Nothing Shall Come of Nothing.

When I was 13 I read King Lear. In retrospect far too young although when we went to see our headmaster in it we all marvelled at him having his eyes gouged out. King Lear mad in the end so I guess we have something on common. I do remember one more thing, Lear says to his youngest daughter Cordelia " Nothing shall come of nothing".

Well nothing is how I feel today. Not good, not bad, just numb and empty. Hugely increasing my medication has blunted the force of my onslaught of madness. Yes it did get that bad on Friday. Much to my surprise at the time when I didn't want to speak to anyone, everyone was phoning or texting. Perhaps that shows that someone gives a shit. Just a shame my friends have no power.

I awoke at 10.50 am for the 3rd time in the night. I had a nightmare about babies being butchered with bayonets. That is one of the worst I have had in a long time. Maybe that is indicative of my mental state. But where do I go? I 30,000 people who could potentially come to see me to sort their heads out. But I have no one. Thank God for risperidone.

I have yet to decide whether to go to work tomorrow. Not that I will be much good to my students in this state. Everyone keeps urging me to take time off and get away to Kent. But would that mean they have won.

On this very wet day the symbolism of my madness lies all around. She loved the rain and when her voice became strong it would say "I love the rain, I love the rain". The voices haven't come so far but I can feel them lingering in the depths, willing me to come to them. Oh that it was not a rainy day.

Maybe the sun will come tomorrow.

I Heard a Voice.