Rampant Commercialism.

Ever stopped to really think of what Christmas and Easter are all about? Mother's Day? Father's Day? In the commercial world of today events that have existed for centuries have been taken over. All shops are full of rubbish for such events. Restaurants flaunt their special menus on these occasions. On this day, 2 days after mum's anniversary I have Mother's Day flaunted in my face. Everywhere I turn it is there. But of course mum isn't.

The result of this symbolic day is that I'm keeping a very low profile. I have my beloved opera on, I have been reading, had a healthy lunch and am at last about to tidy up my flat. Later I will slow roast the pork shoulder I have. Then I guess a film. Anything to get away from the commercial nonsense that surrounds me at this time.

Next Friday marks the end of our academic term. I will continue working up to Easter then have a few days off. Will spend some of it with dad and if time allows I might venture into London. Yet that is all dependent on what if any progress I have made on my MSc assignment. I'm more positive about that than I was but there is still a long way to go.

I Heard a Voice.

Another Day, Another Anniversary.

Well it is the day after. People have been so kind after my mum's anniversary. Tomorrow will be hard as Mother's Day is rammed in my face on Facebook, the shops, the restaurants. I will avoid that all by staying in apart from a quick trip out to get the Sunday Times. I will focus on my kitchen with a slow roast shoulder of pork, a bottle of Chianti, and other delights. Tonight I will do prawns, don't do them often and as a sop to health some smoked mackerel for a light lunch. Even bought some apple sauce to go with the pork-never been much of a fan but thought I would give it a go.

Yet the anniversary season is not over for me. Today marks 20 years since my last admission to a psychiatric hospital. Can't believe that either. Not idea how many of my friends lived to tell the tale from those days, if they found their paths or indeed where they are now. When I was discharged 4 months later for not doing what I was told the discharge papers stated a a prognosis of "likely to commit suicide within 6 months". Thanks Bernie. You were so fucking wrong. I'm still fighting 20 years on and now if you were still practising and here in Hertfordshire you would be accountable to me! That is how far I've come.

Now it is time to study, it is relentless. Don't have much motivation but must carry on, there is so much to do. Many thanks to the fabulous Dory who came round last night to help on a challenging day. I was most pleased with the ribs but a little disappointed in the belly pork. But there is always next time. Until then.

I Heard a Voice.

Libera Me.

Libera me Domine, de morte aeterna. Save me o Lord from eternal death. Thus spake the Latin and English versions of part of the requiem service. Hard to believe as it is 2 years have now passed since my post on here entitled "The Trumpet Shall Sound" which heralded the death of my mum. Yes 2 years since she succumbed to a heart attack whilst swimming in the cold March sea at the age of 80.

Time has flown. It doesn't seem that long. Yes I have moved on but still the shadows of the past re-occur sometimes. I feel okay although not really able to focus on much. I will call dad and Miriam later. I don't anticipate getting much done for the rest of this afternoon, it can wait.

When I get home Dory will come to brighten up my day-ribs and belly pork on the menu. When the lights go out tonight maybe that is when the thoughts will come with their full power. Dreams probably too, that is my lot.

My mum had a great faith in God. She believed in an afterlife and of the resurrection. I do not know if she was right. She will now know one way or the other. My life must go on. Puer natus est. A boy is born. That boy must live and one day will die. Then that boy looking greyer and fatter and balder will learn what mum knows now. That is a long way off though.

I Heard a Voice.

Oriental Shopping.

I'm not quite what to say about today. How shall I put it? Suffice it to say this afternoon did not go according to plan. Rather than catching up on paperwork as I'd planned the whole afternoon was taking up making and fielding phone calls. Expect the unexpected.

Yet today was not without merit. I managed to catch up with my friend Thomas. I thought I was supposed to be bringing him a copy of the book but when I got there he already had one. What he hadn't done was pay me which he duly did. I think I have now covered my costs on the books I bought for the launch.

