The Inspiration of the Young.

During my years in Hertfordshire one of my greatest supporters has always been my friend Kym. She mentored me in the long, lonely and terrifying first year at the university. She invited me to her wedding that first summer when invitations from colleagues were non existent. She allowed me to talk and supported me in a way that others didn't. Perhaps I haven't quite forgiven her for leaving when she was about to be in a position to help on a grander scale but I know she made the right decision and I would have told her off for staying when her destiny lay elsewhere.

I have not seen Kym during my recent lonely sojourn in the land of despair and depression. On this blisteringly hot day we finally managed to catch up. It was but a brief meeting in the grand scheme of thing but so helpful.

Kym has two brave and brilliant children who inherited a genetic illness from their late father that makes them prone to tumours. The bravery with which they fight it puts me and many others to shame. Hope is a singer and Joel a blogger. This afternoon Kym showed me their joint video blog talking about their conditions and how to answer people who do not understand. I took heart from that. I don't know I'm quite so good at dealing with that myself particularly when for no reason at all I have a bleak day.

And when I woke it was a bleak day. I was low, listless and anxious. I do not know why on this glorious day. Now as that day progresses I feel my mood flagging again after the inspiration of those young people. I just want to eat crap. That's exactly what I did when I got back this afternoon.

I should cook but my motivation is so low I will yet again spend money I need to save on passing a few hours on a low day. All this after a better few days. Why can't I shake these days of despair? I should be looking forward to seeing Jayne tomorrow and the opera on Saturday. But instead I feel fraudulent and a failure.

My determination to power my way through the darkness is lacking today. I must regain that if I'm going to get back to normality. I must gain the resilience shown by those extraordinary young people although of course it is a mistake to assume everyone is managing better than I am. The messages of my friends in dark times have shown me that is not the case. We are all fearful and doubtful. I just need to get back to working with that rather than being crushed by it.

You won't hear from me now until I'm back from Cambridge. Have a good weekend and may the sun continue to shine.

I Heard a Voice.