An Ending.

Thus endeth July. It has been record setting month for my blog. I have had almost a 100 more visitors this month than I've ever had before. I have put up more posts than ever before although I'm not sure if I have had more to say. It also marks the end of my academic year. This is my 5th, I find that hard to believe. When I moved I was hanging on to last vestiges of my 30s. I am now middle aged, have less hair and it is greying and I'm approaching my first birthday without my mum. It has been a most peculiar year.

For some I have changed their lives. Those who thought they would never get better until they met me. Sometimes at my best I have that power. Equally though there are those who met who walked away firmly believing I am full of shit. Fortunately the former usually outnumber the latter.

The price of cherries is rapidly rising and the oh so short lives of the beautiful dragonflies will soon be over. Are we going headlong towards autumn?

Today was a day of endings and moving on. I had a very nice lunch with a friend. I even loosened the shackles on my austerity measures and got £280 worth of clothes for £45-can anyone justify a rrp of £230 for a rugby shirt? I got a bargain for £25. I didn't cook today as I'm going away in a few days. I resorted to sausage and chips from the chip shop-why are their portions of chips so large? I then got my fix of Rick Stein eating octopus in Galicia. I have never been to Galicia but have eaten octopus many times. I used to frequent a small tapas restaurant in Canterbury where I used to drink cruzcampo beer and eat baby octopus. I took my friend Tom there once but he couldn't even look at the octopus let alone eat it.

Tomorrow I get down to sorting my stats for the year. On Thursday I am travelling to London to meet an old school friend I have not seen in 30 years. His life too has been blighted by mental illness so I guess we have a lot in common. Then on Friday I go to Kent to see my dad and go to 2 parties. Not something I do often now but if any of you get to read the new book when it comes out you will realise I was once a party animal.

What will next year bring? I don't know. In a month no doubt I will know the answer to whether I stay or go-I'm still waiting on the pay dispute. If I stay no doubt I will meet interesting people. And for some of those I will change their lives. So life goes on one way or another.

I Heard a Voice.

To Friends in the USA.

Hi all, a particular greeting today to my friends from across the water. I'm not sure why but there has been a huge upswing in views from the USA in the last couple of days. Welcome.

As you will have seen on here I wrote a book that came out last year. It is available in the US if any of you are interested:

http://www.amazon.com/A-Pillar-Impotence-Mark-Edgar/dp/1849913951/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1343641866&sr=8-1&keywords=A+Pillar+of+impotence

You may also have noticed my passion for a American football. I'm avidly mointoring the web for news of training camps and cannot believe that my beloved St Louis Rams can possibly be as bad as they were last year!

I Heard a Voice.

Another Step Forward.

It's another Sunday. I roasted a chicken and had a guest round for lunch. I do like cooking for others but sadly my small flat is hard to accommodate any more than one other person. It came out very well and we enjoyed a nice and reasonably priced Spanish white. I'm not normally a fan of white wine but I couldn't really have red wine with chicken-that would be too uncouth. Tonight it is leftovers.

Yet the main news today came away from the kitchen. I finally got a text from my friend Katherine to say that she has made it through proofing my book. Just a few adjustments to make then it will come back to me. E mail can be very useful sometimes.

After I have changed things following her suggestions it will go to another reader. He is a colleague at the university and thinks he can do it in 2 weeks at this quiet time of the year. I'm really hoping to submit it for publication before the end of the summer. Then it is down to the publisher.

And to the rest of the day? Avoid the showers and try to find something other than the Olympics to watch. Perhaps I will look at recent recordings.

I Heard a Voice.

The Waiting Room.

Well another week over. What a way to end it with such spectacular opening to the London Olympics! My friends Isobel and Hugh were there and I know a few people who went to the technical rehearsal. From what they all said TV got nowhere near capturing the full glory. And so today to competition.

