On the Cusp of Summer?

Is it really June tomorrow? Sun where are you? Summer should be upon us yet on another cold, wet, grey day it doesn't really look like it. I vividly recall the summer of 2007 as I prepared to uproot my life and go into the unknown that is now my life. It poured with rain almost every day and my battle with anxiety began in earnest.

The last couple of days have seen me anxious once again and listless. Today despite a rocky start has been a good. Sarah and I had a lovely lunch at The White Horse at Burnham Green. She is such good company and that smile. Of course not all is always as it seems but it never ceases to amaze me how full of kindness she is. I'm not always that kind to everyone, too emotional really to do myself justice.

My holiday preparations went on after. I have my Euros, my hair is cut and I have some warm weather clothes. Sarah tells me to expect a lot of heat. She has been with her son in April and is was 32 degrees then. Dad and I will meet on Thursday. Suspect I will just do diner out, running down food stocks in advance of being away.

Will it rain again tomorrow? If it does it will nice to escape to warm sunny climes. See you soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Trains Stop Play.

I am supposed to be in London now. My friend Krishna and I haven't seen each other since last summer. Sadly the trains, or lack of them, put paid to our planned reunion. A real shame as I was very much looking forward to seeing her.

In truth it has been an out of sorts kind of day. I couldn't get out of bed, simply too tired. When I did emerge the anxiety was lurking inside and I was outwardly restless. Yes the cricket is on but I seem to have lost interest in that too.

After a quick wander round town and spending nothing I took myself out The White Horse at Welwyn for a nice pint of Adnam's Southwold - good ale that. In a way I wish I had eaten there, there was a lovely looking specials board. But alas no.

On the plus side the day before pay day proved that I had not been quite as profligate as I feared this month - money left over. But then again I need to buy my Euros on Wednesday so it all helps.

My mood needs to be better tomorrow, seeing the lovely Sarah - she always cheers me up. Enjoy the rest of the holiday.

I Heard a Voice.

And So It Begins.

There is a distinctly cooling breeze out on this grey overcast day. So far I have only been out to buy a paper but I will venture out again shortly.

I emerged from my bed dazed, disorientated and troubled. It had been a bad night for dreams, angst and anxiety filled memories of mum and what I have not managed to achieve at work. It was only a matter of time before the holiday anxiety kicked in. And now it has.

Why do I get like this? I know we will have fun yet there is so much that can go wrong. It probably won't of course, anxiety tells me extreme untruths not moderate truths. The older I get the more I realise that behind the anger mum was crippled with fear. And now I can't seem to shake it.

I have invited Gary and Ali for roast beef later. He has just completed a commendable sponsored walk to and from The Plume of Feathers at Tewin 5 times in a day. He's very good at raising money like that. Yet as I write I'm not sure I want any company. The desire to be alone haunts me sometimes. I have enough practice living as I do but sometimes I want to shut the door, switch the phone off and take a break from the world.

With luck it is just a passing fear. I need to be better tomorrow as I'm off to Covent Garden to meet my friend Krishna. In the mean time I have my cricket, Sri Lanka finally making a fight of it, and perhaps a jaunt to a country pub.

I Heard a Voice.

Holiday is Here.

Welcome to a warm Bank Holiday Saturday. The Test match is on, England are on top, the sun is shining and I'm finally getting a break from work. The dark days pre Christmas seem a long time ago thank goodness. I've not taken any leave really since the break for Christmas. Easter came and went. And on I marched. It is fine to be feeling so much better. But I need a rest.

The trip to Naples is drawing nigh. Not anxious yet, let's hope it stays away. I'm waiting for pay day on Tuesday so get my euros and a few bits and pieces.

Monday takes me to Covent Garden to meet my friend Krishna. She was a student of mine for some time but now we are friends. Tuesday takes me to The White Horse at Burnham Green for lunch with my friend Sarah. She is always good company with her big smile and positive take on everything. Her kindness to people puts me to shame.

Early days of course but it will no doubt fly by. There is cooking to be done-liver tonight and roast beef tomorrow-and Pimm's to be made. Thank goodness for holidays.

I Heard a Voice.

Learning Week.

Some of our students get a reading week during term time. I'm not sure what the rationale for that is but I'm not sure too many of them do too much reading. I don't read enough but I do have a philosophy that says learn something every day and learn something from everyone I meet. Good motives and much of the time it works.

Entering my final week before my holiday I wasn't overly motivated or interested in learning too much. Meeting I didn't relish and training that I thought might not teach me much. But I was wrong on both counts.

