Think of Things That Might Have Been

Now that the MSc is all over, assuming I pass, I can now go out at the weekend and not worry about whether I should be studying or feeling guilty for neglecting my studies. So with a free mind and my anxiety in check I took the bus over to St Albans yesterday and had a day out. Little Marrakech  for sardines and merguez sausages, a wander in the market then a pint in The Lower Red Lion made for a wonderful change from recent months. But it got me thinking.

Casting my mind back 15 years salvation from madness seemed to be becoming a teacher. I qualified in August 2000 and continued my search for a job. During that time I had an interview at St Albans School and the put me up in The Lower Red Lion. I liked the school and was disappointed when yet again I was rejected. The night before the interview I had a wander up the hill and found a marvellous Thai restaurant. Since my move to Hertfordshire I have never found the restaurant. Yesterday I did.

How different might my life have been had I got that job? Or indeed any of the other 150 odd posts I applied for? We will never know. Do I regret teaching not working out? No. But there is always the what if? What might have been? Paul Simon once wrote that "a bad day is when I lie and think of the things that might have been".

I will never go back to teaching. Teaching wouldn't have me now. Am I better at what I do now? In my view infinitely. My life is changing and I don't know where I will be in 12 months time. It was not a bad day to think of what might have been. It was a good day. Compared to where I was 15, 20, 25 years ago, the length of my illness, I have moved on, I am better, and most of the time I am winning.

Sometimes I recall those dark days of madness. Sometimes I don't. It is part of me but not the whole. That is the achievement of my recovery, madness no longer defines me. I cannot change what did or might have happened. Perhaps I shouldn't want to. Until next time.

I Heard a Voice.