Why am I so greedy? Obsessed with possession at the cost of contentment. As I clear what has been my life for the last nine years I realise that my flat is littered with junk that I have bought and never used, kind gifts kept away in cupboards and general foolish materialism. So much has ended up in the bin. I must have given away 60 books to charity. My DVDs and CDs aren't even here and still I'm surrounded by boxes and bags of things I have just desired and bought.
Harvey whom I spoke to last Sunday urged me to take an Asian approach that stability is more important than possession. I'm certainly learning that the hard way.
My mood remains pretty low although at least today the darkest of thoughts are not there. That terrible bedfellow of depression guilt is very much the order of today. I slept a little better but have achieved very little and I'm now punishing myself for it. The magic wand that we all want to wipe away our tears and despair and right everything is just a myth. Methodically, bit by bit I'm packing up my life.
In a positive world, the one I'm struggling to access at the moment, I will be moving on to better things. A nicer place, more security and not the isolation that has so devastated me the last couple of times I moved. But finding positive when depressed is hard. So much of my vast horde of spurious possessions was bought in response to the loneliness of new beginnings, battling a mood disorder for many years and foolish desireism (made up word I know but apt). I remain a willing partner and advocate for the decadent west. Maybe that is where I'm going wrong.
Every waking minute is consumed by fear and what if. How long I can keep going I do not know. In a week I will still be surrounded by bags and boxes, cut off from the world with no broadband, TV and phone but in the new place. Given how guilty I feel that my current place isn't perfect my next fear will be how do I manage a beautiful new place.
This responsibility bit that comes with being an adult and trying to establish some form of semi independence is never easy. My legacy of King's is that I'm not as motivated to do the boring nitty gritty of life as Bernie Rosen called it as I might be.
As I sign off today I'm not sure how much further along the path I am. Yes I can say there is always tomorrow but the tomorrows are rapidly running out.
I Heard a Voice.
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