Happy New Year!

The final posting of the year-Happy New Year!!! Here's to the new year and new beginnings!

I Heard a Voice.

Back in my own Kitchen.

Well after a slightly longer Christmas holiday than I'd planned I am finally home. Most of the snow has gone up here and none more looks likely at the moment. Not been up to much except going into town, looking at the sales (and being very good by not spending too much money) and shopping for a fine feast tonight.

There is something curiously British about the Sunday roast. We all seem to do the same thing every week. But in my place, it is not just confined to Sundays. In fact as I was at the Boxing Day run on Saltwood last Sunday I missed the roast. Good day though and managed to catch up with many old friends. So I thought it thoroughly appropriate to make up for Sunday and indulge my kitchen with some old fashioned roast pork.

Hour and half to go then time to feast. And there is good reason to celebrate. I sat up late to see England finally win the Ashes in Australia-that hasn't happened for 24 years.

So pork, wine, beer and cricket highlights are what's in stall for me tonight.

Hope everyone survived Christmas and may you all have a very Happy and Peaceful New Year.

I Heard a Voice.

PS Off to London tomorrow-more old friends to see!

Happy Christmas!

Hi everyone,

Well it's nearly here. Christmas is but a few hours away and I will be celebrating in style. Such a change from the past.

In years gone by, the time before risperidone Christmas was one of my darkest points of the year. There is nothing worse than being surrounded by people celebrating when one is chronically depressed. But that was my past. Now my mood is up, it's time to party and I know I will wake up feeling alive tomorrow.

For those who are reading this, whatever your state of mind I wish you all a very Happy Christmas and a wonderful and prosperous New Year.

I Heard a Voice.

Old Haunts but no Voices.

Well, I made it via a very precarious rail journey down to Kent. Had to change plans and come down on Monday to beat further appalling weather and left my car at home. But hey ho I'm here now.

I've lived off and on in Kent since I was 10 years old. The family moved down here in 1979 and my mum and dad still live in the same house. Not much changes, my mum swims in the sea in all weathers-she was in today despite the snow and ice; and they say I'm mad? People come and go but they always seem to be drawn back to the sea.

Kent has some very mixed emotions for me; it was here that I spent most of the darkest times when my madness was completely out of control. One of thing that emerged out of the darkness was a strange psychotic affinity for certain places, sounds, people and objects. My madness was characterised by symbolism.

So I found myself this morning walking a well trodden route through the melting snow to my old secret place by the water. In those days it was hidden from land and water but is now quite open and well used. That is a shame but progress brings some change. It was there that I talked incessantly to her voice-it was only after 1994 that the man's voice arrived-listened the mental jukebox, and slumped into the morass that was my insanity. It was a lonely silent place amongst the reeds, lillies and bullrushes (is that how you spell it?). One sunny summers day I spent a day with an adder not more than 4' away; it ignored me and carried on sunning itself.

Then one day I could no longer go there; too much pain. But now the pain has passed and I'm once again free to go where I like. But there is still that quiet, dark memory that one day my madness will strike again; it's a fear most of us live with.

Should be on here again before Christmas.

I Heard a Voice.

Beating the "Experts".

When I lasted posted on here, a shameful 2 weeks ago, the UK was gripped by snow and ice. That has all gone. But we're expecting it back next week so whether I make it to Kent for Christmas is in the lap of the gods.

So what have I been up to? Too much if I'm honest. Life is just as hectic but will slow down after tomorrow. I'm off to Cambridge tomorrow, my spiritual home. Business first then hoping to see my friend Jayne and her new baby then meet up with my sister for dinner. Friday brings a tidying up day then our department Christmas dinner. After that it's party time. For the first time since I started working part time I have 3 weeks off out of choice. The only other times I've been ill.

Talking of being ill, sometimes I almost imagine that I imagined my mental illness. I'm just so well now that sometimes I don't believe my past myself. But of course each night I take my risperidone and realise I need it.

Something someone said to me few weeks ago struck a cord-"even the Maudsley gave up on me". For those who don't know of the Maudesley it has a reputation of being the elite mental health hospital in the UK if not beyond. I never went to the Maudesley but I did spent 4 months in an equally renowned hospital in London. It was in the spring and summer of 1994; I was 24 years old.