At lunch time I popped into the market to see my Chinese friend. Rizlas and lighters bought I went to see my other Chinese friend in the oriental supermarket. I emerged with fresh supplies of the evil smelling but wonderful tasting shrimp paste and some more up to date fried shallots to adorn my various Far Eastern dishes. Cost a lot but one pays for good produce. I then moved onto an Indian shop and finally secured the prized coriander with the roots attached. I've never found that in the nearly 7 years I have lived here. Hurrah!

My loose plan was to meet with Dory some time this week. With the prized coriander root I decided to invite her here rather than a trip to the Fu Hao. So on Friday she will come round for a feast of Thai BBQ ribs followed by an old favourite of Thai market food, belly pork stir fried with coriander root, garlic and five spice then braised in chicken stock with fish sauce, soy and sugar along with hard boiled eggs. It is heavenly! I'm looking forward to seeing Dory. She has almost recovered from her shoulder injury and I seem finally to have put behind me the whooping cough that afflicted me last time we met.

Back at home I was pleasantly surprised to discover that my hurried formative assignment was rated as good. Hopefully that means I don't have to delve back too hard into the dreaded databases. "Tosca" is playing, not listened to Puccini for a while, and I'm perusing work already done. Tomorrow I will download my selected papers and look at a critical appraisal tool for an an example they have given us. Finally feel that I'm headed in the right direction for the first time since I started this module.

So back to work I go. Until next time.

I Heard a Voice.

Mozart, the Sofa and an Empty Stomach.

Last night after my lecture-yes a live one this time-it was too late to cook the lamb chops I had planned so I took myself off to the Raj curry house. All very nice at the time but at 5 am it decided it didn't like me. Today has been a write off ever since. I slept most of the morning. Not up to much and certainly not feeling like eating I'm trying to stay warm in my flat, rarely moving from the sofa and listening to Mozart. It was not quite what I had planned today.

When I'm up to it I must once again delve into the evil world of academic databases and start all over again. Still not sure what I did wrong I will start again with a different question. The lecture was actually very helpful and am no longer floundering around in the dark completely uncertain of what is expected of me. Just a shame I never got to any of the live sessions before. But then again I'm still trying to play catch up.

Not sure how much if anything I will achieve today. I just feel like resting. But having lost so much time to illness before I can ill afford to stay away for too long. And of course the day job goes on. They will have to do without me for a day but I'm pretty confident things will return to normal tomorrow. As for the rest of today I will take things gently. I may try to eat later although at this stage food is not appealing at all.

I'm very much hoping my mood doesn't slip with this most recent of setbacks. Looking back a year or so I have not had a good time health wise. Normally I stay very well physically. Let us hope this is just one of those unfortunate series of setbacks. Up until then I had been doing so well. Here's to tomorrow being better.

I Heard a Voice.

The Old Harbour on a Sunny Day.

I have long loved fishing harbours. There is a particularly beautiful if run down example back home. Today I surveyed it in stunning sunshine for the first time since 2007. When I lived in Folkestone I always planned to watch the sun rise over that harbour but never really woke up in time. Much has changed since I moved on.

Some years ago the biggest local employer Roger De Haan sold his business for more than £1 billion. His next move was to spend a fortune doing up the east end long blighted by poverty and decay with the creation of the artists quarter. Now there are smart cafes, galleries and good restaurants all down there. But what has been swept away as we move on in the 21st century?

Working all years in the community with the mentally ill I learned all the cafes, parking places and lots of secret places known to few others. I have mentioned the English passion for fried breakfasts before. All over the country little greasy spoons serve up dirt cheap, fat laden food all doused with baked beans. Sound disgusting but it does work. Can't eat them too often as I would be the size of a house and wear 40" waist trousers. One of the finest such venues was the old fisherman's cafe on the harbour. Sadly that has been swept away.

In it's place is the well known Rocksalt. Yes one of those celebrity chef restaurants where you pay for the name of a celebrity who never actually cooks there. Miriam took dad there a while ago, seriously expensive. Maybe one day I'll try it but I will miss that old greasy spoon and their wonderful bacon.

I have moved on in my life since those days. Will I go back? I doubt it. But you never know, there may be something just lurking over my horizon. Let's hope so.

