At One With Nature, a Woodland Walk.

When I first moved here I lived on the edge of an oak wood. On warm summer days I would sometimes venture up there gingerly for my fear of getting lost. I saw deer, badgers, squirrels, lots of dog walkers and heard the cry of many birds. In a weird sort of a way it was a substitute for the call of the sea which I left behind in Kent.

The recession of 2008 forced me to move and with little money and next to no help but my dad I foolishly accepted the flat here which was so cursed over the years. So many problems and that perpetual anxiety of would I be forced to me on.

Of course I was forced to move on and two months ago today I moved to this flat. In the whole time I have lived in the area I have never been for a walk in the wood. No sense of direction terrified me. Jayne kept saying in the summer I must learn my way around the woods and get to The Waggoners. 

Until today that is. It is dull and somewhat chillier outside than of late. I did the small amount of shopping I needed and desired a walk. So I set off with Gary into the woods for a gentle perambulation. And what a joy it was. Bluebells, birds, squirrels and all around the power of nature in spring time.

For that brief foray I forgot my troubles, felt the call of nature and was at last able to find a place that calms my mind as the sea does back home. I think I will need some more guidance from people before I set forth alone but it was good.

On returning home I have Radio 3 on, I have made a Thai green curry paste and am contemplating how things are. A day on from my psychology meeting I'm still digesting the enormity of that decision and where it might lead. My friend Ellie text last night as a veteran of therapy and gave the helpful advice that I'm not there to perform and she is not there to judge my performance.

That awful lingering life of having to perform still exists at times however hard I try to put it in perspective. Maybe that is what I will learn as the future unravels. It is hard enough acknowledging that I can't right myself on my own. Harder still is the fear of what I might become. Old habits die hard but I must strive for something different. Otherwise my mental fallibility and weakness will continue to consume me and keep me stuck in the darkness of the last few months.

I Heard a Voice.