Powerless, a Fortuitous Break.

Day 1 is over. Much of it went without incident but of course the unexpected happened. A long time ago, back when I first started my friend Kym told me that I had all the responsibility in my job but with absolutely no power. And God has she been proven right over the years.

So today, late on I was confronted by a real problem but absolutely no power to do anything about it. In years past I had a fall back plan, my great friend Geri. Now in another job but still around I have worried for months what would I do when shit and fan collided and I have no power to do anything.

All was not lost as purely by chance I bumped into Geri. I've not seen her for weeks. Within an hour she had sorted it. I wonder what I will do next when she is not around.

I held my own today until late then that anxiety that has been lingering for some time came back. Still in the dark and receiving contradictory messages I can only see this state continuing. A year ago I was short listed for an award for innovation in my work on student support integration. Now what I predicted appears to have come to pass. And I'm stuck in the middle. More will be known on Wednesday but I'm not optimistic about an outcome that helps me.

On the plus side I have a tagine bubbling away, that will fill me up tomorrow. And now back to Detroit and Denver from last night. The season is in full swing and taking up far too much of my time.

I Heard a Voice.

A Kitchen Let Down.

Sunday is here again. The sun is shining although I've not really been out to enjoy it. Idomeneo accompanied by cooking. The music was beautiful, the lamb not my best. I do so dislike overcooking things. Hoping for medium rare it looked hopeful as it rested but sadly disappointed, not much sign of pink and pretty tough. Perhaps that's the price I pay for using Waitrose rather than the butcher.

The latest rugby World Cup match is on. After England's surprise defeat at home yesterday the faithful must all be reeling. How on earth did we blow that lead? I would hazard a guess that that has to rank up there with Wales' greatest ever victories. No gloating from Miriam-her attending Cardiff University seems to have given her an affinity to the Welsh. Given the number of rugby fans at work some comment is inevitable tomorrow.

Tomorrow, yes, the weekend has gone all too quickly. The real onslaught starts tomorrow for me. Not sure if anything has happened over the weekend but no doubt I will be the first port of call if incident happened.

I feel a bit flat today. Hovering in that no man's land of 0 on my scale. My anxiety starts to grow from the moment I wake up on a Sunday. Am I ready for what is to come? I don't feel very ready.

I'm not sure when I will next be on here. I anticipate exhaustion in a abundance in the week from now on for several months. But I will try to at least catch up on here. Bye.

I Heard a Voice.

A Country Lunch.

My apologies for my recent silence. It is nearly a week since I was last on here. In truth this week has been so up and down I haven't really felt like communicating much. Once again I find myself pulled in 3 different directions and a mass of contradiction. All of which led to me feeling pretty ordinary to put it politely.

Yet now it is the weekend. I had a marvellous start as Beka came to visit. She had to take some more shots for her portrait commission so asked if she could stay again. Dinner at Hakalok followed by a couple of pints in The Hedgehog was great. Today as the sun shone we took a ride out into the country for a bite of lunch at The White Horse at Burnham Green. We had a pint there last time she visited but I've never eaten there. It was a revelation, duck confit terrine followed by a great wood pigeon salad. How has it taken me this long to finally eat there?

I've eaten out a lot this week with mixed results. On Tuesday I had an extremely expensive and quite frankly dreadful dinner at the highly rated Wellington at Welwyn. It was so awful I'm tempted for the first time to take out my ire on TripAdvisor. I've never seen fit to write on there before. My experience of The Wellington since I moved here has been very mixed. I will not go back again.

Leg of lamb is on tomorrow's menu, nicely pink in the middle I hope. Bought a nice bottle of Chianti to go with it. After that let us pray for a better week.

I Heard a Voice.

Not Cutting the Mustard.

I'm not sure where the phrase "cutting the mustard" comes from. I would like to say it is English but given the love our American friends across the sea have for hot dogs and mustard I suspect it may come from our colonial cousins. In the folly of my youth I rarely ate hot things. For years I swore I detested horseradish and English mustard. I simply didn't understand why anyone would want to sully beautiful roast beef and ham with such vile condiments.

Now, having just turned 46 I have corrected the youthful errors of my former years and wholeheartedly endorse the embellishment brought to Sunday lunch by horseradish and English mustard. Today it was ham and very good it was too.

On my post lunch Sunday walk I took a little detour to admire the local manor house, see cricket being played in glorious autumn sunshine, some young people with an American football and the local church. After my detour I took the slightly shortened route home and popped in the pub. It must have been a busy week as we have drunk them out of Doombar already and the dray doesn't come until Tuesday.