Whilst not quite as grim as many other facilities that passed for "treatment" in those days, it was nevertheless a relentless grind. They took those who were deemed by others to be untreatable. So we were the elite of nutters. I refused to comply and was therefore cast off into the wilderness and deemed beyond help.

But I did survive and now thrive. I defeated the greatest mind psychiatry had to offer and I took some pride in that. But it was a grim pride and one born out of desperation. Salvation took another 7 years to find.

Sadly not everyone is that lucky. What happens to the untreatable? In reality few people care and they are just a burden. Most end up with a label of personality disorder as I did. Whilst I wish professionals persisted more, I was wish that those in receipt of services did too. The enemy are not always the enemy; some of them are okay.

But earning trust is hard especially when you have been shat on a much as I have. If you can't find hope there is little chance. Perhaps it is down to me and my colleagues to try to find hope for those we work with.

And so to the rest of the week. My flat is full of junk, I need a serious tidying session. On the plus side I have bought all my Christmas presents, and for the first time ever I've even wrapped some of them before Christmas Eve. I'm living off leftovers, don't really want to be buying loads of food before I go away. But on a day of rare virtue I have had 7 portions of fruit and veg today-my Dr will be delighted!

Hoping to post again before Christmas. Take care.

I Heard a Voice.

PS I've saved a ham to poach in perry on Saturday; have to have some indulgence, it's nearly the holidays!

I'm a Technophobe.

Hail and salutations from a snowy, icy, windy, and freezing Hertfordshire. Winter has come early but not badly enough to keep me away from work. Hope it clears by the weekend as it now seems I singing in Sussex on Saturday.

As the title of this post suggests, technology terrifies me. I'm a complete idiot when it comes to that sort of a thing. I resisted e mail for years yet cannot do without it now. Blogs were a tremendous gamble but one that appears to be paying off both at work and here. My mobile does all sorts of fancy things but I'm too frightened to use them. Everyone says do everything online; when I do it always goes wrong. I don't like technology and sometimes I don't think it likes me.

But in the last week or so I discovered that I have a stats facility on here. And there are some of you out there who are reading this. As I pottered last night I made a further discovery; I can identify individual countries where viewers reside. Much to my surprise I now know that there are readers in the USA, Canada, and in Singapore. And there was me thinking just one or two friends here in the UK were reading even if I felt sometimes that they were just humouring me.

If you are out there, welcome and thanks for reading. I'm acutely aware that our winter blast here is nothing compared to that experienced in some parts of the USA and Canada but remember, it doesn't happen here often so we all shit ourselves when it does!

On the food front, I'm turning French today. Coq au Vin marinading in my fridge, simple but very pleasureable.

Take care in the snow and ice.

I Heard a Voice.

And Stop There!

After another week of chaos I have decided to dedicate this weekend to cooking and sport. Not sure if I've mentioned my love of sport before on here. Long gone are my days of playing rugby, American Football and rowing but I'm still an avid fan. I love cricket too but not so good at playing it.

So am settling down to some mixed results today; England lost the rugby and it looks like they'll lose the first Test in Brisbane. But not to worry, West Ham won for a change and am off to watch the University play American Football tomorrow if I'm not snowed in. Had some fabulous news in the week when I heard the Cambridge University Pythons American Football team is re-forming. I was president from 1990 to 1991, what a long time ago that was!

Funny how life changes. 16 years ago my prognosis when I left hospital was "likely to commit suicide within 6 months". Now that's hopeful from those who are supposed to help. Well I have news, I'm still here!

Talking of mental health I see the natives are getting restless on the benefits front. Lots of quite unpleasant stuff on the Mind website. Perhaps people have a point but I am the living embodiment of what can be done if you take risks, get the right help-even if it was 11 years too late-and seeing what life brings. I came off benefits partially in 1999 and completely in 2002. It took my another 8 years before I was better off but it was the best thing I ever did. My job may be under threat but I can't do anything about that, what will be will be.

