Defying my Whispering Former Friend.

In the musical Guys and Dolls there is a most beautiful song called "My Time of Day". In it the suddenly in love gambler sings of his love of the night when all is quiet, everyone has gone home and he awaits the last "couple of hours before dawn". I have long been enticed by the darkness of night. And in times past I have stayed up to watch the dawn. I think I'm getting too old for all nighters now. But at least then I have a choice. To go to bed or not to.

When the blackness of my madness envelops me dawn seems a long way off. In fact one cannot even conceptualise dawn. All is black, cloying and destroying. Over the past few days that darkness has once again come to consume me up.

Wave upon wave of mental destruction. In times gone by I formed a bond with the ultimate darkness. Suicide was my best friend. He was a character who talked to me and enticed me in with his whispering voice. At its worst before Risperidone he actually talked to me. I called him "my time to die voice".

Since the advent of my miracle medication that voice has disappeared into oblivion. I cannot remember when I last heard that voice. That it took so long to solve was down to the foolish arrogance of those with power. Bernie once told me "you will never find a medication that works for you". Liar!

I long ago broke my bond with that dangerous deceiving friend. But in recent days he has started whispering again. Just a little echo here and there. I have dismissed this vile entity. He is of no use to me anymore.

The barrage of medication took away my ability to think. To work. To feel. And that emptiness was all pervading. Riddled with guilt I have stayed home the last two days. It feels as if everyone has been let down. My silent staring demeanour is so different to me that people do not know how to react. I stare and try hard to fight the empty darkness.

My thoughts came back at just the wrong moment. It stopped me sleeping until a couple of hours before dawn. I think I had already abandoned any thought of the day by then. Eventually I did sleep.

I'm now tired but more alert. The glimpse of the dawn of goodness is beginning to stir. Am I on the right track? I see my ex friend for the fool that he is. What awaits in the next few days who can tell but I will try my hardest to get back into some normality tomorrow.

As for now The Marriage of Figaro plays, I'm sated by a simple lunch of prawns marinated in gram flour, chilli and turmeric on a bed of salad, and I'm hoping the glimpses of dawn get stronger.

I Heard a Voice.