Icy Streets.

An icy sheen of frost has descended for the last 3 days. It is treacherous out there and bitterly cold. That said the sun is shining, I still have a few days off and much to my surprise my flat remains warm. Still no luck on the replacement part for the boiler, having got an answer phone 9 times I tried a different number and finally got to speak to a real person. Sadly all she could do was promise to send an e mail to the parts department. So the wait goes on.

It is New Year's Eve. A time to celebrate and mourn. A year ago today my friend Jeff lost his battle with cancer. Facebook is covered in references to him and he will remain in all our thoughts as we party in The Hedgehog tonight.

Mourning aside I am feeling more relaxed. My 1000 word reflective piece is written. Whether it is any good or not is another matter. I really had no idea what was expected of me. A friendly academic has offered to look at it but that fills me with dread. Do I send it to her or not? I feel just like chancing my arm and hoping for the best. There is still more than 2 weeks before hand in day. Time I suppose to adjust if necessary. I just don't want to do it.

So it leaves me wishing you all a very Happy New Year. My final post of 2014. See you all in 2015.

Back Home, No Answer and Rendang.

Well the snow held off and I made it back to Hertfordshire after a slightly truncated journey on 3 motorways punctuated by various hold ups. Having done what I thought was the hard part I spent the much of the rest of the day trying to get the boiler working long enough to heat the flat. It works although somewhat precariously limping onwards.

So as you can imagine it was good to find a letter from the heating company to say my replacement part was available. What I didn't expect today was that not 1 of my 6 calls actually made it through to a person on the other end. Goodness knows when it will now get fixed. I have another week off and very much hope it is not in the cold.

Putting off my academic work until tomorrow I thought I would check out the sales. Nothing of interest although that is clearly good for my bank balance after Christmas. Bit dull though.

To make up for a day distinctly lacking in success I pounded a Rendang curry paste and have it all cooking away with some good beef as I write. There are 7 Thai chillies in it so hoping for some heat.

Tomorrow is tomorrow, have to do battle with learning theories. But once that 1000 words is done I can rest for a few months. Not thinking about my next project just yet. More in the week.

I Heard a Voice.

Bitter Cold.

Dark threatening clouds are now masking the pale winter sun that had lit up this bitterly cold day. In my part of Kent we missed the snow thank goodness. But it is bitterly cold and an icy wind blows.

So Christmas is done and dusted. We had a magical day despite a couple of catering hiccups. The ham was a triumph, Mike's roast potatoes were a dream and the wine kept flowing. Strangely enough I felt utterly sober by the end of the night. Then again after the mighty Boxing Day run. Very odd.

Tomorrow I drive home hoping not to have to contend with snow. It looks doable at the moment. Very much hoping the heating is still working when I get back-awaiting a replacement part at the moment. A day of rest before the final MSc furlong on Tuesday. Should only take 2-3 hours to run off the required 1000 words. After that relaxing week before having to settle into my new office and back to the mayhem. See you soon.

I Heard a Voice.

PS The belly pork in the oven smells extremely good-nice slow cook seasoned with thyme.

Christmas Greetings.

Happy Christmas everyone. Quick sneak on here before we go to Beka's-we may be some time. Have a wonderful day all you out there in blogland and I will return in a couple of days.

I Heard a Voice.

Hope is Born.

Seasons greetings on Christmas Eve. Yes we are nearly there. As I write there have been precisely 22,000 hits on my blog since I started in the autumn of 2010. Where everyone has gone I have no idea, hits are really down this month. But never mind.

You find me pretty much prepared for the big day. Presents all wrapped and delivered, ham is poached in cider and going up to Beka's this afternoon. Dad is just about keeping up although he does find it all quite stressful. I have bought some nice wine and some cheese-the French are bringing the cheese so likely to be a little too strong and soft for me. So Cornish Yarg will suffice for me.

If anyone out there is actually reading you will note it has been a while since I was on here. No excuse, just didn't feel like it. I drove down on Sunday after going to the most amazing musical event the previous evening. Hope Russell Winter is only 15 years old yet has an extraordinary voice with power, control and delicacy. What a performance. A star was truly born that day. Her mum may well become my new manager. Hope is all over Youtube and her EP is downloadable from all the usual outlets-bit technically demanding for me so I have a CD.

And so to the end. I don't think I will be back on until the very early hours of Boxing Day morning. Merry Christmas to you all and have a wonderful and peaceful New Year.

I Heard a Voice.

Waving Goodbye to the Heron.

Pale winter sunlight is glistening on the surface of the lake. Little stirs on this day. This day is the day I say goodbye to that place of tranquility. Fearing I would not see the heron before I left I went for a wander earlier. And there he was, grey heron accompanied by silver swan. A fond farewell.

