The roads were unusually empty. I had chosen well the timing of my return from Kent on an unusual Bank Holiday. We're not overly blessed with public holidays in this country as is frequently pointed out. But in 2011 we were granted an extra one. On this day that year Prince William and Kate Middleton got married.
Seen as a breath of fresh air by many in the confines of establishment it was a day that was celebrated by many. I chose it as a day to go home to avoid the traffic. Who knew that a year later my mum would have died and we were desperately trying to make sense of a world completely changed?
There is another royal wedding coming up shortly. I'm not sure I will watch but I wish them well as they strive to move our country forward. I hope it is brighter for them than it is today.
Rumours abound of a storm later. It is certainly cold out. I took advantage of the rain holding off to take a short work. It was my abridged Sunday afternoon wander, up the hill, down, then cutting across half way to emerge near the pub. I didn't venture in. If a storm does arrive it will be once again a reminder that life is unpredictable on this little island.
With the new week coming up tomorrow I remain off. Hopefully not for long. That I'm anxious both for and about my return. Who wouldn't be after all this time? Many occasions in recent months have made me question what I am doing and where do I fit? I feel firmly in middle age and uncertain what next. I had an interesting conversation with Jayne about middle age. She contends that middle age in women comes with menopause. And therefore for some women earlier than I had always felt. In the grand scheme of things we both probably have many years to go in this adventure that it life.
Why life bequeathed me significant issues with mood is a mystery. My mum had her battles too and on more than one occasion it has been suggested that it is inherited. I dreamed of her once again this morning and as so often I woke uncertain and worried.
Some days when the anxiety is at its worst I feel I have become my mum. I certainly have a devastating feel for what her life was like in her last years. That of course had a knock on to others and dad bore that as he cared so loyally for her as she became more ill. I still firmly hold my belief that when she did die it was a relief that what might have been did not occur. The thoughts of mum in a home would have been hideous.
She remains on my mind at times so many years later. Can we shut the door on the past as was suggested to me recently? Maybe that will come in time. The course I'm taking now which pains me so much is in the main to try to do that. I did not want to go back to therapy but in the circumstances what else was I to do? It is early days so I will keep going and hope that I can make sense of my life after a while.
Elgar's Cello concerto just came on the radio. Stunning, spine tingling and emotional all describe this wonderful piece. And with that I leave you.
I Heard a Voice.
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