Life looked pretty bleak yesterday. Given my history I do apologise if I worried anyone. That post was very emotive and I was in two minds whether to save it. But save it I did in an attempt to remind myself when I get to harbour wherever that is that I have survived the darkness. Also as is my wont this blog is partially about mental health and I try hard to put into words the terrible price of mental illness in the hope that others can gain something from it.
Although I woke early today my anxiety was not as intense. I tried to see through a different lens and focus on what I can do and take it a step at a time. Lurking in the darkness is that solve one problem and three more come up feeling. But I have done a lot.
Part of my less mangled emotional state was down to two old Cambridge friends I have rarely seen and rarely communicated with in recent years. I spent an hour on the phone to my friend Harvey who provided no end of help, advice and wisdom after many years travelling. He told me to forgive myself for what I get wrong. He also learned in his time in Asia that stability in life is more important than wanton materialism. Much as I look at the life of my peers from those days as being more successful than me, it is abundantly apparent that many of us struggled with fear and worry despite the shiny exterior.
What was important in the Cambridge of the late 1980s is not what is important now. Wise man.
Whilst on the phone a series of messages came through from another Cambridge friend Anna. I have been feeling quite guilty about not thanking her for her help that terrible night dad was in hospital. She messaged me through the night back then and she stunned me last night. She too has had to face the darkness of her despair and said that my books had really helped her at that time. I had no idea she had even read them.
The issue of publicising my books was a mixed one. I worried if people who knew me at school and Cambridge read it they would just dismiss me as a pathetic failure. So I didn't do too much and certainly didn't put anything in the alumni magazines where so many others promote their work.
It is both humbling and comforting that I was able to help someone who I regarded with some awe given how successful her career has been. Ros said to me a while ago, the testimonials and ego trips we see in those magazines do not tell the story of relationship break up, alcohol and drug use, breakdowns and child abuse that are so rife in society but people rarely talk about it unless in the therapist's chair. A lot comes out on psychiatric wards and much of it is pretty grim.
Last night I was not too far off heading back in that direction. I've not been an inpatient since 1994. I thought I would never go back until last night. I'm back from the brink now. I've done a lot of things today, collected and sent off sick note, arranged a GP telephone appointment tomorrow, boxed up somethings, thrown some things away and did some recycling. Also been onto utilities and given notice.
Living in a place for nine years leads to a lot of clutter and dirt. Jess is going to help at some point. So much further to go though.
Not sure what to take on next after a breather. Beka is going to call me back in a bit after we had a brief chat.
Who knows what tomorrow will bring but for a little while I will try to make progress during this lull in the storm.
I Heard a Voice.
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