Back at home I'm listening to Handel's Coronation Anthems. Not the rather overexcited and sharp recording of my youth under Philip Ledger but a later and superior recording under Stephen Cleobury. I cannot really not mention King's now given that David Willcocks the director of music prior to Ledger died this week. I saw him a few times but never actually met him.

Other than I'm just reeling from a weekend of sporting shocks. If anyone ever failed to cut the mustard it has to the Springboks rugby team utterly humiliated by Japan yesterday in the World Cup. It is surely the greatest upset rugby has ever seen. And what about West Ham going away to Manchester City and coming about with a 2-1 victory? By contrast my Rams are surely favourites tonight against the Redskins.

Of course the Rams are not on TV-they rarely are. But I have 3 others games to entertain me though. See you all in the week.

I Heard a Voice.

Tea and Cake.

Hello, how are you all? Where has the sun gone? It has been lovely all day but gone all grey now. You find me at home with West Ham on the TV, a DVD to watch later, dinner to heat up and not much else.

In truth I set out to do very little today. My day started far too early after 3 anxious/bad dreams in the space of 3 1/2 hours. After the third I gave up. I did my usual Saturday trip to town to shop a little and look round. Then a nice bar lunch at The Waggoners. Back at home I called a couple of people, neither were in then just caught up on the Broncos - Chiefs game from Thursday night-what a disastrous ending for the Chiefs.

It has been such a day of little or nothing perhaps the highlight was stopping for tea and cake. Lapsang Souchong today along with some lovely sultana and cherry cake. I felt quaintly English doing that. Where would we English be without tea? Actually I only really drink a cup a day, always when I get home from work and a little earlier at the weekend.

All my friends are off on a charity walk tomorrow so it will be another quiet one. I do have some gammon to roast but no one to share it with. I'm not a big walker of distance so am supporting by hurling money in the pot. It is all in memory of our dear friend Jeff who died on New Year's Eve 2013 after battling leukaemia for some years. I do miss him so.

The weeks are moving fast until D Day for me. It all goes off on 28th. Given that in 3 of the 8 years I have been at the University a student has been sectioned in week 1 I always anticipate a bumpy start. Let us hope it is gentler this year. I'll see you all in the week.

I Heard a Voice.

Rainy Days and Stock Days.

It is properly autumnal out there today. The rain has been coming down all day although the gales promised have not reached here. I too remain under the weather and stayed home once again. Although I'm hungry I neither desire nor want to risk eating at this stage of proceedings. Might chance a sandwich later, I have just demolished the chicken carcass so that might suffice. Having had chicken it is now a stock day as it bubbles away furiously on my hob. Despite the delicious smell I still have no desire to eat.

I'm listening to the astonishing voice of Karen Carpenter to pass the time on this dull and ill day. What a voice and what a tragedy. When I meet students with eating disorders they always make me so nervous. The tragedy of losing a student to an eating disorder still hurts nearly 5 years on from then. I don't actually see very many of them and often the eating is a symptom of more complex personality type problems. Yes I remain sceptical of such a damning diagnosis but each year the number of students for whom that diagnosis is apt keeps rising. Last year they represented nearly 25% of my case load.

Why am I musing on work when I'm home unwell? I really should leave it for another day. With luck I will be sufficiently recovered to make that day tomorrow. Until then.

I Heard a Voice.

A Gentler Age?

My love of Rick Stein's cookery programmes and books is well known on here. Of the all the many series-I've seen each episode at least 15 times-the ones I love most are the Food Heroes series. Championing small producers, artisan makers and the wonderfully diverse food in this sceptred isle it brings back a thoughts of happier, simpler and more gentle times. The first series filmed in 2002 is being repeated this week. A warm glow of olden days which are now 13 years ago.

But were they so good and gentle? We were a year on from 9/11. War was upon us all. The British countryside was ravaged by the foot and mouth outbreak. And I was in desperate need of a job. I came off benefits late that year as I finally found a pair of part time jobs that actually paid a small amount to live on. It would be another 9 months before I finally found a full time job and moved out.

It is good to recall the finer memories of that struggle. I loved living at JB's. I started writing A Pillar of Impotence. I cooked and cooked and cooked. Yet it was never enough. I was always driven to do more, try harder and run faster to escape my past.

Now all these years later I find myself in another world. I never escaped my past and remain at times unhappy in my present. Why am I never content and satisfied? Will I find that some day? I don't know.