Anyway, to food. Carbonnade of beef is in the oven and smelling delicious. It will be accompanied by mashed potatoes and cabbage with garlic, shallots and parsley. All washed down with a splendid bottle of rioja courtesy of my friend Richard who who will be coming over soon. Now that is way to spend a weekend, good company and good food.

For those purests amongst you, and there are some out there reading this, rioja is probably not the wine to go with it. But my experience of many French reds has been dreadful so am sticking to a good earthy and robust Spanish option instead.

Have a great weekend!

I Heard a Voice.

A Hectic November!

Greetings! No I haven't been lost in action over the past couple of weeks just incredibly busy. I see from here that I last posted on 7th November so if you have been reading apologies for not updating.

I am very well. Perhaps too well. This time last year I was certainly too well and paid the price by crashing the other way in January and getting signed off by my Doctor. Hoping to avoid a repeat of that this year.

It is now my fourth year at the university and have had an unusually complex group of people to support. All well and good, and indeed enjoyable. Sometimes though the statutory services I rely on can let me down. My relations across the county for the most part are very good. But there are some services who simply do not want to play ball.

So Thursday, Friday, and today was serious crisis management. Perhaps it would have been less so if those in power had made the hard decisions a few weeks ago! But hey ho, life goes on.

Tomorrow I will be told I lack self esteem. Bollocks! More on that soon. My problem is more that I have too much self esteem. Perhaps that is how I was for years described as a narcissist by the shrinks. They were wrong then and now. It's a label that is hard to get rid of but they now treat me with respect, something that was sadly lacking when I needed their help.

Work continues on my book. It is still being edited. Caused something of a delay but may get a wonderful cover picture for it when it finally comes out. All in the hands of others at the moment.

In the whole I am moving serenely through life despite the chaos around me. That may change in a couple of week though. I'm off to a memorial service on the 4th. Likely to be many ghosts from my past; all good I hope. But there is an outside chance I will see the faceless one; she who's voice haunted me for all those years. Unlikely but maybe there will be the physical embodiment of my psychosis standing in front of me; I will let you all know.

I Heard a Voice.

An Expose?

It's a quiet Sunday afternoon. Had my roast lamb which would have been better had I actually remembered to make the mint sauce and not put too much rioja in the gravy. Now drinking more rioja, listening to Perlman and Ashkenazy's brilliant recording of the Beethoven violin sonatas and contemplating last night.

Quite a good night really. Not as tired as Friday and had some interesting conversations about many things. Also had a conversation with someone I've never met before.

There's something about smoking ban that almost forces smokers to get to know one another outside. That duly happened. Whilst talking to a teacher and exercising my lungs the conversation came round to her two dogs. I hate dogs but whenever they are mentioned I always end up talking about the book.

She sounded quite interested which is good. Then she said something most unexpected: "Is it an expose?". Never been asked that before. I guess in a way it is.

The brutal realism of "A Pillar of Impotence" exposes the failings of care in the community, the limitations of the System and those who work it, and of course what happens when it goes wrong. I do not always come out in a good light either but I wanted to tell the truth. Or at least truth through my own mad and deluded eyes.

When I worked for Statutory Services I always wondered if I would lose my job when it came out. So in a way it is a relief that I no longer work there. But of course there will always be the reaction of the university.

But I'm taking the big gamble for more noble reasons. The truth has to be exposed and so be it if it causes scandal. In reality I probably won't sell enough books to warrant any interest anyway; I'm just not that important!

So I return to Beethoven and my rioja. Have a great Sunday.

I Herad a Voice.

God Belly of Pork is Good!

I've decided that today is a food post day! It's been a long and at times stressful week but it is now a quiet Saturday night, I'm drinking beer and feeling quite virtuous.

Having done the things I needed to do including cleaning which I hate, then I settled down to watch the rugby-thought England did well but not quite well enough! Then my thoughts turned to food. Some weeks ago I came across a website that is celebration of food-heaven for me! So I turned to said website and discovered a food survey (please see below).

One of the questions was about which dish is most impressive in one's offerings. Straight away I recalled the wonderful slow roasted belly pork with fennel seeds and garlic from Sam and Sam Clark's Moro book! But that was a coincidence for today as I had belly strips in the fridge. Sadly the usually equally wonderful twice cooked Szechuan belly pork was not quite so good today. But hey ho, sometimes we all fuck up!

