They Call it an Act of God.

The first of a storm of nightmares broke over my troubled mind at 5 am. Wave after wave for three hours until I knew I had to get up. Today was the day I feared at the dentist. Struggling to get my anxiety under control I kept telling myself that it is only half an hour, there will be anaesthetic and the problem will soon be over.

Not at my best I tried hard this morning to do something rather than nothing. I didn't feel I could stay home until the appointment. Hours ticking by until I had to get in the car and make that move.

Insurance companies call them "Acts of God", events that cannot be predicted under any circumstances that also cannot be mitigated and guarded against. Who could have predicted that around 45 minutes before I intended to set off two cars collided right outside the entrance to the campus? The first we knew was the noise of an approaching helicopter that landed right next to my office to attend. The road was closed and the exit blocked.

For me game over. Anxiety exploding through the roof in an orgy of self pitying fear. Not the sheer terror that all those poor people experienced in Monday's tragedy. No a much more irrelevant but personal perfidious, insidious, creeping terror that knew no answer. Sapped of all energy I singularly failed to do anything productive, was grumpy, snappy, and generally unpleasant to everyone.

Some days it feels as if I have to pick up everyone who ever utters the word suicide and see them now. Heightened by my personal fear they too came today. And I was no good. Why do people think I can stop everyone feeling suicidal? On days when I'm spent and all at sea I cannot conjure up such miracles.

At the end of the day my boss asked if I was alright. Yes my struggles had been noticed. To mitigate for the reschedule I will work from home and not get drawn into whatever chaos may ensue that day.

Back home I'm listless, hot and lost. It should be opera night. My response to today has been to comfort eat, roast lunch, ice cream, wine gums. Not good. I should just make a salad but I don't want to do anything. Is the answer noodles and beer? I'm undecided.

Looking back on recent posts fear has been an ever present shadow to my life. Why won't it go? I'm not hurt, I'm still standing and tomorrow is another day. But at the moment I'm really struggling with this absurd fear.

I Heard a Voice.