Today's the morning after. I slept well-only one night time wake up-and am now contemplating my cooking extravaganza later. I will be doing a slow roast lamb shoulder from Extramadura in Spain, La Caldereta. Flavoured with thyme, bay, fennel, rosemary, garlic and wine it looks like a winner. Then tomorrow I will roast a corn fed free range chicken.

Some of you are no doubt wondering if the jury of 2 weeks ago has delivered its verdict. Sadly the answer is no. I do know there has been some movement and the Deputy Head of HR and the Registrar have to meet again. What I don't know is if that is good or bad. We will see.

Mood is good today, the sun is out and I'm looking forward to quiet peaceful weekend. Hope everyone else is too.

I Heard a Voice.

PS Katherine has nearly finished proofing "Charon's Ferry", we are getting closer to submission.

The Cycle of Life.

It has been a glorious day today in Hertfordshire. Several times during breaks today I sat by the lake next to my office. It is perfectly clear at this time of year and ostensibly still. But looking closer there were scores of small ripples on the surface as the sun glinted off the water. It was alive with dragonflies. That is one of my favourite sights of the summer. Yet it is but a short time before they go.

Today made me think about the cycle of life. That of the dragonfly must be short being that I see them for barely a few weeks when the sun is at its most glorious in July. That along with the cherries. Dragonflies like all living organisms are designed to do only two things: to survive and to reproduce. That is all they are there for.

So why this comment on a blog devoted to madness? The link of course survival. We do not know why the mental ill have such high suicide rates. Some might say 20%. Yet isn't that the ultimate madness? We are designed to survive yet some choose not to. I know all about that and it is one of my greatest strengths as practitioner. I know because I was there.

When I worked for CMHT they kept banging on about boundaries and what was appropriate. What bullshit. When the shit hit the fan and people were wanting to die they called me in. I guess I had a purpose for them. I did of course blog in March on the tragic loss of one of my students. It goes with the territory however good we are at what we do.

But back to the summer. So nice that it has arrived in time for the Olympics. Let's hope it stays.

I Heard a Voice.

PS Just talked to my dad, he seems to think it is an excellent idea to have goose at Christmas!

A Different Sunday.

Regular readers will recall that most Sundays I have a quiet day listening to Mozart, Handel, or Haydn and reading. But today has been different.

As it is the cricket season I would normally have the test match on in the background and read. But after England's disastrous performance yesterday I fancied a change. So was the my flat rang out to the voices and words of David Bowie, Bob Marley, and Nina Simone. Music having just finished, dare I look at the cricket?

It is nearly time for tea as my shoulder of pork slow roasts in the oven emitting a wonderful smell that can only be Sunday. I think I must call my dad later, not spoken for a while. Tomorrow I go back to quietness of my summer work. I have a leaving lunch to go to but that is about it. Then on Tuesday more goodbyes to students. Sometimes the summer is so hard in that respect.

I Heard a Voice.

Living With Uncertainty.

Yesterday I was talking to one of my bipolar students. His tutor tells me he is a once in a generation student. I am well aware of his brilliance. However, bipolar has cost him almost all of this year. He is talking of walking away. But that would let bipolar win. Can we ever let our illnesses win?

Well I did for years. I'm much more in control now but there is forever that fear. The fear it will come back. I tcomes of all of us with a mood disorder. Him and me. I think by the end I had talked him out of leaving.

But what of me? It has been a week of erratic mood swings. Days where for no reason I feel low. Days of no energy and others of being fine. It is hard to live with uncertainty. That is my life though, forever living with a brain that cannot control my mood properly.

I feel somewhat better today and less tired. I slept okay for nearly 10 hours with a couple of dream interruptions-nothing bad though. Not done much beside watch the cricket; that is not going well. I have just made a cottage pie to put in the oven later and will return to that old staple of mine slow roast shoulder of pork tomorrow. Even bought some fennel to roast with it. If you have never tried fennel with pork give it a go, it is wonderful.

Now I think it is time for Darjeeling tea.

I Heard a Voice.

PS This is post number 150-can't believe I have had that much to say in the last couple of years!

An English Breakfast.