When I stared cooking many years ago no one ever thought about belly; far too fatty. Now it seems to be on the menu of so many places. And of course there are so many ways to cook it; braised, roasted, stir fried. If one is clever it very easy to render out the fat which makes so just melt in one's mouth; shear decadence!

Tomorrow my thoughts turn to shoulder of lamb roasted with garlic, rosemary and thyme. And home made mint sauce. Now that is what quiet weekends are all about!

Until next time,

I Heard a Voice.

PS Take the survey!

http://www.theholyquail.com/

Do You Get Stressed?

I've actually had a good day. Sat at home on a quiet night-no interest in the Champions League-having consumed some splendid home cooked Thai BBQ ribs. So what to do? Well today as National Stress Awareness Day so I thought I'd do some blogging.

Today was virtually stress free for me! Actually most of my days a relatively stress free. Yesterday though was a different story. I was almost pulling what is left of my hair out by lunch time. Too much going on and too many people wanting me to do too many things all at the same time. The nature of what I do makes it difficult to drop everything and do something different but there are still some who think I can do this. In reality I can only manage one crisis at a time.

But that was yesterday. Stress free I had a look at the MIND website and discovered today is significant on the stress front. They had done some research that suggests that at work people are more likely to lie about sickness leave rather than admit it is stress related. So tell me something I don't know.

There are almost 100 MH advisors working across the Higher Education sector. As far as I'm aware only 2 of us work with staff as well as students; and I'm 1 of them. People fear admitting they are stressed especially in this climate. Yet everywhere I go people talk about their stress levels being up; they just can't take time off for that reason.

I am probably equally guilty. It is exceedingly rare for me to take time off for my mental illness. In fact I've only taken time off  3 times for those reasons since I found the Holy Grail in 2001. The last time was back in January. That was on my Doctor's advice and in the long run saved me from something far worse. I was back after 10 days although I worked part time for a few weeks after that. Much to my surprise everyone was incredibly supportive.

Now I'm fine and living a fairly stress free life; yesterday was the exception rather than the rule. That said I do sometimes get tired and I admit I do count down the days until the weekend-only 2 days to go!

I Heard a Voice.

Finding a psychiatrist.

How the world has moved on. 20 years ago when I really needed a shrink, I'd been in the system for 7 months before my consultant even bothered to meet me. He didn't actually speak to me directly for another 7 months-he thought my key worker more important than me! He's one of the few I will never forgive.

When I moved to Hertfordshire 3 years ago, I thought it was prudent to make myself known to services; afterall at that stage I had had a consultant for 16 of the previous 17 years. 6 weeks after the referral was made, I spent an hour with very pleasant but confused Russian junior Doctor who asked me all sorts of familiar but irrelevant questions about voices and suicide. In her confusion she allowed me to meet the almighty consultant who told me I was too well to need them but to call his secretary if I went into crisis and he would see me. Yeah right! Like that is really going to happen! So ended my engagement with secondary services.

I do jest slightly because doing my job I do have some clout and connections. I needed a psychiatrist to see someone tomorrow-hey presto he will arrive 18 hours after I called. The world is of course different for those of us who live on the other side of the fence.

Perhaps that makes me lucky. I just find it so ironic how things have changed. Many of us feel nothing has changed but I would beg to differ on some issues. I wonder how different my world could have been back in 1993 when the shrinks acknowledged in their notes that I had psychotic symptoms but neither told me nor did anything about them. I wonder what Early Intervention in Psychosis would have made of me then.

More soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Men of Power

An odd thing happened to me yesterday. I was tagged in a very old photo on Facebook. Nothing particularly odd in that on it's own. What was odd was seeing the face of someone from my past who had power over me. His tag was quite simple-God! It was a tag given by others and not a name I had ever associated with him.

There is another man from my more recent past who I called god. God at the time and god in my book. He was a man with power over me. And power can be a very destructive thing.

It is a terrible thing to feel powerless. Throughout the first few years of my illness I felt utterly powerless. Powerless in the face of severe mental illness and powerless at the treatment meted out to me. Decisions were made for me and I was expected to comply.

