Close to six months after I walked out of my office to go and have a Christmas break I will finally be returning. Life can be cruel, it can be fickle, and it can be unpredictable. Sometimes these things can be for good and sometimes for ill. That it has mainly been for ill is certainly not what I wanted. For too long I have tried to make things happen and fate has decided not to collude with me. Is it about time that changed? I do hope.
On Monday I will go back to my office and try to pick up the pieces of what was once a promising career. The confidence and arrogance is long gone. Fear stalks me some days but I need to go back and face the demons that have been hidden from me for too long. Of course I have mixed feelings. Depression and all its deadly foibles robs me of belief and assurance so I will need to rebuild those.
After months of searching my soul I'm no closer to solving the riddle that has been my life in recent years. But is that not normal for a 48 year old and all the cynicism and doubt that middle age brings? I have had the existential battles to mull over whilst I have been off.
With Handel as my guide, a glass of Rioja and hearty dinner of pork chop, roast potatoes and vegetables I'm seeing out my last free days of nothing. I just finished reading Driving Over Lemons and must pick a new book to delve into. I will have less time to read in coming weeks but I will still have Wednesday opera nights.
I have made the difficult decision tonight not to go and watch a West End play penned by one of my former students on Monday evening. Discretion is the better part of valour and I think it is too much to do on such a day. So I wish Samuel well and hope to go for his next effort which I hope will be a triumph.
Miriam and dad are off for a little break in Hampshire tomorrow. It will be a trip down memory lane for him going to childhood places. Those memories of family down there are faded for me, I was too young and not understanding of family rifts. Let us hope they are healed.
This will be my final post of May. June starts on Friday and summer is upon is. After yesterday's deluge and a gloomy air today it would be nice to have somewhere in between too hot and too wet. Just nice. See you in June.
I Heard a Voice.
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