The English writer Somerset Maugham once said that "to eat well in England a man must eat breakfast 3 times a day". It is true that the English breakfast is most fine. I'm not sure of the exact quote as I lifted it from one of Rick Stein's programmes. Perhaps Maugham's comment does our culture a disservice but he had a point. It is one of our finest efforts although not very good for us.

I don't eat breakfast, let alone a fry up in the morning. All I can stomach is strong black coffee. I love fried breakfasts but usually for brunch. For all my culinary adventures I do return to the staples of bacon, eggs and whatever comes to hand.

Tonight that was all I had. But to make it extra special as I cooked it in goose fat. I get few readers from France but one of its greatest export comes from the use of good fat in Gascony. Cue red wine which is rumoured to be the reason heart disease rates there are the lowest in Europe. Today was the last of my goose fat.

Which reminds me, I wonder if I can persuade my dad to get a goose for Christmas? Not even sure of my plans yet but I would certainly like to try to replicate last year's glorious lunch.

Today has been a better day. The sun has come out and despite being shattered when I got up I have had more energy. It is relief from yesterday when a strange listlessness came over me in the evening and my mood slumped. I was telling my friend Karen today that there is distinction between depression and a depressive illness. Perhaps the most frustrating feelings of living with a life time mood disorder is that it can come back any time. I had no reason to have mood swing last night, it just happened.

Great to see so many readers this months, I think I am headed for my all time record month for views. Nice too to see my friend Zoe on here-she has been blogging far longer and more popularly than me for a long time. Welcome Zoe.

I Heard a Voice.

Country Pubs and Yorkshire Puddings.

It is a Sunday, the day I like to listen to music, read and cook a fine roast dinner. Well I listened to Handel's Saul, the recording I spent 5 days watching but was not allowed to sing in in the summer of 1979-believe me, all you would be music stars, recording in the main long, boring and tedious. I read the Sunday Times and generally had a quiet day. The beef is out coming up to room temperature and going in the oven about 6 pm. Yet today has been different.

Different in 2 ways. Firstly I went to country pub for a pint of IPA and very good it was too. It was something I used to do regularly but with my austerity measures still very much in place something I have not done for a while. If you are ever in Hertfordshire take some time to head for Tewin and go to the Rose and Crown.

When I got back I had tea then did what I had been dreading all day. Yes for the first time in my life I have made a Yorkshire pudding batter. I love Yorkshire puddings although being a purest I heartily disapprove of people eating them with anything other than roast beef. It is an area I pubs let us down on but it seems to be fashionable. The batter looks good but I'm not sure how it will turn out. I very much hope I have seasoned it better than I did with yesterdays tagine-that was most disappointing.

After I have consumed copious quantities of very rare beef-sorry I buggered it up last time I was down dad-I think I might watch a film. Tomorrow I have dubious pleasure of having decorators round-why do these people think you can drop everything to accommodate them? I wonder what next week will bring?

I Heard a Voice.

The Jury is Out.

Well hello to you all. Yes I say all as numbers have been rocketing again. It seems particularly popular in Russia and the USA at the moment. I wonder what that says about the world?

Apologies to those of you who expected me to blog on Thursday. I was actually too tired. As for the result of my epic life changing meeting? Thus far not outcome. That said they did listen, the took on board the unique nature of my job, the dangers and the tough decisions I sometimes have to make. It went well as far I could see. They will now go away and try to form some sort of data entry to their rather bizarre system. They were vague on time scale but I hope to know in 2 weeks.

I came home very tired. That tiredness continued yesterday and I was in bed by midnight which is unheard of for me. It was a mixed day. I was glad to have got through the meeting but had to say goodbye to one of regulars-and yes I know you will be reading this. It was her choice and I intend as I do with many of my students to stay in touch. Very kindly she gave me flowers and a lovely card. I'm not very good with plants but I hope they will last the 7 days promised on the packaging. She also raved about what I had done for her. That is always strange for me. I live in a strange work duality of knowing I am up there with the best but also knowing and feeling a complete failure when I don't get it right. The remnants of an NPD? Maybe. Like all of you out there I have traits of personality disorder but that is not my illness.