I Heard a Voice.

Going Back in Time.

Someone once told me that the ancient Greeks believed that history was circular. I'm not certain whether it is or not but I fear we would be foolish to ignore the lessons of the past. This weekend I am revisiting my roots. Down in Kent with my dad for the first time since Christmas. It is good to be away although the study anxiety remains. I keep asking myself the question can I afford to spend more time away from my studies?

Often when I come down it is not just to see dad. I took him out for a late birthday dinner in the Butt of Sherry last night. He tasted gradvalax for the first time and really enjoyed it. I'm cooking my old staple belly pork today-it rests downstairs as I write filling the house with that wonderful scent of fennel seeds and garlic. A Moroccan salad of fennel, potatoes and orange will accompany it along with good bread.

Whilst out I had a cappuccino with a former colleague Lucie. Not seen her since the Kent launch of "A Pillar of Impotence". Great to catch up but also got the hint of a possible opportunity. Can't say much yet but if it works out and I decide to do it maybe I will come back closer to my roots. That old concept of time, it keeps evolving. Is it circular? Who knows. More on that if it ever comes to fruition.

After  the belly and some good Rioja I will pay a visit to some friends who have recently moved house. Only to round the corner but there is always a welcome there along with several bottles of wine. Homeward bound after lunch tomorrow. The studies await, I'm having coffee with our splendid chaplain Allan and another week starts as we hurtle towards another milestone at Easter. But before it is mum's anniversary. Next Friday 2 years will have passed since she died so suddenly. Oh how time flies.

I Heard a Voice.

Economic Overload.

As a general rule I rarely delve into economic matters. 2 reasons for that, I'm not interested and I'm not important enough. Given that today was budget day I suppose it was entirely appropriate that economic matters came to the fore in my life.

What happens in the wider world is beyond my control. The cost of cigarettes will go up today or tomorrow. The tax on a pint of beer went down 1p but it will not lead to lower prices in the pub. I think after April I will have a little more money in my pocket as the tax threshold goes up. But my pay certainly hasn't gone up with inflation despite what is being trumpeted in the press and political circles. Will I be better off? I might know at the end of April.

More specifically though I sat through an economic workshop on the future of HPFT. That is important as a governor. When I did get home I then had to watch another lecture on economic evaluations for my course. So a dull day. Hoping I don't have to venture too close to finance in the near future.

At least it has been a day of variation. Work, Trust and study. In the meantime I have at last got rid of my old computer, finally have room to move in my flat. No time to cook though so it was back to the old favourite of salt and pepper ribs with extra chilli.

The weekend brings a trip to Kent to see dad. Not been down since Christmas. It will be nice to catch up with old friends.

And to the book. Well sales are picking up. Hard to track but might have sold 14 copies since Friday. Not many in the grand scheme of things but a lot for a nobody like me. After a slow start we are finally getting some movement. That is good for the soul as well as my mood. If you have bought it after reading the blog many thanks. If you haven't do feel free to indulge me. I'm told it's a good book.

Hope to get on here again before I catch the train on Friday. Until then.

I Heard a Voice.

The Shining Yellow Moon.

With the light fading on a fine early spring evening I sat on the train back from Cambridge. With the sun gone we were instead illuminated by a brilliant yellow full moon. A true sight to behold. Wasted on a train journey. My mind went back to Paul Simon's ground breaking album "Graceland" with the moon in the African sky.

Little did I know that the journey would descend into farce. Owing to engineering works I had to get out at Stevenage and catch a bus. Sadly the driver had absolutely no idea where he was going. Guided by the passengers, some mobile satnavs he missed the turning to the first stop. Immediately an argument broke out between 2 passengers on which way to go. I thought it would come to blows. The rather obnoxious and aggressive man who marched to the front of the bus won the argument. That us to a low bridge which we cleared a mere couple of inches.

In the end I got back some time later than planned. Normally it would just have annoyed me but I simply marvelled at the amazingly laid back West Indian a driver who took it all in his stride despite his confusion.

