Hello there. How goes it? On this cold, misty, murky day it feels like the autumnal chill of October not the colourful daffodil covered reawakening of Spring in April. In need of a walk and to escape for an hour or so I went out and came back pretty chilly. The thought of October is a little disconcerting as I will be 49 then and back in the thick of yet another academic year.
This academic year continues of course but I remain on the sidelines after recent events. Someone who has known me all my life messaged a couple of days ago urging me to close the door on the past and live in the present. Use my skills to heal myself and create a body and mind far stronger and more resilient than that which now I inhabit. Learning to let go has never been my strong point.
As you will have seen from my last post I had a few bad days. And on those bad days I'm drawn to difficult past things. Is it ghost hunting? In a way yes but I've been ghost hunting since 1991 and still haven't stopped the spectre of failure from haunting me.
On a day in London yesterday I was once again drawn to old places. A long time ago I waved a goodbye thinking it would be temporary until the next time we met. We never met again and the physical incarnation of my madness left my life. Still on occasion she comes back to me but not often. As I sat in the sun outside The Horniman pub overlooking HMS Belfast, The City, Tower Bridge and the river I thought of that day and was not troubled. Am I letting go?
The trip to London in all honesty was pretty good. I wasn't anxious, my mood held, I did not feel hassled or hemmed in. I went to Borough Market and was pleased to see the crowds are back. To St Martin in the Fields to hear music then the National Portrait Gallery to soak up the culture. And finally to meet my old friend Emma.
Talk, by God did we talk. We had a lot of catching up to do. Tragically I learned of the death of another friend from that world. But it didn't send me tumbling headlong into darkness.
She asked my advice on blogging. Not sure I'm that well qualified to advise as so rarely do I get comments but here is her work if you feel like having a look:
Back in every day reality I continue to really struggle with insomnia. Tired though I was yesterday it was gone 4 am before I got to sleep. That cannot continue if my pursuit of going back to work is going to be successful. Meeting Lena tomorrow to have further conversations on that.
I'm toying with the idea of going down to Kent for a few days. The sea air always helps and it is good to get away. Maybe next time you hear from me it will be under a fiery sunset with the sound of the gulls echoing outside. If I do go though, please let it feel like spring not autumn.
I Heard a Voice.
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