I woke up too early for my liking today but did feel uplifted. It is a quiet day for me. I shopped-lamb shanks for a tagine with peas and tomatoes tonight and beef for a rare roast tomorrow. I am going to try for the first time in my life to make Yorkshire puddings-wish me luck.

Back home I have cleaned and am doing the washing-boring stuff I know. I'm quite glad on cleaning days when it is humid that my flat is small-I think I would lose half a stone in weight hoovering a big house. A big house, something I doubt I will ever have. But if I do it will have one essential element-a massive kitchen.

Now i will settle back with Ziggy Stardust and a spot of Hemingway-a truly quiet Saturday.

I Heard a Voice.

PS If you are interested in the tagine get the Moro series of cookbook:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Casa-Moro-Samuel-Clark/dp/0091938538/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1342273430&sr=1-2

How Will the Fates Conspire?

The Clash wrote a song in the late 1970s (I think) called "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" From what I recall it is about a relationship. But it implies there is a choice that is in the hands of the singer. Neither option is palatable but at least there is a choice.

Sometimes in life we do not control over our choices. By this time tomorrow I will know whether I will stay or seek to go from the university. Sadly it is not in my hands. For tomorrow I must face what the fates throw at me in my long running pay dispute.

I have to face a formal appeal tomorrow whose format I know not. I have laid out my case in a detailed letter so I guess I can just follow that. What the outcome will be is anyone's guess. I don't believe I have a hope of winning yet I can but try.

And so to the choice, stay or go. If things go in my favour I will stay. If they don't I will start looking in earnest elsewhere. But there is little out there.

There is a further consideration, my mood. By convincing myself I will fail I'm hoping to cushion the blow and limit the fall out. I have learned from bitter experience that that is a better way to be. Sometimes though my addled mind won't let me do that.

Whether I blog tomorrow I will decide when I get home.

I Heard a Voice.

Shameless Self Indulgence.

I have a favour to ask of all my loyal blog friends to indulge my ego. If you like what you see on this blog and feel it could go further please feel free to nominate it for a Mind Media Award, see link below:

http://www.mind.org.uk/blog/7066_submit_your_favourite_bloggers_and_tweeters_for_the_mind_media_awards

For those unaware, Mind is one of the most influential mental health charities in the UK. I have received a lot of support from them over the years as well as working for them in paid and unpaid capacities.

Don't think there is any financial gain to be made by a nomination but the kudos would be good and maybe it can then spread my passion for madness and food to many others.

Thanks in advance.

I Heard a Voice.

A Late Lunch.

There is an all pervading smell of roasted cloves and ham here. Yes it is time a belated Sunday lunch. I've done very little today other than read and listen to the Magic Flute. I also listened to an excellent recording of Benjamin Britten's work. When I was a child we used to sing at Snape during the Aldeburgh Festival. I knew not at that time that it was inspired by Britten. I have decided that my next CD purchase will be Peter Grimes.

Tomorrow I return to reality. My mystery ailment has all but gone now and I'm none the wiser what it was. Why are Doctors so vague? I went back on Friday and the Doctor tried to tell me it was a side effect of medication. Very unlikely given that I have taken that drug for the best part of 19 years without a problem.

What I don't know yet is when and if motivation will return. Perhaps if Thursday's show down goes well it will. But I seriously doubt it will go in my favour.

More soon.

I Heard a Voice.

PS The Palestinian kebabs on Friday were a mighty triumph!

Hark, a Deafening Silence

I am waiting for a voice from the north. Yet all I hear is a deafening silence. Sadly that is as I had expected-a world obsessed with pieces of paper clearly doesn't want to hear my voice. I have heard nothing from Cambridge. It seems ever the way with the honourable exception of my present employer, no one else seems able to look beyond what I lack and take in what I do. I expect the silence to continue.