On Monday I learned a new term that I rather liked. Dual experience. You will all know my views on them and us and us and them. What do we call those of us who are both? Well art therapy uses the term dual experience. My views on therapy are not very charitable but I do like that.

Then on to today and a course on young people and on line safety. I was really impressed. And it did something I didn't expect which was to allow the disparate parts of Student Wellbeing to talk openly about their experiences. There was a notable lack of counsellors but they were all on strike. I came away pleased with the day and amazed quite how much I do use technology despite my well voiced fears.

My issue of the election could not be solved electronically so paper, pen and stamp played a part. How disappointing that was.

Now more than half way through the week I had a lovely roast chicken dinner, a glass of Albarino along with my beloved Mozart. And after this back to reading and learning. What will I learn tomorrow?

I Heard a Voice.

A Redundant Afternoon.

My plan such as it was was to watch the Test match at Headingley all afternoon with a lazy Sunday. However, England having demolished Sri Lanka inside 3 days including breaks for rain and bad light has led to a change in my afternoon activities. Opera back on the menus today, Haydn for a change. The paper is all but read, just the magazine to go, and now I'm left with a redundant afternoon. So what to do?

I did sit down and write something for the HPUFT governor election. They don't exactly make it easy to submit electronically. I hope I don't lose out because of a flawed nomination process. How much of that is down to my IT frailties I don't know. But given that there are 11 public governor places up for grabs I hope I'm in with a chance.

The low day yesterday led me early to bed. Once again though the nightmares bit back. Ironic really in that yesterday marked 2 years since I gave up smoking and in the main my nightmares stopped. I don't really like dreaming.

Mood wise though I feel a little better. Yesterday was my first venture into minus territory for a couple of weeks. Maybe I will nudge a plus 1 today if I'm lucky.

I am looking forward to my roast gammon later. I've not bought it from the butcher before so a new adventure. I think I might go for a walk after the Haydn has finished-back to Sunday exercise.

I Heard a Voice.

Exotic Arabia.

London is a real melting pot of people from all over the world. We seem to define ourselves by faith, ethnicity or nationality. We have the Vietnamese in Hackney, the West Indians in Brixton, the Bangladeshis in the east end, the Jewish population in Golders Green, the Indians in west London and so many others. At Edgeware we find the Arabs and that is where I was on Thursday.

It seemed so exotic like Beirut, or Baghdad or Aleppo in happier times. Arab supermarkets, shisha cafes, kebab restaurants all over. And everywhere Arab men passing the time. Be interesting to see it on a Friday.

Tempted as I was to indulge in Middle Eastern mystery I was on another mission. Yes the boys from Selwyn were meeting for Thai curry. What a lovely night, old friends and memories. I wish we could do it more often. Maybe next time we will indulge in Arab hospitality.

I have had a busy week for going out. Last night we went to China Sky from work. My friend Madeline and I decided to go the whole hog as it were and ordered pig's colon. Deep fried with chilli, peppercorns and sesame it was okay with a weird after taste. Not sure I will order it again but I'm glad I tried.

The week itself was not very easy. It dragged on but we got there. Only a week to go before I have a break.

Sadly this morning I woke up feeling flat and low. Bad dream induced I have felt somewhat restless all day. I did go out, a little shopping and a cheese on toast lunch, but now home on a humid afternoon. Rain has stopped play in the cricket. I did manage some cleaning and washing but that is it. I should really be working on my governor nomination for HPFT. Yes I'm up for re-election. But not enough energy today.

In the kitchen I will being having chorizo, Serrano ham and roasted red peppers with a salad dressed in sherry vinegar for supper. A rare effort from Jamie Oliver. Tomorrow I will roast some gammon. Let's hope the mood is better then.

I Heard a Voice.

Sitting Uneasily on the Fence.

There is a very fine and uneasy line to toe when one works in mental health and has a mental illness. During the dark days I swore I would never work in that field. In truth I never thought I would work at all. But I was so angry with those who let me down that I raged inanely to no avail other than to prolong my own madness.

Fate and stigma took me down the route I'm on now. Stigma as so many in my chosen profession chose to reject my talents for fear of my madness. I entered the profession by chance at the very bottom and within a week they were trying to get me to change sides.

There has long been a wall, barrier, fence, barbed wire encampment between us and them. Or is it them and us? Pulled in both directions by those who saw me as a colleague and those who saw me as their friend. Some say I betrayed us. Others that I'm too close to them. So who am I?