Back to reality now. And that means back to my studies. Tedious things like washing have to be done too but will make up for that with a very rare organic sirloin steak. Hoping to be done by 9 pm as I have to give advice about psychosis then. Does it ever stop? Maybe at Easter. See you soon.

I Heard a Voice.

PS And happy birthday to my dad, 77 today.

What a Difference a Day Makes.

Funny how quickly fortunes change. After several days of fluctuating between fear, anxiety, anger and sheer pressure I am now serenely out the other side. A day can make a big difference. My low ebb is banished at least for the time being.

Barring some figures for which I need the calculator in my office the assignment is complete. Whether it is a right or not only time will tell but I'm hugely relieved it is done. When I get in tomorrow I will complete the final table and submit. I have hot water and heating although the latter was not really needed today. No one has pissed me off. And I'm off to Cambridge tomorrow.

It was a day away from the office. We were recruiting students to be employed as our residential assistants next year. I've never been invited along before but it was fun and they seemed to appreciate my insight into people and what they would be like when shit hits the fan at 3 am-I won't be there then. I was very impressed with the standard.

We have a rather larger than life member of the Housing team who studied at the university. Big and bubbly of Nigerian descent she is known to say what she feels. Sat next to her at lunch today she said to me you are wasted in this place. Why aren't you a consultant? All very flattering and I have heard such comments before but it is not true. I'm only as good as the people I can help. There are even some consultants who hold the same view.

It will never happen though. As I've said before I'm not one of the club. I'm an outsider who has to keep proving myself. Who knows what will happen after I get my MSc. That depends on change. If it doesn't happen I will leave. But where to? Oh yes I'm not one of the club. So I'm restricted. I never make long term plans. I doubt I ever will. Life is just too random for that.

More soon.

I Heard a Voice

PS "The Marriage of Figaro" has been a splendid accommpaniment to my studies tonight.

Sublime Music.

After several days in which very little has gone right I came home today wanting to headbutt the wall. My fruitless battles with academic databases have been well documented both on here and Facebook. I came home to no heating or hot water since yesterday. I appeared utterly lost in my studies and had a day driving from pillar to post between meetings that people either turned up to on the wrong day or did not turn up at all. To say the least I was fuming. Yet I had to refocus-this assignment simply has to be gone.

Having used kettle boiled water to wash I then made a somewhat disappointing Nonya chicken curry-needed a hell of a lot more chilli. Cue another kettle to wash up. Then it was time work.

With a background of Mendelssohn on radio 3 I completed another fruitless search of another database. But it all add to my grid. I didn't even look at the radio guide for what was next. I simply let it play on.

Then my luck changed. A live concert from Belfast brought me not in Rodrigo's sublime Guitar Concerto but also Dvorak's "New World Symphony". The latter still plays.

I first heard the Rodrigo in about 1984 at school. A young and rather eccentric man in the year above me who had never picked up a guitar until he went to senior school played it in a concert. He went on to play for years. He was also an alcoholic with a flare for photography. I'm told in later life that that interest landed him in prison because of the age of the boys who were his muse. I have no idea where he is now but last I heard he was a fabulously wealthy film maker. It's a strange world.

It has been years since I heard a Rodrigo. It was worth it. I am now about half way through what I need to submit before Friday. The next 2 things are more straightforward. Thank God for that after such a trying few days.

Tomorrow I will wait in for the man to fix my boiler then spend the rest of the day interviewing students for our out of hours support team.

Feel somewhat better now. Not sure I have registered +1 on my scale but I hope it will by the time I submit. Then it is off to Cambridge to Jayne-hurrah!

I Heard a Voice.

By Way of Something Different.

I don't often listen to trumpet music although I greatly admire it as an instrument. After more fruitless study-I really am going round in circles on Evidence Based Practice-and finding little to watch I decided to listen to music instead. Fancying a little more Haydn I perused my enormous box set and came up with the Trumpet Concertos. Later in the CD there are the Horn Concertos.

This is not the first time I'm mentioned trumpets on my blog. The day mum died my post was entitled "The Trumpet Shall Sound" from Handel's masterpiece "The Messiah". In fact I went on to use the same phrase as the title for the final chapter of "Charon's Ferry". Handel is very good in his use of the trumpet. This Haydn is pretty good too.

