My mood is low, my anxiety is high and my fear of the unknown is all pervading. After the hammer blow of Monday all I wanted to do was hide under the duvet and sleep forever. Or go out and get drunk. Darker thoughts too have been popping in. I know that may scare people but I'm not at risk just very frightened.
With help from my friends I have sorted a few things. Got rid of books and magazines. Thrown out some stuff that in truth I haven't touched in the nine years I have been here.Why am I such a hoarder? I have a list of the many things that need doing and I have two viewings booked tomorrow. Feels like I'm inching forward in the dark to an unknown and distant conclusion.
All these fears I had the last two times I moved have come flooding back. What is clear is that I will be a lot worse off financially so my days of wanton decadence are probably behind me.
What is ahead has yet to reveal itself. Many areas of my life have not been right in the last few years. The crossroads I have talked of before has still given me no clear direction. Signpost to where? I do not know.
Yet each day I plan to do a little bit and try to manage that way. I know I will need to go back to GP next week as work seems overwhelming and I'm in no fit state to be there. I hope they can manage a little while longer without me.
There were several calls yesterday from friends, Miriam and dad. They are all willing me on. Miriam will visit on Saturday to help out. Beka too has offered to help when the time comes.
I'm struggling to eat at the moment and was physically sick yesterday such was the level of my worry. I have to force myself to eat as I can feel my legs swaying at times and threatening to buckle. It was very noticeable as I walked in town. The shaking makes it hard to pick up a cup or a glass or to use a fork successfully.
The apparent cruelty of my present predicament pales when related to that of others less fortunate than me. Some do not have friends or family to help. Thank goodness I do.
What I will do after this post is up in the air. I've done some cleaning in my very amateur and not very effective way. Another thing to worry about. The detritus of my life lies dusty and disturbed. Soon it will be packed away and the place empty. It makes me question my life and what I'm doing with it.
Have I made good decisions? What will happen next? Am I doing the right things? The fuzz of my mind and the gloom of a packed up depressing flat clutter what I see. As I quoted in my MSc the book of Job "Oh where shall wisdom be found?" At this stage I do not know.
I Heard a Voice.
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