I have tried to balance atop that great barrier and stay put looking both ways. Yet when I came to the University it was me on my own. I was pulling the trigger that led to people being locked up. I had to champion the needs of many over the one. And that was tough. I jokingly say I finally grew up when I came here. I was a one man CMHT and crisis team rolled into one.

It does not feel good leaning too hard on the side of them. Today I had to do that and feel awful about it. Wielding what little power I have is so unpleasant. Yet I have little choice.

Home now listening to Mozart's String Quintet in C Major the uneasiness hasn't dissipated. I'm not sure it will.

I Heard a Voice.

A Country Church.

Greetings on a Sunday afternoon. You may be surprised to learn that thus far no opera has been heard in my flat. As I write West Ham are on for their final game of the season. A rolled breast of lamb seasoned with salt, pepper, garlic, thyme and rosemary is slow roasting away and filling my place with wonderful aromas. Sunday, glorious Sunday.

By way of a change this afternoon I drove out to Welwyn village. Nice pint of splendidly named Glorious English ale in The White Hart then a wander round St Mary's church. In my youth I poured scorn on my friends who went "church spotting" as I called it. Now I appreciate churches as just as important to our culture and history as my beloved pubs that I write so often about. As I always do I sought out to see the commemoration of those who died in the two world wars. There seemed an inordinately high number of young men from Welwyn and Woolmer Green who lost their lives between 1914 and 1918. Come 1st July we will remember the century anniversary of the first day of the Battle of the Somme. Tragic that after these years we still fight in foolish ways.

And so to another week. Not long until a break. I feel in need although I remain in a good place mentally. See you all in the week.

I Heard a Voice.

PS The stuffed poussin was every bit as good as Faith had suggested!

Wrap Up Warm.

God it was cold today. It's supposed to be May. But I was seriously under-dressed against that chilly wind. My thoughts go out to our students who are having the Student Union Ball tonight. I went in my first year there with my friend Ali. We had fun but that too was awfully cold in the early hours. Oh how things change for some. Ali is now married with 3 boys and spent the last 3 years in Nigeria. And me? Same old same old.

Well another week is over. 3 weeks now lie between us and Naples. Not too anxious yet but I'm sure it will arrive. It was actually a remarkably good day in that 9 years in we may have finally closed the link between what I do and our colleagues in the Trust. I did have some conversations at the highest levels which may or may not have born fruit. But we got more than we ever dreamed of.

Back at home it would have been so easy to just go and get ribs but I had a sudden brainwave, roast potatoes. 45 minutes in goose fat at 230 degrees brought the most miraculous result. With cold pork, fresh vegetables and gravy it made a simple but triumphant supper.

All being well I will hop on the bus mid morning and head for St Albans. I have it on good authority...my friend Faith...that the couscous stuffed poussin at Cafe Marrakech is fantastic. I will report back.

Have a fantastic weekend but wrap up warm, the cold will continue in the morning. Until next time.

I Heard a Voice.

Sunday on Monday.

A downside to going away for the weekend is I never have anything to cook when I get back. Most times I go away a pub provides my obligatory roast dinner. But not yesterday. Having visited the local golf club at the invitation of the chairman it transpired that their alternate week roast dinners did not fall yesterday.

I had no plans particularly to rectify the situation today but saw a love piece of free range pork leg in Waitrose and simply couldn't resist. In my hurry to get back and put it in the oven I forgot all manner of things I wanted but it is in roasting away seasoned in Cornish sea salt, Vietnamese pepper and local thyme. So Sunday comes to Monday.

Late to eat but I have Handel playing beautifully, I have opened a 2007 bottle of Tempranillo and am being cultured. An evening shower has cut through the humidity of another unusually warm and sticky day. All very pleasant now.

The day was okay. Had to make a judgement call that time will tell. That's what happens when I'm powerless and no one else is around. If I have got it wrong it could be very wrong. But there is little I can when students are out of area and I have no idea where they are or who I can call to help. Time will judge me wise or a fool.

Must get on now, pork nearly ready to rest. I rarely cook leg so it might not be my best. But I didn't have time to slow roast shoulder as I'm wont to do; would have been eating around 10 pm. Too hungry for that.

I Heard a Voice.

Maybe the Last Time?

As I stepped out into the brilliant sunshine from my dad's doorway bag over my shoulder and shades on it occurred to me that it may well have been the last time I passed over that portal. Can it really be over after 37 years? We don't have completion date yet but given it is likely just after our holiday I doubt I will see it again.