Compliance is a word I hear often from mental health professionals. But have they ever asked themselves the question what if I am wrong? Subsequent events in my life proved conclusively that so many people in my case got it wrong. Yet no one has ever admitted they got it wrong!

I'm treated differently now, I am part of the club so to speak; I am a professional. But I have little power. That feels safer than wielding influence where I might get it wrong.

I wonder of either of the two gods who form such a big part of story ever wonder if they got it wrong. Somehow I doubt it.

I Heard a Voice.

The Silly Season

I rather like politics. And we are living in interesting times. Cuts. Austerity. Misery. Crisis. We have a coalition government which is making savage cuts. And this is the season when the announcements come. The Political Party Conference season is coming to an end.

3 conferences; 3 grand collective egos; 3 different takes (or are they so differen). It is the silly season! The real question is how different would it be if the coalition hadn't happened? I guess each party like to blame the others for the cuts. What is clear is, whichever party was in power they would be doing exactly the same thing!

I seem to lie in socio-economic group that receive no benefits at all. I'm not married so I don't get a tax break. I have no children so the loss of child benefit means nothing to me. I'm not old enough to get a free bus pass or a winter fuel payment. I have disability but not one that warrants any financial assistance from the much derided DWP. I think the only thing I get is 25% off the council tax as I live alone.

But it is the disability part that most interests me and impacts on the lives of so many of my friends. I got lucky, I got out and off benefits. But many of my friends didn't. Political parties all talk about protecting the vulnerable and disabled. But who decides who is disabled?

The reality on the ground  is that disability is very clear but very arbitrary. In terms is the DDA many conditions are cover. They merely have to last at least a year and be judged prior to treatment. What that means for me is a) do I have a condition that will or has lasted a year? and b) should that be judged before treatment? The answer to both of those is yes. I've lived with my illness for 20 years, and I have an effective treatment which keeps me well. So I have a disability. That is accepted without hesitation by my employer and I'm treated accordingly.

But what would happen is I applied for DLA for my disability? I would be told to sod off as I'm too well. Therein lie the paradox. Am I or am I not disabled?

I have a voice, many of my friends don't. The judgement of their illnesses is both random and arbitrary. They have needs but who will protect the vulnerable if they don't meet someone else's criteria? These are the people I fear for not me. At least not at the moment.

Scary times ahead.

I Heard a Voice.

The Rage Has Now Died Down

It's funny, but I'm normally a very calm person. Every now and again though I have a day that is full of rage. Usually it triggered by the actions of other people. When I was last in hospital in 1994 they kept trying to provoke that rage; but I would never let them see it. Sadly yesterday was one such day. Fuming late into the night.

Fortunately the rage has been assuaged today and am back to my usual calm self. In a way I'm not too surprised, last week was one of so many swings.

Normally I love having a job; and more especially my job. For years I was too ill to work; now I work full time. It is rarely boring but sometimes extremely irritating. Almost every early morning brings me a feeling of yearning for old days when I went to bed late and got up very late. But I usually get over that feeling quite quickly.

So I'm quite glad it is Saturday. Been a very quiet day so far. Mozart playing quietly in the background; boeuf bourguinan is marinading; and I'm tapping away on here. My mind is empty which is quite often a good thing. No disturbance in mood either. Long may that last.

The year marches ever onwards; hard to believe we are in October already. Quite like autumn although I'm not so convinced by the cold and rain; neither are really evident today. Thank goodness though for quiet weekends!

I Heard a Voice.

God Moves in a Mysterious Way

Well it's been nearly a week since I was last on here. I had intended to do some blogging yesterday but my internet decided not to play ball.

First week of the new academic year, chaos ensued as expected but not quite as bad as last year. I've been doing quite lot of teaching this week. I'm not actually employed to teach but various programmes that are linked to mental health wheel me out a few times a year; most of the time it goes down extremely well. Today was excellent-I do so enjoy trying to shape the views of our future mental health professionals.

But it was one of the random turns of life that caught my attention. An e mail exchange leads to cup of coffee. Sat in Starbucks-yes we have one on campus-a most interesting proposition was put to me. Still early days and just an idea at the moment but if it does pan out it could take my life in a different direction. Won't be leaving Hertfordshire though.

