The Elvish ring bearer Galadriel in The Lord of the Rings had a mirror that was a bowl that she filled with water from a stream. The mirror told what had been, what was, and what was to come. In a moment of madness she almost takes the One Ring from Frodo and transforms into a dark queen. She steps away from temptation and leaves Frodo be as the bearer of the One Ring.
When I teach and when I train I talk about what I call the mirror test. What do you do when in your practise you see your own reflection in that mirror? Can you cope? Do you have the resilience? Will you pay a price? The mirror can show what has been, what is and what is to come.
I see the mirror every day and mainly just take it in my stride. But sometimes something touches me that takes me back into the darkest of my darkness. The things I have never told anyone and never will. It has been a week of the mirror.
My fears of becoming my adversary came close. And that terrible guilt of things I did, things I do and things that I fear I might do. I know I'm flawed and it is in my nature when the mood is at a certain point to destroy myself mentally. I feel so unworthy. Can I use my many experiences always for good? I try. But I do not always succeed.
Did I do some good? I think so. Did I pay a price? Yes. So much so that in my focus on failure I completely forgot to meet a friend for dinner last night. I feel terrible. But my mind has been distant much of this week.
You now find me on a Friday. Work is over with an unexpected end. And I feel uneasy. Not unwell, not anxious, but just not in an equilibrium I feel happy with.
I hope I can let this feeling go. I do not like staring into Galadriel's mirror and being found more flawed and more of a failure than I feel normally. Normally I smile at the reflection back. Let us hope I can smile again soon.
I Heard a Voice.
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