I went to King's with the trumpeter Mark Cumberland who went onto a distinguished career as a session musician. I lost touch with him for years, saw him once then there was another 11 year gap. It was at a funeral that we became re-acquainted. He no longer plays but still makes living in music.

On Saturday I will sing for the first time in 2 years. The Verdi Requiem for the King's Founders Day concert. Last time it was dad's birthday so I missed him. 11 days later my mum died. It is hard to believe that the 2nd anniversary is almost upon us. Fortunately this time I will see dad as he coming to the concert. I plan to go and visit him in Kent the following weekend. Not been this year yet.

Away from memories my improved cooking continues. Tonight was a fearsome Cambodian dish of stir fried chicken with ginger, chilli and coriander. Good stuff and my tongue was on fire afterwards.

Still not sure where I am mentally. Bit nothing really spurred on by my repeated academic failure on this module. Oh that I had someone to talk to rather than a faceless on line forum that takes hours to get back to people's queries. I'm not sure I approve of distance learning. For some reason they call it blended learning at our place. But I only need to get 50% to pass so there is always hope.

I Heard a Voice.

Twice as Much Opera.

Only rarely do I write 2 posts on here in a day. But there has to be a follow on. The lamb was a huge triumph. Full and sated we had some fine Rioja and now I'm reading with a beer. Finer still though is that today emerged as double opera day.

Mozart's "Mitridate, Re Di Ponto" accompanied my studies and cooking this afternoon. Then I was delighted to discover that the radio had live opera on tonight too. So Handel's "Rodelinda" has accompanied our lamb and Rioja. Now on act III I'm enjoying opera in English that I can understand.

As a young undergraduate at Selwyn I sang for 2 years. Our director of music Andrew Jones or AVJ as he was known was an expert on Handel operas. Every time he had a sabbatical year he would uncover another forgotten piece.

Cambridge and its culture was wasted on me at that age. I've been surrounded by Cambridge culture from boyhood but I was too young to appreciate it. My consultant on London in 1994 once said to me that "everyone should go to Cambridge but only when thery're at least 40". That was a rare comment I agreed with.

Now in my 40s I have a lot of catching up to do. So it is beer, a fine cook book and Handel before my nightly trip to the pub. This weekend is getting better.

I Heard a Voice.

New Life Springs Forth.

On a beautiful day I can say that spring has definitely sprung here in Hertfordshire. The sun has been blazing all day, the daffodils are out and people are perambulating without coats. Yesterday found me at a low ebb. Today I feel better.

My foray out in the world was all too brief but I did acquire 5 books for the princely price of £3 - Henry James, D H Lawrence, and Shakespeare - in the final day sale of my nearby book shop. I will miss it. Back home once again I did battle with databases and was marginally more successful Still can't find what I'm looking for but I am building my grid which forms part of my formative assignment. Simplifying terms has helped. I've had enough for today but will try to return tomorrow after the ethnic football.

Of supreme importance though I'm back in my kitchen. Lamb from Spain is on the menu today. A half leg on the bone smothered in a paste of garlic, pimenton, fennel seeds, salt, pepper, and olive oil is slow roasting away on a bed of thyme and bay vegetables. I did it once before for Miriam and Nigel. It was a catastrophe that time but I've learned now how to do it.

Accompanying my afternoon has been Mozart opera; an early Italian effort today. All very pleasant. It all helps lift the mood. Richard will be round at 6.30 bearing good Rioja so it should be a fine evening. Hope you all have fun too.

I Heard a Voice.

Database Hell.

So ends another week. Not really happy with how this week has gone. Series of little things have left me teetering on a flat mood and frustration on what to do next. Today's little disaster was my attempt to get back and going on my course. Academic databases are a nightmare. Why is it that even following the instructions to the letter, going through the process that it still comes out with an answer that nowhere near meets what I need? So what next? I don't know where to turn. And still time ticks on.