Off and on that house has been a part of my life. During the darkness of my illness I lived there. In the light of my wellness I visited there. And now in portly middle age I think I have said goodbye. A glorious day to go out on as a spring hot snap has engulfed the UK in wonderful warmth and light.

My journey home was uneventful. I made Pimm's when I got home and will be doing that nice goat's cheese and melon salad with a mint dressing. And an opera, Tosca I think today. I have plenty of reading to do. And I must select a book for our trip.

Friday's aberration on health front was just that, curry induced. Not often curry does that to me but it was a bad day.

In the morning I will return to the strange world of exams. The place goes through a change of gear during that period. Give it 3 weeks and it is all but over. See you in the week.

I Heard a Voice.

Hazy Days.

It looked like another glorious sunny day would be upon us this morning. Sadly the haze overtook us and the promise evaporated. Greetings from the seaside anyway. I'm down in Kent with dad and Miriam. The end of the week didn't go quite to plan after a visit to the Neem Tree with an old school friend on Thursday emerged with feeling decidedly unwell Friday morning. So yet another day away from my office. Always feel guilty not being there though.

Whatever it was I feel fine now. We're roasting a guinea fowl with some potatoes and I will do Vichy carrots. Miriam has never had them. As we are all together we visited dad's new flat. Bigger than I thought and quite nice. Not sure about the storage heaters though, I learned to my cost that first winter in Chapel Street how awful such things are.

We don't have a completion date yet. It will be after our holiday. Have done some juggling then and managed to take 2 weeks off. That will give me a partial week of rest before dad comes up and we fly to Naples.

Dodgy stomach aside I continue to feel well. Better in fact that many months. That said the fear of a new academic year before we seem to blink is already emerging in my mind's eye. Can it be as challenging as this year has been? I hope not.

I will leave you now. Hope you have had time to breathe in the break between my posts, had a feeling I was posting too often. Until next time enjoy the weekend and have a good week.

I Heard a Voice.

A Month To Go.

This time in a month I will be in Italy. Yes our annual trip taken amid the chaos of dad moving house and me trying as ever to juggle my life. It has come about much quicker than I anticipated. A break will be nice although it probably feels like the blind leading the blind. With luck we will meet some nice people as we did last year.

Back in reality I'm doing okay. My love of Mozart is reinvigorated by my joyous weekend event. Tonight is an opera night. A little reading and a brief broadcast to you all. The week is moving on apace after the holiday. Soon be Friday then I'm off back down to Kent to see dad. The optician also awaits.

It occurred to me over the weekend that as I haven't done my mood diary recently I will have missed how much better I have been doing. Few days in the minus column and quite a few around about plus 2. Still no sign of mania and I hope I'm not pissing too many people off. Well no more so than usual.

May that continue when the long summer comes. I find it hard to motivate myself then. And oh so soon the autumn will come again and chaos will ensue. Do I feel better equipped to manage that than last year? I'll let you know when summer comes and my rest becomes a reality.

I Heard a Voice.

Awe and Wonderment.

We met on a cold winter night before a roaring fire in a 14th century pub just before Christmas 1994. A smouldering beauty who bristled with warning signs, do not come near. Yet we became friends. And we still are today.

I've had marvellous weekend with Jayne near Cambridge rekindling old times, indulging in fine food and good beer and for the first time opera. Last night I sat in sheer wonderment listening to the unbelievable Don Giovanni performed by the English Touring Opera. What skill, what tension, what technique, what power. I was amazed. And at the end I shuddered as the ghost rose from the dead and Don Giovanni was dragged off to hell. The joy of singing in English made it clearer to me. And it is so much less dark than I feared, very funny in places.

For all the joy it did make me feel a musical failure. I was good but not that good. I know my limitations and am too far removed from a modest singing career ever to go back. Did I have too much too young? Perhaps but I'm not ready to go back yet anyway.

The foodie weekend was a little mixed, The Phoenix let us down with dry crispy duck, Cau gave us poor advice on steaks and mine was pretty tough second time around after the first effort was so far removed from rare it was inedible. Then we rather overcooked the rib of beef today; that will teach us to do for a pint in The Barley Mow while it was in the oven.

I'm so glad I went though. I miss Jayne and all these years later I'm still jealous that she lives in Cambridge and I don't.

A light supper of tomato and feta salad with coriander, olive oil and pepper awaits. Then I think a film. Happy May Day all of you.

I Heard a Voice.