Inside That Glass Box.

Many years ago a woman I supported who had such a loving family and was surrounded by her many children described her depression as "like being inside a glass box, I can see and hear the world but I cannot touch it". The crippling loneliness that is depression seeps into the very soul of your being. We can be surrounded but so utterly alone.

Today has been really tough. I only completed one task and that sent me to the ends of the earth. Naked fear, terror and what if have been decimating my mind all afternoon and evening. I posted on Facebook and as ever people responded. I went for a walk and got caught in the hail. Saw some people in the pub. Cooked and ate roast beef with my friends. Spoke to dad and Beka on the phone. And still here I am trembling to my very being with fear.

I have the semblance of plan tomorrow. I doubt I will sleep but I must try. All yesterday's progress seems but a drop in an ocean of uncertainty. Everyone is reassuring me but although I can see the world I cannot touch or believe it.

My battles with mental ill health have been long. For some years after discovering Risperidone I thought I had triumphed. Done what seemed impossible. Yet today it feels like I'm all the way back to 1990/91 when my life was so bleak. This time I'm seeking help. I will arrange another phone appointment with the GP tomorrow. But a life without apparent hope is a true test of resilience and experience. I do not feel I'm winning today.

The path is not clear, it deviates and goes to places I did not expect. A week ago I was preparing to watch the Super Bowl. Yes I was depressed and yes I felt guilty and yes I lived with fear. But not like this.

My mind is playing tricks on me. I must muzzle it if I can. I must accept the wise counsel of everyone I spoke to today. They are all on my side. But can we fight a ticking clock? That's a tough ask.

Next time I come to talk to you this latest anxiety will probably have subsided to be replaced by another. Such is life with the anxious depressed mind.

I Heard a Voice.