My office is packed and bare. I'm tying up loose ends and trying to work out what to do with the large picture of me that came in my direction following the award that wasn't in 2012. That seems a long time ago now. Recovering from another relapse I muse on how fragile my mental health can be at times. And I'm the one who got out. Each day I must be on my guard.

At 2.30 pm I will go home. Tonight we have a retirement dinner in London. When I get back it will be to something new. Will it get easier? I doubt it. Will I look for other jobs? Probably. But for now a holiday beckons. My MSc assignment is complete along with my references. Just the 1000 word reflective piece to go when I return from Kent. Then I will have done it.

I may be in Kent next time I'm on here; off to dad's on Sunday. Take care out there in the pale winter sun. See you all soon.

I Heard a Voice.

The Day Mum Waited For.

Mum would have been delighted. It has been auspicious day. No I'm not back to full health. I haven't had any change in my life. But something mum and I both wanted to happen occurred today. The Church of England finally announced the first female bishop.

I walked away from religion years ago. Mum never did. And she was adamant about the role women could and should play in the church. That was one of the themes of my eulogy 2 1/2 years ago. Sadly mum never got to see her dream. My only sadness-and it is a very small sadness-is that it was not my old Cambridge friend Lucy Winkett who was elected first. Her time will come.

In my little world I continue to battle fatigue but I'm ploughing on. I finished my MSc assignment this afternoon. Needs checking and have to update the bibliography. When I get back from dad's I will write the required 1000 word reflective piece. Then it is done. Hand in date is mid January.

After that who knows? Another book perhaps? Maybe, but first a rest. See you soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Not Much Went Well.

My return to work did not exactly go according to plan. It is all very well saying do a phased return but if meetings are spread that can't be done. We have electronic systems none of which wanted to work today. By my reckoning I have 3 days of paperwork to catch up on even if I can remember back that far but I only have 4 half days left before Christmas. Stated simply it cannot be done. I achieved nothing today except trying to claim a lot of expenses. Who knows if it will work.

Back at home I found the heating and hot water system had collapsed. It is working again but only precariously. I'll have to call them out yet again. I'm too tired to think or do anything so no chance of completing my assignment.

So it all looks a bit bleak. Will it get better? Probably. Do I need sleep? Definitely. But when will it come. I cannot stay away for ever.

Oh for a mini mania, God that would be good. For now, sleep just sleep. I hope I have better news next time I'm on here.

I Heard a Voice

And Still I Sleep.

It would appear that I'm coming to the end of my enforced absence. If all goes to plan I will be back at the University on Monday for a final week before Christmas. My anxiety appears to have dissipated. My concentration is coming back slowly and my mood is okay. Just okay, no more than that. That has been a strange aspect of my recent malaise, I have not been depressed. Yet still I sleep, and sleep, and sleep. I haven't got up before 11.15 am in a few weeks. For a couple of days the nightmares returned. And after that I felt edgy. But it did not send me headlong downwards. Somehow between now and Monday the fatigue has to go.

Away from it all I have finally managed to make some progress on my MSc assignment. Very hard to write when one's mind is empty. I awarded myself a day off today to watch the Varsity Match from Twickenham. Not had a chance to watch for several years. It was a disaster, a record defeat against Oxford. 5 consecutive defeats in the oldest club match in history or so I'm led to believe. Those not at or of Oxford and Cambridge cannot really understand how important it is to beat the other. I never managed it in my 3 Varsity Bowls. And Oxbridge looks after its own. All these years later Cambridge still looks out for me.

A shepherd's pie is on the menu tonight. I will soon start winding down my kitchen activities for a week Sunday I will be with dad in Kent. I'm mobile again now so have the freedom to drive which I lacked for a week. I need to get writing tomorrow to make more progress but it it goes well maybe I'll get a little venture out into the country too.

I Heard a Voice.

A Pause for Reflection.

A Christmas card arrived today from the eminent Classical scholar Christopher Kelly in Chicago. He was my ancient history tutor at Cambridge and he wildly overestimated my intellect and ability. He used to tell a story that I was the only tutee he taught ever who failed make predicted grades-I failed by 2 bands in Part 1. He flattered me really. The reason I mention him today is that this time last year his card included a delightful remark that my book had like all good books make him think. And that was precisely what I was doing last night.

Finally having my new DVD player up and running I have taken 2 evenings to watch films. I didn't warm to Grand Budapest Hotel that a friend had recommended. That was Saturday's offering. Last night I was far more entertained by The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. And God did that make me think.

The lesson is really that none of us are too old to change our lives and do pursue our dreams. The very wise Caroline Latham of Buddhist Healing fame once told me that "it is okay to mourn for yourself". Everyone goes through personal traumas and tragedies. It is the essence of being human. Yet society doesn't want us to talk about that and mourn our emotional loses. The advice was repeated in the film.