Thus I move on into the weekend full of uncertainty and getting more anxious by the day. It is strange going back to education. I no longer have the arrogant confidence I once had before my madness came. There is one person to call who may be able to help-hoping to catch up with her tomorrow.

Nothing else is on the agenda this weekend other than going to watch the Hurricanes in the playoffs on Sunday. I really hoped my old Pythons would be coming to town for a rematch but sadly they have to go to Birmingham instead. Can't even decide what to cook. It's looking like a lost weekend. No respite in sight either; next week is jammed already.

With luck opera as I try to get back on track will help in the afternoon. If not, I fear I'm on the downward slope. Let's hope not.

I Heard a Voice.

Sackcloth and Ashes.

The Christian season of Lent began today as it is Ash Wednesday. It was one of my favourite days to sing back in the old days as we got the first of our twice yearly outings of Allegri's "Miserere" performed. In more recent years I have always attempted to listen to our good 1983 recording of the Allegri. Some say it is a worthy successor to the classic 1964 Roy Goodman recording which is widely regarded as they greatest ever recording on the piece.

Well after an evening where nothing went quite according to plan I managed to listen to both recordings. Still struggling to get used to it in English in 1964 recording. Actually I'm trying to rescue a bad evening by listening to Renaissance Masterpieces, a CD I picked up a year ago that has 2 pieces I recorded on it, the Allegri and Byrd's Five Part Mass. It is helping.

Not being religious I won't be giving anything up for lent and certainly won't just eat fish on a Friday as my dad and sister do. But I will look forward to that other performance on Good Friday. Truly one of the great services to go to at King's.

As for tonight I have abandoned my plan to study and will just immerse myself in my music. Tomorrow will be better!

I Heard a Voice.

Roast Beef, Fine Wine, Good Ale and Paganini.

My mum came to me in my dreams this morning. It is nearly 2 years since she died. She comes often in my dreams, sometimes they are good dreams but mostly they are bad. Sometimes she comes as the old lady wracked with anxiety and depression as she was as she drifted into dementia at the end of her life. At other times she is the firebrand she had been before then. I never got to the root of why mum was so angry. But that was who she was.

When the bad dreams with mum come it usually foretells a bad day. Today was the exception. I've had lovely day. I'm still tired but it was nice to do something different. I went out for roast beef with my friend Madeline at the Waggoners accompanied by an excellent French red. Then Adnams Broadside followed by a Doombar when I got home.

Now I have had tea, Paganini plays and I will have a quiet evening of music and reading. So glad I never had to play Paganini on the violin, it is so fiendishly difficult. As I said a few weeks ago I may have grade 8 in the violin but I really wasn't very good at it. I didn't do enough work.

A light supper of cheese, Parma ham and grapes will follow before I immerse myself back into Graham Greene. I have neglected my reading as I fight desperately to catch up on my academic work. But that can wait until tomorrow. More soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Slowly but Surely.

The expected snow never materialised yesterday. Thus ended the wettest winter on record in the UK. No snow thank goodness. The flowers are blooming and the air is mild. Is spring really here? Last year we had snow in April. I'm hoping for something more glorious this year.

Well in my life another week is over. I'm getting there but still not really back to normal. I caught up at work but it will no doubt snowball as soon as I start contacting people. With my course I'm about ready to do my search. But given my fear of IT I'm not really looking forward to it.

I awarded myself the weekend off. Needed to do some boring domesticity and shopping. A Thai beef curry is on the menu today. We went out last night to the excellent "China Sky" restaurant after work-everyone was suitably impressed. As it is pay day I'm also heading out for Sunday lunch with my friend Madeline-The Waggoners  do an excellent roast.

Away from all that though, little by little, slowly but surely the availability of "Charon's Ferry" expands. It is now in stock abroad and more widely here. Given the recent revelations of the tax arrangements of certain on-line firms something closer to home might suit people better. Below might help.

http://www.waterstones.com/waterstonesweb/products/mark+edgar/charon27s+ferry/10378234/

Looks like the link didn't work again-it is so unreliable on here. And now I bid you farewell, the Thai curry is beckoning.

I Heard a Voice.