One would have thought that after all these years I would be aware of my danger signs. God I work hard enough with my students teaching them how to live with mental illness. To know their triggers and what to do about things. When to slow down, when to step back and when to acknowledge accepting a temporary defeat in winning the war.
All the signs were there. The broken sleep. The restless lost Monday. The not eating enough. The anxiety about pay day. I should have known what would happen next.
Yet I was stunned yesterday that having had the best sleep all week my mood fell through the floor and I desperately wanted to shut the world out. I couldn't cook despite plans. I stared blankly in Hakalok as Bronwen came in for a take away. And all along I berated myself for falling yet again.
It has been a long time since I did it but I was forced to max up my medication last night and blew my mind into oblivion. Today is that oblivion. A desert of mental nothing, the desolation of an occasionally helpful mind and deep sense that I have failed once again. That is what pervades me today.
A once promising morning has turned into a dreary dullness. Pretty much like most of my week. They are playing some cricket which is good. At some point this afternoon I need to marinade and slow roast my leg of goat. My visitors may help or hinder my sense of me. Often they pick me up as Sunday drifts towards Monday.
Monday, o what will you bring? I have steadfastly avoided my e mail all week. Nothing good comes of checking that when I'm off. I have fears for tomorrow as with my mind so far away it could well be a tense affair. Or I could just snap out and be back in the land of the living when I wake up.
Once again this month I have over-posted. Fearing people will bore of my ramblings, numbers are way down this month, I'm trying to stick to a target of twelve posts per month. This is my thirteenth. Sorry to overdo it. Maybe the norm will return in August.
I Heard a Voice.
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