Those who know me know that although I was brought up in religious way and went to school at religious schools I have rejected the idea of religion. But if there a God, he sure does move in mysterious ways! Too early to say what it is about but will comment on it if it pans out.

Bye for now,

I Heard a Voice.

It's Turning Colder

Greetings from a rather chilly Hertfordshire. It is nice to be back. I've spent much of the week in London. My feelings about London are often quite mixed; I enjoy visiting but I'm not sure I would want to live there. 16 years ago a spent some time in psychiatric hospital in south London so my view is to an extent a reflection of a very difficult period in my life.

I have many friends in London and am very grateful to my friend Eleanor for putting me up for 4 days. Those who have read previous blog will have already worked out my passion for food so East London is something of a mecca for me; curries and kebabs galore-not quite so good for the stomach or colesterol levels though!

The purpose of my visit was a rather high profile international confernece on mental health recovery. Big buzz word recovery in my world. I quite like the term and would indeed regard myself as being in recovery. But I am not cured of my psychosis, I just manage it better now. All the great and the good were there, the players, the known, and I guess people like me, those who want to get known.

Some parts were truely inspirational, the stories of lived experience, the young Italian man fighting his voices and telling his story in English. These things are what make conferences so special. There were also some excellent papers but still we battle with the so called "evidence base" of recovery. Bottom line, if there is no evidence base funding will dry up and the movement will die. Looks back a little to my justification post of a couple of weeks ago.

It was well worth going even though it left me utterly exhausted when I got home. Had one day in work yesterday then was on a training course today. So a different week.

I had planned to take it very gently today but all that changed when my phone bleeped in its inimitable way and a text from my friend and colleague Sonya asked if I could present a little bit today. So out came parts of the story. It went really well so feeling the warm glow of success; isn't it wonderful when someone says they got something positive about what one might say?

So to tonight; a wind down I think. Will be doing some Thai beef later and marinading Vietnamese ribs overnight. I do love cooking! Then I guess to the pub-as you may have gathered I rather like the pub!

More soon.

I Heard a Voice

PS The times noted on the blog of my posts are not actually right; so don't think I just blog at work-life can be deceptive!

The Annual Day in Court

Does anyone else get pissed off having to do appraisals at work? Do they have a real purpose? And of course the biggest question of all, what do I get out of them?

Today was my annual appraisal. It is the one event of the year that I really dread. Much to my surprise I came out of it feeling okay. Not sure what we have achieved, but hey, one less thing to worry about.

It was indeed in sharp contrast to last year when the most I learned was never really trust anyone, they could (and sometimes do) stab you in the back. I came away furious last year, not with my manager-that would be shooting the messenger-after someone in the very senior position whom I had only ever met over lunch decided to do just that.

But we will see how the next few months pans out, said person may discover that my book is out. I doubt it because I'm not that really important and said person no longer works there.

Life is indeed fickle, try to do something good and there is always someone there to snipe. That I suppose is the risk of writing a book. It has been a very long haul, from 2002 until the present, but am in the home straight now. The underlying fear always has been how the book will be received. Whilst it would be delightful if lots of people read it, I am then a target, ready to be judged.

For years I would never have been able to cope with that, hence the lengthy delay between deciding to write and actually doing it. And of course I had to be well enough to do it.

If I were to start the book today it might look different. But not radically so.

Maybe there will be the judgement of many before my next annual day in court.

Will probably be away from the blog for a week or so, having a busy week of conferences and parties which will probably keep off line completedly.

I Heard a Voice.

Voices and Faces From the Past

I've finally returned after a few days absence. Actually, just been either too busy or too tired to blog since Monday. Anyway, it has been a strange week.

About 2 years ago I received a random e mail from my old school. An American, who had apparently met me in 1980 had got in touch asking after me. All a bit strnage but I thought it might be fun to e mail him. Sadly it slipped from my mind until earlier on this week I found said e mail. Throwing caution to the wind, I fired off a short history since we had last met.

The response was rapid, within hours an e mail arrived in my inbox asking for contact details and wanting to talk. Strange how things can turn so quickly. Since then there has been a frequent exchange of e mails across the Atlantic and plans to speak on Monday.

