Ever have those moments when your greatest desire is to win some astonishing amount of the money on the lottery so you can withdraw from the world and tell it to fuck off? I guess we all do but fortunately for those moments are extremely rare for me. Even if I did win enough to retire my belief is that I would carry on working although I would probably only do it part time. But after this week I would walk.
It has been real bad this week. I can usually cope with bad; in fact I have a reputation for dealing with bad-that's what I get paid to do. Rarely do I lack confidence and self belief even if sometimes that belief is over the top. Yet as I write today, I am seriously questioning what I am doing and whether I have the ability to do it. I have lost all self belief.
On Tuesday I discovered that I had lost my long running pay dispute with my employer. Even my manager was stunned. Much to my surprise she admitted to me that she thought I would be upgraded and my immediate colleagues to be downgraded. I guess that explains her reluctance to help me for the last 18 months as I sought equal pay. But some mathematical calculation that is not used by any other university saw otherwise. Yet I am supposed to take on all the complex cases. I wondered what magical skill it is that my colleagues have that I don't have that is clearly so valued? I'm fucked if I know.
Despite spending the evening with the 2 bipolar Lauras-fellow bloggers-I spent the next 2 days utterly disillusioned and feeling completely unvalued. I was writing a blog that no one wanted to read and have a book that no one apparently wants to buy. I'm writing another book which I have made no progress on in 3 weeks and wonder what is the point? If the first book failed-maybe selling no copies is a failure-why on earth would I write another?
Faith was restored yesterday after spending time with 2 excellent colleagues and friends who do value me and actually doing something useful. But that all changed today.
I saw 5 people today. I had no lunch break and was asked for the 3rd time in 2 weeks to be a glorified taxi service to do the dirty work that my higher paid colleagues don't want to do; perhaps that all an unqualified fool like me is qualified to do? That was all okay until I was told that despite a student being chronically depressed, dangerously suicidal and awaiting psychiatric assessment he does not have a mental health difficult!!! What the fuck am I doing? Clearly I must know nothing at all!!!
So I'm very glad this week is over. I am hunting for a new job; there are few out there. That is not just because I feel utterly disillusioned but because it is a financial necessity-I simply cannot stay here with no prospect of any more money and the cost of living way outstripping the 0.4% pay rises we have had for the last 3 years!
Do I buy a lottery ticket then? On balance no. Even if I won I might be able to walk away, but I am still me with my madness. The danger now is that I slip back into that madness. It is tempting to phone my Doctor on Monday. Some would chuck a sicky. But however I feel I would never do that.
Roast chicken for dinner-something to look forward to!
I think the people that you help would be sad to see you go x
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