But back to today I have not been at my best. Feeling nauseous all day I have barely eaten. It has the feel of last night's dinner not being quite right. Let's hope for better feeling tomorrow.

I Heard a Voice.

An Elderly Man.

At this time every year a number of students ask if I will come to their graduation and to meet their mums. I never go to graduation hence my complete ignorance and anxiety about my own ceremony last week. I tend to shy away from people's families. A few demand to talk to me during the year but I'm not allowed to talk to them. In truth graduation is their day not mine.

Today though something slightly different happened. A student and her mum came in to see me. E is not from this country. Her culture as an indigenous person in her home country is alien to me. She has bipolar and in my small way I guess I helped her through. Her mum told me today that she didn't expect what E described as "an elderly man" would be able to help. How old does that make me feel? Actually it was quite funny and once again illustrated just how challenging young people find describing older people. No offence taken. Nice to have good chocolates too and I very much hope they both enjoyed her ceremony this evening.

It was good spending the day with Beka yesterday. It is some months since anyone came to stay and I had forgotten how much I enjoyed the company. I do pretty well living alone most of the time. But change is good. We had some slow roast belly pork for supper and went to a nice country pub. Her meeting went well today.

Back to tonight my satellite dish is giving me grief. I have to unplug it from time to time and it does get temperamental. It should right itself though.

What will tomorrow bring? We will see.

I Heard a Voice.

Mendelssohn for a Change.

Hail and salutations. You find me on a warm Hertfordshire afternoon at home. Shopping is done, there is a fine Greek roast chicken with lemon and oregano in the offing and I'm listening to Mendelssohn's oratorio Elias. In some funny way this quiet Saturday in September has seen a political earthquake with the opposition Labour party lurching further to the left with the election of Jeremy Corbyn as the new leader. The really funny thing is that this is being applauded by the left and right wings of politics. The left see it as a radical shift in line with people's expectation. The right feel this decision will keep them in power for the next decade. What a curious state of affairs.

I do not profess to understand the intentions of the Labour party supporters but I'm baffle how they think this will help their cause. My friend James who until recently was chair of the local Labour party and now a councillor thinks it's a good thing. I think he has lost all sense and reason. I suppose we will know an outcome in 5 years time.

Beka is coming to stay tomorrow. She's not been here for ages and requested belly pork for dinner. I'm most happy to oblige. She has an important meeting nearby on Monday morning so we finally get a chance to see each other.

As for me I'm taking work only a day at a time. Yesterday was not too bad but still have a dread most mornings when I prepare to go in. Too many chiefs and not enough Indians; not easy taking directions from 3 different people and that the information given to me differs from that given to others. The bullet will start flying soon so I just hope we can resolve the bureaucracy I'm suddenly faced with before then.

So now it is back to Mendelssohn, it makes a nice change from Mozart.

I Heard a Voice.

A Special Day.

Hello, have you missed me? Viewers seemed to disappear whilst I was away. Hope you come back. Well I'm back home now on the final day of my allocated annual leave.

If you have been following the news you will no doubt have noticed that today is a special day for royalists in the UK. For today Queen Elizabeth II becomes the longest serving British monarch in history. Of course for some she is a divisive figure. I'm a fan although I have never met her. I've met her son the Prince of Wales and her sister the late Princess Margaret, but although I have seen her twice that was as close as I got.

Yet the title of today's post does not refer to the Queen's day. It is for yesterday. The day I graduated with a Master of Science degree. We had a lovely day despite my anxiety. All went smoothly, a number of friends were there to witness my achievement along with dad and Miriam. Although I took a shortened route-I only had to do 90 of 180 credits as my books and teaching counted-it has been a long journey. I worked very hard and feel proud of what I have achieved. People keep asking if I will go on to do a PhD. Maybe but I'm nowhere near ready to do that. One day perhaps.

I have to return to the grind tomorrow. The inbox is groaning, the demands are mounting up and I still have no desire or motivation to deal with it all. That doesn't really bode well for the autumn. But by hook or crook I will make it through to Christmas.

I Heard a Voice.

The Waning of Summer

September, the month of creeping chills, misty mornings, leaves beginning to turn. In many ways I'm very fond of this time of year. It is a time of rebirth for those of us who work in the education industry. A time of new beginnings for many thousands of young people as they transition from education by rote and laid out carefully to you are on your own. Now my studies are finished I have a greater understanding of the world of my students. At times studying for my MSc was a very lonely business.