I remain unwell with this mystery ailment. It appeared to be a kidney problem but now seems to have morphed into pain on the left side when I eat. I suppose I ought to go back to the Doctor but who knows if that will be more conclusive.

That brings me to main point of this post, voices and Doctors. I am as I have openly acknowledged a voice hearer. That now is exceedingly rare, such is the power of my risperidone. But when I was at the surgery on Monday there was no acknowledgement of my psychosis on her screen. There were 3 diagnoses, from 1991, 1994, and 2001-all were wrong. Whatever happened to the incontrovertible truth that I have a mood disorder with psychosis? Am I a liar? Is my book a complete fraud? Or do Doctors just lie?

Were I a liar I seriously doubt that my book would be on the essential reading list for our mental health nurses. If I was lying, why would so many different groups ask me to come and lecture to their students? Why do people who come to my training courses feel so uplifted? Why do so many who have heard my story or read my book describe it as "inspirational"? Is that the work of a liar? I guess others should judge that.

I have been around Doctors for years on both side of the mental health divide. Whether they are liars I do not know but what I do know is that what they tell you and what they tell each other are not always the same thing.

11 years on I am still ruing the day that the brilliant psychiatrist Heather McAlister suddenly left the employment of the Kent Mental Health Trust. Not that I do not wish her well-I certainly do. But she left before we could formally diagnose my illness. One might say who cares so many years on? Well I care, I have never lied about my illness.

I Heard a Voice.

The Inglorious Summer.

Well, it has been raining again. We have had the odd glimpse of sun but it is yet another poor day. There is one bonus with this awful weather, there is a distinct lack of flies and wasps compared to last year. I guess though we English are used to such troubles-that is part of being English.

I remain off work with my apparent kidney problem. Yesterday morning I felt considerably better but it all returned later in the day. Today I don't feel too bad although for good measure I seem to have also developed a problem with my wrist which is rather painful-no idea how that happened. I seem to be falling apart.

Mentally I continue to be flat. Not really depressed but more resigned and flat. It seems so long since my flying mood of the winter before it all went wrong. I long for those days but they don't seem to want to come back. I am buoyed though by the upswing in readers on here in the last couple of days-long may it continue.

I am currently boiling some eggs to do what my book tells me is a medieval Egyptian dish for lunch-Baid Mutajjan. Hard boiled eggs are lightly fried in olive oil then dipped into a mix of cumin, cinnamon, coriander, and salt. Sounded nice-I will report back some time later.

And then a quiet afternoon of Ernest Hemingway. I find it so boring being off work. I have not stepped foot in the pub for 3 days nor indeed drunk. The most I have managed is Chinese tea which so far doesn't appear to be doing any harm. But God I want to get well.

I Heard a Voice.

Glorious Coffee.

I have always loved coffee. Even as a very small child a drank it although it was usually cold by the time I could drink it. There are few things better than coffee to wake one up in the morning. As my illness took hold in 1990 my consumption increased dramatically. By the time I got to my last term in the summer of 1991 I was consuming 20-25 cups a day. And I like it strong. Of course I couldn't sleep under those circumstances although that was as much about the turmoil in my mind and the hitherto undiscovered voices as it did to caffeine.

In recent years I have really cut down on the coffee. Rarely do I have more than a cup and half a day now. I've done very well on that-perhaps all I need to do is tackle the beer and fags now and I will be a walking picture of health.

So why coffee today? Well it the first day I have not drunk any in many years. Of course this is not what I had planned. It is a response to what appears to be a really painful kidney infection. Well that is what it seems to be. What started as a feeling of eating too much roast pork on Sunday morphed into something far worse. I saw a Doctor which was inconclusive but as last night progressed all the the signs and pain suggested the kidneys.

I'm in less pain today but utterly wiped out. It is a diet of water and medication for me for a while. For good measure I also have an eye infection so I am resembling a walking pharmacy at the moment. Let's hope it goes soon.

I Heard a Voice.