As each day passes and the sun goes down I move a step closer to whatever will be. Everyone told me not to do too much at a time and they were right. I move on Saturday and it all seems to be coming together. Jess has been round today to clean the flat. She rushed through it with the skills of a whirling dervish and like the wrath of God.
Another piece in the puzzle is complete. Not a huge amount left to do. Given what progress has been made I do not understand why my anxiety is high today. Mood too remains stubbornly in minus territory. One would have thought that might be shifting by now but sadly not.
I'm still awaiting my phone triage, no doubt they will phone when I'm indisposed. My manager suggested this afternoon having another go at pulling some strings. I had contacted her to update and once again was relieved that her response was very supportive.
When we're in the midst of crises and the bullets are flying life can be hard at work. But when my bullets are flying as they have been since early January I'm pleased to have received kindness, support and understanding.
Not entirely sure I know what to say or why to say it today. Perhaps just to remind people that I'm still going despite the challenges I face. It still feels self indulgent at times but my friends keep reminding me that it is okay to be struggling and okay not to get everything right all of the time.
Had any of you called me two weeks ago I would have been a wreck. I do not feel a wreck today but yesterday was easier. Why this should be I do not know. The vaguaries of a mood disorder never cease to amaze me.
When I do finally get to see a psychiatrist I really don't know what they might suggest. An addition maybe? I do not really want to do a subtraction. Although my faith in Risperidone has been shaken I'm far more fearful of coming off it than sticking with it. Will the pack of deluded lies that so haunted my early psychiatric career mean I will be judged before I even see them? There is always that possibility. How different life might have been had Heather McAlister who put me on it in first place not left so quickly after that life changing moment. But that did happen and has to an extent stymied me in more recent years.
I guess I will leave you on that note. Do I cook tonight or not? That is the next decision to be made.
I Heard a Voice.
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