As the sun came out on the waning summer today that chill is in evidence. The last day of my holiday moves towards its end with the smell of pork roasting and Mozart's Litaniae de Venerabili Altaris Sacramento in E flat major accompanies my afternoon musings. As ever it has gone all too quickly. I do not feel ready or happy to be going back but back I must go. Yes I'm off Tuesday and Wednesday for graduation but the mayhem starts soon enough and will not end until Easter.

My mood is a little flat and I still yearn for more sleep but it is too late for that. I'm not struggling just lacking in motivation to carry on to the next part of the journey. No doubt on the good days it will fly and on the bad days crawl. Christmas will loom far quicker than we can imagine. A lot of things to go through before then though.

So at the end of summer I wish you all well for coming autumn, may it be prosperous and rewarding for all my kind readers out there. I will return soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Time Running Out.

Greetings to all my wonderful readers. Well as I said it all went so quickly. I have but a single night left when I can get up at a reasonable time then back to that sometimes awful thing called reality. Actually I woke up feeling refreshed thank goodness. It was about time after lacking during my fortnight holiday.

Went for a drive, a little lunch, a pint at The Waggoners before home for dull domesticity. To mark the coming of autumn I'm cooking beef in beer in the oven flavoured with fresh bay and thyme. I bought a lovely spare rib pork joint yesterday for a fine Sunday roast-I suspect I might have a small glass of Rioja with that.

After work on Monday I head to St Albans for graduation. I'm meeting my friends Kym and Peter for a nice Thai dinner that evening. Then comes the big day. I'm proud of what I achieved in the MSc. I still feel a bit of a fraud but if nothing else I did work hard. I wonder if it will ever take me anywhere?

But back to tonight I quite fancy watching a film. Will have to give that some thought on what to dig out of the cupboard. See you soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Transitions to the Future.

As I noted in my last post back to school is in full swing. Facebook is awash with photos of tiny children going for their first day at school, tearful mums and commiserations on how fast time flies. It was a long time ago that I went to school. Too long ago to remember. But I do recall the day in 1978 when I first went to Cambridge to board-I couldn't wait to get there. I was in for something of a shock a week or so later when the choir came back from touring Japan and I saw the fearsome violence of those seeking perfection in my first choir practice. Today children are protected, back then they were not.

My mind also turns to that strange limbo land of those about to go off to University for the first time and that extra few weeks of nothing. In the summer of 1988 I worked in a small factory. It was dull work but they were nice people, it got me out of the house and gave me some money. Come September I stopped working, did a trip to Sussex for our final weeks of nothing and prepared for Cambridge. Yes back I went.

Today's students also face that unknown. They still seem so young to me. They use words like mature a lot but know little of it's meaning-did any of us at that age? Then they take their scary transition steps into a world where they have more responsibility, more temptation and more people. Those who were brilliant in their previous worlds may not be now. They will get competitive. All the students I see will be seeking perfection and wanting to save the world. University is not always all it is cracked up to be.

They prepare and I seek comfort in my final 2 days of holiday. I'm listening to Peter Grimes, doing a little reading, contemplating the curry I will cook later and pleased that I have finally ordered a graduation photo for dad. I'm not bothered but I knew he would want a nice framed picture.

Tomorrow is another day, the final day. I had hoped to go to Borough Market with Dory having postponed last week but she has to work. I will have to find something else to do.

I Heard a Voice.

Seasonal Change.

So here we are again. September has arrived. It's only 8.00 pm and it's almost dark outside. Facebook is filled with mums bemoaning how busy Clarks the shoe shop is for back to school shopping and by the end of the week many photos will have gone up of that first day at school for their little darlings. The nights are getting cooler and it is more uncomfortable leaving the windows open.

And me? I'm just relieved to still be on holiday. Energy is inching back although I'm still sleeping long into the next day. A little cooking, a hair cut and some shopping have all I have achieved today. I'm going out for dinner tomorrow with our former Dean of Students David at The Horns. It's been a while since I was there.

A week today I will be in St Albans Abbey dressed on my finery receiving my MSc award. Seems faintly ridiculous that someone as artsy as me can get a science degree. It adds fuel to my belief that mental health and psychiatry are anything but science.

Another gentle day tomorrow I think. Hopefully a little less tired and will get up a little earlier. All too quickly it will pass and the mayhem will start again. Give it 2 weeks and I'll have forgotten the tranquility of these days as I'm buried in chaos. Oh well, it is only a job.

I Heard a Voice.