photo but I'm working hard to lose that. Since starting my diet in January I have lost a further half stone. True I can be a little wayward with that diet but as my GP said the other day "everyone is entitled to a fry up sometimes".

Enjoy what is left of Sunday. Wish me well for my trip to London tomorrow, naturally I will be fine.

I Heard a Voice.