It also showed that we have to take a gamble to change. Being risk averse keeps us stuck. I spent so much of my life reflecting on what I didn't do or others didn't do that I lost almost a decade to mental illness. I now do what I do because of and despite mental illness.

In the end each of the characters got what they searched for. Even the character Graham who seeks to find love of his life before he dies.

Life should make us think more. Not on what we might have done as we are not judged on that. But more on what we might do to shape and mold our lives and those of others for the better. I am and will always be flawed; as all in the film were. Yet to live life flaws must not impede progress. How we define that progress can be hard. Do any of us understand our lives in the present? Only by looking back can I know who I was. I do not know myself until the fog of self delusion, fraud and flaw have cleared with the passing years.

I Heard a Voice.

A Mixed Sunday.

It has been an odd day, blazing sunshine one minute, hammering rain the next. Having spent almost all of today indoors it hasn't really affected me although it has put me off going on a Sunday afternoon walk.

My intention to attempt a little more study today have been put on hold since I learned West Ham were playing live on TV. So to accompany the Sunday Times I have been gently watching them take a 2-1 lead. If they hang on they will go third in the table-unheard of heights for December.

Time marches on however and I really do need to get going on my studies. A review of notes and plan needs to be complete by tomorrow afternoon. Then I can start writing. I'm still struggling for concentration and fatigue haunts me but the anxiety remains manageable.

My shoulder of lamb is slowly roasting away in the oven and I'm just par boiling the potatoes. I do love the smell of rosemary on a Sunday afternoon heralding the joys of lamb with mint sauce.

There looks like a lull in the vile weather so maybe I will get out. I'll decide at the final whistle. If anyone is still out there reading-numbers way down-many thanks for humouring me. Have a great Sunday.

I Heard a Voice.

Contradictory Information

A few day have passed since I was last on here. My anxiety appears to be abating-a few things have fallen into place which helped. The exhaustion remains stubbornly in place. Why it is not shifting I'm not sure. My medication has been increased for over 2 weeks now. Sleep is coming but no limit to the fatigue. I have another week to try to sort that.

Now that my mind is less fraught I have summoned up enough concentration to actually do something. Yesterday I applied for that job. But there was a contradiction. The Guardian website suggested that the closing date is next Thursday. Yet LinkedIn stated applications had close on 21th November. All very strange and a little annoying. I applied on line anyway via The Guardian. Let's hope for the best.

Today I managed to an hour of study. The is a first in 3 weeks. My PESTLE is now done. Next stop is to review all my notes, look at the plan and then start writing. If my concentration becomes more effective I hope to make some progress this week while at home.

Post study a friend came round to set up my new DVD player. I'm a complete moron when it comes to anything practical so I rely on friends. They usually get a nice dinner in return. In another bizarre twist of contradiction the item is sold without the connecting wire. What on earth is the point of that? So off we went and had to spend another £25 on said wire-a pain. What it does mean though is that tonight I can watch a film for the first time in a few months. A nice change.

And so to food. Without a car I had to make do locally. Tonight a pork steak and tomorrow slow roast shoulder of lamb. Another gentle day I hope.

I Heard a Voice.

Stop That Train I'm Leaving.

After several weeks of chaos, exhaustion, stress and anxiety I was finally ordered to stop by my Doctor. Not having to face the morning has helped already although there is still too much in the way of study and job applications to consider. But not yet.

Tomorrow Dory is taking me out for lunch. I will get up late. Maybe post a blog and generally try to switch off from the world. The Merry Go Round has officially stopped for me until 15th December. Guess it might give me time to think about Christmas.

I Heard a Voice

Advent Gloom.

Winter has certainly come. Cold and gloomy I have no plans to venture far today. Another day away from work, anxiety has really come back today. I also remain dead tired. The plan is to call after midnight to book an appointment to see my GP tomorrow. Barmy isn't it? But that is the way my surgery works. I will get to see someone who knows me though and that is important when MH is the concern.

As I shiver in the cold I listened belatedly to music for Advent. I should have listened on Sunday but forgot. I'm not remembering much at the moment. Head is still all over the place. I really should try to do some study but no chance of that, I can't even read today.

I'm told they're really going through it at the university too. Tough times all round. I certainly can't face that just yet. Each day I have to lay plans to cancel more and more. I don't like letting people down but when I'm ill there is little chance of achieving much.

What would I give for a shift upwards in mood? In truth I don't feel that depressed just extremely anxious and exhausted. But I cannot turn over and die. I must fight on and given time I will recover. I always do.

Hopefully next time on here I will be feeling somewhat better.