After the low contemplative point that pervaded my very being when I posted yesterday I slept curiously well. I did get up fairly early to a feeling of suspicion and indifference. Is it possible for those two to co-exist? I remain uneasy and uninspired but not depressed. That I suppose is a good thing.
Resigned to my fate is a sentiment for today. I had hoped for a relaxing fun couple of days as I eek out the last week at work before my break. Domesticity has marked this afternoon, shopping, washing, cleaning. It needed to get done as I had left things too long. Got to keep on top otherwise bad things happen.
Close and overcast I have the windows and French doors open for a little breeze. I am listening to Il Sogno di Scipione and contemplating what to do next. Lethargy seems most attractive but that will not shift the uncertainty of my thought.
I'm trying hard not to do anything rash which was a thought I had last night in my struggles. I try never to do anything rash but it is hard not to when faced with more deception. False dawns have littered the last decade of my life. For some time on here I have talked of change. And it has come but not to any advantage for me. Am I once again at a cross roads where I don't know where to turn? Or did I never move from where I was five years ago?
There is good in my life. Special friends. Passion still exists at times. Some believe I know what I'm doing although on the bad days that is hard to accept. In less than two weeks I will turn 48. Does that make me an elder statesman in my crazy world? Some seem to think so. The relentless march of time is not always favourable. Will I learn the stuckness people talk of at 50? I do hope not.
Shall I snap forth today and return to the norm of a Saturday? I have fine food, good wine, sublime music and a mood that is not plumbing the depths of despair that tainted yesterday. That has to be good.
Until next time I will leave you. Have a good weekend.
I Heard a Voice.
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