But talking of a small world, said American has an interest in mental health. He has already bought an e copy of my book and is rapidly devouring it. More on the book in later posts. Perhaps there is a way in on another continent to market the book. The chance and randomness of life never ceases to amaze me!

Other than that an ordinary week. Survived work but is beginning to get a little too busy. God knows what will happen in the pandemonium that will ensue in 2 weeks when term starts.

Off for now, think I might have a beer now.

I Heard a Voice.

Self Justification

Well, I'm now at home listening to Offenbach, drinking a beer and have the quiet sound of Kheema Mutter slowly bubbling away on the cooker-I made it through the first day back!

Not too bad a day after I dealt with the hundreds of mainly dull e mails. Had one minor crisis to deal with, thank goodness the world doesn't stop moving whilst I'm away. I'm really not that important. Then came to the delights of the day, statistics and my long delayed Annual Report.

Whether anyone actually reads it in detail I have no idea. It will of course report that in year 3 of my job at the University I saw more students than the year before; and indeed the year before that. The one thing that really irritates me about working, and the report bears that out, is that I always have to justify my existence.

This brings the even more interesting question of how one measures the effectiveness of mental health workers, or indeed services on a wider scale. Sadly I'm something of a one man band.

Is it how many of my students pass their courses? How many service users stay out of hospital? How many come off medication-in my experience of secondary services very few? How many get in to work? Or perhaps the bottom line is how many survive? Did someone say suicide prevention? (I sit on a working group on that!).

Perhaps more pertinent are the views of the funders! They are always at the root of everything that goes in mental health.

I'm never quite sure how to justify myself in this most interesting and varied field. For the time being I still have a job. Maybe cuts will put paid to that.

Talking of cuts, I'm not sure how new they are. Since I started work in 2001 I have worked for a Further Education College, a charity, Social Services (twice) and a University. Every year, in every organisation budgets have been cut.

I do however fear for the future of my many friends who do not work. Times are changing and we will see what reform brings. Even when well I struggled with unemployment and unemployability; when I finally found work it took me 8 years before I was better off than on benefits. More of that in the future though, Kheema Mutter almost done.

Bye for now.

I Heard a Voice.

Lazy Sundays

Hi, I'm back.

As is my usual practice I'm having a quiet lazy Sunday. Been listening to Mozart and reading most of the afternoon. In fact with the exception of the girl in the shop I've not spoken a word to anyone all day.

It is sometimes very odd living alone. At times I crave it, just indulging in my own company doing what I want went I want. At other times I hate it. Not sure which sort of a day it is today, just feeling a bit flat I suppose.

Living with a mood disorder can frustrating. Wild swings of mood, at their worst accompanies by voices at the low end of the scale. Some weekends I get a little low; perhaps this weekend is one of them. Nothing really to worry about, I have been many times worse.

Very much hoping that the rare beef and nice rioja I'm intending to consume later will lift the mood; we shall see.

Oh, and it's back to work tomorrow. Been off the last 2 weeks so maybe the last day of the holiday is reflected in my mood; have some mixed feelings on returning.

I Heard a Voice.

New to This

Hi,

The first post of a brand new blog. Actually I'm not really new to this as I've been blogging at work for the last 2 1/2 years. Just fancied branching out.

So, who am I? I suppose like many people I am many things. As the title suggests I'm a voice hearer. Well to be honest that has now been pretty much under control since 2001. I'm a Cambridge graduate with a passion for music, cooking, and sport. But perhaps more importantly I have lived with mental illness for 20 years. I know there are many blogs out there that deal with such a subject so please feel free to ignore me. But I hope I can bring something new to the field.

The other slightly odd thing about me is that I not only have a mental illness but I work in the field. That's pretty fashionable amongst Mental Health Trusts these days but certainly wasn't when I started in 2001. At least in those days no one talked about it.

I now work at a university and sit in both camps, the service user (I hate that term), and a service provider.

So this blog is kind of about being on both sides of the fence, probably with a healthy bent on food. Talking of which is will soon be time for Thai BBQ spare ribs.

Bye for now.

I Heard a Voice