It Had to Happen One Day

Today I made my first tentative steps back to work. I met with Occupational Health yesterday so am working to a plan-just 2 hours today.

I often wonder why on earth I work at the university, particularly in the light of my recent absence. I also sometimes wonder what the university employs me for. There is a simple answer-to prevent suicide. I am lucky enough that in all the years I have worked in mental health I have never lost anyone to suicide. I'd lost 9 friends but never 1 of my charges.

So much of that was down to luck and I am sufficiently wise to know it could not last for ever. Well today it happened. A student I saw a couple of times last year killed himself. I'd not seen him this year and did not know that he had withdrawn from the university. Usually I can tell the risky ones but there was not the merest of hints with him.

Did I fail? Who knows who the judge of that is? But I can't help asking myself what might have happened had I got round to sending a hello e mail which I do from time to time with students I have not seen for a while.

I feel shattered and empty again. Of all the days this was not the one for it to happen. It is theoretically the 3rd suicide of a student or affiliate student this year. In the first 4 years we only had 1. But that is life and it must go on.

Exhausted now. I think it is time for ribs.

I Heard a Voice.