I am back as the fight to recover goes on. I spent some time in Kent which was good to be away. I saw lots of friends and on occasion my mood ventured tentatively into the + side of my scale. Particularly good was the party on Friday. I had dreaded it but it was most unexpected. I saw faces from the past including the extraordinary Caroline Latham whose healing powers so assisted me before I found risperidone. And then there were the dealers, the DJs, the artists and the hangers-on-it was all good. But my mood remained precarious.
Yesterday I came home. My mood is still volatile, hovering just below or on the 0 line. No great lift upwards. The medication is making me very tired but I so desperately need it as I try hard to work through the fog and the mire. I'm aiming to go back on Monday but as yet have no motivation to return to my work-the university lies in the darkness that I can't seem to look beyond.
Maybe this is what recovery is all about, time and patience. I was buoyed by the comments of Dory on some of my posts and the general rise in reader numbers. Thanks for all you who are willing me to get better. Sometimes it feels very lonely being ill again. Behind that glass screen that few can penetrate. I have no one to turn to but my friends. Who looks after the advisor as one of my students commented recently? Good question!
More soon.
I Heard a Voice
It is always darkest just before the dawn. Churchill. I lived my life in perpetual darkness till I met you. You are my dawn. You do a wonderful job when you're 'well' (is that the right word?) however you're only human, and therefore not superman. You spend all your time helping others, so who looks after you? Sometimes the needs of the one, outweigh the needs of the many ( Kirk). Just concentrate on getting better and don't be distracted by outside events that you cannot control. Xxx
ReplyDeleteHi Dory, I have been slightly overwhelmed by your recent comment. So flattering but so right. I am many things and it seems I do a lot for many of my students but I am utterly flawed. I am not superman as some try to portray me.
ReplyDeleteThe Kirk quote exactly mirrors what my former head of department used to say-sometimes I have to take tough decision to protect the many. The worse part of my job is having to call mental health act assessment on very frightened and vulnerable students.
Am am now back at work but very part time. Everyone has been great so am taking it a day at a time and seeing how it goes. Thanks for your kind words.
I Heard a Voice. x
Ps It is always good to find a light in the darkness. It is just very hard when people think I am that light!